Hello Alan,
This is a bit long and yet all of it wanted to be here!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Looking around right now, in and through me, there is no entity anywhere. It is not hiding in the heart, especially the head or even in the spaces in the neurons and spinal cord. No one is there or can speak up for themselves! I’ve given the “me” plenty of time to speak/appear, and it is nowhere to be found. There’s no sense it had a life and then disappeared. It had never existed from the start and only developed as thoughts/images through years of conditioning and language.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
It is assuming and trusting that there is an “alive” entity called “me” or “Rose” that is having experiences happen to it. This self has what we’d call a personality, with preferences, moods, and other characteristics. I have believed that situations happen to a separate me and are not connected to others. I make choices by myself without impacting others, since they are separate. Often, “reviewing” my history with myself or others would reinforce this separate self.
The separate self can show up as thoughts that “I” am deficient in various ways or I am a good mom or I am not creative etc. Like a definition of what and how “I” am. The sensations of this defining of a me feels heavy and like I’m trapped in a box.
Now what is different? There has been a gradual relaxing of reactivity here for some years actually. But, the intense LU focus on what is true regarding a “me” that owns experiences, has shown that is false. I cannot argue about this, though I’ve tried! There is nothing here that owns or is defined by experience that is a discreet entity. When I look directly, there is only quiet, calm emptiness.
At a restaurant a few days ago, a server noticed I did not finish my entrée and said to me “You did a bad job not finishing your food” and instinctively what was said back was (mostly in jest) “Yes, but I am a good person!”
The response was so fast and although it felt humorous, I saw that this was a belief about “me”. A strong identification as a good person. I saw this right when I spoke back to her, and there was a natural body relaxing. I felt a sense of relief and I noticed, It did not matter how she saw me or how I saw “myself. None of that mattered in the moment. The whole interaction was seen with more clarity. The server was coming from her view and it was ok, there was no real resistance to what she said now. There was a sense of being open and accepting of the moment. It was interesting to notice in the midst of this acceptance, that there was still some sense of annoyance here, and also smiling and ease. When the phrase “Everything can be here” is heard, this example is what comes up.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels relaxing, with more ease as I write this As each day is here, there seems to be a noticing of slowing down, a more noticing of the moment. It’s like there was some sanding off of rough edges that would normally be irritated and taking everything personally.
Before I started this dialogue, there was much more doubt sensation around what was seen, especially the” inner entity”. I had some belief that even if I see no inner entity, it was somehow there. “What if I get this wrong?” was underneath many of my responses. The “me “ thought “What if I see it’s not there, I tell my guide and then I wonder if it’s here again?” That felt like a pressure spot here, like I had to get this absolutely right.
Repeated looking and patience on your part, it became clear IT'S NOT HERE. There nothing to be interacted with or be pleased with. It’s like, when I see through a belief and remember what’s true, it’s like I released something very tight. I still get caught, but if the “sensations of caughtness” can be seen relatively soon, I am less mesmerized by the “little me that is like this”.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It feels quite gradual with all the ways this process works. Communicating daily, LOOKING, SEEING, LOOKING, SEEING……Working with the resistance and doubt, so important !! Kindness on your part. Re-explaining. Giving examples. Encouragement. So in others words, structure and support as a foundation for trust and with love, to really start to look. Once I felt this sense of foundation, it was much easier to trust that when I looked, there was nothing behind the “me”, dialogue and all the rest of the character.
In addition to the foundation, I think the simplicity of sensing the hand and also choice point of the hand turning, were important to my lessening of the doubt. It was so simple and straightforward. I could not pick it apart and once when I did, you pointed out, that was a story. So after the sensing hand exercise, there seemed to be an intuitive “of course” and I could see that it has always been this way. I noticed a release in the body that was ever so subtle. There is nothing here as this body. Ok. Quiet, empty.
5) Can you talk about
decision, & give examples from experience.
This is based on understanding and some personal experience. There is no” I “that makes a decision. When a decision is “made” it doesn’t come through a “me”, but more an appearance that is somehow known. I’ve had a few situations where there were decisions to be “made” like there were “options to choose from”. But what is coming up with and considering all the options?
For example, a decision was to be made, whether to work a bit more. There was a staying with it and some practical information came in. At some moment, the decision of a “yes” was noticed. It’s not like there was an exact moment. In the past there would have been more doubt and fear around making the “wrong” decision. Somehow making the “wrong” decision doesn’t feel so harsh. What is making the decision? I don’t know.
intention, & give examples from experience.
I don’t know how this works. I would say there is still a sense of energy here that could be called “intention” For example, a friend got into a bike accident and there was something here that wanted to light a candle and “send kindness and love” to that individual. The felt sense is quiet, no words and just a being with that feeling of love and maybe thinking of that person. “I “didn’t “intend” to send him love but it came up as a movement that wanted to happen. Is there an ”I” that intends? As I feel into it, it doesn’t feel personal , like, “I, Rose, will send him some love so he feels better”. It feels like a natural movement that arose when I heard about the accident. There could be another level of reality that intends, but it is not coming from a “me”.
free will, & give examples from experience.
This is a good one and I have not fully understood this yet. How it feels to me is that the “me” thinks it can do stuff on it’s own.
It looks that way for sure, and it is believed by the “me”. As I “do” tasks now, it feels more like a natural movement towards what’s needed, without the efforting.
My sense of having my own personal will is that this would be impossible given that everything seems interdependent. How can “I’ do something separate from the whole? This is a felt sense but also an understanding. But it can “look” like it is a separate will, I just don’t see it that way any more. I just picked up my phone. Was that free will? It looks like that, but it’s like I know too much, “I” can’t do that separately.
choice and control? & give examples from experience.
Yes, this is a joke (that I am controlling anything, that “I” am selecting something). The control issue was a big confront for me in this work, still a work in process. I can still see how “I” want to control things and then it’s remembered, nothing can be controlled. Then I relax a bit. For example, the “me” would try to make things “go well” for others by over-accomodating and hope to avoid conflict.” I” was going to control the interaction. Today this is seen more clearly now
There is less of a sense of an “I” that needs to make things “ok” so much. I get surprised at how” letting” things happen, is an option. Again, it feels like a relief and there also is a feeling of panic sometimes because I’m not “trying” to effect an outcome. I still ask within, “Is it ok to just let this play out?”, as if there really is a choice here. I forget and then I remember…repeat.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
I have no clue. I guess this is unknown. I am coming to know that everything is happening now, appears, but this creation is not anything I can see. Maybe intelligent mystery.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
What comes is, there is responsibility here. There is no “I” that is responsible, and yet there is a responsibility to the life that is here. If everything is just happening without a cause and effect, on a grand scale there is no responsibility. But there is responsibility living in this reality. Not necessarily from a blaming/judgment place, but there’s a responsibility to the whole of which I am a part. There is a recognition that we are not separate and when that is known/remembered, my responsibility in inherent in everything. It is a deep understanding that is different than from a place of moral blaming.
I am responsible for following the rules and laws that I live within. Let’s say the traffic light is out, there’s a responsibility to continue to drive safely by stopping at the traffic light before moving through the intersection. There’s responsibility around my behavior and how I conduct my behavior that feels like a natural outgrowth of not wanting to interfere and yet naturally be kind. For example, what is said in confidence, is kept in confidence. Is that a responsibility? No, it is not a heavy burden I have to endure, it is a natural way to interact that requires no ”me”. Underneath the label of “responsibility” may be an open space that naturally wants to take care of whatever is happening in a loving way.
Oh there’s much more to be open to and experience. There is a strong sense of this is the start of a deepening process that just may not ever end.
Love to you Alan,
Rose
