Hi James
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No there isn't a separate, isolated, solid self existing. There is awareness, experience or whatever word can be used to describe the subjective living sensation of experiencing life, sense-input, thoughts and all, yet this doesn't mean there is a self. It is more like a label being added to this experience post hoc. And there was never this "self", even though it did seem like there was a distinct me, there was not and will never be.
Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.
For example, I run to the train, yet I miss it by a few seconds. I am out of breath, my heart rate is accelerated, I feel heat, sweat and there are thoughts about how stupid that I missed the train now and that I will be late for work and there is an emotion therefore arising of fear and anger. These experiences give then rise to the impression, that there is a me, who is angry and anxious about having missed the train. That if something external (train) gives rise to something internal (bodily sensations) there must be a ME to who this is happening to.
I am stroking a pillow, it feels soft and pleasant to my hand. I like the sensation, therefore there needs to be an I that touches the pillow and likes it.
There is a decision I want to make, for example, which socks to wear. There is an internal voice chattering that the blue ones fit better with the outfit yet the grey ones are more comfy. The presence of these thoughts, of this inner dialogue made me assume that there is a self who is "talking", being rational in deciding, otherwise there wouldn't be this inner voice.
How life has changed:
I keep pausing in situations where usually I would be caught up in a situation, in a narrative, in an emotion and ask myself if this really matters the way it seems and then I see the emptiness of the situation and it becomes lighter, less serious because there is no one I need to defend, to protect, to prove. Everything happens and that's it. I think it has added a certain lightness to situations.
How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is this lightness, as I mentioned above. It feels rather liberating, relaxing, and comforting.
I think before LU, I thought it would require giving something up, sacrificing something if I give up the idea of a Self. Now I realize that this is not the case, it is easy and not so different than I thought it would be. In a sense ,that I still do the same things and have similar thoughts and all, yet it has this quality of lightness. I somehow can't seem to find a better adjective than lightness to describe it.
I think I used to sometimes get caught up in situations, taking things personally or more heavy, this has changed. And my expectations and way of viewing enlightenment has also shifted.
Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self. Was there a point when you ‘got it’?
One important inquiry was when I looked at what this inner voice, which I thought was Me, is. I observed it and asked what is this really. And then I realized it is nothing else than talking, just internally. And I don't think that talking, that my voice is Me. It is just a way of communicating ideas.
Another event was on the dancefloor. I was caught up in daydreams while dancing and then I came back to the present moment and asked myself who is dancing and thinking and moving this body, it is moving even though the thoughts where somewhere else. And it was clear to me that there is dancing, there is movement and other people around and thoughts and awareness, yet no self. And everything only existed in relation to everything else and it didn't really matter (in a beautiful way). Everything felt light and relative and easy. In a sense I could see the emptiness in me, in the people around me, in the situation. Everything was just experience in different forms, nothing else.
Another experience was at a talk, in which there were some statements I disagreed with talked about. I felt aversion rise up and unwillingness to pay attention, my mind was drifting. Then the thought came, that everything is changing, impermanent. Who is that which disliked the message? Who is critical and bored? And then there was no one, nothing who has these aversions. Nothing to do, nothing to be, things were just as they were and thats beautiful and alright. Again lightness, but also joy. ANd then quickly mySELF came back, feeling shame/guilt for doing my own thing at the talk.
Describe decision, intention, free will, choice, and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how these things happen and how they work.
A decision is choosing between options: for example, do I turn my hand up or down now. It is the result of a choice. A choice, which is the possibility of different actions or outcomes or such. Free will is something that we human beings very much believe, or like to believe we have: the free will to choose by our own making. To not be determined, destined for a certain choice.
Things happen because of other things happening, its a chain reaction of many different steps. In a way, it is actually difficult or impossible for us to know why things happen, and why we do what we do. We want to believe, that we act voluntarily, rationally, and self-determined out of free will. Yet things happen and then sometimes we are aware when they are already happening. If I am typing really fast a random word, I am aware of what I am typing only during the typing or afterwards, not before. Even though I would like to believe that I am choosing, and controlling what I am typing.
Like I mentioned above, the dancing- I was dancing, my body was moving to the music but I was not dancing. It happened. I was aware that I am dancing yet the decision to move my arm a certain way, for example, I was not deliberately doing. It was happening and I was part of it. Yet there was no doer.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
I am not sure exactly how to understand this question.
I am responsible for how I act and deal with things internally and externally. Yet this responsibility is not something heavy, as it used to feel for me. Responsible yet also letting go of it. For example, when I am late and I miss the train, I am responsible for how I react, if I get angry or upset, and if I, therefore, would let out my frustration on other people. I am not responsible for the whole situation though, or how other people would react to me in response. So I am responsible for how I react to what's happening yet not for what's happening.