I haven't asked you anything much about decision, intention, free will, choice and control, yet. I can give you a couple of exercises to check that with if those aren't clear to you.
Yes, please, let's do that.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, and there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Gosh, this is tough. The best way I can articulate is the idea of wearing a mask. The mask covers and separates the person underneath it but the person never went away. It's taking off the mask, realizing that there's always been a mask, this separation but the person (it's not even a "person") under the mask has always been there. Furthermore, it's the awareness that the masks may still be worn but they are not real. They are an illusion.
I know that using thought content isn't desirable but the sensations are so hard to describe. There's a sense of "oh, I don't need to wear this mask anymore" (I guess enlightenment though that word is so overused). There's relaxation, openness without emptiness. Things feel whole, connected, complete. Warm, gooey, soft and fluid. And there's the feeling of parts still being there but there's now no separateness from all of them - like they are suspended in the soup. They are all there, they are all noticed and enjoyed, and I'm the one sipping and enjoying the taste of all the soup together.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels liberating to see this. It feels solid, grounded, and in a way complete? To truly not "need" anything - the sense of yearning, desire is there, and I feel it but it's not owning me in a way it once did. And it's very much as described in previous experiences - I have the symphony now. I'm experiencing and aware of multiple senses at once and none are more dominant than the others. It's the whole ACIM - give equal weight to all the things and I struggled with that so much and now I get it.
In terms of what's different, I'm able to have more engaged dialogues (catching myself get defensive, seeing myself pull away from a conversation, there's awareness now where there wasn't before), better able to communicate my needs (I'm sick and usually just dismiss yucky body sensations and push on only to end up sicker, and I didn't last night. I tuned in and felt really sick, went to bed early, drank lots of tea and today I'm feeling better).
So life is still happening - I haven't won a million dollars, all my challenges and issues still remain, nothing has changed. Yet all of it in a way is okay. This existence for me has been better defined = there is beauty in watching everything unfold, serving as the one that notices, the one that observes; the soup drinker.
When you realize that is all that's needed, all that's ever been asked is for you to SEE it all unfold, there is real peace in that.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I think all the exercises really worked well together. The symphony one with the different senses and the last one really helped me see - orchestrating. It's been a real belief of mine that that's my job - to be the maestro, to command and control and that last bit, in concert with the other exercises, really helped me SEE that that role (mask) I've given myself isn't real. Everything happens regardless of whether I'm orchestrating or not. And that under that belief was something much more profound - that while I'm not directly involved in controlling the symphony of life, I'm able to truly take in all that there is - the moody, broody notes, the high screams of a soprano. It's all there. And while it all might not be enjoyable, it's not my job or role in life to make it stop. It's to accept that things must just be noticed.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
This is where things kinda fall apart for me.
Decision - I think there's decision in accepting a separateness, the decision to done a mask and act/accept it as real. A decision not to notice or be aware. In terms of life decisions, tough decisions, on what to do, how to proceed, it feels like you just have to make one and watch what happens which is really tough for me to accept.
Intention - I really don't know. I want to believe that intentions can help guide me but really, there's no guide unless you truly believe that the mind itself from an energy standpoint is capable of attracting certain energies. My understanding is that you set an intention, visualize it being met, and it comes to you. But perhaps it would have come to you even without an intention? I think it's accepting that intentions aren't real, but they can't hurt if you recognize their falseness?
Also, who is setting the intention? There isn't anyone here. Ha. I guess that's the issue with decisions, who's deciding? The no self experiences.
Free will - free will also implies there's a self who can choose differently. There is no choice in the way choice is to decide between.
Choice/control - It seems like the only choice is to choose to continue to focus on what's real or to succumb again to the tyranny of the masks, the false facades.
6) Anything to add
How do you strength the experience of no self? It seem rather easy to fall back into doning a mask. I guess you go back to those exercises where you focus on actual experience.
I think I'm really hung up on analyzing sensations for content - like the idea of a "gut" instinct or instincts in general. I guess those are sensations without thought content - you act in emergencies, the body generally takes over.
How to do you handle things like evaluating jobs? Finding a career path? Family life? Values? Buying a house? Is it really just something you do and see what happens?
There seems to be something mixed in this place, perhaps another mask. Like I asked someone else how at the end of this, there's no compulsion for good anymore. And their basic response was, if you wanted to do bad things you would have already done them.
So there is this overwhelming sensation of warmth now and I guess the though content is "how could this feeling ever be used for something other than good". So that's not real, the sensation is but then it's like, okay, then how does this sensation impact me on a daily basis? I just live my life in a way that keeps the sensation?
I'm trying to understand how practically this effects my life and I guess the answer is that it doesn't. There's no better decision, so you just make one and move on. I guess that's still really hard for me to accept.
Please help Stacy, I feel lost again.
