Looking for some direction

[Brant]

There is no “way” into liberation, and, worse, no one who could ‘strike’ and ‘get it’. Do you still believe that this process is a way to improve Brant’s life?

This belief keeps kicking in... thoughts like "I'll never get this" etc always coming up. I find them, acknowledge the problem and keep watching. Lately over the past week as you may have noticed it's been really hard to get any clarity at all... it's like I'm digging a hole in the snow but more comes down at the same pace. I will keep going, but I may only post every 2 days for a while if that's ok. It will remove the pressure a little bit until I get back into the groove again.

One thing I'm finding difficult to verify for sure is who or what is the doer or controller. Is action before thought. It seems quite obvious that action happens without thought, but I struggle for some reason to believe it totally.

As thoughts come up, can you think them? Are you the ‘thinker’, can you think and choose the next thought? Tell me what you see in your present experience.

I'll look at this again. I mean, I've seen that thought just happens on it's own before in Direct Experience.... but perhaps I haven't seen it long enough or clear enough. I don't know.

[Freddi]

Hi Brant,

One thing I'm finding difficult to verify for sure is who or what is the doer or controller. Is action before thought. It seems quite obvious that action happens without thought, but I struggle for some reason to believe it totally.

One good exercise to do is this. Each day at the end of the day, I want you to think about some event in the day that you felt you had decision over, something you feel you 'chose' to do or not do. Write it down. Then look at whether there were any factors, like habits, conditioning (for example this body naturally prefers coffee, the weather was cold, I was always told to do it like this, I received a text message, etc.), find out whether you REALLY had any decision to make or it was all mapped out by surrounding events, triggers, etc. Do it over several days to confirm your findings, and let me know what comes up.

You may also be interested in the following video. The bit about choice is at the end, from about 49 minutes in. But the whole thing is worth a watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Biv_8xjj8E

Yes it’s ok to post every two days.

Warm wishes,

Fred

[Freddi]

Hi Brant
How is it going? Are you still with this?

A little while back you said:

It seems quite obvious that action happens without thought, but I struggle for some reason to believe it totally.

Once seen, it does not need to be believed. It is what we don't see that we need to believe in, like Santa or a unicorn, or a 'self'.
That is why looking into your present experience clears the doubt. Do you know the difference between direct experience and the thought about direct experience?

A bit ago, I gave you this exercise, which helps to see this difference:

Pick a fruit, and place it in front of you. Close your eyes and imagine that you take the fruit in your hands, feel it. Texture, weight, shape, colour. Imagine that you are smelling it. Take a bite. Feel the sensation of taste. 
Then open your eyes and take a look, did anything happen to the fruit in front of you? Is there a sign of bite on it? 
Do you need to look in order to know that the bite is not there?
Now take the fruit in the hands and experience the shape, colour, texture, notice details. smell it and bite it. Feel the taste, texture. 
What is the difference between the same fruit imagined and experienced?

At the time all you said was ‘as expected it's not quite the same’ and when I pressed you for more you went away for a few days.

I recommend you to go back and really do this exercise, take your time, make notes, observe. Which of the two fruits needs to be believed in? Let me know what comes up.

Then ask yourself where “I”, “Brant” is in your present experience. Can you give me any evidence of it?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Brant]

I'm still here - I'm not going anywhere. Just need to step away for a bit because I was spinning my wheels. I should mention I really appreciate your guidance too... only way I can repay you is the wake the hell up.

I've been looking everyday but only in bits and pieces and rather shallow. But sometimes when I'm not trying - just having a low level curiosity things change a little bit... but no 'click' (yes this is an expectation).

I need to keep starting at square 1 I feel.

I recommend you to go back and really do this exercise, take your time, make notes, observe. Which of the two fruits needs to be believed in? Let me know what comes up.

I'll do this with a chip.

My eyes are closed... the picture of a chip is somewhat real somewhat artificial. Black background... the chip has a 3D sense. My mouth reacts to anticipate the flavour. I notice therefore my body reacts physically to an imagined object. I know that even though I am imagining picking up this chip it still likely hasn't moved from the original spot i put it.

I pick up the chip (for real) and inspect it... it has an incredible amount of detail compared to the imaginary version. It smells really nice - I couldn't really imagine the smell. As I chew it there is also a mental construct of the image of the chip being chewed almost playing in parallel to the actual chewing.

Then ask yourself where “I”, “Brant” is in your present experience. Can you give me any evidence of it?

This mental construct of the chip being chewed as I ate it is also present as a Brant. An image of Brant chewing or a mouth - but really abstract yet believable. As though it is real... or never really questioned as to not be real.

[Freddi]

Hi Brant
Glad you’re back. No problem, we can restart from square 1.

Thanks for doing that exercise and your detailed report. Reality is in this deep look into your present experience. It won’t be found in thoughts.

An image of Brant chewing or a mouth - but really abstract yet believable. As though it is real... or never really questioned as to not be real.

What is there, if you question its reality? What is there behind the mention of ‘self’? If I say “chip” (to stay with your example), the word points to a sound which points to an apparent reality (an image in your thoughts, and a bunch of sensations when you eat it). What about “self”. The word points to a sound, then what? Can you see anything behind the concept/word/label? Look into this and tell me what comes up.

I want you to go and sit quietly somewhere and note down for me everything that is happening. Give me a ten minutes slice of life. Just what is happening, in your own words and your own time. Sounds, smells, sights, sensations, tactile sensations. If a thought comes up, acknowledge it, welcome it, note it too (the thought that…), but let it pass. Take your time, really do this, because all that happening: THIS IS IT!

Warm wishes,

Fred

[Brant]

I want you to go and sit quietly somewhere and note down for me everything that is happening. Give me a ten minutes slice of life. Just what is happening, in your own words and your own time. Sounds, smells, sights, sensations, tactile sensations. If a thought comes up, acknowledge it, welcome it, note it too (the thought that…), but let it pass. Take your time, really do this, because all that happening: THIS IS IT!

This is a really helpful exercise. I did this earlier and and started to see how thought puts up a barrier to seeing whatever it is behind it. My experience of it was something along the lines of looking at the sand beneath wavy water where thought keeps coming up. I'd like ot look into this more. I ended up drifting away for the last 5 minutes.

What is there, if you question its reality? What is there behind the mention of ‘self’? If I say “chip” (to stay with your example), the word points to a sound which points to an apparent reality (an image in your thoughts, and a bunch of sensations when you eat it). What about “self”. The word points to a sound, then what? Can you see anything behind the concept/word/label? Look into this and tell me what comes up.

I'll get back to this.

[Freddi]

Hi Brant,

This is a really helpful exercise. I did this earlier and and started to see how thought puts up a barrier to seeing whatever it is behind it. My experience of it was something along the lines of looking at the sand beneath wavy water where thought keeps coming up

The point of this exercise was not for you to give me an interpretation on how good it is, nor some mind wandering about "thoughts put up a barrier etc". It was for you to give me a ten minutes slice of life, as it is happening, in all its plain ordinariness.
So I will restate here what I asked you to do:
I want you to go and sit quietly somewhere and note down for me everything that is happening. Give me a ten minutes slice of life. Just what is happening, in your own words and your own time. Sounds, smells, sights, sensations, tactile sensations. If a thought comes up, acknowledge it, welcome it, note it too (the thought that…), but let it pass. Take your time, really do this, because all that happening: This is it!

Can you do this, please?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Freddi]

Hi Brant
How's it going? Where are you at?
Fred

[Brant]

Hi Fred, I'm back to try again. I lost the ability to focus... or felt I was getting nowhere and never will, so I just went back into the matrix for a while. I want to keep trying though if you're prepared to help me.

Honestly I don't know what I'm looking for or how to see whatever that is, but i know something is wrong and I don't know what. This feeling comes in cycles - perhaps a few weeks every 3 months or so where it's particularly strong and the mind scrambles to define itself... usually by creating division with others. I'm about a week through that now so it's a sign to look for whatever it is I'm looking for.

I want you to go and sit quietly somewhere and note down for me everything that is happening. Give me a ten minutes slice of life. Just what is happening, in your own words and your own time. Sounds, smells, sights, sensations, tactile sensations. If a thought comes up, acknowledge it, welcome it, note it too (the thought that…), but let it pass. Take your time, really do this, because all that happening: This is it!

There is thought that I'm standing here by the computer. A noise of wind. Thoughts about thought. a car noise, thoughts about what a thought about a car noise means... I see the cork block below my screen and begin to type that I see a cork block and wonder about the assumption of a me seeing the cork block... built into english language... thoughts about if I'm doing this right...

Feeling of sadness right now (to be honest)... brought on by the thought that my house seems lonely... seeing the house and it's contents but not labelling them... vision widens in periphery... thought enters wanting to describe the house but i cut it off (if that's possible)... thought enters that looking or watching isn't enough - i need to try to do something to see the truth and destroy this belief there is a self... thoughts about how this is holding me back... a me being held back... silly but the thought process keeps presenting itself...

If 'this' is it... if 'this' is everything... thought must be after the fact... thoughts about 'pigeon superstition'... thoughts about is this all it is: thoughts that happen after the present... logically impossible... thoughts must happen in real time, but the content of the thoughts could be based on the past... getting sidetracked...

Thought of a self image .. thought of a me doing the thinking... an image of what this me looks like doing the thinking... thoughts that wonder if this is about a me wanting to improve a me by becoming enlightened... a way to make a me happier...

mind wanders... cant even remember what I was thinking about... self building stuff. 15 minute timer went off but i want to continue.

If everything already is... then the process should be along the lines of 'letting it in'... a process of 'not doing'. Watching... and 'letting it all in'... watching... if i am nothing how does it look? there is this ever present thought-image of a me doing the looking / thinking... thoughts about how to become convinced it's not possible...

[Freddi]

Hey Brant, glad to have you back. Of course I am prepared to help you.

Thanks for the honesty of your ‘slice of Life’. I really appreciate your willingness to look into this.

If 'this' is it... if 'this' is everything... thought must be after the fact... thoughts about 'pigeon superstition'... thoughts about is this all it is: thoughts that happen after the present... logically impossible... thoughts must happen in real time, but the content of the thoughts could be based on the past... getting sidetracked...

What is pointed to here is not logical, but evident. When you step out of the mind stream for a moment, and come back to your breathing, notice the seeing, the hearing, the touching, the smelling, the sensing etc. Then notice thoughts bobbing up and down as you did in your slice of Life. All that is what’s happening.
The content of thoughts is what you now see as unreal. The stories about a Brant who could get this right or wrong, a story about a Brant doing the thinking, the labelling based on the past. As you noticed, they always tell their stories after the fact. The content of thought is not what’s happening.
Now the question to ask yourself is: all that stuff that thought is saying, is it real? Is it part of my most immediate and intimate experience, in this moment. Is it not true of every moment?

thoughts that wonder if this is about a me wanting to improve a me by becoming enlightened... a way to make a me happier...

Who or what is that character called Brant that could get enlightened? Do you see/hear/touch/smell a separate entity, when you scan your direct experience? Or is he just a character in a story told by thought?
Liberation is not about turning the nightmare into a dream, but about seeing that, in actuality, it was a dream all along. Life continues just as before, with its ups and downs, lefts and rights, good days and bad days. The difference is that Life is welcome to do whatever it does, because there is no one it is happening to, and no one that could ever stand apart, managing it. It is just happening by itself, as if on automatic.
A person I recently helped through the 'gate' wrote this to me: "Peace comes not from ending the war, not from all being in full agreement, peace comes from the allowing of the full expression, or rather realizing that the full expression is already allowed."

Would it be OK for Life to continue just as it always has?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Brant]

Now the question to ask yourself is: all that stuff that thought is saying, is it real? Is it part of my most immediate and intimate experience, in this moment. Is it not true of every moment?

It's correct that the stuff thought is saying is not real... I imagine having horns, I know deep down that it's not true, i check anyway and there are no horns. Looking back it always seems obvious that what thought is saying isn't real... but i always get caught up into believing it. It's the mind saying 'this might happen - work out a way to fix it'.

I decided that that answer alone wasn't enough so sat and watched for a while. Thought would keep bobbing up, but i was tuned into being aware of sight, feeling other senses etc. Then eventually I get carried off with thought - following whatever narrative was going on... who or what has control over what to tune into? I'm guessing there is no control... only the belief of control.

Who or what is that character called Brant that could get enlightened? Do you see/hear/touch/smell a separate entity, when you scan your direct experience? Or is he just a character in a story told by thought?

It is a character in thought pointing to something real - the body. The thought is saying Brant is x,y,z and this is his body, then i look at the body and it's real.

Just had one of those moments of confusion... where i think - 'what am i even looking for here'. None of this even makes sense.

The body can't get enlightened... the body is just a body... so the belief about enlightenment lies within the thought-based character. A thought being enlightened.

What will happen to me if I see I never existed? There is some fear built around this question.

Ok, you seem to answer it here:

Liberation is not about turning the nightmare into a dream, but about seeing that, in actuality, it was a dream all along. Life continues just as before, with its ups and downs, lefts and rights, good days and bad days

Would it be OK for Life to continue just as it always has?

I will look on this next. Also

peace comes from the allowing of the full expression, or rather realizing that the full expression is already allowed.

resonates with me. I want to do some watching while holding this thought so to speak.

[Freddi]

The body can't get enlightened... the body is just a body... so the belief about enlightenment lies within the thought-based character. A thought being enlightened.

A 'thought being enlightened'. Nice one ;-)

I will look on this next. Also
Freddi wrote:
peace comes from the allowing of the full expression, or rather realizing that the full expression is already allowed.
resonates with me. I want to do some watching while holding this thought so to speak.

Great. I will let you contemplate this. Let me know what you see and find while you sit and watch.

Then you can let me know if there is still a feeling of fear built around the question of whether 'you' ever existed as a person in charge of 'your' Life, and we can take a look at this together.

Thanks again for all your honesty and dedication. Earnestness = ripeness = clarity.

Fred

[Brant]

The question came to me today on 'who or what' tunes into the various senses... tunes into thought, then tunes into sight or sensation etc... this might be an assumption that's been running in the background...

watching for 15-20 mins:
So watching just now, i kept noticing thought wanting to kick in and analyse the current sensation... do i let it, or do i cut it off and try to stay with my senses - say physical sensation for example? Then there's the assumption of course there is a me doing the tuning in and out of the various experiences... not sure what to do here.

confusion... this is ridiculous - what am i even doing? What is truth... forget all beliefs and just see what's true... thought can be misleading so i tune into other senses? But who or what is doing the tuning? Assuming now everything is running on automatic and watching...

image of a me doing the watching... just thought... the sensation of the desk on my hands - what is that experience happening to? Mind tries to analyse i cut it off and re-focus... i have no answer to 'what is experience happening to?' The logic is there that experience is happening to a me - a body mind etc... but it can't be validated in realtime so can't be trusted...

I'm trying to find a me... and i start considering 'I' could be the level higher than the body/mind... an 'I am experience'... i just don't know... I'm considering an 'I am nothing' thought and watching to see if I notice anything...

'I am nothing - how does everything work?' and then watching touched on something... i started to feel I'd lose something... what would happen to my family? what would happen to me?

[Brant]

expectation must be getting in the way... expectation of something happening / changing ... in theory nothing should change - it has always been like this... it's just that I've always been thinking otherwise...

[Freddi]

So watching just now, i kept noticing thought wanting to kick in and analyse the current sensation... do i let it, or do i cut it off and try to stay with my senses - say physical sensation for example? Then there's the assumption of course there is a me doing the tuning in and out of the various experiences... not sure what to do here.

Who or what is doing the tuning into and out of thought? Keep coming back to that. It is a good place to look.
When you sit quietly and watch, observe. Can you experience a ‘tuner’? Can you experience an experiencer? Or is there just tuning in and out, experiencing?
There are assumptions of a ‘me’ doing the tuning in and out. That's our habitual thinking kicking in.
Are these assumptions verified in direct experience? Or are they just conditioned patterns? As you write, ‘forget all beliefs and just see what’s true’. Question all assumptions. Don't let thoughts go uninvestigated.
Who or what is doing the sitting and watching? Can a sitter, a watcher be experienced, apart from the experiencing of sitting and watching? If you strip off all assumptions, can you see that sitting and watching just happen by themselves, on automatic, like everything else?

expectation must be getting in the way... expectation of something happening / changing ... in theory nothing should change - it has always been like this... it's just that I've always been thinking otherwise...

‘In theory nothing should change’. Only in theory? How can Life be anything other than WHAT IT IS, right here and now? Could it ever? Is that theory or fact?
You see, Brant, this is soooo simple that our mind overlooks it. Our thinking tells us stories of a character in charge, a ‘doer’, a ‘seeker’, etc. And it just takes one honest look. There is no such doer, seeker, thinker, etc. Just Life happening on automatic. It is a permanent miracle.

Are expectations really in the way? In the way of what?

Fred