Help me become free

[adilerten]

Just ignore the thoughts about our dialogue and tell me please which one of the following list you still believe ?

1-I AM MY NAME /
2-I AM THIS IMAGE IN THE MIRROR I HAVE A BODU I AM IN THIS BODY OR MIND,
3-THERE IS A CENTER EXPERIENCING LIFE,
4-THERE IS CONTROL, I CAN CONTROL THINGS
5-I HAVE FREE WILL,
6-I CAN DECIDE - CHOOSE THINGS,
7-YESTERDAY, TOMORROW, NOW, PAST FUTURE HISTORY ETC. IS REAL
8-THERE ARE OTHERS AND I AM SEPARATE THEN THEM"
9-THERE IS A FEELING AND IT IS A PROOF OF A SEPERATE I / SELF / ME

[BeHereNow]

Hi Adil,

I don’t believe any of these. I only see constant movement and flow in everywhere and everything, no inside or outside, no separation between myself, others and the rest of the Universe. All one continual flow, contracting and expanding, coming together and falling apart.

Actions happen, decisions get made, and all is happening in the present moment.

Full and empty all at the same time.

A sadness that is also gladness. All of it. More than could be explained in words.

Much meta,
Paula

[adilerten]

Hi Adil,

I don’t believe any of these. I only see constant movement and flow in everywhere and everything, no inside or outside, no separation between myself, others and the rest of the Universe. All one continual flow, contracting and expanding, coming together and falling apart.

Actions happen, decisions get made, and all is happening in the present moment.

Full and empty all at the same time.

A sadness that is also gladness. All of it. More than could be explained in words.

Much meta,
Paula

beautiful..
i see that you are ready for the final questions..as we mentioned before, this is only a beginning not an end..

IF you have further questions before i give you the final questions please ask.

Sending much love in the form of compassion..

[BeHereNow]

Hi Adil,

I have a question about forgiveness. When I look I see a lot of anger (strong sensations and thoughts of anger and blame and hurt) against my mother.

I see now that I have to forgive her, as she was not in control of what she did and also the thoughts of anger just hurt me.

Do you have any tips for how to move from anger to forgiveness to people that have hurt us and continue to hurt us?

Much love,
Paula

[adilerten]

Hi Adil,

I have a question about forgiveness. When I look I see a lot of anger (strong sensations and thoughts of anger and blame and hurt) against my mother.

I see now that I have to forgive her, as she was not in control of what she did and also the thoughts of anger just hurt me.

Do you have any tips for how to move from anger to forgiveness to people that have hurt us and continue to hurt us?

Much love,
Paula

Can you now recall what you felt "guilty anger blame hurt" about, and
feel that guilt with your whole being?


Then, can you report what was being felt?


Did a particular thought appear?

Was it a bodily sensation, or anything else, or a combination of
different elements?

[BeHereNow]

I recall sadness / guilt / shame / anger from childhood, feeling that my mom couldn’t see me and love me as I was. Feeling that she wanted me to be better, different.

When I went to feel it with my whole being (doing it now) I feel my belly caving in and my chest and shoulders coming forward, tears flow, and the thoughts are “I am no good” “my mom doesn’t love me” “nobody loves me” “I am unloved and alone”.

So there is body sensation, very strong, my body curling into a ball and wanting to protect itself, neck and shoulders coming in. Flow of energy coming up the back. Tight hips. The more I look more energy is flowing out and through, all the way up the body, as it flows my heart opens a bit more.

The thoughts are about feeling unworthy and unloved, wanting to give up my mindfulness posts because nobody reads them anyways, feeling competitive and jealous of other mindfulness teachers and coaches, sadness, unloved. Failure. Bad mom. Not worth it. Alone.

Fear that my son will feel what I feel, that I won’t see him and support him in the way he needs, that I will fail.

So much sadness.

Maybe I just look and let it all move through? Keep looking as things flow to the surface and pass?

Thank you for all your support.

Lots of love,
Paula

[adilerten]

I recall sadness / guilt / shame / anger from childhood, feeling that my mom couldn’t see me and love me as I was. Feeling that she wanted me to be better, different.

When I went to feel it with my whole being (doing it now) I feel my belly caving in and my chest and shoulders coming forward, tears flow, and the thoughts are “I am no good” “my mom doesn’t love me” “nobody loves me” “I am unloved and alone”.

So there is body sensation, very strong, my body curling into a ball and wanting to protect itself, neck and shoulders coming in. Flow of energy coming up the back. Tight hips. The more I look more energy is flowing out and through, all the way up the body, as it flows my heart opens a bit more.

The thoughts are about feeling unworthy and unloved, wanting to give up my mindfulness posts because nobody reads them anyways, feeling competitive and jealous of other mindfulness teachers and coaches, sadness, unloved. Failure. Bad mom. Not worth it. Alone.

Fear that my son will feel what I feel, that I won’t see him and support him in the way he needs, that I will fail.

So much sadness.

Maybe I just look and let it all move through? Keep looking as things flow to the surface and pass?

Thank you for all your support.

Lots of love,
Paula

Ok Paula
I hear you.
Bringing these mind movies on surface is the first step for a deeper cleaning.
I will pm you some information about further looking.
But first let's finish our process here ok ?
:)

Sending much love

[adilerten]

Here are our final questions..

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it ufully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Take your time answer these one by one please.
Remember, these are not for giving the right answer, these are for us to see if you saw clear..

(Emotional mind movies are some other task, we will talk about it.)

Sending love.

[BeHereNow]

Hi Adil,

Here are my answers:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No there is no separate self nor was there ever. Everything is connected.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

At some point after being born, a person begins to see himself as separate from the rest of the world. He or she develops a concept of a "self", a "body" and a separate relationship to other people and things. On the surface it appears that way, and everybody tells him or her that it is so, so this continues. From that point, at least in my experience, I began to accumulate more and more ideas about myself and how I'm separate and stories about that and a sense of who I should be in the world. What I should look like, do, how to get others to like me. Everything revolved around holding up this image of myself. At some point much later in life after much suffering, I saw that no matter how much I accumulated and succeeded at creating a good version of me, I felt alone and like a fraud, like I was lying in some way.

It took teachings about mindfulness for me to begin to look within myself, rather than always outside. Very quickly I began to see that I am more than my thoughts and my body because I can watch them. If I can look and see my thoughts, and see my "body", then I must be more than this. And this part that is more is actually connected to all things, because I can see how everything that I thought was me dissolves when I look closely at it, and is constantly changing. So I'm actually at one with all beings, and the more I can live from this place and stay in the present moment rather than in thoughts about myself, the more ease I feel.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

When I started this process I already had a sense that I was not a separate being but was very trapped in my emotions. I saw emotions as things that needed to be cleared and cleansed, and more and more I see that this is not necessary. The emotions will do what they will do, and I am not in control in any case. I can only look and allow, that is all I can do.

So it is freeing in many ways to see more clearly. Also in terms of my "mindfulness" teaching and coaching, I feel less attached to making a career out of this now (I have another job and kids so trying to build this side practice was quite stressful). I see that I am doing my life's work just by being present in each moment, and I don't actually have to teach it in order to do my work in the world. I feel less pressure to do anything, including teaching mindfulness. Being fully present and seeing clearly is such a service to myself and all beings (since we are all connected anyways), because I am no longer continuing to build upon the illusion and I also help others to see through it, even if they don't notice.

With my family I notice a shift when I talk less about what they should do and instead really connect with them, look with them, stay with them as they are rather than trying to change them in some way.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

The pain of the sadness and fear and loneliness. I had a feeling there was more work to do there.

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I get up each day and make the decision to look. To allow life to flow rather than blocking it through trying to control it in some way. The choice I see is the one to let go of control and trust that I will know what to do in a particular situation.

Like with my kids this weekend, I was alone with them and was focusing on letting go of trying to control them and just be with them. They hit each other and one of them got hurt. I stayed with them and said a few things, not too much, mostly asked questions. I felt my choice was to not react, to just stay curious, stay connected with them and keep looking at the situation to see what would arise next.

6) Anything to add?

What I am seeing is that having future goals or plans is less important than continuing to show up and look each day. That trying to "become" something, even if it's a mindfulness teacher, is another thought, and I can only continue to show up each day and stay in the flow of the moment.

This requires learning to love myself as I am in this moment, or just notice the ways that it makes me sad to not be different, more stories about how I should be. The more I let go of these stories and plans for the future, the more present I am and able to be helpful day by day.

This is enough. It is an act of love for myself to stop the chase and just look in each moment. And as we know, an act of love for myself is an act of love for everything, so that is time and energy well spent.

Thank you for all your love, patience and support, Adil! I am very grateful!

Lots of love,
Paula

[adilerten]

Thank you for your answers Paula..
Always nice to read..

Okay. We need to clear everything in detail for me to ask other guides to check our process and approve that you have clearly seen. So i will now have additional questions about the answers you have given.. Maybe it will take a bit more looking but it is better this way for us to see if there is something missing..
;)

Everything is connected.

How can you know this ?

I mean, yes there is no separate entity living a life, no one behind the wheel but that's it.
What can you say more then "there is the experience and being aware of the experience" ?

I'm actually at one with all beings, and the more I can live from this place and stay in the present moment rather than in thoughts about myself, the more ease I feel.

What is there to be one with all beings ? Who is it there living from any place ? Can you locate ?
Is there a you and other beings ?
How do you know this ?

I can only look and allow, that is all I can do.

Are you sure ?
Looking is done, allowing is done, but is there really a you looking, allowing ?

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

The pain of the sadness and fear and loneliness. I had a feeling there was more work to do there.

Dear Paula :)
Here on the 4'th question what meant is "what made you see that there i no separate self, which pointer, at which point you said "aha this is not real?"
Not "what made you start this process" ;)

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I get up each day and make the decision to look. To allow life to flow rather than blocking it through trying to control it in some way. The choice I see is the one to let go of control and trust that I will know what to do in a particular situation.

Like with my kids this weekend, I was alone with them and was focusing on letting go of trying to control them and just be with them. They hit each other and one of them got hurt. I stayed with them and said a few things, not too much, mostly asked questions. I felt my choice was to not react, to just stay curious, stay connected with them and keep looking at the situation to see what would arise next.

Here on the 5'th question what meant here is "is there a decision, is there a free will, choice, control, if not how.."

I get up each day and make the decision to look. To allow life to flow rather than blocking it through trying to control it in some way. The choice I see is the one to let go of control and trust that I will know what to do in a particular situation.

A decision may be made but is there a you making a decision ? Is there really any choice for letting go of control ?
Or these happen it self without any effort ?
Is there anyone making any decision ? Anyone in control ?
Can you choose not to "let go of control" when letting go of control takes place ?

You can answer my blue marked questions here Paula,
then after we clean all these areas, again i will be sending you final questions for our colleques to see..

Thank you :)
Sending much love

[BeHereNow]

Hi Adil,

Here are my answers:

Everything is connected.
How can you know this ?

Yes I cannot know. I know that there is no self, and that there are no boundaries between me and other beings or between me and the space I used to consider to be outside of me.

I mean, yes there is no separate entity living a life, no one behind the wheel but that's it.
What can you say more then "there is the experience and being aware of the experience" ?

The more I look I see there is only the experience. If "I" am aware of the experience that is only a thought in addition to the experience. Only the experience.

I'm actually at one with all beings, and the more I can live from this place and stay in the present moment rather than in thoughts about myself, the more ease I feel.
What is there to be one with all beings ? Who is it there living from any place ? Can you locate ?

There is no I to be one with all beings. Only things flowing together. No starting place and no separation to locate.

Is there a you and other beings ?

No

How do you know this ?

When I look I don't see a solid self, only movement and sensation, always changing. This exists within me and outside of me, and there is no inside or outside because there is no barrier between me and the outside. I don't see any separation when I look at my own body, and same with other bodies I see colours and movement and textures but no clear beginning and end.

I can only look and allow, that is all I can do.
Are you sure ?

Looking is happening automatically, it is happening all the time. Often there are thoughts that block the looking, even thoughts that "I" am looking block, create a separation. When I really look there is only looking, no me. I don't do anything because there is only looking, no me.

Looking is done, allowing is done, but is there really a you looking, allowing ?

No

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

The pain of the sadness and fear and loneliness. I had a feeling there was more work to do there.
Dear Paula :)
Here on the 4'th question what meant is "what made you see that there i no separate self, which pointer, at which point you said "aha this is not real?"
Not "what made you start this process" ;)

Two main moments in the process were when we looked at emotions and saw that they were only sensations and thoughts, nothing else and nothing more for me to do with them, and also now when I am seeing that I continue to want there to be a "me" to do this process and to look and to succeed at something, but really there is no me to look, only looking. This moment is a big step for me. Only looking. When I think "I" am looking there is a thought.

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Here on the 5'th question what meant here is "is there a decision, is there a free will, choice, control, if not how.."
I get up each day and make the decision to look. To allow life to flow rather than blocking it through trying to control it in some way. The choice I see is the one to let go of control and trust that I will know what to do in a particular situation.
A decision may be made but is there a you making a decision ? Is there really any choice for letting go of control ?

I don't make a decision, the decision is made. Some moments I remember and others I forget. When remembering happens looking happens and there is less suffering. When forgetting happens there is suffering, until remembering comes again. I just participate in the process, but I am not the decision-maker.

Or these happen it self without any effort ?

I see that choices, decisions happen themselves. It is a process. Things will happen in my life that will challenge my understanding and deepen it, but I can't determine how to do it myself. It happens when the situation allows for it. I just participate.

Is there anyone making any decision ? Anyone in control ?

Life is making the decision. It is like a plant growing, it can't decide when to grow the flower, it just happens due to conditions. Same with my process and decisions, when the time is ripe certain things happen. Life / the Universe / unknown / God is making the decisions and has full control.

Can you choose not to "let go of control" when letting go of control takes place ?

I don't choose. I can see it now. There is a thought "let go of control" and there is looking, the space beneath the thought. But I can't make the thought come and I can't release the areas that won't let go of control (tightness in body). So it all happens when it happens, I can't choose.

Thank you for these clarifications, Adil!

Much metta,
Paula

[adilerten]

sorry for not replying for 2 days PAula,
Somehow reaching internet was not possible.
i'M back and i will answer you Today.
Life was lifing.

Sending much love

[adilerten]

Thanks for clearing things up Paula.
Wonderful looking as you always did..
Now with this new perspective i will ask you to answer these final questions again..
Thank you very much

sending much love :)

[adilerten]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

[BeHereNow]

Hi Adil,

I hope everything is going well with you!

Here are my answers:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is no separate entity 'self', 'me', 'I' at all, anywhere, in any shape or form. There never was.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

There is a congealing of certain sensations and thoughts that create an illusion that there is separateness. In my experience it begins with thought. As soon as a thought arises about me or how I relate to another person or part of my experience, there is a sense of separateness. If there are no labels, if I can see the thought as a "thought", then I see that there is actually no separation. Everything is flowing and connected. Thoughts of past and future also create a sense of separation. Without thought there is no separation. Or even when I can see the thoughts and notice that things are moving in their own way, there is no separation. It is the thought that creates separation.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

It feels very empowering and liberating to see that if I can be aware of thought, and see it as a construct rather than get caught up in its content, it no longer has any power over me. And also amazing to realize that there is nothing that I actually need to do because doing is happening all on its own. I just go along for the ride. The more I can allow this and notice when thought is keeping me separate, the more I can enjoy life and be helpful to others.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

The realization that the suffering that comes with emotions is also thought, that left alone they are just sensations but when we try to solve them or resist them in some way with our thinking it causes suffering. Then I could let go of the emotions as well and just see it all as part of a whole, perfect as it is.

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

All these things are thought as well. We think we make a decision but there are so many factors and conditions that lead to us choosing one thing over another, we don't actually have control over it. Free will is an illusion, when we are ready to take a step in a direction it will happen, until then we can think all we want but it won't. Everything is happening on its own time, in its own way.

Example - I tried to be vegetarian for so long. But after a while I decide I "needed" meat so would eat it, and then feel bad. Now instead I trust that I will eat what I eat one meal at a time. Interestingly in this way I happen to choose mostly vegetarian food, but I no longer make a decision about it, it just happens. And I may eat meat again at some point, and I won't have much of a choice about it. It will just happen when the conditions merit it.

I find in my experience whenever I try to make plans I am constrained and upset when they don't work out, if I can show up with openness and curiosity the right things seem to happen, or I can handle whatever happens with greater ease.

I am responsible for looking, and even this will happen when I remember, which I don't have control over.

6) Anything to add?

I am very grateful for this process! Thank you, Adil!