1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I know intellectually that there isn't, wasn't a separate self. It does continue to FEEL like there is one. But I can see how its really a collection of thoughts that wind up masquerading as a self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It starts as an involvement in whatever is being experienced, an involvement that points to an experiencer that has a stake in whatever is happening ... good or bad. If I get praise at work, it feels as if there IS an "I" receiving that praise. Something inside is invested in me doing well, looking good, etc. and wants things to work out. Same thing for when something bad happens. There is always this thought, or concern for "me." Even as I learn that it is JUST a THOUGHT, it is still there persistently striving for gain, recognition, pleasure, etc.
As I have said previously, the existence of suffering points to the "I" who suffers. I know that the suffering is really just a story, a thought of how whatever is happening shouldn't be, how it is WRONG, I can see that thought pattern. But I cannot sever my connection to it. It makes me feel like its ME, even though I know its only a thought.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I feels pretty much the same, only that now I am better at seeing what is happening. There is the possibility that I may not be caught up in that thought process and that I may just disappear, so it is worth continuing to be as conscious as possible.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I have been trying to see this for a long time, have been "looking" for a long time ... can't really remember what the last bit was. Recently I had an experience in a relationship, a concern that arose. I used this experience as a means to see how thought patterns are automatic, how there are just the thoughts, and that once those thoughts dissipate its las if I dissipate with them ... but this doesn't persist. The next concern that comes along triggers the pattern all over again.
5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience
Wow .... I could write a book on that. Free will is, without a doubt, an illusion. We have personal will, yes, but we have nothing to do with choosing it. Our will, our preferences, thoughts, etc. all arise from the same place, which is to say, they come from nowhere. No one can "choose" something they do not choose ... example, if you have no desire to buy a green and yellow scarf, there isn't a mechanism of thought that can switch on that desire. Desires just come to us. Will, etc. FEELS free, but it is not free, its not really ours.
There is just desire, just there in the space.... most of the time that space seems sandwiched to me, seems like there is no space, so therefore whatever is filling it, like a desire, feels like its mine .. or is part of me. But I can see now that when more conscious, I can see the desire in the space... its not actually mine, even though it feels like mine.
Intention is another one, people refer to having intention. And its true that we do not do what we want, or what we say, we do what we intend. But where does that intention come from? I would say that it comes from nowhere, or wherever desire, choice, will, etc. come from, and that it is NOT ours. There is just intention, that is it.
6) Anything to add?
I could ramble on, but the main thing for me to state is that I do see how the self is an idea and not real, But it still FEELS real, if that makes sense.
