Scared right now

[AttheGate]

After 4 years I returned to one of my favorite places on No. California Coast for a week. Never thought I’d be physically able to visit again. A very big deal. Glorious spring flowers.

So clear how the me wanted to cling to the ecstasy. The me was using various techniques to transform pain, anger, sadness into awareness. (I’ve gotten good at noticing, breathing and expanding.) I see the subtle — not so subtle— edge of being fully with everything in the moment and not fully allowing things to be as they are.

A shift? I asked myself to have a different relationship with the body. To stay fully in the body and shift “wording” from the “pain body” to the “awareness body”. Hard to describe but, there’s less trying more accepting. Present. Just another technique?

I also notice a background of silence and stillness. Just there.

Warmly, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

After 4 years I returned to one of my favorite places on No. California Coast for a week. Never thought I’d be physically able to visit again. A very big deal. Glorious spring flowers.

Lovely!

So clear how the me wanted to cling to the ecstasy. The me was using various techniques to transform pain, anger, sadness into awareness. (I’ve gotten good at noticing, breathing and expanding.) I see the subtle — not so subtle— edge of being fully with everything in the moment and not fully allowing things to be as they are.

Wonderful stuff. You've opened your eyes to this subtle and not so subtle edge, dancing between the two, mighty fine. :)

A shift?

Most certainly, and continues shifting.

I asked myself to have a different relationship with the body. To stay fully in the body and shift “wording” from the “pain body” to the “awareness body”. Hard to describe but, there’s less trying more accepting. Present. Just another technique?

Technique is fine, a way to open new doors. Go with it. As you discover new aspects, the technique drops away.

I also notice a background of silence and stillness. Just there.

Yeah, just there, always is, too mysterious for words.

With much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Yesterday I was fully in my body, fully present to the being's experiences yet not “taking it personally”. A day where a padding of silence embraced feelings, words, actions. Peaceful, obvious, clear.

And right now the me is trying to “make sure” that padding is still there. Right now the “me” is making “me” smile. There's a sense that that “padding”,”silence”,”awareness “—whatever the experience is— is always there. Old patterns are just there.
At the moment a sense of trust. More than that— a knowing.

Let’s see what the next moment brings......

Judith

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Yesterday I was fully in my body, fully present to the being's experiences yet not “taking it personally”. A day where a padding of silence embraced feelings, words, actions. Peaceful, obvious, clear.

And right now the me is trying to “make sure” that padding is still there. Right now the “me” is making “me” smile. There's a sense that that “padding”,”silence”,”awareness “—whatever the experience is— is always there. Old patterns are just there.
At the moment a sense of trust. More than that— a knowing.

Let’s see what the next moment brings......

Nice.

breathing, smiling, breathing, watching, breathing, trusting, breathing, knowing, breathing, eating

Much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Breathing helps me notice, over and over , that everything has an alive sparkle that has nothing to do with what’s going on with “me”.

It was reassuring when you said techniques fall away when not needed. This is happening pretty rapidly. I find a fresh way to to notice awareness and then the verbal “technique” disappears.

However, the breathing technique or just noticing breathing remains an an anchor to the moment. Bringing me back to Awareness which is present —— always. Never not there.

Right now it’s hard to initiate activity in the world except when there are things that have to be done.
Things, however, fall into place without much effort. I see others with a new level of clarity. And I get bored with Judith's old patterns of engaging. Very hard to be sociable.

Judith

[s-p-a-c-e]

Breathing helps me notice, over and over , that everything has an alive sparkle that has nothing to do with what’s going on with “me”.

It was reassuring when you said techniques fall away when not needed. This is happening pretty rapidly. I find a fresh way to to notice awareness and then the verbal “technique” disappears.

However, the breathing technique or just noticing breathing remains an an anchor to the moment. Bringing me back to Awareness which is present —— always. Never not there.

Yes, the breathing, every breath utterly unique, a beautiful expression of eternal now.

Right now it’s hard to initiate activity in the world except when there are things that have to be done.
Things, however, fall into place without much effort. I see others with a new level of clarity. And I get bored with Judith's old patterns of engaging. Very hard to be sociable.

Yes, wonderful. Without the rattling of judith-stories, what calls to be done is done.
Much freer of any story baggage, resentment, guilt, have-tos and must-dos.
Just doing the thing.
And also seeing that the thing also had a story, and now that story is becoming translucent.
As life becomes ever more a beautiful mystery to live.
No need to know who we are, we can rest and trust, be amazed, that we are.

With much love,
John

[AttheGate]

The crumbling continues.
The last paragraph of your post captures this moment for me in a way it didn’t the previous times I read your post. Connecting happens when it happens. Or not. Doesn’t matter.
Lots of new pain from hardware. One helluva physical journey. Despair and sadness stabbing my heart at times. Like the new pain stabs my back. Yet, at this moment, that drama doesn’t have center stage.
There is no stage. No actual center.
Just gratitude for this freedom. The Judith character chugs along. Amusing, annoying, silly, upsetting—who cares.
Love pulsing the moment. Pulsing the moment.

Smiling, j

[AttheGate]

Yes, rest and trust. Amazed that we are.

[s-p-a-c-e]

The crumbling continues.
The last paragraph of your post captures this moment for me in a way it didn’t the previous times I read your post. Connecting happens when it happens. Or not. Doesn’t matter.
Lots of new pain from hardware. One helluva physical journey. Despair and sadness stabbing my heart at times. Like the new pain stabs my back. Yet, at this moment, that drama doesn’t have center stage.
There is no stage. No actual center.
Just gratitude for this freedom. The Judith character chugs along. Amusing, annoying, silly, upsetting—who cares.
Love pulsing the moment. Pulsing the moment.

Yes, rest and trust. Amazed that we are.

Smiling, j

Smiling with you, Judith. :)
Rest and trust with you.
Amazed that we are.

With much love and a big hug,
John

[AttheGate]

Big hug back.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Happy Sunday. :)

Looking back to when you started this journey in February, how would you reflect on what has come about within you since then?

With much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Interesting. When I put in my Id, I reflected on the shift that’s happened since I chose AttheGate as my id.
Definitely no gate. The Judith character is a passing wisp— dark at times, seemingly dense at times, light at times. Real in certain ways. She gets caught up in old patterns with people she's close to. And notices the patterns. She's there and not there. Lots of seeming paradox.
Underlying peace. Underlying joy. Underlying limitless love. Emphasize “underlying”. In the forefront at times, not others.
Seeking feels more like a habit. A pattern of behavior rather than a sense there’s something to seek. Don’t have a sense of something missing. Yet, “testing” continues at times.
And sometimes I resist—physical pain etc. And I notice that.

I just typed the words “big shifts” and got scared. What if I let go of seeking? Haha. On a certain level it’s too late. Haha. There really is no seeker.

Not a big deal “wow”. Just is.

Love, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

Interesting. When I put in my Id, I reflected on the shift that’s happened since I chose AttheGate as my id.
Definitely no gate. The Judith character is a passing wisp— dark at times, seemingly dense at times, light at times. Real in certain ways. She gets caught up in old patterns with people she's close to. And notices the patterns. She's there and not there. Lots of seeming paradox.
Underlying peace. Underlying joy. Underlying limitless love. Emphasize “underlying”. In the forefront at times, not others.
Seeking feels more like a habit. A pattern of behavior rather than a sense there’s something to seek. Don’t have a sense of something missing. Yet, “testing” continues at times.
And sometimes I resist—physical pain etc. And I notice that.

I just typed the words “big shifts” and got scared. What if I let go of seeking? Haha. On a certain level it’s too late. Haha. There really is no seeker.

Not a big deal “wow”. Just is.

Just is is wow enough for me. :D

Judith, just write whatever comes up to the following:

- Was ‘me’/‘myself’ ever a living being that moves, speaks or thinks?

- Explain in detail what the illusion of ‘me’/‘myself’ is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

Much love,
John

[AttheGate]

There never was a me. For some reason I tear up when I write this.

Just wrote an email to a friend who may be dealing with a recurrence of cancer. My personality causes me to be very cautious with with what I say. (Not just with her, but everyone). I can’t just let things flow.

Ok, right now I see that as conditioned personality not a separate self.

Going to a family gathering later. Thinking of things I want to say to a particular person. Some ego involved.

No that’s not the illusion of a separate self. Im aware that’s the character Judih is acting her part.

Everything I start to write comes from the idea that if I didn’t still live with a separate sense of self Id be less invested in how I appear etc. etc.

So the illusion of a separate self ,at this moment, is created by a ton of ideas that if I weren’t t still trapped in a separate I’d be at ease, spontaneous, comfortable, fluid ALL THE TIME. I’d be with what is in each moment with complete equanimity. Haha as long as what is is very different than the Judith character 😂😂😂😂

. Right at this moment it’s hard to create the illusion of a separate self because I’m seeing that it’s smoke and mirrors. Ideas about the character, Judith, being other than she is.

Interesting how much stabbing pain is happening in this moment. It exists. It’s kind of happening and not happening to
the Judith body.
Actually, at this very moment the pain just is. No Judith. Just intense sensation. There's still a Judith character that wants to get rid of the pain.

The more I explore this, the less I can create the illusion of a separate self. The Judith character is teeny ( very teeny) and, at this moment, irrelevant.

Great question. Thank you, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

There never was a me. For some reason I tear up when I write this.

Just wrote an email to a friend who may be dealing with a recurrence of cancer. My personality causes me to be very cautious with with what I say. (Not just with her, but everyone). I can’t just let things flow.

Ok, right now I see that as conditioned personality not a separate self.

Quite.

Going to a family gathering later. Thinking of things I want to say to a particular person. Some ego involved.

No that’s not the illusion of a separate self. Im aware that’s the character Judih is acting her part.

Everything I start to write comes from the idea that if I didn’t still live with a separate sense of self Id be less invested in how I appear etc. etc.

So the illusion of a separate self ,at this moment, is created by a ton of ideas that if I weren’t t still trapped in a separate I’d be at ease, spontaneous, comfortable, fluid ALL THE TIME. I’d be with what is in each moment with complete equanimity. Haha as long as what is is very different than the Judith character 😂😂😂😂

Right at this moment it’s hard to create the illusion of a separate self because I’m seeing that it’s smoke and mirrors. Ideas about the character, Judith, being other than she is.

Interesting how much stabbing pain is happening in this moment. It exists. It’s kind of happening and not happening to
the Judith body.
Actually, at this very moment the pain just is. No Judith. Just intense sensation. There's still a Judith character that wants to get rid of the pain.

The more I explore this, the less I can create the illusion of a separate self. The Judith character is teeny ( very teeny) and, at this moment, irrelevant.

Thank you.

A few more of our regular questions, again just write whatever shows up in response.

- How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
('see this' meaning seeing that 'Judith' was always made-up, that conditioned personality).

- What was key in seeing this?

With much love,
John