1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is, never has been, and never will be a separate 'self' entity.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self arises when identification with a thought containing an 'I' happens. The more often an 'I' thought is believed (which seems, at an early developmental stage of a human being, an unavoidable, natural process), the more a centre, around which all perceptions revolve and to which all thinking refers, gets established, thus forming a feeling of a personal, separate self, navigating through life, doing and controlling things according to individual preferences and a personal will. But actually, the 'I' thought is always attached - after the fact - to the activities of seeing, hearing, sensing, smelling, tasting, and thinking, so the sense that there is an independent instance in charge of these happenings, is in reality an illusion.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Overall, seeing this feels pretty natural. Only the bit about the illusion of agency feels like it needs to be still integrated. And this is no surprise, as it is also the part that somehow shifted over the course of the last week or so. When the dialogue started, it was somewhat clear that there is no separate self, and identification with thoughts was already pretty loose, but the full extent of seeing through self was not as realised as it feels to be now. So, in retrospect it seems that there was some sticky background belief around that led to an unconscious identifying with a 'doer', especially in respect to emotional work (that apparently 'I' had been doing), but this belief gradually lost it's grip over the last days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It was the inquiry about control, especially the bit about the past ("Has there anybody ever been in control?'), which instantly hit and made the emotionally charged belief about a sense of agency related to 'healing' the past apparent.
5) Describe how decisions are made & give examples from experience.
Decisions are thoughts that arise completely out of conditions, and in themselves are conditions that lead (or don't lead) to further happenings. So, when this morning at breakfast time a tingly sensation in the belly was felt, and consequently the thought arose 'It might be better to have camomile tea', which lead to the action of brewing tea instead of, as usual, coffee, this was a coming together of circumstantial conditions (time of the day, breakfast habits, a sensation and its interpretation, etc. that contributed to a decision-making process resulting in a happening that in itself formed a new knot in the infinite, ever-changing web of interrelated conditions.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention is a particularly interesting phenomenon. It appears as thought, and as such its content is insubstantial as all thought, however, when coming from a place of authenticity, it can lend itself as a kind of vehicle for intuition and deeper intelligence - at least it seems so here, where the intention 'I want to give myself as fully as I can to the process' at some point arose and seemed to correspond with an acceleration of seeing through layers of identity.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
When after an action or happening a thought appears saying 'I did this', thus claiming to be a separate entity having chosen freely between options in the first place, the believe that there is such as thing as free will can easily be established. In my experience, the believe of a free will is pretty much eroded, however sometimes it can momentarily resurface, mostly in cases when prompts and validation by others are involved, e.g. when I recently quitted a well-paid for a much lower paid job, and people applauded this 'courageous choice', a sense of proud on behalf of a separate, decision-making self arose. But these cases are pretty easily seen through and sometimes even comical due to the pretentious signature of ego ('Look, how great I am'). In other contexts a much subtler sense of agency can still linger under the surface (like in the aforementioned case of doing emotional work), but this seems to more and more clarify as well.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choice seems to be an artefact of the above described decision making process. Though ultimately there is no choice as everything happens according to the totality of conditions, choice can nevertheless present itself - most obviously when externally evoked. So, when the barista asks me which coffee beans I'd like to have, a choice will be made, but this, of course, doesn't mean that there is a chooser. In my experience, it's more like a sequence of events: 1. I hear the question 'Would you like the Guatemala or the Aethopian roast?' - 2. I pause – 3. The answer comes: 'The Ethiopian roast, please'. In other, more complex cases there also might be thoughts involved (like in the above mentioned job issue where the decision-making process lasted a couple of days and included several thoughts and considerations), but it is pretty clear that the choice is made rather though me than by me, and this creates more and more a trust in the intelligence of intuition (and especially the inherent intelligence of the body).
Describe control & give examples from experience.
That there is such a thing as control exerted by individual agents is nothing other than an illusory believe, because everything is conditionally interrelated with everything else. This insight deepened, as mentioned before, in the course of the conversation considerably, as the previously rather intellectual understanding turned into a more visceral feel. It has become clearer that the attempt to control causes bodily contractions, which makes it much easier to forgo control in the first place. So e.g., when I moderate a discussion in class, every time something feels complicated and forceful, chances are that a subtle desire to control the course or outcome of the discussion is at play which, when recognised, can let go of rather easily.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Somehow the totality of all conditions seem to make things happen, but a more honest answer would be: I have no clue, how all this works. The more this process advances, the more mysterious everything gets, and – marvellously enough -, the less I need to know.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I'm not responsible for anything, as my experience, my thoughts, and my behaviour are not in my personal control, but 100% conditioned. This becomes particularly clear for me when things are just done without agenda or much thinking in a kind of flow state, which recently seems to happen more frequently both with simple daily tasks like cleaning, and also with more cognitive activities like writing texts or talking to people. This, of course, doesn't mean that, in a relative sense, mistakes for which responsibility needs to be taken, can happen (interestingly mostly, when interfering thoughts like doubts come into play), but also in these cases, there is ultimately nobody that could take on the responsibility.
6) Anything to add?
Not really, just that the conversation was very helpful, I enjoyed it immensely, and am full of gratitude.
