Lori is definitely in my head. I realize now that this is why I get a lot of sensation in my head when doing this work. There is a physical reaction. It feels like there is a physical place she is residing. Interesting....
Whenever you notice this, go right to the sensation in the head, and try to find Lori. Don't go to thoughts for the answer, but look and feel.
The mind wants a label! To leave it un-labeled is so bothersome to it. It would seem best, therefore, to not label it at all. It can be so subtle and sometimes so in-your-face, so palpable. I don't know what it is at these heightened awareness times, or the subtle times. My state of consciousness, where my awareness is, how unconscious I am, makes the difference in how it's experienced. I guess that's stating the obvious.
Of course, the mind wants its imaginary control.
My approach to this would be to not label and go directly to the discomfort in the body and feel that, over and over again, until there discomfort is gone.
This may take hours, days, or even weeks. That's why it's a practice, I guess :)
Whatever knowing that makes it across my barriers, it resonates with some part of me so strongly that i am afraid of it, afraid of losing Lori.
When I 'fell off a cliff' in meditation last spring the feeling of no self, no mind, no body, no world was too much. For a few days I was completely lost. I understand more now, but' I' don't want to go back to so much nothing-ness all at once. That is of course the 'I' talking!
Life has a way of doing this in the perfect way for each person, so perhaps this is more about trusting life instead of the 'I' for you?
Also, usually these experiences of pure nothingness are temporary, just glimpses, often to bring up fear so it can be processed.
We are inquiring into the separate self here, which is not the complete loss of self (that comes later, often), but just seeing that there is no Lori doing, thinking, deciding, feeling, and making things happen.
Should I try and find that state of nothing again? It freaks me out, but I know there isn't any way around fear. I am afraid I will have no frame of reference again. "I' want to do this in stages, but obviously I am not in charge here, which is also the problem, wanting to be in charge. Wow, this one question unpacked the whole enchilada! Facing this, feels like death.
Any suggestions? Or just dive right into the coffin? Lol This sounds glib, but I am not glib, just trying to ease my own internal upset with humor.
Thank you Henri. I've been dancing around this the whole time.
It depends on what resonates with you. I would dive right into the deepest discomfort, but that's me, and I know that approach doesn't work for most.
When you think about the state of nothing now, notice that it's a thought/image. It's not the real thing, but you can use that to bring up the fear, and then gradually go into the fear. Let go of any labels, and get to know it. There are just sensations dancing, wanting to be felt, seen, heard.
***
This brings up the below pointer, which is the start of learning to trust that life/body is living everything, and thoughts/mind are not needed at all, so even if thoughts lose their grip, life takes care of things.
Body Exercise - Inner GPS
Your body naturally navigates life, and gives you data on what it resonates with and what it doesn’t.
For example, have you ever had a ‘gut feeling’ that you shouldn’t do something, and you did it anyway?
Or maybe you felt like doing something that made no logical sense, but it led to exactly what you needed at that time in your life?
It may not make sense logically, but the body knows more than we are aware of.
These yes/no signals often come as expansion/contraction, light/heavy, open/closed, but they may be different for you.
They can happen spontaneously or need time to become clear (a sign that you need time is that you think you need to be faster).
What I’d like you to do for next day is this:
1. Tell your mind that you will conduct an experiment for 24 hours, and that things will return to normal after that if appropriate (this is to get some space and focus on the body)
2. As often as you can, pay attention to what your body feels drawn to do. If it isn’t convenient to do this for all decisions, then do it for small ones, or whenever you can.
(If you have a hard time connecting to your body, just do your best. Look at this as an experiment and play with it.)
3. Pay attention to how your inner GPS communicates with you. Where is it in your body? What does it feel like? Is it instant or does it require time? (focus on direct experience)
4. Also notice how thoughts about self affect the body. What do you find?
If you experience thoughts such as:
- “This doesn’t work”
- “Why are you doing this?”
- “This is silly”
- “This is unsafe”
Tell your mind that you’re just doing it for 24 hours to see what it’s like.
What happened? Report back what you discover.
Let me know if you have any questions :)
