The Gate

Will respond soon. Having trouble accessing the site on my computer tonight.

Okay thanks for letting me know. I will be travelling tomorrow myself so won't be to respond either. I will be on limited internet for the next two and a half weeks but will try to post as much as possible anyway.

I feel the center of my body, especially inside my head. This to me feels like me.

Okay. So find this 'you' that is in the center of the head. Feels like does not mean it is actually there.

There is some pain inside me which also feels like part of me. It doesn't look to me like made up.

The feeling is not made up. It is there. The story about the feeling is made up. How do we know this? Check in your own experience if it can be seen, heard, felt, touched, tasted. If not, it's imagination.

How can there be all these experiences without a me experiencing it?

Because life doesn't need a 'you' to function.

Every time you say a "me" you assume there is actually something tangible here in your experience that is a you. It doesn't matter if it is a witnessing. The thought "feels like me" comes after. It's just a story.

The story in the head. ALL OF IT. Is a story about what's not happening.

Check again in your experience and find this "self". I am NOT asking for your story about what feels like you. A lot of things in life feel a certain way and it ends up being illusion. Really look. Look in EXPERIENCE. Not in your mind. Is it there or not.

Sorry for responding slowly.

I'm looking at my experiences. I can in moments see that the thoughts in my head are not real. When i really look at them i can see that. When there's a feeling, like the aliveness in the body or pain it's hard for me to see that they are illusionary. I'm at loss for questions even to ask from you to clarify. I feel like i'm in an odd in between point where i'm definitely not as solid anymore than i thought myself to be but i'm stuck on feeling. But i can't stop looking either.

Take a look at the feeling. Is the feeling telling you it's a self? Or is it more like just raw sensations. Raw feeling.

When I look a painful feeling i can see it's just that. When i go about my day i connect the ots and it feels like me. The feeling of having a body and the awareness feels like me most of the time like now. Sometimes when i'm just about to fall asleep or in deep meditation there's much less i in it.

I will unfortunately have limited internet until 5th july but i will reply as much as possible.

I will unfortunately have limited internet until 5th july but i will reply as much as possible.

That's okay. Thanks for letting me know. I'll be around whenever you respond.

When I look a painful feeling i can see it's just that.

Yes. This is because when attention is directed right at it, it's seen it is only a feeling, a sensation. When attention is not right on it there is more story. The story is what makes it feel like a 'me'. But again, the story does not make it real. It can feel real, but it still doesn't mean it's real.

Checking in.

I'm experincing quite a bit of pain and i'm getting distracted by it. I'm jumping to any distraction to numb it at the moment. Sitting in silence seems unbearable. Can't see anything but this pain now.

What kind of pain is it? Physical or emotional?

It's an emotional pain. I've been keeping myself in isolation for a while and the pain was there but it had a different story attached to it. The story has been that the pain is there because I don't know how to let go of it. Now I've been been in visiting my old life for a couple of weeks and the story has once again been that I am not good enough to be with other people. Anyway there is some pain and the story about it changes by situation. I keep on wishing the pain to go away.

I am not good enough to be with other people

Ask, is it true? Can you absolutely know that it's true that you're not good enough to be with other people?

I can't know for sure if it's true due the fact that the story changes a lot depending what situation I'm in. The pain gets different names.

Yesterday I looked really deep into what I call awareness and the I dissappeared from it. I'm now going back and forth between identifying as the awareness and then not. But there's a little more peace.

I can't know for sure if it's true due the fact that the story changes a lot depending what situation I'm in. The pain gets different names.

I know the pain can be intense and it can change, but just know that it can never truly hurt you. Just feel it. Writing down the thoughts that run during those moments helps a ton. Just to see it in front of you.

_____

Glad to hear there is a little more peace.

Notice even here though, where exactly is awareness? It is a label, no?

I'm just pointing this out to push you out again out of the conceptual.

What I mean i saw that which i ordinarily call awareness as just a perception and not me. That was a short glimbse tho because now i'm back with the 'i'. But even so it's like i've dropped another layer of 'me'.

I get so easily distracted with the pain. My mind will jump into any opportunity to try and solve it, of course it never will.