Postby Elad » Fri Jun 09, 2023 9:41 am
"1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?"
There is no seperat I/self in any shape or form and there never was.
"2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now."
The illusion of seperate self goes back as far in life as I can remember, though I remember moments in life where it was intensified. Say looking at the mirror around age 5 and thinking about that this is me, and feeling insecure about it. There is a sense from very early becoming very attached to the idea of Elad, wishing the best for him and worrying for him, feeling insecure about him, but also in some ways in love with him, imagining his future, etc. My sense is that the belief in a seperate self emerges with the development of language and social identity. It seems necessary and useful to have a story of self that captures aspects of how one is identified by others, and also all kinds of info that identifies one as human being (from where one lives and who ones parents are, to what are some of ones talents, hobbies, memories, etc). The problems emerge with the sense that this mind constructed seperate self is the ultimate truth of who one is, with ongoing sense of underlying fear, separation and insufficiency, and attempts to become or fantasize oneself to be better self to make up for that. So to sum it up, this illusion is at one level practical, just like it can be practical to know which university one studies, all though "university" does not exist independent of mind. The suffering comes from the sense of not-enough, seperation and fear that is connected to believing it to be really true, and struggling with evidence to the contrary. More could be said about this, but I think enough for now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels mainly relieving to see this clear, and with shifting energies and states that are happening by themselves. This was seen it seems long time ago, but there was a lack of clarity about what it meant and how the mind recreates a sense of self and a sense of doubt, and so there was an ongoing sense of living as if thought-self is real with a parallel uncomfortable sad feeling of being out of touch with reality, that is paradoxically intimately known as closer then close. The last days there is a growing relief in seeing again and again that there is no seperate self and no one controlling or needing to control. A more thick feeling of self and doubt can come (for example in thinking about psychological theories of personal development or getting lost in self/day-dreaming/distractedness, or dreaming of a wished or feared future for Elad, or thinking "is this really waking up? Will it stay?" or some feeling or experience is resisted etc etc). And yet upon looking it is seen that these processes are also happening habitually without a choice or control or self, so there is a process of re-releasing into no-self, almost like a child excited to experiment with having learned to walk, it feels natural but also a bit scary, there is a fear of losing it or discovering it is not real, and then a confirmation again and again that it is so, and functions like that by itself. There is excitement in how this unfolds in social situations and etc. There is a sense of realizing that even what is said here is a relative and useful description of a reality beyond this.
"4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?"
The looking happened years ago, and then there was a process of living in identification-non-identification confusion. In this process two main things helped: 1) the clear questions helped consolidate the kind of spiritual fantasies and doubts that kept the search going (for example fantasy that doubt could never come again, or that truth will be philosophically unquestionable) and make it clearer for the mind what the seeing means. 2) In the zoom meeting with Luchana, the body reacted with severe aversion (nausea, migraine) to anything the mind tried to say to create and believe in the lie of an identity of one who knows or *don't know*. What was left was silence and seeing and peace and heartfulness, that has been deepening in the days since, together with the growing clarity about what happened. Things like this has happened before over the years since age 17, but this time together with the increased clarity from this process, it got clear that selfing was happening again by believing that that the selfing thoughts and doubts ment the illusion was back or reality not seen. Now again and again it is being confirmed that these mechanisms are just other "karma's"/habbit patterns without a self doing them, they don't indicate anything about a self, just like seeing doesn't indicate something about a self (except that it doesn't exist).
"5) Describe decision & give examples from experience."
a) Thinking about what to write right now, thoughts and typing appears without anyone choosing them. Conventionally I choose to write and there is the thought and energy of intentionality which we conventionally call choice, and at the same time it's clear no seperate self is there to choose.
b) Singing lesson this morning. Choosing to do my best, to do effort and balance it with relaxing, i.e. what Buddhism calls "right effort". And again, it is seen no one really is in control of the choices and of all the factors that effect them (like energy level, concentration going up and down, tension starting to happen and calling for relaxation, ability to process complex harmonies, etc ).
c) Thinking about my ex-girlfriend, we recently broke up. Thoughts and feelings about that, shifting wishes and fears for the future, sadness, longing. Choosing not to contact her, not to repeat stuck patterns and to honor our appointment not to speak until we are ready to start a new chapter. This choice is happening out of a felt sense that this is right to do now. There is no rational ultimate knowing what is right, just an honoring of the felt sense. There is no seperate and/or rational self in control of this felt sense or knowing how it might be a day or even a minute from now.
"Describe intention & give examples from experience."
All the above examples, are also examples of intention. Intention is there, there is just no seperate self choosing it or controlling it. There is intention to honor my ex and myself, and no one chooses it. There is intention to act as best I can so I will have a happy relationship in my life, and no one chooses that it is so. Same with Intentionality to be clear in this writing. Intentionality is a natural part of being human (probably any animal, maybe also plants in some proto-form), it doesn't indicate a seperate self, just the function of instincts, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, etc.
"Describe free will & give examples from experience."
There is no ultimately free will since all is natural function of the whole. That being said, the notion of free will is useful on the conventional/relative level of thinking and functioning. On that level it simply means being in touch with what ones will is as a dynamic expression of the whole in the moment. That feels free. And yet, to be clear, in fact this free will is not the will of a seperate self, it is an experience and expression within the whole that functions in ways beyond rational and limited mind understanding.
"Describe choice & give examples from experience."
Again, the earlier examples clearly pertain to and speak to that.
"Describe control & give examples from experience."
Healty control is just the experience of capability to predict or do something constructive.
Unhealthy control is just the experience of trying to be able to predict or do something one cannot - say feel differently then one does in a given moment.
Both phenomena ultimately function without control of a seperate self, no one here is in control of what is experienced as being in control or out of control.
The notion of control is useful for communicative purposes and in planning etc, and is not ultimate reality.
"What makes things happen? How does it work?"
Ultimately phenomena are and happen in ways beyond our comprehension. On a relative level all the accumulated knowledge of the sciences and arts and common sense and personal experience and spiritual traditions can sometimes be used to know how things happen (to boil water, heat it up, etc). Again, this is relative knowledge, not ultimate truth which is closer then close and a mystery to mind.
"What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience."
Ultimately there is no I and so nothing I can be responsible for. Relatively speaking I am responsible in the conventional ways. A sense of responsibility, of consideration, of being able to feel remorse with wish to repair (as opposed to unrealistic self punitive demands and guilt), are still key to function as a loving and healthy human being. And it is seen again and again that ultimately the capability or incapability and willingness or unwillingness to do that on the relative level is an expression of the unfolding whole beyond comprehension.
"6) Anything to add?"
Thank you so much Luchana and LU for this support and process. It's been immensely helpful. After allowing this to sink in for some time I imagine I would like to guide, as Luchana mentioned. I will also read guidings of other guides in the future. Very curious how this unfolding will continue. Both in personal life and in work life as clinical psychologist, "teacher" of secular Buddhism and experiential psychotherapy (that's my profession and work, on the relative level now). There is a feeling of mainly curiosity and trust.
With love and gratitude
Elad
With love,
Elad
Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
- Kahlil Gibran
One gets there by being there.
- Master Woof (Gilbert, Ta Hui)
