The Gate

There's somewhat of a relation between love and looking, right? Is it one and the same thing?

There's a sadness and loneliness here.
I think a lot of seeking has to do with "solving" that.

Today I'm trying to learn what resisting this means. I don't think I want to resist this.

Writing just that sentence made this whole sensation more open.)

I think part of me feels really abandoned

Who could solve whatever is appearing and disappearing as ‘sadness’ or ‘loneliness’

Was there ever anything to abandon?
What is the direct experience that has that label? Is it anything to do with a someone who is abandoned?
Or is that all fiction, like santa claus, on top of some sensations with some meaning making added…

Who could solve whatever is appearing and disappearing as ‘sadness’ or ‘loneliness’

I don't know how to answer this. I only find breathing.

Was there ever anything to abandon?
What is the direct experience that has that label? Is it anything to do with a someone who is abandoned?
Or is that all fiction, like santa claus, on top of some sensations with some meaning making added…

This one feels so w̝̕e̵̷͆͜í̡͔̞r̵̵̤d̗ to ask without thought.
̭̘̭̎The DE here are the feeling of hands, fingers, sadness. Oh wait. Relaxation and shivering.

There are images of a someone coming up along with tension on the side of the face.

In direct experience there's not really anything to be solved or that would need solving.

Though part of this might be bypassing

I think there's a lot of pain here, not fully felt, burrowed.
I think it might be that fighting that is why I'm constantly exhausted.

Not sure to what extend this has to do with awakening, but it might be, that this is due to be confronted here. I hope so.

On the other hand, not calling it bad is enough to...
Oh. This might be key to feeling it.

In direct experience there's not really anything to be solved or that would need solving

Though part of this might be bypassing

Yes. Nothing needing solving.

What would be bypassed? A thought? Is that reality?
Or is it a who that is bypassed?

There are images of a someone coming up along with tension on the side of the face.

Are these images “you”?

I think there's a lot of pain here, not fully felt, burrowed.
I think it might be that fighting that is why I'm constantly exhausted.

Where is it? How is it burrowed? Is there another sensation in front of or behind it?

Is it possible to ‘fight’ it? Is that a thing that can be done? By whom?

What would be bypassed? A thought? Is that reality?
Or is it a who that is bypassed?

I think there's a lot of pain here, not fully felt, burrowed.
I think it might be that fighting that is why I'm constantly exhausted.

Where is it? How is it burrowed?

Putting these together.
I don't know what it is with the body and why it's so hard to pinpoint.
But it feels so so sore. I feels so right to lie down and just focus on the body sensation. That feels somewhat healing.
For some reason it feels strongly like not addressing this would be spiritual bypassing.
But I'm not sure at all, what this is.

Is there another sensation in front of or behind it?

Oh, this is such a good question. How can this sensation feel so faint in direct investigation and yet so utterly prominent? So hard to pinpoint exactly, and yet appear everywhere?

It is experienced a bit like fog in that regard here.

Talking about it, it might be that "exhaustion" is protecting this. It feels a little like looking away or looking through hazy glass at this.
Hazy Glass seems to b e my face. My jawline, heading towards my ear. This feels like clarity suddenly.
Lower jaw, heart.

It feels like there's a blanket of exhaustion covering the body.

There's a feeling of freshness.

There are images of a someone coming up along with tension on the side of the face.

Are these images “you”?

Nah :) Though they depict "me" and I have a hunch they are often still taken as truth.

Is it possible to ‘fight’ it? Is that a thing that can be done? By whom?

Asking the question and inquiring seems to do something, but I'm not getting any answers

Beautiful. So the story amplifies it, while direct contact dissolves its solidity. :)

Put attention exactly on the jaw and ear region where the haze appeared. Ignore the word jaw. Ignore the idea of a body. Be with the raw sensation.

Now look carefully. Is it actually one solid thing?
When attention goes directly into the sensation, does the “blanket of exhaustion” stay the same? Or does it break into smaller moving sensations?

Without using thought:
Is the exhaustion itself just another sensation layer?
Almost like fog sitting on top of something else?

Stay with the exact sensation in the area jaw to ear.
Tell me what the raw texture is, without using emotion words like exhaustion, healing, or tension...

Hi Becc!

accidentally deleted everything I wrote and a crazy amount of anger is here now.
In a way the inability to accept this and the judgement of this being bad seems to point exactly to "me".
The thought, that "I hate myself" come up so, so much right now. And "I'm angry".
These thoughts sort of create a persona that can be disliked / rejected and solidified.

Put attention exactly on the jaw and ear region where the haze appeared. Ignore the word jaw. Ignore the idea of a body. Be with the raw sensation.

Now look carefully. Is it actually one solid thing?
When attention goes directly into the sensation, does the “blanket of exhaustion” stay the same? Or does it break into smaller moving sensations?

It feels like my body is cracking up. And it feels like a headache.
The sensation seems to be nowhere at all really, or it doesn't make sense to put it in any location.

I'm don't find a breaking up of the sensation, but it sort of melts into my chest.

Without using thought:
Is the exhaustion itself just another sensation layer?
Almost like fog sitting on top of something else?

Yeah. It's almost like the exhaustion is a thought overlay that is following whereever I look.

Stay with the exact sensation in the area jaw to ear.
Tell me what the raw texture is, without using emotion words like exhaustion, healing, or tension...

course and jittery around the eyes (it's sort of drawn here now).
Refocusing on area jaw to ear.
More mellow here. Softer.
Yet it's also like something hard is in there. Hard like a metal plate, but I can't find it.
suddenly open.

Feels like a headache.

have to go for now

Headache is normal. We are turning your whole world upside down in there after all…

Sending love.

Take breaks. Take walks.

Is the hard thing the protector or the protected?

feeling so much love really! I actually really love you for all the kindness you're showing Becc:)
This is all so much fun really :)


Coincidentally spend my day with breaks and walks.
In a way the world doesn't resemble what I remember it to be. Trying to remember it feels like a bit like a psychadelic fewerdream. only a bit though.
It's humbling, with every instance that feels like seeing is more clear that what i'm used to, it's also showing that I much more haven't really left the starting-point, than I thought.
During the walk I noticed that I actually believe (maybe believed) that awakening would make me "someone better than everyone else".


In a way it's just scary, how much "I'm in my head all the time".

Is the hard thing the protector or the protected?

Huh, great question. I notice this hardness in many more places. Like metal plates all throughout the body.

Asking "is this protecting something?" gets really intense.

Familiar feeling of "I wanna puke" comes up. this body really likes playing this card. gross, body!

Feels like a "central pain" comes up and frees up a little bit.

Feels like there is a structure here.
Asking "What is this protecting"
Structure becomes face and legs. It's so solid and hard!

Asking "is this hardness protecting something?" (this feels like an old-school text based computer game)

Body does shake, feels very nice. Quite a massage really
Thought-Feeling-Sensation comes up: "I hate this entire process"
Greeting this with love.
Feeling a soft texture of face.
Feeling a hurt lightly like a knife wound in the heart. Maybe this is the same as "Metal plate". It's (probably) the same as "central pain".
Now that sensation is like something pressing into the upper leg.

at that point I just layed down and followed the sensation.
I'm not sure what kind of answer I'd give to your _actual_ question, but that was sort of good.
What is perceived as central pain split into different body parts (actually, I still feel it centered at the heart right now) and things are sort of softened up. body feels a little sore now, not in a bad way.
that was really demanding I think? I'm a bit exhausted

I think there might be a massive pain still left unfelt and I sort of do worry about that.
Just a bit afraid of it. There is something. There is a pain I find again and again throughout life. (It got much more easy throughout recent years.)