The Gate

Hi Yossarian,

Just checking in with you - how’s it going?

Is there any kind of “seeking” going on? i.e. looking for experience to be different from how it actually is?

Kind wishes,

John.

Still continuing to do the same exercises; trying to cement the understanding. Bit of an interruption in the efforts due to a family medical emergency.

Each time I continue not to find anything; I think there is still a subtle thought that I have not yet "seen clearly enough" to "put this to bed."

Great to have you back - I hope you have been able to handle the family emergency well.

The subtle thought may be to do with an expectation, you might be comparing your present experience with how you had imagined it might be, or how it is for other people perhaps, so let's see if we can clarify this.

We have been giving our attention to actual experience throughout this inquiry so perhaps we should give imagination the limelight for a while, let's give it permission to come out into the open and tell us what it really thinks about all of this ;)

What will it be like for you when you have seen clearly enough through the illusion of a separate self?

How will you know when you have seen clearly enough to put this to bed?

All those other people who have seen through this - how does their experience of life differ from yours?

What will it take for you to be just like them?

I am supposed to give the imagination free rein here correct? That is, answer the question from the perspective of the inflated expectations that are at work here, correct?

Holy shit. It turns out that our inflated expectations about enlightenment are every bit as vague as our terms like I or me or self!

As soon as I try to define or describe it and get to anything more specific than vague terms like bless, it unraveled very quickly. More quickly, in fact, then the idea of self. I do not know yet what to make of this fact. The fact that his wish list expectations are so fragile. I do not know, but it seems significant for some reason.

I meant “bliss.”

Yes, free rein, it can be really useful to try to put all those vague ideas into words, and as you are already finding, the very act of trying can expose their vulnerability to examination, but stick with it for a bit, see if there is anything that feels like a measurable expectation, I know that one of mine was thinking that I would never get angry ever again, and there are indeed further inquiries for working with emotions, but seeing that the separate self is an illusion did not meet that particular expectation of mine! :)

Will do!

Don't forget to remember what you have seen throughout this inquiry process, that everything is happening all by itself, there is no thinker of thoughts, there is no doer of deeds, there is no experiencer of experiences, all of the thoughts that are currently floating around in "your" mind are happening on auto-pilot, there is no "you" controlling them, see if you can see than any expectations of things being any different from how they actually are are simply more thoughts happening, not by you, and not to you. Are there any ideas hanging around that are tripping you up?

Still working on this!

After struggling with this for quite a while for some reason, I decided to just go ‘stream of consciousness’ with it to get something out there. I am very clearly stuck on something, and I’d rather communicate it badly and get to work on getting unstuck than stay hung up on how to express things.

So what follows is a series, in no particular order, of thoughts, ideas, hopes, aspirations, etc., regarding what I think/have thought would occur/I would experience were I to “directly recognize” that there is no self.

• Reduction or elimination of the nearly ever-present vague but often strong feeling of wanting things to be different than they are.
• Reduction or elimination of the nearly ever-present vague but often strong feeling that something is fundamentally “wrong” here.
• Certainty that I have, in fact, conclusively realized the absence of self.
• Some sort of shift in the mode of consciousness – the direct, non-conceptual realization that there is no self. “Direct, non-conceptual realization” turns out to be pretty vague when I look at it here now. But it’s the notion that knowing this amounts to more than simply the falling away of a belief – some sort of change in how consciousness functions.
• Some sort of direct, non-conceptual knowledge of what I am (whatever that might be), which goes along with no longer perceiving existing as a separate “I.” There is no perceptible object that can be called “I” (that’s one thing I’m quite sure of!) but I also cannot doubt my being, so I must be something other than an object, and when I conclusively see through the I illusion I will (non-objectively, since I’m not an object) know what I am. That “knowledge” will impart some degree of freedom and reduction in suffering.
• Seeing in an effective manner that you are not what you thought you are is one side of a coin, the other side of which is the direct apprehension of what you really are.
• A relatively abiding sense of increased calm and ease.
• Loss of concern over time and finiteness.

Goddamn it, that all sounds potentially like square one of the inquiry, but it’s honest. Absolutely no point in claiming to be certain about things when I’m not. I hope you don’t conclude I’m a lost cause who needs to be jettisoned.

I didn’t make any of that bulleted crap up myself – within the domain of Eastern wisdom and its modern Western expressions, we’re flat-out told in many different ways that the ego illusion is the source of suffering and seeing through it is the means to the end of suffering. I’ve been exposed very heavily to all of those ideas, and it would seem I am having considerable difficulty setting them aside, even though it is quite clear that sticking to direct experience and setting aside pre-conceived ideas is fundamental to the inquiry process. So there’s a meta-layer of frustration as well – over my inability to avoid being colored by these ideas. There’s a lot of weight behind all of it, for sure, making it hard to let go of.

I don’t know if any of what I just wrote is really what the hang up is; I can tell you I’m feeling a mild shortness of breath and a sense of abdominal tension as I write all of this about feeling stuck and feeling uncertain about the question of “I.” This all is rather painful.

There is also (right at the moment, and also popping up fairly frequently) a sense of struggle, unease, confusion, frustration, etc., around the wondering whether there’s even any meaning to the concept of meaning. I’m not sure how I get to this emotional state from the investigation of “I,” but it happens pretty frequently.

I hope to hell I’m not making you think I’m deranged. It’s kind of like that common literary image of having swallowed a red-hot ball of iron you can’t expel when I get into this stuff.

Now I feel simultaneously that I have nothing more to say AND that I have failed utterly in my attempt to answer the questions posed by the exercise. I’m exhausted.

This is a really great response, and I will reply properly later today when I get some proper time, but for now I just wanted to let you know that I hear your frustration, I love the way that you have expressed everything that's going on for you, there is some good stuff for us to work with, and in fact this kind of frustration is a good sign that we are barking up the right tree!

P.S. I don't think you are a lost cause or deranged ... no more than we all are anyway! ;)

Let's see if we can tease some of this out ...

My role as a LU guide is to help you to see past any obstacles that might be standing in your way of seeing what is actually already the case. I am supposed to avoid getting into intellectual discussions and debates about spiritual teachings. Having said that I feel that it might be fruitful to briefly do so as I think it might help with the "setting aside" process.

The LU inquiry process is about seeing that the concept of a separate self is exactly that - nothing more than a concept, and a pretty vague one at that! In addition to the self concept however there is the ongoing activity of personal identification, and it is perhaps this activity that is more responsible for "suffering" than the self concept. But the activity of identification requires a self concept in order to function - "I am a Christian" does not make a lot of sense without an "I". So when the LU inquiry exposes the illusory nature of the separate self the activity of personal identification panics and looks for something else to associate with, and this is where some of the teachings that talk about "what you really are" can become problematic, they offer a comfortable alternative, a nice place to rest perhaps, but not the end game. The LU approach is to allow all ideas about what you are to fall away, and then to see for yourself what actually remains.

My feeling is that the two sides of the coin idea is slightly flawed - it is not about seeing that "you are not what you thought you are" to seeing "what you really are" - the real discovery is that there is no "you" at all, never has been, never will be, the end. Any idea that comes along about what "you" are must therefore by definition be leading you up the garden path.

I would ask you to reconsider your statement that "I also cannot doubt my being" - perhaps try the exercise that removes all personal pronouns - being is not in doubt here, it is the one thing that cannot be doubted, but what does the "my" in "my being" refer to?

Seeing through the illusion of a separate self really is nothing more than "simply the falling away of a belief" which, on the one hand means that there is really nothing to worry about here, but on the other hand, as we all know too well, belief is a very powerful driver of human emotion and behaviour!

Good suggestion - the personal pronoun exercise. Will do.