Requesting a guide

[Amanda44]

Yes, I know we're not there yet. But I can relate to the kid's impatience!

And yes, I know it's a black and white thing. What do you do when you're stuck in the darkness? I feel like I'm hitting my head against the same wall over and over. It's not getting me anywhere and I'm getting a bit frustrated.

I feel like I'm getting a direct taste of what my students must feel like when they first try to wrap their heads around this whole mindfulness thing. What I hear you saying to me is very similar in essence to what I say to them. What's really good about my having to go through this is I can experience directly what frustration and bafflement they must go through!

[Mad biker]

Gotcha! You are coming through loud and clear. I first picked up on the impatience way back on page two of our Thread and it is just another thing to bring that sense of humour to!
And you are very much getting somewhere, you have gotton here to elements of frustration which is another Dharma Door to Liberation so that is really good.

Up until now you have done lots of thought analysis of experience but little real looking, as far as I can tell. That's OK you are a Head Type and it takes a while to settle into this approach (see D.E. document) I was needing you to come to the limitations of your thought-filled approach and we look as though we might be there now. You say you can't figure out HOW? However, there's no figuring out involved! Quit trying. Leave aside the concepts. Look inside, in present moment experience, deeply and honestly. Where is the 'self'? Are thoughts the self? Are thoughts of impatience the self? What are these thoughts of impatience made of? Just be. Watch your current sensory experience right now in this moment sitting in that chair. We are surrounded by awareness/emptiness, our mind and body are made of awareness/emptiness.

'Emptiness is the essence of the very processes you say are [making you impatient]. Emptiness is not a state or an experience elsewhere. It is here, now, emptiness is everything going on in consciousness. Just take a look.' (Jnanavira)

[Amanda44]

Well actually I have been doing a lot of direct looking as far as I can tell, but I haven't reported on all of it because it doesn't seem like there's much to report. I am pretty much directly examining my experience all day long. This is why I'm getting a little frustrated. Yes I know there's nothing to figure out, it's just looking. That's what I'm doing. I'm looking. I'm sensing. I don't find anything other than physical sensations. I don't think I'm "trying" in the sense of making effort to solve a problem. I'm just looking. What am I not seeing? I'm just not sure.

[Mad biker]

This is great Tara we are really getting down on it now:

I am pretty much directly examining my experience all day long. This is why I'm getting a little frustrated. Yes I know there's nothing to figure out, it's just looking. That's what I'm doing. I'm looking. I'm sensing. I don't find anything other than physical sensations. I don't think I'm "trying" in the sense of making effort to solve a problem.

'Who' is it that examines?
Who is looking?
Who is sensing?
'Who' is it that gets frustrated?

Its great to read your last line where you say; "I don't think I'm "trying" in the sense of making effort to solve a problem" Because my above four questions are not some list of Crazy Wisdom Koans set to stun. Instead they are quite literally ordinary genuine questions in plain English. I know they might not look that way right now but I cross my heart they are!

Now just give yourself to them. Leave the last one till last as it is a different sort of enquiry. Now just sit there, in your chair there in front of that monitor in your room. Take those few breaths in a kindly way. You are not trying to crack code here, there is nothing to crack: I won't detain you further by saying that's because there is no actual self just the skandhas like the Buddha said (although there is no actual self, just the skandhas like the Buddha said BTW!)
Just address yourself to those questions in a spirit of kindly awareness, with a sense of curiosity, and curiosity about 'your' responses and noticing 'your' responses to THOSE further reflective responses.

[Amanda44]

Still nothing to report. Just looking. Mostly this morning during my meditation, which I often need to do on my back because I have back issues that flare up when I sit stock still for too long. Anyway, I often fall asleep!

I am examining where this "idea" resides -- this notion that I have a self. I can't find any trace of it apart from a physical sensation, which I can identify readily. Physical sensations arise dependent upon some other condition being there. Yes I experience that directly. Not sure where it takes me. But you've pointed me there so that's where I'll look.

[Mad biker]

OK Great. Stay with that. More from me tomorrow. Just back from the Peterborough class now and off to bed.

[Mad biker]

Let's look at things head on for a minute: It is common for people to think that their thoughts are their 'self' which helps to account for the enduring popularity of Descartes; "I think, therefore I am" But the Buddha is saying this is a mistake. I think you are understandably prone to this one Tara!

Let's leave aside the computer for the time being. I want to ask you do this:

A bit of Yoga with breathing say ten minutes ending on the floor in corpse pose.

Then feeling your way back into those vipassana body questions we did before (where is the self in the body if it is just arisings and departures of sensations, how can the body really be 'self' etc)

Turn now to hearing as before, where you found there was just those arisings and departures of sounds, and no hearer, just the heard.

This time turn to thoughts:
Can a thought think itself?
Can a thought decide to think?
Notice the arisal and departure of thoughts?
Have you ever clearly decided to do a Metta meditation practise only to find that 'your' thoughts sometimes wanders off to do something else? How could that possibly happen if your thoughts are 'you' and that you had decided to do the Metta?
Might it just be that thoughts come and go by themselves? That we just call them 'ours' through sheer habit? That we think that our thinking is 'me' that it is 'self', but in actual fact. when you look at it, you get to see that it just happens?

Notice the arisal and departure of thoughts. Really give your self to this practise in a new way quite closely for five or ten minutes tops. Set a timer within hand's reach for easy cancellation should you want longer.

Did you get Reggie Ray back yet?
Just by way of orientation I will send you his three Tricycle Articles right now. Those are a kind of synopsis of his book we touched on earlier; 'Touching Enlightenment'
Read his first article then do the above exercise and tell me what happens. (If you want you can read his second article and do the exercise again)

[Amanda44]

Pretty much every morning I get up and do about 30 minutes of yoga, and then settle into meditation anywhere from 30-60 minutes. But lately I check email first to see if there's a post from you. That way I can incorporate your guidance into my routine.

So that's what I did this morning. I started by reading the first of the three Reggie Ray articles, and then did my yoga, Then I settled into my meditation chair and focused in first to sounds, which then led me to noticing the thoughts that arise about the sounds. Of course there is labeling, and conceptualizing about what the sound "is". I was also looking back at where the thoughts arise from. Is there a thinker? What's the direct experience that tells me there is a thinker present? In each case, I really couldn't find anything. Yes, thoughts do seem to arise on their own, out of nowhere. But this wasn't really anything new. Yes, I'm stuck in a habitual way of seeing things. You said to give myself to the practice in a new way, I have no idea what that could mean. I'm looking at my direct experience, I'm not just thinking about it. I really am examining what I'm directly hearing and feeling.

I feel like I'm looking at things over and over in the same old deluded way. Yes, each experience is different, but clearly my way of looking is the same. You tell me not to try so hard. But I don't know what to let go of or where else to look. The Dharma door of doubt and frustration is looming very large right now. It does feel like I'm banging my head against a solid wall. I know there must be a really easy way to just slip right through, but I haven't found it.

[Mad biker]

Yes, thoughts do seem to arise on their own, out of nowhere. But this wasn't really anything new. Yes, I'm stuck in a habitual way of seeing things. You said to give myself to the practice in a new way, I have no idea what that could mean. I'm looking at my direct experience, I'm not just thinking about it. I really am examining what I'm directly hearing and feeling.

Ha! Great, this is it!
Now listen and listen up good Tara:
Firstly; when I used the expression; '...give yourself to the practise in a new way' I was simply trying to avoid the old cliche 'Beginners Mind', (so I even wanted beginners mind itself to become renewed for you as you probably use it regularly for teaching purposes) but that is what I meant. With this enquiry you are taking up the same preliminaries and postural shapes as you regularly would for standard Samatha practise but the difference is profound in as much as instead of engaging in any cultivation of a state, as we would with a Bhavana practice, here we just notice and reflect on what arises, ideally in what I call a spirit of CELT:
Curiosity,
Exploration,
Learning.
Tangibility. (I covered these yesterday without spelling out the acronym but do write this down somewhere for yourself. Keeping it tangible as in noticing your responses to what arises and then noticing your responses to those responses)

You have been doing as well as you could. You have approached this enquiry as well as you could. You have been doing your best! Don't scold yourself for your goal orientatedness but yes, OK, sure at the end of the day that has intruded a bit. Just laugh at that! You can't force REALITY to come out of that bunker with its hands up!

I will now begin a process I expect to maybe have to repeat to you (and if so that is fine BTW) That is the process of reassuring you that when I say ' hey, relax, take it easy', that is not just me being 'nice' or 'pleasant' or 'easygoing' or anything superficial like that, far from it. This is the essential core instruction of the Sona Sutta from the Pali Canon about how to string his lute. Metta is the only true way to true Sati. You will get no further if you do not let go.

I am asking you to accept that you need to just settle back down into savouring awareness itself, as though 'THIS IS IT'! I have arrived, there is nowhere else to go, nothing to get, no state of mind to get, a state of mind which I would then use to achieve a further, more exalted state of mind'.

It does feel like I'm banging my head against a solid wall. I know there must be a really easy way to just slip right through, but I haven't found it.

Yes, just leave aside the head banging. The solution is remarkably straightforward and readily available:
Just relax and let go into awareness itself. You are surrounded by it in this moment. You are in the middle of it right now.
Do that last exercise sequence again in this spirit without the striving. Just dig the savouring!
That kid getting into dhyana with music in that Rose Apple Tree moment from you on page one was not striving she was savouring!
Reggie Ray's far from scientific book, wouldn't look great on his professor's Resume, but the guy wasn't being academic he was just savouring because he now knows that is the way; "...to just slip right through,.."!

[Mad biker]

P.S.
Savouring in a spirit of CELT!
x

[Amanda44]

Okay, wow. What a difference that makes. I got what you meant about the importance of metta. What a huge difference it is. I just understood that even though I have been examining my experience up until now, it's been with a certain arm's-length distance. Sort of like a scientific examination. Looking under a microscope, if you will.

This morning, I did my usual meditation completely for the purpose of enjoying myself. I have my go-to feeling that I settle into for that. I settle into my body and get into the wonderful feeling of letting go that's very similar to what it's like when you come home from work after a long day, flop down into your favorite easy chair in your favorite spot, and go "AHHHH." There's nothing like it in the whole world.

I used to meditate like that a lot, but then it started to get very vague and woolly, maybe too self-indulgent. So I had moved away from that a little bit, thinking that this quality of ease was at the opposite end of the spectrum from focus, concentration, and other such conditions conducive to insight. So I was quite consciously steering myself away from it to some extent.

But you led me to see that it's actually not the opposite. It's possible to go into this space of totally savoring and getting into the pleasure of it all, but at the same time being in a clear and mindful state of exploration. It's a fine balance to maintain, but I was there this morning.

I think the other interesting thing is an observation about conditionality. Lately, I've been meditating almost entirely on my back because of back problems. Sitting perfectly still for long periods of time becomes too painful. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that meditating on your back versus sitting up our two different experiences.

Because I'm on my back, I'm much more able to let go and get into that "AHHHH" feeling. I think I mentioned before that I was falling asleep a lot. That's what had led me to think that it was the opposite of concentrating. But today, I was awake the whole time and just getting into the whole experience. This was new. And I'm not sure it would've happened in this way if I were not on my back. I figured that my back problems, and hence my needing to meditate on my back, would eventually turn into a gift. I got my gift this morning.

And the interesting thing is, the goal orientation was totally not there. The headbanging was totally not there. I wasn't quite getting to a place of thoroughly examining whether or not there was a self present, but I didn't mind at all. I figured it would come in time. The learning from today was just what I describe above, and I think that was plenty.

[Mad biker]

And the interesting thing is, the goal orientation was totally not there. The headbanging was totally not there. I wasn't quite getting to a place of thoroughly examining whether or not there was a self present, but I didn't mind at all. I figured it would come in time. The learning from today was just what I describe above, and I think that was plenty.

Great! I absolutely agree with you that was plenty for the time being. Just settle into another one of those balanced effort meditations tomorrow or this evening to get more of a feel for it. Expect Mara's daughters though as we come closer to the brink. No big deal, you know the drill, just have that smile ready for them! However in that particular posture of yours, resistance can take the shape of huge sleepiness so be ready for that one. You probably know this method already; but just in case you don't, try this:

With both arms lying at ease by the sides of your body lift up both fore arms so that they now are both upright at 90 degrees to the floor. Allow both hands to flop forward freely, unsupported in any way. These arms will happily stay up by themselves with no effort. Any serious wavering or falling of the arms will serve as an early warning of impending slumber and allow you to get back to wakefulness.

[Amanda44]

Expect Mara's daughters though as we come closer to the brink.

Spoken like a man. Haha. Somehow his daughers don't get in my way as much as he himself. I've met him many times before, with his armies.

[Mad biker]

Cool! Just stay with it. Things are shaping up just fine. Just keep allowing things to unfold with this more relaxed approach.
"It's not that things change, things ARE change!"
(Sangharakshita)

[Amanda44]

Just got back from our Friends Night here in Boston, and had another 45-minute or so sit in the same vein. It's a rather noisy space - with loud rock music coming through the walls and people walking around upstairs. I just sat and took all the sounds in. I feel as though somehow I have discovered a way to drop down into a deeper level of awareness. I can't explain it any better than that. It feels very comfortable.

I'll sit again tomorrow morning and let you know how it goes.