The Gate

Hi Kay,

I’m so glad you are alright. I was worried about you! Thank you for those videos and your thoughts. They were very helpful. Okay in answer to your questions:

What is the memory ‘made of’?

Memory is made of thoughts.

WHEN does the memory appear?

Memory thoughts just appear.

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?

There is no difference between regular thoughts and memory thoughts, thought just thinks there is a difference.

How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

There is not absolute knowledge that a memory happened.

Then, look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?

The future thought is made of thoughts.

WHEN does the future thought appear?

Future thoughts just appear, just like any thoughts.

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?

There is no difference between general thoughts and future thoughts.

How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

It is not known that a future thought will happen. No thoughts knows about what will happen, a thought might think it knows.

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?

The difference between thoughts of the past and future is that thoughts of the past think that they know what happened and future thoughts are less sure of themselves in their thinking. They are both only thoughts thinking.

If there is difference, how that difference is known exactly?

There is no difference found between past and future thoughts.

Thank you Kay! Have a wonderful day/evening.

Love,
Merri

Hey Merri,

I’m so glad you are alright. I was worried about you!

Thank you for caring, Merri <3

WHEN does the memory appear?

Memory thoughts just appear.

Yes, but the word ‘when’ points to a time. So when do memory thoughts appear?

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?

There is no difference between regular thoughts and memory thoughts, thought just thinks there is a difference.

Thought can’t think. There is simply another thought that points to the idea that there is a difference between thoughts.

WHEN does the future thought appear?

Future thoughts just appear, just like any thoughts.

Again, the word ‘when’ points to time, so when do future thoughts actually appear?

How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

It is not known that a future thought will happen. No thoughts knows about what will happen, a thought might think it knows.

Thoughts can’t think, it is like saying that thought fell out of bed so it got up and had a look! It is only an appearing thought that seems to be suggesting that something will happen in an illusory future.

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?.

The difference between thoughts of the past and future is that thoughts of the past think that they know what happened and future thoughts are less sure of themselves in their thinking. They are both only thoughts thinking.

Have you ever looked at thought? Really looked at it? Does thought have a voice? Does thought have sound? Does thought have an image? Does thought have a sensation? Does thought have a taste? Does thought have a smell? Can you describe a thought?


You’ve done some great LOOKING throughout this exploration...thank-you for being so diligent in looking and answering questions to date. I just want to be thorough and make sure that nothing important has been missed. Here are some questions to help determine if there are any areas that may still need further exploring. Just simple and quick answers will do, you don't need to take time over them. Please answer what's true for you right now, rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer.

Has it been clearly seen that there is no separate individual (“I/me”), and never has been?
Has it been clearly seen that there has never been a separate individual that could control or own life or anything?
Is there any chooser or decider of any kind?
Is there a separate individual/entity of any kind whatsoever that could be responsible for anything at all?
Is there a thinker of thought?
Has there ever been a separate self doing anything?
Is there a self in the body somewhere? Does it have a certain location, or feelings associated with it, or any other attributes?
Is there a self that is inside the body, perceiving a world that is outside?
Do you notice a difference now, to when you first started this exploration, and if so what are those differences?
Is there any confusion at all or anything you would like to address?

Love, Kay

Hi Kay,

Thank you so much. Here are my answers:

Yes, but the word ‘when’ points to a time. So when do memory thoughts appear?

Memory thoughts appear in the present. There is nothing that happens that is not now.

Again, the word ‘when’ points to time, so when do future thoughts actually appear?

Future thoughts are just like memory thoughts and happen in the now.

Have you ever looked at thought? Really looked at it? Does thought have a voice? Does thought have sound? Does thought have an image? Does thought have a sensation? Does thought have a taste? Does thought have a smell? Can you describe a thought?

Okay I am looking. Thought does not have a voice or sound or image or sensation or taste or smell but may “feel” like it does, which is just more thinking. It is difficult to describe a thought for me…feelings, ideas, memories, worries…all ideas that are not actual experience, idea that appear without a source.

I just want to be thorough and make sure that nothing important has been missed. Here are some questions to help determine if there are any areas that may still need further exploring. Just simple and quick answers will do, you don't need to take time over them. Please answer what's true for you right now, rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer.
Has it been clearly seen that there is no separate individual (“I/me”), and never has been?

Yes, it is clear that an I/me is an idea and always has been.

Has it been clearly seen that there has never been a separate individual that could control or own life or anything?

Yes, there is no controller.

Is there any chooser or decider of any kind?

No, there is no chooser.

Is there a separate individual/entity of any kind whatsoever that could be responsible for anything at all?

No, there is no separate individual responsible for anything.

Is there a thinker of thought?

No, there is no thinker.

Has there ever been a separate self doing anything?

No, a separate self does not exist.

Is there a self in the body somewhere? Does it have a certain location, or feelings associated with it, or any other attributes?

No, there is no self in the body or anywhere with any kind of attributes.

Is there a self that is inside the body, perceiving a world that is outside?

No, there is no self inside the body.

Do you notice a difference now, to when you first started this exploration, and if so what are those differences?

Yes, there has been a subtle difference. Witnessing and acceptance of life have been stronger than reactivity. Reactivity and habitual thoughts still happen often, but with less judgment and more awareness. There is more curiosity and questioning of “reality”. The feeling of time and memory not existing and there only being a now has also given rise to a bit of a panic feeling. There may be a process with this information that I have not experienced yet.

Is there any confusion at all or anything you would like to address?

There is confusion, but as you said that will come up. I feel more relaxed about the process of examining actual experience and there not being a “me”. I feel like it is understood and that there will be processes arising from this experience that I cannot guess at.

Thank you so very much Kay! You have been amazing and laser sharp! I am very grateful for time, your energy, and your thoroughness and attention to detail. I am still going through a difficult personal time right now so I do not feel as energetic as I would wish to be with you, but I want you to know that this means a lot to me.

Love,
Merri

Hello Merri,

Yes, but the word ‘when’ points to a time. So when do memory thoughts appear?
Memory thoughts appear in the present. There is nothing that happens that is not now.

Again, the word ‘when’ points to time, so when do future thoughts actually appear?
Future thoughts are just like memory thoughts and happen in the now.

Terrific! Thank you for clarifying that for me.

Have you ever looked at thought? Really looked at it? Does thought have a voice? Does thought have sound? Does thought have an image? Does thought have a sensation? Does thought have a taste? Does thought have a smell? Can you describe a thought?

Okay I am looking. Thought does not have a voice or sound or image or sensation or taste or smell but may “feel” like it does, which is just more thinking. It is difficult to describe a thought for me…feelings, ideas, memories, worries…all ideas that are not actual experience, idea that appear without a source.

So are thoughts seen, heard, felt, smelled or tasted? In other words are thought experienced or are they simply known?
Same goes with colour, sound, smell, taste and sensation. Are they experienced or simply known?

Try and describe the colour red to someone who is blind, or the sound ‘dog barking’ to someone who cannot hear. Try and describe the taste ‘banana’ or the sensation ‘soft’. Can experience be described or is it simply known?

Do you notice a difference now, to when you first started this exploration, and if so what are those differences?

Yes, there has been a subtle difference. Witnessing and acceptance of life have been stronger than reactivity. Reactivity and habitual thoughts still happen often, but with less judgment and more awareness. There is more curiosity and questioning of “reality”. The feeling of time and memory not existing and there only being a now has also given rise to a bit of a panic feeling. There may be a process with this information that I have not experienced yet.

Just to make sure that you haven’t seen through one identity, only to assume another, here are some questions with regards this ‘witnessing’.

What is witnessing? Is there anything witnessing? Is there anything doing the witnessing?

How is it known that there is a witness, apart from just the obvious process of witnessing or observation? How is there a witness as an entity? Where is it? Does it actually exist?

Is there such a thing as awareness in which things appear? Is awareness ever actually experienced, or is it just an idea, an abstraction? Does it actually exist?


Panic is brought about the idea of anxiety. So let's have a look at anxiety/panic.

Let’s break ‘anxiety’ down into AE.

The label ‘anxiety’ is the AE of thought and not the AE of anxiety
The sensation labelled ‘anxiety’ is the AE of sensation and not the AE of anxiety
The colour labelled ‘me/I/body’ is the AE of colour and not the AE of anxiety
The thoughts ABOUT anxiety and the story that SEEMS to create anxiety are AE of thought and not AE of anxiety.

So, is there actual experience of ‘anxiety’ or what is actually appearing (AE) is label + sensation + colour + thoughts ABOUT anxiety?

When ‘anxiety’ appears, do the following:

1) Look at the label/thought ‘anxiety’ itself. See the label/word ‘anxiety’ as a typewritten word in the ‘mind’s eye’ across the forehead

Does the label ‘anxiety’ know anything about ‘anxiety’, or is the word just a bunch of letters?
Is the label ‘anxiety’ itself anxious?
Can you find anyone/anything in the word itself that is anxious?

2) Then look at the sensation and ignore everything else but the sensation itself.
Inquire into the sensation and ask if the sensation itself knows anything about ‘anxiety’.
And then look to see if there is anyone/anything in the sensation or behind the sensation that can be ‘anxious’.

3) Look at the image/colour labelled body, whether that image be ‘mental’ or ‘visual’.
Inquire into the colour and ask if the colour itself knows anything about ‘anxiety’.
And then look to see if there is anyone/anything in the colour that knows anything about ‘anxiety’ or that can be ‘anxious’.

When you have inquired into these and if no one/no thing is found, then just sit with the sensation. Just breathe normally, notice the thoughts and images that appear and ask if they are ‘anxiety’ itself or know anything about anxiety, and let them pass on by and just allow the sensation all the room it needs in the body without pushing it aside or judging it. If it becomes too intense just take a couple of deep breaths into the sensation itself, and then notice the floor under your feet, notice your backside on the chair and then notice what is in the room you are sitting in and name them out loud, while being aware of the sensation and remember to breathe normally. If the sensation does not dissipate completely, that is okay, just notice it, without doing anything with it and just go about your day.

Let me know how you go.

Is there any confusion at all or anything you would like to address?

There is confusion, but as you said that will come up. I feel more relaxed about the process of examining actual experience and there not being a “me”. I feel like it is understood and that there will be processes arising from this experience that I cannot guess at.

Good that it has been understood, however, has it been clearly seen ie realised that there is no separate self that is the doer, sayer, thinker, controller or feeler?

Is the confusion due to not seeing something clearly? What is the confusion?

Thank you so very much Kay! You have been amazing and laser sharp! I am very grateful for time, your energy, and your thoroughness and attention to detail. I am still going through a difficult personal time right now so I do not feel as energetic as I would wish to be with you, but I want you to know that this means a lot to me.

Thank you, Merri. Even though you feel you could have given more to the LOOKING, you have still been doing it, and that is all it takes.

Love, Kay

Hi Kay,

Sorry I did not have time today. I will respond tomorrow. Have a good evening.

Love,

Merri

Hi Kay,

Another day that was too full for writing and contemplation. I am planning on responding tomorrow, Saturday. Hope you are doing well!

Love,
Merri

Hey Merri...all goes well Downunder! :) I look forward to your responses.

Love, Kay

Hi Kay,
Sorry life has been very busy lately. I am going out of town tomorrow for a week too. I will try to write but will let you know if it does not seem feasible.

So are thoughts seen, heard, felt, smelled or tasted? In other words are thought experienced or are they simply known?

Thoughts are simply known. That is a great way to describe it.

Same goes with colour, sound, smell, taste and sensation. Are they experienced or simply known?

Just simply known.

Try and describe the colour red to someone who is blind, or the sound ‘dog barking’ to someone who cannot hear. Try and describe the taste ‘banana’ or the sensation ‘soft’. Can experience be described or is it simply known?
It cannot be described, it is simply known.
What is witnessing? Is there anything witnessing? Is there anything doing the witnessing?

Witnessing just is. It is just being. There is no one or thing witnessing.

How is it known that there is a witness, apart from just the obvious process of witnessing or observation? How is there a witness as an entity? Where is it? Does it actually exist?

There is not a “witness”, witnessing happens as observation. There is no entity or existence of someone witnessing.

Is there such a thing as awareness in which things appear? Is awareness ever actually experienced, or is it just an idea, an abstraction? Does it actually exist?

Awareness is an idea as well, just like witnessing. It does not exist.

Let me know how you go.

Thank you for the break down of anxiety. Yes, just sitting with it and allowing the sensation and thoughts is helpful.

Good that it has been understood, however, has it been clearly seen ie realised that there is no separate self that is the doer, sayer, thinker, controller or feeler?

Yes it is clearly seen that there is no entity that is the doer, sayer, thinker, controller, or feeler. There is no “me” and never has been.

Is the confusion due to not seeing something clearly? What is the confusion?

I don't think I was confused because of lack of clarity. I think the confusion arose from feelings and thoughts from habit, not as something real. I’m actually not feeling confused about it all right now. I think I am starting to rest in the knowledge of what I have learned more.

Thank you Kay!! Have a beautiful day/evening!

Love,
Merri

Hi Merri.....enjoy your week away. I will respond to your post tomorrow sometime.

Love, Kay

Hey Merri,

Well I think we have covered everything. Unless there are questions you have or you are not clear about something, I am going to give you the first 3 questions of the final questions. Can you please give as much detail as possible.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

Love, Kay

Hi Kay,
For some reason my computer will not connect with the internet here. I will attempt to answer your questions from my phone. :)

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

No, there has never been a separate self in any way, shape or form, ever.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion of a separate self is an idea. It starts with the idea of a separate self and is reinforced through cultural experiences, upbringing and habit. The illusion of a separate self is a complex fabric of thoughts that seem to cover and infect everything that is seen and experienced.

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

I feel a sense of confirmation and calm of what I have felt to be true. The difference from when I started is that there was a belief that I would be very different after I found the truth but I now see a release of expectation and I view this as much more of a process and a beginning of seeing than an attainment. I feel more like an observer experiencing, realizing that there is no me in control. I have observed less reactivity and a more neutral view of the world as I realize there is no separation and there is no control. There has been more curiousity and less sense of knowing- about anything and everything! I feel gratitude for Kay for helping this process that has an almost magical feeling to it. I am excited to see what happens next!

With love,
Merri

Hi Kay,
I wanted to respond to you right away so I don’t know if that was enough detail but I can elaborate more. Using my phone I was concerned that I would lose what I was writing. I can write a little more later today or tomorrow. I am also with family so I am trying to find time to write. So I will try to elaborate more later.

Love,
Merri

Hi Merri,

Thank you for your answers to the first 3 questions. If you would like to elaborate more, you can. Here are the final 3.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
b) What makes things happen? How does it work?
c) What are you responsible for?
d) Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?


Love, Kay

Hi Kay,

Okay I thought I would elaborate.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

There is no me or self in any shape or form. There may be residual or continual feelings of being separate but habitual thought does not signify reality or actual experience. Life is happening but there is no doer.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion of a separate self are beliefs (thoughts) of there being a person that controls their life, their thoughts, what happens to them and that there is a separate being that they inhabit. It seems to start as a child but it is impossible to demarcate a beginning to a separate self because it never existed, just the idea of it was created. From my own experience, thinking that I was a separate self created a whole idea of loneliness, separation from nature, competition, and striving to be somebody. This is a striving that is like trying to win a game where there never was a game and there never was an opponent.

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

I do feel a calm but I also feel a sense that I am still processing what this means. I have felt really down lately. This may be partially from this new awareness but it may also be from physical, emotional and mental stresses that are happening currently. I am glad to not be wondering about what this all means. There was an urgency before that I don’t feel now. Also I sense a feeling of confidence and humility that is stronger. There is so much that is unknowable and there is more mystery to life. I feel pretty tired, but I’m not sure if that is physical or having to do with the layers of beliefs letting go in this process. Life feels more real and consistent, if that makes sense.

Thanks Kay!

Love,
Merri

Thanks Merri, don't forget to answer questions 4, 5 & 6 which I posted to you earlier.

Love, Kay