The Gate

Hope you see this in time.

This Sunday. 6 to 8 pm UTC +4 Mauritius Time

Deep looking is for you if you have an ongoing issue that makes you feel stuck, if you are looking for peace but cannot find it, if your heart is longing for something deep and meaningful, but nothing satisfies that longing.

Come to a meeting with a small group and we can explore together, giving space for tension to unwind.

You can use the old link, that you have or email me at admin@ilonaciunaite.com and I will send it to you.

See you there! (Ilona)
✨❤️✨

Didn't realize this is in just 15 minutes but she does these monthly

Link to all Zoom Meetings

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/9143364592?pw ... VEMHg2Zz09

Meeting ID: 914 336 4592

Passcode: LU2021

Are you stopping?

No Stacy, I didn't stop. And I will not. Thank you for contacting me again. On the contrary, I am very busy in trying to really really get the truth. But there came nothing up that I would or could write to you.

Unfortunately, I still did not manage the ButtChair exercise. I still see everything separately and know exactly where my butt ends and the chair begins.
I just don't get it.
I am reading the book Gateless Gate Crasher and I have bought the book: Liberation Unleashed and I am reading it. I have also been reading in the German archive and I am in the process of translating and doing the meditations that I am allowed to have from your dropbox. I also watch the videos you sent me.
The fear of people, actually the fear of being rejected for who I am, has become much less - I almost want to say it no longer exists. The feeling of fear, as it still can show up in my solar plexus from time to time, somehow has nothing to do with it. This fear is a feeling and the thought arises that it must be fear, because I know it that way, but then it doesn't go in any particular direction, I can't place it anymore, is that right?
Now there's another doubt as to whether what I'm writing to you is correct. That is the reason why I haven't written, because I don't really know what is true for me and what is not and what is just intellectual understanding. In any case, there is this huge longing to finally realize that there is not and never has been an I, a self.

After one of the meditations 3 or 4: I saw the person Ilse sitting in bed and then getting up and walking across the room to the kitchen, making coffee or washing herself in the bathroom, combing her hair and there is a shadow that is always one step behind her, like a shadow, always saying this is me, I am doing this I am making coffee I am washing myself I am taking care of myself I am this. But always a little too late, always a little later. A toddler running after his mum? This person Ilse just lives “her“ life, which means she lives in life itself.
But I cannot really grab it. - it's not really the fear of losing myself, I just realise now that there's such a sadness and despair that I can't let go of “I”, but who is it that can't let go ?
Help
And who or what is this me/self that is trying to understand that there is no self.

But I realise that this engagement with the videos, the podcast, the books and the meditations brings me to life. I can't say it any other way, I see much more life in life.

With love,
Ilse

Didn't realize this is in just 15 minutes but she does these monthly
Link to all Zoom Meetings

I should have been in time? ! But I could not get into the meeting. It said, I had to wait for the host.
Where and in which country is Ilona doing this zoom meetings?
In any case, thanks for letting me know about it.

Ilse

Hi

Email her. She does these oncea month. She is in Mauritas.

That is the reason why I haven't written, because I don't really know what is true for me and what is not and what is just intellectual understanding.

Write anyway. That's what you have me for.

Loving,

Write anyway. That's what you have me for.

Dear Stacy,

I am writing a lot – Pages – just for myself, but I don’t have the impulse to translate it and send it to you as I do not know why.
Next time I am going to take part in one of Ilonas live videos and listen to it. Thank you for making me aware of it. I am not giving up and I am really really convinced that there is no “I”, that it is all an illusion and at some point I will realise it. But it is still clinging and ruling my life.

With love,
Ilse

Hi Ilse!

I was wondering just this morning how you were doing. Yes, no need to translate a lot of writing. Writing is just thinking.

Are you LOOKING?

Loving,

Are you've still there?

Do you still want to be guided here?

Are you've still there?

Dear Stacy,
Thank you for thinking of me.
Every day I try to “look” and I find no self or “I” in me or about me, can't name it, because where is it?? But no change happens. On the contrary, it's so crazy, even the animals let me know that they have an “I”. The squirrel lets me know that this is the only way it can jump from tree to tree. The bird lets me know that only it can fly like this. Every animal is unique. Just like every human being.
I know it's all just my thoughts, but I'm stuck here. The idea of my self does not want to leave me.

Do you still want to be guided here?

Do you have any helpful pointer to that.

With much love,
Ilse

Are you've still there?

Dear Stacy,
Thank you for thinking of me.
Every day I try to “look” and I find no self or “I” in me or about me, can't name it, because where is it?? But no change happens. On the contrary, it's so crazy, even the animals let me know that they have an “I”. The squirrel lets me know that this is the only way it can jump from tree to tree. The bird lets me know that only it can fly like this. Every animal is unique. Just like every human being.
I know it's all just my thoughts, but I'm stuck here. The idea of my self does not want to leave me.

Do you still want to be guided here?

Do you have any helpful pointer to that.

With much love,
Ilse

Oh good. Glad you are still there.

Try this pointer. Also, review the pointer on Truth & Lie. Pay close attention to your gut feeling. The "self" is a lie. Your gut will clench.

Explore ‘Sense of Self'

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

Loving,

Dear Stacy, thank you for the questions.

I know your description of the search for the key very well. Also the helplessness that it's not where you thought it was.
That's a good comparison. But the key exists and the “I” doesn't.
I'm at a loss, how can I look for something that doesn't exist. Sometimes it seems to me like old wrapping paper that I have unwrapped myself from and that is still lying around and hindering me.
Then there is the thought of who is this person who is so desperately searching for reality. That is also another “me”.

Does the sense of self have a location?

I feel through my whole body where it should be. I know it's not in any of my limbs or organs. Rather in my blood circulating through my body. No, that's unlikely. More likely in my thoughts. Now I feel like I'm searching for the key. It's like a boundary that I can't cross, like a censorship, a control. It's not inside me, it's around me. A wall that won't let me out, that I can't get through. But who is the “me” here again?
I could cry. I'm so sure that the “me” doesn't exist. I believe everything that is said and written in Liberation Unleashed. And yet I am in its power.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

It is invisible. I can't see it. Neither a shape, nor a certain size. It is an invisible wall that separates me from reality, the “self” that forces me into a role, a costume, a mask. And doesn't let me be free. An invisible border, a barrier, a fence.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

Yes, there are thoughts about how the world and I should be. Like my mother. Be modest and well-behaved. It gives me direction - otherwise I wouldn't know what to do.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

It suddenly appears in my head. There are thoughts in my head. Experiences from the past.
There's another “self” inside me that says I don't have to listen - this is not reality.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

Yes, it restricts me, it's strict.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Only from thoughts. It has no image, I can't hear it, I can't taste it, I can't smell it and I can't really feel it. It's just a thought. Everything, everything, everything.
What am I doing to myself.
When I read my answers now, I could have written from the beginning that they are just thoughts.

How do you stop the thoughts?

Thank you for being there for me,
Ilse

Okay, let's go over these:

I'm at a loss, how can I look for something that doesn't exist.

Some call it "unfindable inquiry." You look and look and when you do not find, eventually, your mind is convinced there is no such thing to find. Nothing there.

And yet I am in its power.

Nothing there to have any power! It is a mistaken belief, just a thought. Nothing more than a thought. Stop believing it and you are free.

It is invisible. I can't see it.

Invisible because there is no such thing.

there are thoughts

Yes, and those will not go away. You simply stop believing them. You cannot believe the lies that thought tells.

You must relax in order to SEE. Straining and stressing keeps clarity away.

Yes, it restricts me, it's strict.

This is a lie. Not true. Check your gut feeling. It is probably very tight when you think this lie.

Only from thoughts. It has no image, I can't hear it, I can't taste it, I can't smell it and I can't really feel it. It's just a thought. Everything, everything, everything.
What am I doing to myself.
When I read my answers now, I could have written from the beginning that they are just thoughts.

That is right. Nothing but thoughts. Made up thoughts. Lies, if you will.

How do you stop the thoughts?

You do not stop thoughts. We have no control over thoughts. We simply ignore them. Stop believing them.

This is just like Santa Claus. You may see someone in a red suit again, but you are not fooled! You know he is only a man, not real. Same with thoughts. You don't believe in them any more. You stop believing in them because you have SEEN that they are not real.

We keep looking until you experience a shift in perception where you either suddenly or gradually accept that there is no self. Your whole way of looking at things changes when that happens. Reading Gateless Gatecrashers or Liberation Unleashed will give you examples where this happened.

Keep looking until it is very clear that there is nothing to see.

Keep posting these questions and thoughts so I can support you.

Loving,

Dear Stacy,
Thank you so much for taking care of me.

I wish Stacy, I didn't have to translate everything. That often delays the answers. And I hope I'm translating it correctly.
My Gut is nearly always clenching. Remember when I wrote to you that my whole life is a lie?

Nothing there to have any power! It is a mistaken belief, just a thought. Nothing more than a thought. Stop believing it and you are free.

It sounds so simple. Stop believing it. But that's what I do. I don't believe in a separate 'me' and yet I experience it every day.
Who taught me that? My parents, my environment. Even today I am still told you are this, you are so and so, you can do this, you can't do that, you look like that, you're not ..... how I wish I didn't believe all that. I am not free.
Sometimes, early in the morning when I'm still totally sleepy, I notice that my body simply gets up by itself and goes to the bathroom without me having decided to do so, although I only realize this afterwards when the “me” thought kicks in and claims it for itself. But that gives me a little insight into the fact that it would also work without me.

It makes me so sad that I can see and understand all of this and yet I can't realize it. I know I mustn't fight this “self” because that would make it even more real. And so I try to observe it. But this observer is just me again.
And I see how my “I” works when it usually doesn't want something the way it is at the moment. And then - what do I do then? I try to see reality and the difference between reality and what my “I” thinks and makes of it. And if it's a good day, I can laugh about it, but most of the time it makes me sad. I've been living with this myself for so many years now, it will probably take me a while to unlearn it.
But it is very invigorating and worth living for me to know that there is a possibility that I will realize and recognize it at some point and might then be free. That is my goal, that is the most important goal in my life. Is it only the thoughts that separate me from it?

Yes, and those will not go away. You simply stop believing them. You cannot believe the lies that thought tells.

Yes, there are thoughts, and I don't have to believe them. But that's probably just as difficult as thinking that spiders are harmless. Spiders here in Germany really aren't dangerous and yet I think they are and I'm afraid of spiders. Letting go of this thought is similarly difficult.
Intellectually, I know that spiders are harmless and can't do me any harm. And yet I get scared when I see one and I'm afraid. Even if I can catch it with a jar and put it outside. The fear is there. Believing in the self seems similar to me.
I know that there is no self. Intellectually, I know that it is not there. And yet I have the feeling of an 'I'. The spider is not dangerous and that “I” does not exist. I believed the idea that I have a “self” and I believed the idea that you have to be afraid of spiders. I still believe it, despite all logic.
And the thought keeps coming up, who is this person who keeps trying to discover that there is no self. That is also “me”.

You must relax in order to SEE. Straining and stressing keeps clarity away.

Yes, that's true. I'm always looking for something to do, something to keep me busy.
Dear Stacy, That was a lot, but it came up when I read your answers.

I wish you a happy and peaceful Easter
With love,
Ilse

Hi Ilse

You're doing fine. Try this. It should take you out of that clenching lying feeling, and out of fear.


Here is an anxiety exercise that focuses a person in the present, and in a part of the brain that cannot do anxiety. Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________." A minute or two of each and usually anxiety is gone.

I see the couch.
I see the keyboard.
I see the glass. Etc.

I hear the train.
I hear the keys clacking.
I hear my breath. Etc.

I feel the couch under my butt.
I feel my fingers on the keys.
I feel the cold air. Etc.

I taste a metallic taste in my mouth.
I taste the coffee.
I taste the food. Etc.

I smell the humidity in the air.
I smell my husband's shampoo.
I smell the soap. Etc.

As far as I can tell, the only time this doesn't work is when someone won't do it.

Loving,