The Gate

It feels fine. Quite ok. Normal. Nothing special or not special. Things will come and go.

I don't feel like I have any pressing questions. That feeling seems to have died down.

No push anymore for to understand?
Acceptance of life as it is?
Is there more than every day life?
Is there something staying outside of life?
Is this possible?

No push to understand.
There isn't anything more.
I don't see how there could be anything outside of this.

But... I don't feel an aceeptance of life as it is. I want to change things. There is resistance to the idea of accepting everything as it is.

Do you accept that there is resistance?

Yup.

There is also the thought - Why should I accept life as it is when I can change it? It's a pretty deep sense.

You think that you can change life.
Why is this not happening all the time?

Look at something you want to change now.
Your thoughts are about past and future, that doesn't exist.
How could they change the now?
The mind creates a time story.
This thoughts are associated with real sensations and feelings so that it feels real.
Look at this directly.

I guess it comes back the thought - I am in control. While I don't actively think it all the time, again it is quite a deep sense or understanding of things. I am in control of what I'm doing today, I am going to choose what I eat for breakfast, etc.

Followed by another thought - I'll never get this. I'll never realise I'm not in control. And the feeling of sadness. Some resignation (again!).

Why this feeling of sadness?
Is this not a contradiction to what the mind thinks about being in control?

Who knows. Just reporting it as it is. No, I think the sadness is to do with the thought - I'll never see the truth that I'm not in control. I'll never get this, etc.

If you have the conviction to be in control why do you have the thoughts about

I'll never see the truth that I'm not in control. I'll never get this

Get over this, be in control, do something to clean up this thoughts and feelings.
Do it immediately, be the master of your live, be strong and willful.
And never complain again about this again!

Do you recognize this kind of advice?

Do I recognise that kind of advice? The idea of taking charge etc?

Yes. Are you asking where I would have heard it? Most likely from self-help type material or even previous church backgrounds.

Perhaps I have the idea that I 'should' be in control. I suspect that may have been learned along the way.

Ok another belief then - I am weak. And - I am a failure. And - I am unlikely to succeed. These are all coming up.