Beginner looking for liberation

[Elad]

You are doing well! Lets Let process do what it needs to do some more together...

Please for the next day look at the fluctuations of doubt and absence of doubt, thoughts of seeing, thoughts of not seeing and the absence of both, same for experience of succes, failure and the absence of both, with regards to seeing. Just notice how it is and moves, anything about it that is direct experience. What controls it? Is any of it indicating a problematic fixed self? What is experienced?

[Jay85]

Dear Elad, sorry for my delay posting. We agreed on a daily posting, but to be honest I did procrastinate in hope to report you something special. In retrospect this sounds really silly and opposite to what we were discussion the whole time. It was a quite busy weekend and time did past in an instant, I did observe the movements of the mind and of my environment. One question did come up several times. What is driving all this?

Is there a problematic self to fix?
There were different thoughts, moods and emotions, but non of them are referring to me as a self - nothing had sticked.

[Elad]

Dear Elad, sorry for my delay posting. We agreed on a daily posting, but to be honest I did procrastinate in hope to report you something special. In retrospect this sounds really silly and opposite to what we were discussion the whole time. It was a quite busy weekend and time did past in an instant, I did observe the movements of the mind and of my environment. One question did come up several times. What is driving all this?

Is there a problematic self to fix?
There were different thoughts, moods and emotions, but non of them are referring to me as a self - nothing had sticked.

Good stuff! What drives all this is a great question to bring one into direct contact with the mystery... Sounds like you see/feel that.

Try intoning several times "it is clearly seen that there is no separate self anywhere" after intoning let go and just see what happens, what comes up. Play with it, then write me about it.

[Elad]

Ps. the honesty about the procrastination and the wishing for something good to tell is valued here. Liberation dawns and deepens in being honest about such thoughts and patterns, and seeing that they have no self, no solid reality beyond spontaneous unfolding.

[Jay85]

The intoning of this sentence does resonate somewhere. It’s like something is responding, it’s quite silent but it’s there. How can I further work with this.

To intone what has been seems to open up something. It feels like, that the observation of non self gets a new depth :)

[Elad]

The intoning of this sentence does resonate somewhere. It’s like something is responding, it’s quite silent but it’s there. How can I further work with this.

To intone what has been seems to open up something. It feels like, that the observation of non self gets a new depth :)

Good! Keep listening to that subtle resonance, sink into it when possible.

Play with other sentences, you can do it intuitively, stuff like:

"No one is controlling this"
"No one here is choosing anything"
"There never was anyone separate at all"

Etc etc

Write me soon what comes up.

Also do this exercise:

[Elad]

Time Exercise

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.
But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time? Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?
Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?
How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?
Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began? How long does the ‘now’ last?
Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?
When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?
What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?
So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

[Jay85]

The experience of time did change over the last couple of month. Thinking about future, past and time in general does feel a bit off, also a bit silly. Sure I still talk about time in a relative sense, I mean it’s still important to function in this world (e.g. business, appointments etc.), but it feels different, its nothing serious anymore.
My sense for time management is getting worst, if I would need to guess I think the reason is that past and future don’t feel “real” to me. It’s more like a thought.

Looking for time in my experience is weird, as I can’t find it. Linear time seems to be a thought, there is nothing except the now which is experienced in this moment.

[Elad]

The experience of time did change over the last couple of month. Thinking about future, past and time in general does feel a bit off, also a bit silly. Sure I still talk about time in a relative sense, I mean it’s still important to function in this world (e.g. business, appointments etc.), but it feels different, its nothing serious anymore.
My sense for time management is getting worst, if I would need to guess I think the reason is that past and future don’t feel “real” to me. It’s more like a thought.

Looking for time in my experience is weird, as I can’t find it. Linear time seems to be a thought, there is nothing except the now which is experienced in this moment.

Exactly.

Try intoning the two following sentences. After intoning each one be still and see what comes up, thoughts , sensations etc. Do each one several times.

Sentence 1: I am a separate self with control over myself. This is my body, my thoughts, my sensations.

Sentence 2: There is no separation or control. Sensations and thoughts flow spontaneously, they have no owner or controller.

Write me what is experienced.

[Elad]

Ps. It can be helpful to use electronic/mobile calender for reminder of practical matters, as simple presence deepens and fear driven control lessens.

[Jay85]

An app will be really helpful, I had a busy day and did not remember to do the exercise more than once. It was not that easy to find an app that can reminder me several times a day, but I installed a mindfulness app now and report my experience tomorrow.🙏

[Elad]

Great! Here is another exercise for tomorrow:

Nature Exercise

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.
Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.
Notice that everything is part of one movement.
Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance? Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?
Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

[Jay85]

I spend two hours in nature, walking and sitting on a bench. I had a busy day and I noticed how my mind did tell me the whole time, you are not in the right mood, your are too stressed, The exercise will not work.

So it was a mixed experience, i had the feeling that everything is happening insight me, that I felt a lot of restlessness. I did not find any boundary between me and the environment. But that did not give me any joy., I felt a bit annoyed. I also felt in between, that everything is so busy. That sounds really stupid. I felt stressed in nature.

The experience was like it was, not good not bad.it was not relaxing, for sure. But I do not bother so much.

[Elad]

Sorry you were stressed and didn't experience joy. That being said, the important thing for our investigation is that you saw that baunderies would only be found in imagination. The inquiry we do here is not about feeling joy and peace and avoiding feeling discontent and stress. When we think it is, this becomes our resistance to truth, to seeing.

Let's look at expectations: Do you have any expectations for something more to change with you seeing that there is no self and no agency? If yes, what?

[Jay85]

Honestly, I don’t know. In restrospect. I think I started this “journey” searching for relief from suffering, suffering through mind identification. I watched a lot of video, read zen books, meditated with the headspace app and listed to podcasts and over the time my focus did change little by little. The video of ZDoggMD and Angelo Dillullo did change a lot to me, because it showed me a direct to go to. That awakening is a real thing and totally different than I was expecting it.

Thinking about it, it’s really hard to tell what my expections are: Honestly, it seems that there is still somewhere a yearning for liberation from mind and mix of curiosity and a pull from someway. True does reveal in daily life more and more and that seems the be my compass.