The Gate

Very true. The victim is in thoughts.

The me is also a thought. I do get that, at least intellectually.

So what you are saying is- direct experience is prior to anything. Prior to “me.”

Me is a thought that I believe? Then the question is who or what am I? Admittedly, this has perplexed me. I can notice thoughts and emotions. They aren’t me regardless if I believe them or not.

There is something before that which I am - slowly/ taking as me. So there is no me? I don’t me body mind. Spirit, awareness, whatever.

Yes! You see it—the “me” is a thought believed in. A story told and retold until it feels solid.

Then the question is who or what am I?

Do you see the trap? That question assumes there must be a thing to find, a new ground to stand on, a replacement for the old “me!” But if you really LOOK—before thought, before the mind tries to answer—what is actually there!?

There is something before that which I am - slowly/ taking as me.

Is there? Or is that just another thought, another subtle attempt to hold onto something, to re-establish a center?

Right now, stop. Don’t reach for an answer. Just sit in the raw, direct experience of now. No labels, no conclusions. Direct experience is just THIS. What is. Now.

What is actually here before the mind claims it? Is there anyone being anything? Or just experience, happening, effortlessly?

So there is no me? I don’t me body mind. Spirit, awareness, whatever.

This is only a question that can be answered by looking for yourself. It isn’t a philosophy you can learn. It is experiential.

The belief “I am awareness” is one of the last strongholds of the seeker identity. It’s an upgrade from “I am the body” or “I am the mind,” but it’s still something being claimed, being subtly held onto as a position. The assumption is that awareness is the true self, the stable background, the ultimate refuge.

Sprit, or awareness: do you move it, or it moves by itself?

Look at awareness - see how it moves to thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds.
Is this something you control? What moves awareness? What exactly is it made of? Is it like a torch that lights up things sitting in the dark, choosing which one to light up? Or “things” are just appearing?

So, let’s put it to the test: If you drop the idea “I am awareness” right now, what changes?

Answer each of these questions separately. I’ve marked them in green. LOOK in direct experience, not thought. Take some time.

Busy last few days. Finally so time to do some investigating more thoroughly.

Is there? Or is that just another thought, another subtle attempt to hold onto something, to re-establish a center?

I had a wow moment this morning where “this” really appeared in direct experience. Thoughts, sensations, life just appearing. What obstructs is thought. All thought.

Nothing is before or after hear. Only this. Everything else is the minds stories. Really saw it.

I spoke about it in detail with kids I coach struggling with performance anxiety. Not the spiritual side but how we get swept away by the minds doubt, fears, etc. about something a game.

What is actually here before the mind claims it? Is there anyone being anything? Or just experience, happening, effortlessly?

What is here is experience. Now. Nothing else. I see it. Mind still operates. Sensations do their thing. But what’s here is all that’s here. Truthfully, I felt lighter for hours. More carefree. Then later got pulled again by mine nonsense. It’s experiential not intellectual.

Sprit, or awareness: do you move it, or it moves by itself?

I think this question was the catalyst. It moves itself. I don’t. When meditate I was still. I “allowed” attention to go wherever without trying to hold it in place purely looking at “this.” What that was was quiet, sensations, thoughts, sound, repeat. I felt a relaxing of the normal tension in solar plexus.

Is this something you control? What moves awareness? What exactly is it made of? Is it like a torch that lights up things sitting in the dark, choosing which one to light up? Or “things” are just appearing?

So, let’s put it to the test: If you drop the idea “I am awareness” right now, what changes?

It appears nothing is in control, things just do. The mind describes, owns, takes credit for it. It’s subtle. Very subtle.

“I am awareness.” What changes when dropped? Nothing and everything kind of. It stops the expectation and thinking something is supposed to happen. Freeing

Yes, yes, yes :)

That subtle pull back into “I am awareness” is just another move of the mind, a last-ditch attempt to claim ownership. But when you drop it—nothing changes. Everything remains exactly as it is. That tells you everything.

I felt a relaxing of the normal tension in solar plexus.

Yes. The body holds the contraction of “I.” It’s not just a thought—it’s a physical tension, a bracing, a holding… Perhaps this sensation is your ‘I is a lie’ detector…


Let’s circle all the way back.
Read and repeat several times: “There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be.”
What emerges? Thoughts? Sensations? Beliefs? Write what is noticed. :)

-Becca

I have no fear about any of this right now. I want to see life as it is not as the mind projects, interprets, and describes.

The statement doesn’t cause any stir right now. Neutral.

I welcome any investigation and inquiry that helps me see reality as it is.

Lovely.

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?
What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can
look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering,
having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?
What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Becca, last 4-5 days have been busy. Sorry for delay. I have worked with the questions a few times. This is what I notice.

There is no way to determine how tall, weight, or volume in direct experience. No inside or outside. Especially with eyes closed there is this fuzzyness of energy, sensations, an “is ness” of stuff that doesn’t have a label unless given.

The word itself is a word. It could be cup. Body is pointing to this physical structure.

All of this is easily experienced with eyes closed. With eyes open, conditioning comes into play. Thoughts. You have hands. You can distinguish between clothes and skin. The pressure from sitting is your butt on the chair. Still only thoughts but not as discernible with eyes open.

Here is what is “catching” me lately. The sensations are becoming less problematic. It is thoughts that are more aggressive and “scary.”

Do you have inquiry showing the same as the body? For example, fixations on feeling judged or insecure. Kind of been my “Achilles” along with tough sensations. Doubts, insecurities, fear of not being good enough. I know thoughts. I see it clearly the minds “tricks” per se. But they persist despite that.

Thank you. I look forward to your response and more pointing and help

John

With eyes open, conditioning comes into play. Thoughts. You have hands. You can distinguish between clothes and skin. The pressure from sitting is your butt on the chair. Still only thoughts but not as discernible with eyes open.

Labels come into play. We can circle back to develop this further.

The following link is a 7 minute clip of a soccer game. If you prefer another sport…please feel free to find one to do this exercise with. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy5pL-myDzw

1. Watch one minute with the sound turned OFF, watching ‘people’ messing about with a round thing on a field, up and down, up and down. Let it sink in, the whole experience.
2. Once the first minute is completed, now watch another whole minute with the commentary turned ON.
Notice the differences. Notice how the commentator (thought) offers lots of know-how, even advice. It seems to feel as though they can influence, somehow, what is going on, as though one outcome is much preferred to the opposite outcome. The commentary may seem to heighten any supporter feelings which are there, and call for an identification with one team or other, and with the importance of the game itself.
3. Now turn the volume OFF AGAIN and just watch the action with NO audible commentary, the shapes moving around on the screen etc. Again notice all the differences in what is appearing as experience.
4. Now turn the volume ON again and ignore what you think you know thought is talking about, and just notice it as sound.

What did you find when doing this exercise?
Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?
And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

For example, fixations on feeling judged or insecure.

Who is doing the judging? Who is being judged? Is there an I actually experiencing this? Does it belong to anyone?

fear of not being good enough

Good enough for what? For Whom?
See how the thoughts assume an invisible standard--some vague shifting measure of worth. But look closely: who set this standard? Was it ever real, or just learned conditioning?
WHO is supposedly not good enough?

This is awesome! I will report back later today. Thank you!

What did you find when doing this exercise?
Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?
And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

Interesting. I enjoyed it more without sounds. Relaxing. Paid attention more to actual instead of commentary.

I know inner commentary is not needed. I have had moments of quiet while driving and other tasks. Everything was fine. I still could drive.

Who is doing the judging? Who is being judged? Is there an I actually experiencing this? Does it belong to anyone?

The mind is judging itself or just thoughts appearing. There isn’t an I. It’s a series of thoughts the gets mistaken for me.

Good enough for what? For Whom?
See how the thoughts assume an invisible standard--some vague shifting measure of worth. But look closely: who set this standard? Was it ever real, or just learned conditioning?
WHO is supposedly not good enough?

Right now I can see the invisible standard and from standpoint that it’s conditioning.

But often it seems so believable. Why is that? The mix of sensations and thinking?

Looking forward to your response and pointing/guidance.

Thank you!


John

Hi John,

The mind is judging itself or just thoughts appearing. There isn’t an I. It’s a series of thoughts the gets mistaken for me

Exactly. Here’s a brief exercise that I don’t think you’ve done yet to highlight this:

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?

Let me know how you go and what you notice.

Right now I can see the invisible standard and from standpoint that it’s conditioning.

But often it seems so believable. Why is that? The mix of sensations and thinking?

Yes, the mix of sensations and thinking is what makes it seem so believable that can exist unquestioned for a lifetime. The thoughts themselves are just repetitive mental noise with an apparent subject, but when they are coupled with bodily sensations—like tightness in the chest, a sinking feeling in the stomach, or tension in the head—they feel real, as if they carry weight and truth. The body is what makes the story feel solid.

But are these sensations proof of anything? Or are they just happening? If the thoughts aren’t you, and the body isn’t you, then what remains?

Try this: Take one of those moments when the belief feels strong—perhaps the feeling of not being “good enough”—and instead of analyzing it, just sit with the raw sensations without labeling them, without assigning meaning. No stories. What happens then?

-Becca

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?

Let me know how you go and what you notice.

I liked this. In 5 min, I had 26 thoughts “self” related. 11 other thoughts. Probably more but what I recorded.


Definitely thoughts are about me, me, me. It’s pretty maddening.

But are these sensations proof of anything? Or are they just happening? If the thoughts aren’t you, and the body isn’t you, then what remains?

Try this: Take one of those moments when the belief feels strong—perhaps the feeling of not being “good enough”—and instead of analyzing it, just sit with the raw sensations without labeling them, without assigning meaning. No stories. What happens then?

No proof. Just conditioning. Just sensations. Some intense. Uncomfortable and others not.

I see when I can be in “this” moment, the deception. The untruth so to speak. The collection of thoughts that repeat over and over. Certainly becoming easier to dismiss but still is tough at times.


Keep it rolling. Thank you!

Definitely thoughts are about me, me, me. It’s pretty maddening.

It’s the mechanism. Continue to look directly… locate the one who is maddened… :)

I see when I can be in “this” moment, the deception. The untruth so to speak. The collection of thoughts that repeat over and over. Certainly becoming easier to dismiss but still is tough at times

Is there anything other than this moment? Is it even experienced as a ‘moment’?

Here’s another exercise:
1. Sit quietly. Breathe. Feel what is actually here—not conceptually, but directly.
2. Notice the pull of thought. Let a familiar repetitive thought arise—one that tries to convince you of something about the past or future. Don’t push it away. Just watch it.
3. Ask: Where is this happening? Is this thought anything more than a mental sound appearing now? Can you find the past or future outside of this present thought?
4. See the loop. Watch how thoughts present the same stories, as if they are new, urgent, or important. But what’s actually happening? Just thought patterns arising and fading—like echoes with no original sound.
5. Drop the belief in the story. Not by force, just by seeing it clearly. What happens when you stop believing what thought is telling you? What’s left?
6. Stay here. Not in opposition to thought, but in recognition of what is real versus what is just another repeating script. What is here that doesn’t come and go?

Each time the deception feels tough to dismiss, don’t fight it. Just turn toward it, see it for what it is, and let it pass like a cloud. What remains when it’s gone?

I love this exercise.

Resonates.

It’s the mechanism. Continue to look directly… locate the one who is maddened… :)

I guess the one who is maddened is the one who maddens. Or, no one is. It is a story going on that “I” am listening to. I see it.

I need to work with the next part. Tonight before bed going to “look” more.

I haven’t regressed but lately haven’t had as much time or energy to do inquiries as I would like.

Here’s another exercise:
1. Sit quietly. Breathe. Feel what is actually here—not conceptually, but directly.
2. Notice the pull of thought. Let a familiar repetitive thought arise—one that tries to convince you of something about the past or future. Don’t push it away. Just watch it.
3. Ask: Where is this happening? Is this thought anything more than a mental sound appearing now? Can you find the past or future outside of this present thought?
4. See the loop. Watch how thoughts present the same stories, as if they are new, urgent, or important. But what’s actually happening? Just thought patterns arising and fading—like echoes with no original sound.
5. Drop the belief in the story. Not by force, just by seeing it clearly. What happens when you stop believing what thought is telling you? What’s left?
6. Stay here. Not in opposition to thought, but in recognition of what is real versus what is just another repeating script. What is here that doesn’t come and go?

Each time the deception feels tough to dismiss, don’t fight it. Just turn toward it, see it for what it is, and let it pass like a cloud. What remains when it’s gone?

I definitely notice the pull of thought. It happens without my control although it feels like there is control in thinking. Thoughts are mental sounds. And you cannot find any thought outside of the present moment.

Also true that thoughts appear and disappear. There is definitely a sense of urgency with some thoughts. Certainly the ones that i have placed meaning or judgement on.

Dropping belief isn't as simple. But, i recognize its a story. A record that keeps playing that I keep playing with my worry and concern.

How do I lose concern? How do I just stop? I want to but struggle with ones that question judgement, values, beliefs, what thoughts I should or shouldn't have.

Yes, it is thoughts. More and more this is becoming apparent. However, there is also this almost involutary reaction to them,.

Please advise. I am tired of spending my days battling this illusionl.