1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. When I look I can not find a separate self. The mind wants to show me when I was a separate self. For example when I gave birth to my son, but then I see that my son was birthed. This body was the vehicle but " I " didn't do the birthing. He was just born.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
WOW... My earliest memory of being a separate self was as a 5 year old. I was in an orphanage. Our dorm had maybe 8-10 kids in it. My friend Lonnie was just a week younger than me and we were the oldest of the group of 4 and 5 year olds. If the kids would get out of bed before the Nun came in we would all get into trouble so Lonnie and I entertained the kids so they would stay in their beds. I felt responsible for them. MY RESPONSIBILITY. I have carried that idea of being responsible for others my whole life.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels a little strange, but good. I have been catching myself going in and out of self identity. Then when I see it I relax and catch the flow and remember that it is what it is and it will take care of itself. The old conditioning is still there but it is easing up.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Not sure. I think it was remembering that experience in the orphanage and realizing that it was awful. I used to joke about it but did not see it for what it was. It was a traumatic experience that I have glossed over for 60+ years.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
A friend went into the hospital last night, the wife sent a text asking if I could help tonight for a few hours. I started to write a text explaining all that I had to do and how I could accommodate this request then I erased the text and said OK. It will work itself out however it works out.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
My intention was to go to Meditation tonight. Maybe I will and maybe I won't , we shall see.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free Will.....that's a hard one....I actually got up and googled it... lol...Still working on this answer...will need more time to contemplate. I know Thinking. Seems like a human condition.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choice seems to go hand and hand with Free Will. Who is making the choice ? I prefer steak to chicken but is that a choice or just something that this palate likes. Having a human experience seems to add a little grey to things.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
I have tried to control things my whole life and have finally come to realize that control is not in my hands. This is a hard one. I stayed in a marriage for about 10 years longer than I should have. I had been trying to control everything. One day something happened and it was over. The decision was made and I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. 3 hours earlier I would have never dreamed I would be wanting a divorce.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Magic....lol.... I have no idea.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Living in a human world with a body that requires care. I feel like this life is a gift and experiencing it fully is what it is all about. I work, play, eat, socialize and take care of this body and mind the best I can.
6) Anything to add?
I feel like I have come a long way but still have layers of 'programming" to get through.
Thank you
kathleen