Hello Bill,
Thanks for your patience. Here are my answers to the final questions.
1)
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is no 'self', 'me', or 'I' anywhere other than a thought. Observing the body, mind/thoughts and sensations, it is seen that all happens on its own, there is no one giving out orders or directions on what or how to do anything. Observing other forms in nature it is easy to see the natural flow of life. Today I was at the post office and the Television was on, Rachel Rays show was playing, a gentlemen behind me commented "wow" Rachel Ray is putting on the pounds! I saw the thoughts rush in to defend women from his chauvinistic remark, but then I saw that his comment was just conditioning playing out, just like the conditioning that arose within me to defend. It was all automatic, once seen clearly the feeling and thoughts fell away and I had a good laugh.
2)
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the separate self begins shortly after the birth of form. Parents, siblings, teachers and others, out of ignorance teach the form that it is the label it was given, that it is the body. As the form grows, more information is put into the system more ideas of 'me' and 'mine' appear in the thought stream. Although the true nature is always there, it can feel as though it is hidden, as though we are cut off from our beingness because of all the beliefs that have formed over time. This form now takes itself to be a person, women, daughter, sister, mother, etc. All the labels and roles have been piled on the psyche. Although in truth nothing is ever lost because all these ideas and roles are none existent in reality, they are all empty thought constructs, mere conceptualizations. Life was prior to the form and Life will be after the form has gone, and life is what we are.
3
) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is a sense of relief, even though life goes on just as it always has, with its sensations, pains, pleasures etc. There is a seeing through the thought stream, knowing that it is all truly bullshit! It really is nothing but BS. All the ideas and conditioning that arise without rhyme or reason, mean nothing, until they are given meaning. Recently a lot of suffering, fear, and other so-called emotions arose due to an experience that was labeled 'awful'. Was this experience awful? no it was nothing, everything is nothing. All the suffering and awfulness was only found in the thoughts and resistance to what was appearing, attention went to the thoughts as if looking for comfort, but there is nothing to be found in thoughts, all that is, is right here in DE. Throughout the whole experience observation was happening, and within this knowing of experience, there is a gentle stillness, this peace. I don't know what has changed, I cannot find a word for this change, I only know there seems to be more observation happening and less reactivity, but even if reactivity arises there is a seeing that it is nothing more than reactivity belonging to no one. Just info that was put into the system. Prior to this everything was the same, except a perspective seem to change..perhaps 'perspective' is the best word to describe what has changed.
4)
What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Watching the body in various movements, really looking at how things are done without any direction. Also observing thoughts, how they arise and descend back, seeing that the thoughts are also empty, how the so-called mind is really empty without any location. In DE there is no thinker, no one choosing, no one doing anything!! It's pretty amazing.
5)
Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
I do not decide, intend, choose or control anything, although it may appear as though 'I' do, and many times it feels as though there is an 'I' that is doing, but I know this feeling that is associated with this 'I' is nothing more than thoughts and sensations and a habit or pattern. As I see the fingers typing these words there is no one directing the fingers on how to move or what words will be chosen. I see thoughts arise and the body will do what the thought may have suggested to do, like get up and get a drink of water, but there is no one thinking the thoughts, directing the thoughts, the thought just arises from no where... some times a worrisome thought will arise and observing the thought without judgment will also arise, the worrisome thought will descend back into nothing, but did someone make that happen???? No, can't find anyone in DE that is doing anything! It just happens!
I realized I don't know anything..don't know from one moment to the next and it's all alright just as it is.
6) Anything to add?
I would like to add that being here in LU working with a guide has been a wonderful experience. I am so thankful and grateful for this opportunity. Thank you Bill. I look forward to hear from you.
Love
Namaste,
Paula