The Gate

- The eyes open and are filled with colours, shadows and shapes -
The ears are filled with sounds -
- The nose is filled with smells -

Let’s dig a bit deeper here.

Are the eyes actually filled with colors and shapes? Is this coming from experience or this just a learned information?

No, it was just a concept used to describe the experience of immediately seeing colours and shapes upon opening the eyes.

Similarly, can you find sounds literally in the ears?

No, another concept to describe experience :)
(I once went on a date with a girl called 'Simile'......dunno why I metaphor...)

What is the experience of ears? How the ears experienced in this very moment?
As sounds? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought? Image?

Only sensation, the very light sensation of muscles around the ears tensing and relaxing when 'I' scan for where they are. Otherwise nothing at all.

Is there anything to the ears than sensations?

No :)

Find somewhere quiet to sit. Rest for a moment and listen to the sounds in the room where you are, or sounds from outside. Whatever it is, I'll just refer to it as 'what can be heard'.

In 'hearing' can anything be found other than 'what can be heard'?

No, there is just what can be heard - Sarah making coffee, my daughter's TV show playing in the living room, wind blowing through the trees outside, distant sound of cars on the motorway

Can what is doing the hearing be found? Or is there only 'what can be heard'?
An 'I'? a 'body'? a 'person'? a brain? A pair of ears?

No, there is only what can be heard, just sound.

Can these be found doing the hearing? Or is there just the sound?
What do you find?

No, there are just different sounds, all happening at once. Nothing could be found that was 'doing' the hearing.

Can an INHERENT HEARER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the hearer, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

No, there is no inherent hearer to be found, there is just the idea of someone hearing. Hearing just is.


Your reference to ‘what can be heard’ is extremely helpful, thank you! Took this to the golf course to investigate further:

What can be seen: Trees, grass, plants, blue sky breaking through grey clouds, ground passing underneath golf shoes.
What can be smelled: Freshly cut grass, horse manure from the nearby farm, sun cream, different flowers and plants, decaying leaves on the ground, the humid air after a recent downpour of rain
What can be heard: Birds, crickets, heavy footsteps on grass/gravel/sand, wind in the trees, voices of other groups, golf balls being hit, golf balls landing with a thud on the green nearby
What can be sensed: Pressure between feet and ground, muscles in arms, shoulders and lower back contracting and extending, the chill of wind on the face, heat of sun on the back, the sting of sunburn, deep breathing, tightness in upper chest, heart beat felt in the chest and neck

All this is just happening as experience. There is no one or nothing to be found who is seeing, smelling, hearing or sensing the contents of these experiences. Nor is it possible to say if the experiences are happening here or there, there is no reference point for a ‘here’ or ‘there’ anymore. Experience just is.

All this is just happening as experience. There is no one or nothing to be found who is seeing, smelling, hearing or sensing the contents of these experiences. Nor is it possible to say if the experiences are happening here or there, there is no reference point for a ‘here’ or ‘there’ anymore. Experience just is.

- The eyes open and are filled with colours, shadows and shapes - the bright TV, plants, trees outside the window, blue sky peaking through the leaves. What is seen is upon me immediately, it can't help but be seen
- The ears are filled with sounds - the noisy TV, cars on a distant motorway, my daughter sucking on her bottle, wind blowing in the trees. What is heard is upon me immediately, it can't help but be heard
- The nose is filled with smells - milk from my daughters bottle, shampoo after her shower, dinner cooking. What is smelled cannot help but be smelled

No, there isn't a separate tangible entity witnessing the experience, it feels more like a constant state of awareness that is aware of things as they happen. It feels like a process, a state of being that is boundless and not localised within the body (call it 'awareing'?), not a separate self or thing.

Now, I would like to go back to some of your comments two days ago.

- The eyes open and are filled with colours, shadows and shapes - the bright TV, plants, trees outside the window, blue sky peaking through the leaves. What is seen is upon me immediately, it can't help but be seen
- The ears are filled with sounds - the noisy TV, cars on a distant motorway, my daughter sucking on her bottle, wind blowing in the trees. What is heard is upon me immediately, it can't help but be heard
- The nose is filled with smells - milk from my daughters bottle, shampoo after her shower, dinner cooking. What is smelled cannot help but be smelled

“what is seen upon me” – “what is heard upon me” – What does the word ‘me’ refer to in this sentence? Awareness?

Yes, this ‘me’ was referring to awareness – not as a separate being or entity but as a constant state of being aware of experience as it happens.

With the conclusion that “I am awareness” and thus what is seen and hear is happening upon me?

Yes, “I am awareness” was a very neatly packaged conclusion and ‘I’ was gravitating towards it at the time….but it didn’t stand up to closer investigation.

Is there an independent awareness/witnessing waiting in the background for things to appear in?

No :)

Funny this realisation would happen while having a cold shower (I’ll spare you the metaphors – sure you’ve had enough of those already!). It’s always been a habit of mine to finish a warm shower with a blast of cold at the end. So while the body is sensing the rapid change in water temperature from hot to cold, the thought of ‘colder, colder, colder….wow, that’s cold!’ was happening. Looking further, these questions came up…..

- What is ‘that’ which is cold? The experience of cold water falling on the body.
- Is this sensation of cold being felt outside or inside the experience of cold water falling on the body? It is being felt, immediately, from inside the experience itself.

So there is no independent awareness waiting in the background for things to happen or experiences to witness. Awareness is happening as part of experience itself.

No, there isn't a separate tangible entity witnessing the experience, it feels more like a constant state of awareness that is aware of things as they happen. It feels like a process, a state of being that is boundless and not localised within the body (call it 'awareing'?), not a separate self or thing.

This sounds a bit as if you replaced the word ‘witness’ with ‘awareness’.

‘I’ did, another false entity masquerading as ‘self’ :)

So you although you say that this awareness is not a separate self or a thing, yet you are talking about it as if were something separate from experience.

Describing it to be boundless and not localized is still about separation.

So let’s dig a bit deeper here.

Is there an awareness which is something special, apart from the five senses?
No.

Is awareness something independent of and prior to sense perception?
No, awareness is not something independent of and prior to sense perception which experiences 'happen on' (like painting colours on a blank canvas), rather it is a state of knowing (or 'awareing') that 'happens in' experience itself. Without awareness, there can be no experience.

Please look very carefully one-by-one with the following questions. Spend a several minutes with each. Literally scan through the whole body from head to toe, with particular attention on the head. Look behind the eyes, into the forehead, the top of the head, the throat, look everywhere. Also scan through all aspects of experience.

Is there a thinker?
No, there are just thoughts happening

Is there a seer?
No, there is just seeing, with ‘what can be seen’ as the contents of experience

Is there a feeler?
No, there is just feeling, with ‘what can be felt/sensed’ as the contents of experience

Is there a hearer?
No, there is just hearing, with ‘what can be heard’ as the contents of experience

Is there a taster?
No, there is just tasting, with ‘what can be tasted’ as the contents of experience

Is there a smeller?
No, there is just smelling, with ‘what can be smelled’ as the contents of experience

Is there an experiencER?
There is no ‘experiencer’, nor is there any separation between ‘experiencer’ and ‘experienced’ - there is just experience itself, always happening.

Is there anything having the experience of whatever is happening?
No, there is nothing and no one having the experience. Experience is just happening by itself.

Is there anything what the experience is happening TO?
No :)

Is there an enduring, autonomous, independent self, separate from the rest of experience?
No there isn’t – been looking this whole time but haven’t come close to finding one. Not once. There does exist a simultaneous awareness of what is happening that is contained within the experience itself, but not outside or separate to it. This awareness is the very essence of experience, whether as seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and sensing – without awareness, experience cannot exist.

Has there ever been an independent separate self?
No, never has been, never will be. This brings back vivid memories of how ‘I’ saw the world at age 2 or 3, such a wonderous time. Just an endless assault on the 5 senses by this new world around ‘me’ – images, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations – and their experiences. Before reasoning was acquired to make sense of them, before words were learned to communicate them, before ‘self’ was cultivated to separate them, experience was all ‘I’ knew and all there was. It still is.

Is searching/seeking still going on?
Hahaha no :)

As you mentioned, seeing through the illusion of ‘self’ is just the beginning. So while seeking for truth is done (or nearing its end), it feels like a new journey is starting to fully digest and integrate this truth and investigate what it means for everything else.

Is there anything that is not totally clear and you would like to look at?

Everything feels clear now thanks Vivien, I definitely have no doubts surrounding the nature of ‘self’ and who ‘I’ really am (or not!). Of course, I’ll trust your judgement as to whether anything has been missed and what further pointers are needed.

Referring to the question above, I’d be grateful for any suggestions, advice and pointers you have found particularly helpful when integrating this truth into a wider understanding of life. Of course only when the time is right :)

Referring to the question above, I’d be grateful for any suggestions, advice and pointers you have found particularly helpful when integrating this truth into a wider understanding of life.

Everything feels clear now thanks Vivien, I definitely have no doubts surrounding the nature of ‘self’ and who ‘I’ really am (or not!). Of course, I’ll trust your judgement as to whether anything has been missed and what further pointers are needed.

When you say “wider understanding of life” – what do you mean exactly? Are you talking about intellectually understanding what life is? Or rather how to live this experience? Or something else?

No, not intellectually (nothing to be gained from that!), rather living life fully through this new perspective that seeing allows, looking deeper and staying with direct experience to see the true nature of things as they are.

It’s important to continue looking after it is seen that I am not who I thought I was. As we talked about this before, this is just the beginning, far from being an end. So if you want to things to deeper and more and more conditionings to fall away, you have to adopt looking into your daily life. With time it becomes a habit, which happens automatically.

Thanks Vivien, this is reassuring to know :)

This is not some quick process, but a journey of a lifetime, an orientation to see life in a different angle, each day is an opportunity to discover a little more.

There’s no hurry, nowhere to go, no one to be, so definitely curious about what lies ahead……but more fascinated with what’s happening right now :)

Also, when certain emotions and reactions are triggered, the feeling of autonomous self can easily come back. Since the combination of the story and the felt sensations and emotions are creating the familiar ‘sense of me’, who is hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, afraid, anxious, etc.

Yes, this ‘sense of me’ still comes up in these situations but it feels far less ‘sticky’ than before. In particular, certain conversations that would almost guarantee an angry/hurt/defensive/anxious reaction from the ‘Tom’ everyone knows no longer contain the sting they once did and can be seen for what they really are – just thoughts and feelings happening.

These patterns hardly dissolve on their own, these needs further investigation. There are many ways to deal with them, like therapy, or any modalities that work with emotions. I also do skype sessions working with emotions and conditioned patters of thinking, behaving, feeling and reacting.

Thank you Vivien, I would be very keen to work with you over skype (when your time allows of course!). It will also be an opportunity to express my gratitude 'face to no face' for everything you’ve done so far :)

Everything feels clear now thanks Vivien, I definitely have no doubts surrounding the nature of ‘self’ and who ‘I’ really am (or not!). Of course, I’ll trust your judgement as to whether anything has been missed and what further pointers are needed.

So would you say that there has been a shift from an intellectual understanding of there being no separate self in way it was thought to be, to an experiential recognition of this?

Definitely, without a doubt.

How does it feel to see this?

Where do I start? (Will dispense with non-dual language for expression purposes)

I am filled with a deep sense of wonder at the sheer intelligence of the universe/cosmos/absolute as the source of thoughts, ideas and feelings and its creative capacity to express itself in so many different manifestations – people, animals, trees, plants, flowers, insects, sun, wind, rain, rocks (just to name a few) – each with innate characteristics and perfection in and of themselves which is impossible to replicate. To know that I am not separate to this ‘absolute infinite beingness’ but rather an expression of it is truly humbling.

Discovering ‘free will’ and personal autonomy to be illusory creations of the ‘self’ has been strangely liberating! Where in the past, I would have identified with self-deterministic quotes such as ‘If it is to be, it is up to me’ or ‘I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul’, this came at the expense of trusting anything beyond who I thought I was, not least life itself. This left me constantly trying to impose a will I thought I had on a seemingly separate, rigid and unsympathetic world as the self-proclaimed ‘doer of deeds’, ‘thinker of thoughts’ and ‘master of fate’ to make things happen (things aren’t going to happen by themselves after all?).

However, by losing the ‘self’ and its manifestations ‘free will’, ‘personal autonomy’ and ‘control’ (none of which existed to begin with), I gained a universe, a newly found trust in life and a sense of wonder for everything that is. While it is still early days yet, life no longer feels forced – time once spent living life in thought, worrying about future events and ruminating on past mistakes is now being lived in the body, experiencing what is happening in the present moment. Life feels more effortless now, like I’m floating with the current rather than swimming against it.

There is also an incredible sense of relief in discovering that there is no inherent meaning or purpose to life. Far from being nihilistic, it offers genuine freedom to decide what things matter most to the ‘story of Tom’ (love, laughter, family, friends, playing guitar, golf, listening to music, reading, nature and holidays just for starters) and allow life to express itself naturally, spontaneously and authentically so every moment, every experience can be fully savoured, enjoyed and cherished.

Who or what is Tom?

Tom is a story, a collection of memories about past experiences, conditioning, feelings, attitudes, assumptions and beliefs. Tom exists only as a thought, an idea, a label - nothing more.

No, not intellectually (nothing to be gained from that!), rather living life fully through this new perspective that seeing allows, looking deeper and staying with direct experience to see the true nature of things as they are.

Yes, this ‘sense of me’ still comes up in these situations but it feels far less ‘sticky’ than before. In particular, certain conversations that would almost guarantee an angry/hurt/defensive/anxious reaction from the ‘Tom’ everyone knows no longer contain the sting they once did and can be seen for what they really are – just thoughts and feelings happening.

Thank you Vivien, I would be very keen to work with you over skype (when your time allows of course!). It will also be an opportunity to express my gratitude 'face to no face' for everything you’ve done so far :)

There are certain patterns which could lessen just by seeing that the self is not what it thought to be, and there are many that stays almost completely intact and will need to be looked at. We can never know what life brings that triggers something in us.

That's true, there's no telling what life might throw us next until its actually happening. It makes sense to spend a lot more time looking and living from this new perspective to see what patterns fall away and which ones remain to ensure any emotional work can be focused on the right places.

If there is nothing specific that is unclear that you would like to look at, then usually the next step at this stage of the process is to ask some final questions that I will show to other guides to see if there is anything that we might have missed and that my guiding was clear. Other guides might or might not have further questions for you.

Are you ready for these final questions?

Yes Vivien, I'm ready :)

Yes Vivien, I'm ready :)

I sent you a private message yesterday about the skype sessions, but I think you haven’t seen it since my message is still in my outbox. You should have received an email notification, but sometimes there are issues with the site and the notifications is not automatically sent. You can check your private messages when you are logged in. There is a link in the upper right part of the page to private messages.

Please answer the following questions with some detail please, and answer what's true for you rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer. Also please provide examples where asked. There are some topics you might’ve written about in the last few days, but please write them about again, as if this were the first time talking about them.

I have dispensed with non-duality language here for convenience and ease of communication.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

No – there is no ‘self’, ‘me’ or ‘I’ to be found in direct experience, nor has it ever existed in reality.

2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience.

The ‘self’ exists only as thought and the various manifestations of thought – including memories, beliefs, assumptions, concepts, emotions and conditioning based on past experiences – all woven together (by other thoughts happening) to create and sustain a ‘story of me’. This ‘story of me’ started in early childhood when we were given names by our parents and taught to answer to them, shown a body in the mirror and told that’s who we were (separate from our parents’ bodies and everything else around us), taught to curb natural impulses and spontaneous expression in the guise of ‘good behaviour’ (which we were praised for) and other conditionings which encouraged self-identification with the body as an autonomous, separate entity.

As we get older, our identity as a separate ‘self’ is reinforced through interactions with supposed ‘others’ and who we think we are is increasingly defined by how we appear to them (as a body) and their perception of our thought-story (as a personality). Over time, constant repetition of the ‘story of me’ happening as thoughts from moment to moment creates the illusion of a ‘self’ as a static, unchanging entity contained within the body that is moving through life separate from others and the world around it.

The illusion of ‘self’ shows up for me in a number of situations, which include:

When my name is called

Upon hearing the word ‘Tom’ called from another room, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as a sudden feeling of separateness between a ‘me’ contained within the body and who or what is ‘out there’ that this ‘Tom’ will soon need to interact with. Additionally, I experience a lot of thoughts happening simultaneously and effortlessly to quickly recreate this ‘story of me’ (familiar memories, beliefs, assumptions, concepts, emotions and conditioning) - almost as a reminder as to who this ‘Tom’ character is - before seemingly solidifying into a static entity and reference point for the interaction to follow.

During times of confrontation and personal attacks (on opinions, beliefs etc.)

In these situations, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as a sensation of contraction within the body, almost like it is closing in on all sides to protect this ‘me’ inside from negative forces ‘out there’ and provide a safe vantage point to fight back from. It is also experienced as the sensation of shallow breathing, dry mouth, rapid heartbeat and nausea in the stomach, all of which exacerbate the feeling of a ‘self’ being localised in the body as ‘feeler’ of sensations.

When anger arises

In times of anger, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as sensations in the body - heat and tension in the chest, neck and throat and tightness of the jaw – and intense thoughts and emotions all happening simultaneously. At the same time, there arises a strong feeling of a ‘me’ inside the body that is separate from and in opposition to whoever or whatever is ‘out there’ causing the anger, who is working extremely hard to control these emotions and contain them inside the body.

Physical pain

A strong sense of a 'self' contained within the body that is feeling the pain.

Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?

Before the inquiry, there was an undeniable sense of me being a body and everything I was (thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions, personality etc.) contained within this body. Now the awareness of a ‘me’ extends way beyond the body and feels boundless with all things – including the body – contained within it.

While the illusion of ‘self’ still appears on occasion – especially during times of conflict – it no longer feels like a tangible entity upon which negativity and criticism of abilities, beliefs and values etc. would leave significant and lasting imprints it would need to carry around (like a mammoth walking around with arrows in its side). Instead, this illusory ‘self’ feels far more hazy, without substance (invisible even) and completely detached from the abilities, beliefs and values it once believed it was. As a result, it feels like there is nothing left for incoming arrows to attach themselves to – they just fly right through without leaving a mark – and I feel more detached and less reactive to these situations than previously.

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Before I started this dialogue, I saw separation everywhere – I was separate to others, we were separate to, and moving through, a static and dense world of matter - trees, grass, rocks, water (anything that wasn’t us) – and these things were separate from each other. All intelligence came from within us as thoughts and ideas which we ‘birthed’ into existence and manifested their creations into the world through the sheer strength of our own wills. Close family and friends aside, I was otherwise alone and in constant struggle with a harsh and unaccommodating world ‘out there’ and my ability to survive was dependent on my thoughts, decisions and actions, all of which were down to me.

As I have gone through this dialogue, there has been a gradual softening and falling away of the perceived separation between ‘self’ and ‘other’, ‘us’ and ‘nature’, subject as ‘experiencer’ (in here) and objects as ‘experienced’ (out there) until the world, the wider universe and everything contained within it now appears as a single unified process that is constantly changing and expressing itself in different ways, but all dancing to the same tune of life.

I am also filled with wonder at the vast intelligence of the universe and its capacity to create so spontaneously. Discovering that ideas, decisions and feelings are not something willed into being by a ‘self’ but rather thoughts just happening automatically has given me a newly found trust in life itself to provide whatever is needed to steer the ship so I can let go of the wheel and be led wherever it takes me.

By far, the greatest gift of all is being much more present with what is happening right now. While these moments used to be fleeting at best - barely interrupting the thoughts and internal jabber of life going on inside the head - they are now becoming more commonplace to the extent it requires effort to think about something that hasn’t happened yet. Where the head was once full of past ruminations and future uncertainties all fighting for attention to be the next source of worry, anxiety and fear, there is just now and what is being seen, heard, sensed, tasted, smelled in experience.


4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

When I discovered that awareness was not something that experiences were happening ‘in’ or ‘on’ (like painting colours on a blank canvas) but that awareness and knowing were contained within experience itself, as it was happening. Without awareness, there can be no experience. At that moment, the duality of ‘experiencer’ and ‘experienced’ ceased to be, there was just experience! Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, sensation and thoughts all happening at the same time and being experienced by no one.

5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?

All of the above are thought stories based on the illusion of ‘self’ in the role of ‘decider’, ‘intender’, ‘chooser’, ‘doer’ and ‘controller’. In reality, there are just thoughts and experiences (as felt through the 5 senses) happening automatically and spontaneously without anyone or anything ‘birthing’ them into existence.

Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.

Choice and decision

- Thoughts are happening automatically
- Some different thoughts – about a decision to be made (e.g. what do I want for lunch today?) and options to choose from (e.g. Pizza, Sushi, Sandwich, Thai Curry, McDonalds etc.) – happen automatically and at random, one at a time
- The selection of one of these thoughts as the ‘decision’ (e.g. Pizza) – happens as a thought, automatically and completely random
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to label this thought as a ‘decision’ and assume ownership as its ‘decider’

Intention

- Thoughts are happening automatically
- Among the random thoughts going on, a thought about an action happens automatically (e.g. touching the toes)
- The movement of the body happens automatically to touch the toes. This happens completely independent of thoughts about touching toes happening
- Thoughts happen to establish a connection between the thoughts about the action (touching the toes) and the action itself
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to label this thought as an ‘intention’ and assume ownership as its ‘intender’

Control

- The movement of the body happens automatically to perform an action (e.g. pour a cup of tea)
- Thoughts about the action of pouring a cup of tea happen automatically
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to take ownership as ‘controller’ or ‘doer’ of the action being performed

b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.

There is nothing I can be responsible for because ‘I’ don’t exist. There is only the illusion of responsibility which results from the thought of ‘I’ attempting to take ownership of thoughts and experiences which are happening by themselves.

Making a 30 foot putt playing golf today

- Thoughts about where to aim the putt and different directions happened
- Thoughts about where to stop the putter before starting the swing
- Movement of the body to swing the putter head happened
- The putter head striking the ball happened
- The ball rolling along the ground in a direction 3 ft right of the hole happened
- The ball curving back towards the hole due to a slope on the green happened
- The ball going in the hole happened
- The thought of ‘I’ intervening to take credit as ‘decider’ of the putt’s line and speed and ‘doer’ of the putt happened

6) Anything to add?

Since setting out on this inquiry, I have become increasingly content with just being with what is and not doing anything at all! When fully immersed in all that is being seen, heard, tasted, smelled and sensed in the present moment, ‘I’ disappear and there is just a profound sense of peace. Similarly, when walking (especially through nature), it feels like I’m not walking through it but everything – trees, paths, scenery – is all passing through me. Hills I used to climb now lift me up from under my feet, wherever I was walking towards now comes to me.

And at least once a day, I contemplate how amazing it is to be anything at all.