1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. There is no separate "self" entity that can be found anywhere. There never was. It was all just a story built by thought and the identification with those thoughts.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
The mind has divided up experience as it is into objects, as well as an "I" that witnesses and is separate from those objects. The "I" is just a thought, but instead of it just being seen as thought, it is interpreted as "self" and therefor identified with. The voice in the head "mind/thoughts" becomes "me". Then thought is used to create all these stories about the world and the "self" that just continually strengthens and reinforces this identity. Complex belief structures about reality as it is are created and "pasted" on top of what is real. This creates a sort of distorted fantasy world, which only resembles what is simply there. What is different through inquiry is there is a seeing of this process and mechanism in real-time. When it is seen for what is simply is, it loses it's "hold". The "hypnosis" breaks. It is understood that reactivity has been to a mental dream world, and not to reality as it is. All these narratives lose their hold and "stickiness".
3) How does it feel to see this?
The feeling varies. Most of the time it feels "neutral", it's just understood to be a mechanism, a thought loop that was seen through. Other times, it feels quite freeing, there was never anything that "needed" to be achieved or reached. For the body, it is a very visceral and felt sense of relief. A dropping of tension. There are still some tensions that arise, but no longer any desire to go into stories about it or how to stop it. It is just seen to be reactions of the body out of habit. They are much less intense and much less frequent.
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There was a massive amount of tension and anxiety at the start of this dialogue. Now, and in the past few days there has been almost none. Anxiety and tension hasn't been this low in probably years. Also, this dialog came about because of a notice of a huge drop in "seeking" energy in the past few months which left a feeling of "emptiness", and the natural loss and desire to keep seeking. It was being understood that the seeking itself was a distraction from reality. This dialog accelerated that process, and every single day since, that seeking energy just died off. It was seen quite clearly that these were all attempts to escape what is here right now for "something better". That was seen to be completely futile. Now there just seems to be a deepening acceptance of what is happing here and NOW. The mind still tells it's stories and narrates everything, but it is seen as simply "what the mind does" and NOT reality.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
LIFE! Lol. I am in the middle of quite a lot of change happening that came very quickly. Moving, trying to get house ready for sale, new job, balancing finances, and on top of that, I hurt my back somehow. I was laying on the couch the other day in pain, trying to figure out how I am going to get through moving when my back hurts so much. At that moment my son was distracting me and I felt all the pressure and frustration boiling over. At that moment, I saw how the mind was frantically trying to figure things out. How to "fix" everything. It was constantly contradicting itself, opposing itself, fighting with itself, projecting blame on itself and others, etc, etc. Every "solution" it came up with, it would immediately negate or contradict. It became so clear that it constructs it's own prison, and then "occupies" it. A question arose in the mind "What in the hell is actually going on here? What is really happening?". It became so obvious that the mind cannot control or figure this world out. It never could, it can't now, and it never will. It will NEVER find happiness, contentment, peace, or "enlightenment". It has been tasked with a mission that is can literally never complete. It was doomed from the beginning. I was seen clearly in that moment that the next thought, concept, idea, plan, practice, belief, or scheme will NEVER equate to peace. What has actually been longed for all this time, is just the absence of all of this seeking. Not just "spiritual seeking", ALL seeking. All of this has just been a constant attempt to escape. There was an immediate sense of relief. No need to struggle. There was never anyone to control anything anyways.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Not sure really how to answer this. Decisions, intentions and choice seem to happen, but they just come on their own. I have no idea what will happen next. There is no control. I don't know how to answer to "free will". I don't even really know what that means anymore. Either something will happen or it won't. The "will to do something will arise or it won't. These things may come one way, a different way, or not at all. Even when a decision appears to be made, there is no "choice" in that decision, it just happens. Sometimes the same as before, sometimes different. I literally have no idea at this point what makes things happen or how it works. It just happens. I don't even know what examples to use. Things just happen, and then there are reactions to it. Those reactions may come from a sense of being a "separate entity/doer", or they may not. Either way, it all seems to just spontaneously arise. Nobody does it, it just flows. Even the sense of a "self" either comes or it doesn't. To try to say what the cause is or how it works, I would have to come up with more concepts and ideas.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
Right now I am not even sure what that means. I feel like I went from feeling responsible for the entire world, to not feeling responsible for anything. I don't know how this works. I mean, I still pay the bills, work, play and spend time with my son, hang out with my daughters, etc, but it's different. Hard to put into words. Like my son for example, it is less felt that "I" am responsible for him, and more felt that "God" is. And part of how "God" takes care of him, is by using Mark's body and actions to do so. I know it goes without saying that this is hard to put into words. I feel more like a custodian than an owner of things. My family, money, home, cars, finances, etc, they are all gifts and not permanent. I can now enjoy them without the "delusion" that I am responsible for making sure they never go away, change, etc. Also, I notice that "decisions" seem more "logical" now without all the silly stories. Now there can just be simple and intuitive action taken when something happens, as opposed to unconscious "reaction" based on nonsense. Problems are recognized to not really exist. Now there can be an actual, intelligent response to the happening of life. Much simpler way to live.
6) Anything to add?
Not sure what else to add. I feel like a vessel that was overflowing and has now been greatly emptied. That emptiness feels like it has left room for something, although I can't really put words on that yet. I am grateful for the guidance here, it has come at the right time. Now looking back, I realized that everything has come at the right time. There is literally nothing I would change. I will be honest, up until these recent weeks, there had been such intense seeking, that now without the drive or desire to seek, it leaves what feels like an empty space. Not in a negative way, just that there is no longer a "knowing" of what "reality" is. I have no idea what this "reality" is. This leaves a much more open space for experience. It feels like there are no more agendas. That is so different than the way things were that is leaves things being a bit "strange". I was so used to constantly adding more strategies and now there are none. Just regular life, as it is. LOL. There was never anything other than just regular life. There was never anything I needed to become. Now I can just sit on the floor with my son playing with Legos, and not have to be worrying about in my head about how I need to get somewhere or achieve something. More thought was never going to solve anything. There was nothing to solve. The idea there was something to solve, was just another thought. LOL how strange.
Thank you
