Dear Sunil:
Good. I will poke until it hurts. You and rest of your family and husband must know the unconditional love a little baby offers its caretakers, parents. Is it possible that there is guilt within you for not having that? Again, I am not concerned about the act of having children or grandchildren but the desire to get unconditional love you experienced briefly with your guru. Is there an expectation that this search will result in such a state?
Thank you for poking, even if it hurts (don't think you can hurt me more than I do myself!!).
No, I don't think that there is any guilt for not having children; I did not feel (and possibly likely so) that I had the capacity to raise a child without screwing them up (my family did not have a good history here) and do not regret this "decision." I don't really feel this is an important issue for me.
I do not think there is any primary motivation for liberation in order to have unconditional love. I do not think this this is an expectation either, but I would certainly welcome it as a byproduct! However, I can definitely see that there is an immense and childlike desire to
be loved unconditionally, as a child with her mother; a deep hunger to feel loved - and if I am really honest with myself here - to be taken care of. It is not a rational desire (is any?) but none-the-less it is clearly there. Even though I am in my 60's there is still a small pathetic wounded child (living through the memories working its way into my thoughts and feelings?) living inside that craves love and to feel taken care of and protected.
Indeed. What we want to find out is why the sufferer persists even though it's known to be an illusion? And to repeat, we hang on to suffering as a crutch because of the fear that letting go will cause greater pain. So for example the fear may be that if you open some repressed wounds about love, unending tears and pain will hurt much.
Check if this is so? Look if fear isn't really one of your best friends, trying to prevent future hurt? Can you love this thought called fear for such an awesome task?
Writing this later:
I just had a "Deep Looking" session with Ilona, and experienced this frightened little Daria (age 3-ish?) who is terrified of being hurt,trusts no one, and all she wants is to feel loved and safe - much grief and tears released. There is no question that there are repressed wounds that this child experienced, leaving her with conditioning to stay on guard, never trust or allow anyone to come close enough to hurt her. And she sulks (that is where this comes from!!) Her world revolves around fear of being hurt. So I guess fear has done a great job in trying to keep hurt away, because what is experienced is fear, and the hurt is hidden away nicely. I can certainly appreciate the protective power of fear. Yes.
As an aside, I also realized these "conversations" with her are as "real" as any others (i.e., they are NOT real), as they must be stemming from thoughts arising from experiences/memories from 50-60 years ago. The emotions (hurt, fear, mistrust, anguish, grief, etc.) feel as "real" as any today, so this must be where they arise from. So I see there are many illusory "me's" from different ages that are generating thoughts and feelings. It makes me realize that this is why I often experience irrational childish feelings that arise but "feel real" (e.g., sulky, spiteful). This is the machinery running it. For example, when I was feeling really ill earlier this week, the thought that "I want my mommie" came up! Geez. Autopilot hurt, needy child "me" was activated from the memory tapes, given the illness stimulus occurring 50+ years later. It is getting clearer.
It is now clear. Why perhaps? Dig more and be sure that if is the fear of losing control that has you hanging on to the obviously illusory self and the suffering associated with it.
Now I think the hanging on is somehow connected to this small frightened child who refuses to trust, hungers for love and safety. It is not that I haven't been aware of these childish feelings but what I can't see is what she could gain by holding onto this illusory self? What I experienced is that she is completely irrational (how can a 3-year old child's logic not be?!) so there must be some nonsensical gain belief coming from these early traumatic memories. How to get at this better and more clearly? I will continue to look here, as there may be a key to what it is that is holding me back.
I see you have answered your own question. But I don't want you to have any doubts that from simple to enormous tasks, conditioning, universe and nature all conspire to make your successes like walking and breathing and a 4.0 GPA possible. What seems like conscious control is a credit taken by the illusory construct called Daria after the event. Even a planning decision which appears proactive is in fact a response to a perceived threat or reward by the mind. It is really all due to Big Bang.
Thank you for the clarification. I get it.
[/quote]... it does mean that the doer is not an illusory self since illusions are simply absent. Thus the suffering associated with all the fret and anguish about fear of failure or fear of success subsides, slowly disappears. Body is allowed to do what is right, just like always. No change, just no suffering.[/quote]
I assume you are talking from the perspective of no-self here?
Reward you expect from keeping status quo is greater than the rewards of relieved suffering that you expect will happen if you see through this ruse. What is that? It could be gaining or not losing something...
The only thing I can come up with is there must be an irrational belief from a young age (earlier discussed) - perhaps that she will never get her desire for love and safety met? She is being difficult and stubborn? OR fear of losing (perceived) control? Clearly I have not yet hit it one the head or I think I would know ... I will keep searching ...
Yes, I have some tips for you. Whenever the fear arises, focus on your body. Locate where the constriction is happening. Then compare that feeling with another part of the body where there is no such feeling. Do it every time and see how it moves or not? Describe in detail what is happening?
Thank you, I will do that. Funny, but right now (after the session with Ilona) fear seems to be gone. I will certainly do this the next time fear arises. I have had the experience of focusing on the area of the body where the fear sensation is felt (usually solar plexus or chest) and this seems to make it subside if the attention is kept continuously on it (not every time but sometimes). In this case it is felt as an energy that simply leaves.
Also, think of times in the past when you felt fear. What happened later on? Why did the fear eventually dissipate?
Are the fears you experience now or in the past permanent? Have they ever been? What are they?
The fear eventually dissipates on its own, similar to the fact that it arises. However, when I have focused on the area (usually solar plexus or chest) where I feel the sensation (labeled fear) intensely and stayed with it, the fear often dissolves. Funny, it seems to want my attention and then dissolves when it receives it.
The fears are not permanent nor have they ever been - they just seem to arrive and subside. From what I have learned, it seems they are the response to a thought that is somehow threatening to the organism Daria,and arise to protect it from something. For example, (as previously discussed) the fear arising off and on during the night is a hardwired brain program designed to protect the organism to be alert for predators while sleeping.
Love, Daria
