1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there isn't. It's a mirage. There never was an 'I'.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
'I' is an idea; a product of the imagination; thought-content that claims personal, separate independent existence for the experience of living. When it starts is a little more difficult to answer. Belief in the illusion is passed on by society, by our parents and those around us when we are very young. It's reinforced by language - 'you', 'me', 'yours', 'mine'. It's also seemingly supported by our experience – we see other people, other embodiments of life, who have different experiences, think different things, have different opinions, and then assume they are 'other'. Uniqueness is taken for actual separateness.
How does it work in my own experience? It's just a load of unquestioned assumptions. Thoughts arise claiming ownership of experience and simply aren't questioned. So, someone says something insulting to me. Sensation arises in the belly, a contraction (I know this bit is an abstraction, but presumably that sensation comes from the deeply held belief that 'I' have been insulted, or am in danger, perhaps). Then the thought arises “He just insulted me”, followed by a chain of thoughts creating a story.
I've talked a lot about the doubt that has arisen, and it still does arise. You said in one of your last posts that doubt is a thought + feeling, but is it believed? I honestly don;t know if I believe it. When I look at it, it's seen through. I mean, when I ask, well ok, do I believe there is a self? Looking, no, there is nothing to find, and it just makes sense. But... :-) I suppose I expected a more continuous feeling of expansiveness, in spite of the fact that selfing continue for another few fetters. But I'm straying into the next question...
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Nothing like what I expected to :-) That's if it's been seen at all... There's been a relaxing. Once seeing started to happen, it seemed a lot simpler, and there was a letting go. I'm really enjoying sitting in meditation, and want to do it quite a bit. I've been fairly quiet around friends, not particularly interested in chatting. I've been told I seem a bit distracted. There has been more of a sense of connection with other people; looking at them, and appreciating the flow of life that they are, wondering at what is actually going on... I love really looking at people when I'm talking to them, really listening, and thinking “what is this?!” .And less reactivity. Reactions still happen – I've been annoyed, impatient, etc, but I don't invest as much now – the story is seen ( a lot of the time) and the emotion just fades.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I'm not sure that there was one moment. I think it happened over a few days, and maybe is still happening. One moment that stands out was during a sit; I was holding in mind some of the questions you gave me, Aragon; connecting to felt sensation, the listening, the breath. And then I just let go – there was a letting go - and there was just experience – sound, sensation, touch, the breath, thoughts – all one flow and nothing underneath, no breather, listener, toucher, thinker. There was joy. I think I expected more of that “intense” experience of no-self to persist, to be felt almost continuously. But it's not like that. It's an understanding, that when remembered brings a certain peace or relaxing into life, letting it flow.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Please give examples from recent experience.
There is no free will, only the illusion of it. I can say, well, I choose to pick up this cup. But that's just a thought. I didn't choose that thought. And the related action – picking up the cup – may or may not happen. When it happens, it just does. But the origin of the action can't be found, only a thought saying “my hand”, “my cup” “I picked it up”, etc.
In immediate experience in the moment, I have absolutely no idea what makes things happen. They just do. I can extrapolate, and talk about conditioned co-production which, while a compelling idea, is just an idea. It may well be true, but in experience moment to moment, I can't see the mechanism of it. Only a thought which arises analysing a series of choices made and concluding that there is a pattern there. That may be accurate, but in the moment, thoughts just arise from nowhere, actions just happen.
There can be no responsibility. For society to function, I suppose it's necessary to ascribe responsibilty to people for their actions, but how can they be responsible. It isn't that they don't have free will; it's that there is no one there to have free will. There is simply response. Arising response. Again, presumably dependent on conditioning. Like water flowing in different directions around rocks and branches in the stream – natural, blameless and beautiful.
6) Anything to add?
I don't think so, not right now anyway. Except to say thank you Aragon for your patience in this conversation, and for sticking with it.
Have I gone through the gate? Well, there's no one to do so, and it doesn't really seem to matter somehow. What is, is. I've no idea :-)