1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no “me” to produce, and there never was. The only “substance” it appeared to have was in thought form, which is not personal. Just concepts taken to be real.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The separate self is “one” who has control; the thinker, doer and planner. Separated from the Absolute, it feels weak, vulnerable and alone. But this little self never had control, never thought thoughts because it never even existed. It was imagined and dreamed up in conceptual mind, and holding onto thoughts about “it” appeared to strengthen its pseudo-substance, and limiting its range to the confined state of being in a body. Here, it makes a life of suffering out of resistance to what is while continually looking for a way “out”.
From my experience, duality is a destructive force and caused me to live in fear. I made up how I wanted life to be to satisfy my ego needs, often went against the natural flow of life, and ignored the truth residing there in front of me, afraid of having no identity anymore, afraid of the Eternal.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels like a dawning of a new way of being in this world. I get the odd twinge of wishing I’d discovered this before, and then remember there’s no one there to discover or not, and there’s no before either. What a relief that I don’t have to do anything different, or indeed, do anything at all!
In the past, I believed I had to subjugate, lessen or dissolve the ego. I believed I had to strengthen my “connection” to God as well. I had to actively work at it, despite having some "success" with the aforementioned way. What is different now, is I recognize is there is no
being apart from what I was seeking and there never was. Nothing to seek, because it already Is. The ego cannot be disposed of, because it’s not even there and there’s no one to dispose of it. The only truth is that I am that awareness that watches life doing what it does. I am the watcher and life itself.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
One of the greatest insights I have had was seeing that anything good, bad, right and wrong, all the polarities arise in the oneness of the Absolute. Nothing stands outside of it, yet it is unchanging emptiness, constant and certain. I saw that one single moment of “awakening” and 50 years of sleep were all held in Love, no matter how it “turned out”. It’s all good. There’s nowhere to go, nothing to change, nothing to protect and no one here. I am in awe of this Grace.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen?
Nothing is decided by me and I have no will that can effect anything. In direct experience, this becomes very evident. In the world, but not of it. Recently, when I have wanted to assert some kind of agenda of my own, I’ve come to a place where it's dropped, realizing I am not doing anything anyway, may as well just let it be. Takes all the pressure off. I am finding it much swifter to "move" into direct experience…. Right now, in this pause, breathing and heart beating is happening. Fleeting thoughts trail across mind, and ambient sounds come and go. The low hiss of the computer here and now. Sitting with a cup of tea, looking out at nature, I just am. Thoughts come and go again. Peace all around, even stillness in the chair supporting this body. The chair just is, and has no mind to change. That’s how it feels here in this seat. There is only Gods will, that of Life and Love.
I hope that answers your questions satisfactorily Pete. Thanks again for your support throughout this time. I am so grateful for this help along the way and I hope we stay in touch! I'll get my FB info to you as well.
Katherine x
