Thread for Ana

[Ana]

Dear T and Shell,

thank you T., the way you took my idioms is how I meant it.

I'll be off Monday morning, driving to Picton to catch the ferry next day (eventually heading to East Cape, maybe the Coromandel and seeing friends in Thames before making our way back).

I'll be posting my answers whenever I find the space - either in bits or together, we'll see.

Much love und bis bald

Ana

[Shell]

Ich wünsche Euch eine wunderbare Reise! Alles liebe! Shell'T

(ps, thank you for your answer re awareness. Its dificult to put into words, isn't it, and you did a grand job of it).

[Ana]

Dear Shell and T.,

today conditions are favourable to send you a life sign and make a start with the first two questions:

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?

No. In direct experience there is just experiencing / awareness / presence which is direct, outside of time and space and thereby 'does without' any seperating opposites like 'me', 'self', 'form', 'place', 'time' etc.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.

In the illusion of separate self you believe that there is a 'you, your-self' which 'exists' seperate from 'the rest of the world'. When a baby is born, its body-mind starts sensing its way through whatever it encounters. Using its five basic senses (seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting) in conjunction with the mind-sense as its six sense it eventually enters into a self-referencing loop, in which the illusion of a 'self' separate from everything else emerges. Apart from noting mental sensations (thoughts), there is a faculty ('mind') to label / distinguish / conceptualize all sensations coming through the senses into thought-contents, like 'warm', 'cold', 'mum', 'food', 'pleasant', 'unpleasant', 'me', 'not-me', etc. Being called by the same name all over again the growing body-mind starts associating it-self with it, and this process of 'selfing' develps more and more a life of its own especially when language develops. Verbalising thought-content, language, together with subsequent education, usually re-inforces this illusionary sense of separate self as by its nature language tends to split into potentially innumerous lables. These labels can only 'exist' if in contrast to each other, for example black not white or green, resting not working, table not chair, “I” not “you” or “other”, right not wrong. This all creates a sense of 'identity', of “I”, which is trying to control its 'existence' alongside or against other 'identities'. Being so caught up in this 'selfing' process, “I” has entered in a persuasive “self”-referencing loop where it hardly occurs to question its existence. All its experience simply seems to affirm that there is an “I” that has a will with which it can manipulate its experience. However “I” is only another label, another thought-content pointing to a sensation, or a bundle of sensations, that has been perceived.

I'll be continuing as soon as conditions allow.
Greetings from Napier
Much love

Ana

[jowate]

Dear Ana,

Good stuff! Look forward to the rest. Enjoy your trip!

Much love,

T. & Shell

[Shell]

Liebste Ana,

Ich freue mich sehr für Dich - Du bist in Napier und erlebst eine Traumhafte Reise durch die Nord Insel Neuseelands - und du weisst auch noch dass es nur ein Traum ist. Ich habe mich gefreut für Dich über deine erste Antworten auf die Final Questions - und zoals Tee, ich freue mich auf Deine nächste Antworten.

In Liebe, In Friede, In Dankbarkeit,
Deine "Shell 'n Tee"

[Shell]

Dearests "Ana and T",

I will be away for four days travelling. Just wanted to let you both know that I wont have internet access for the next four days, but that Im with you and will reply as soon as I get back in four days, should you have written in the interim, dear Ana!

Much love, Shell xxxxx

[Ana]

Dear "Shell 'n T.",

hope you had great days away, dear Shell, we certainly had so far and are up at Thames now. I will be offline again until Monday at least. 'Time' flies...

In much love and gratitude

Ana


3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.

Seeing the illusion of separate self feels 'normal' and 'not normal'. When looking at life around me there is no 'me' looking, there is just looking, not from a distance but just right in the 'middle of things'. A "me" was never needed for this. Life now just makes sense the way it goes, and this 'understanding' is different from conceptual understanding, there is a sense of wonder going with it, of relief, and of joy and gratitude though I can't really tell 'where' the joy comes from and 'what' I feel grateful for or towards. It's a bit like coming home.
At times I feel awkward, there is quite a bit of habitual energy wanting to apply itself, and more than often it does in the 'old' way - with or without "me". I don't feel good or bad about it, more fascinated as there seems to be no urge to 'justify my-self', I just let it happen. Seeing this can also feel confusing as "I" was used to try and live up to certain 'standards'. I find still myself apologizing after acting with pain arising. Looking at this in direct experience the question of 'standards' doesn't seem to pose itself, it seems more the other way round that living from direct experience is embedded in living from love, for want of a better word, presence appreciating presence. "I" (or "others") might define all sorts of 'standards' to be lived up to but there weren't any in the first place, there is just presence. I'm still discovering this - fascinating, liberating and curious how life continues to be lifing through this body-mind.


4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.

It's like being an actor in a film or a dream or a hologram who is so immersed in what's going on that you don't realize that your reality is all made up, actually made up by yourself. In it you take all you see, hear, smell, taste, feel and think for 'real' and thereby constantly create your 'self' in relation to the 'world' around 'you'. Your body-mind can't help but doing this, boiling down the endless stream of sensory input into something 'manageable', thereby also 'thinking' it was in 'control'. Like in a dream, it usually doesn't occur to you to question your existence or what seems to happen as it seems so convincingly real. However, this illusion is not 'perfect', there are 'holes in the system so to speak'. The 'system' itself is part of the illusion - the dreamer is part of the dream - which makes it impossible to keep itself up all the time. When you start looking for yourself with an open, honest and daring curiosity it is possible to see through this illusion. You learn to feel all the sensations that make up what you think you are for what they are, without adding any 'meaning' to them, that can eventually loosen the 'grip' that our usual, often instant interpretation of what happens to 'us'. This creates space to question and explore further the beliefs that make up your reality. Try and see for yourself.

[Shell]

Liebste Ana,

Ich freue mich sehr für Dich als ich Deine Worter lese.
Ich bin für einen Abend zurück- Es war heftig, hefigt, hefitg in München. Beerdigung von meiner aller aller ALLER besten Freundin zoals Kollegin - Konstanze Vernon (Grunderin des Bayersichen Staatsballetts, Grunderin der Heinz Bosl Stiftung und Deutschlands Prima Ballerina...). Als Deutsche würde es Dir veilliecht interessieren, was meiner besten Freundin/ Kollegin für diese Welt gemacht hat...und für viele Generationen Tänzer(innen) gemact und ermöglicht hat. Und jetzt die Mitteilung daß meine liebe, liebt Mutter es schwer geht wg Radiotherapie nach der Brust Krebs OP die vor 4 Wochen durchgefuhrt wurde. Aber trotz allem, ist da eine Friede dass nicht von dieser Welt ist, und ich denke Du verstehst dies jetzt, und nicdht nur intellektuell. Ich freue mich sehr über Dein nächstes Schreiben und bleibe Deine "Shell" in Liebe, in Dankbarkeit und in Friede xxx

[jowate]

Dear Ana,

Lovely replies, look forward to your other ones - hope you're having a good time on your holiday!

Love, T. & Shell xxx

[Ana]

Dear Shell & T.,

after driving many kilometers, staying at beautiful remote places and staying with various friends, I take the opportunity to post my remaining answers. After a short night we'll be taking the ferry to the south island of NZ and making our way back to Christchurch where I will be online more easily again for a while.
Dear Shell, thank you for sharing your time in Munich with me, I intend to reply (in German :-) ), but need to catch some sleep now as we need to get up quite early.

With much love and gratitude

Ana


5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?

It was gradual, I had come a long way before coming across LU - a fairly 'ripe fruit' ready to fall from the tree. I sensed there was more to be discovered and that I probably would need help - and then I was given this invaluable gift, receiving guidance just the way I needed. Within that there were three aspects that made the difference. Firstly, inditing in looking from direct experience replaced looking at life from a still self-referencing point of view, actually making it redundant/obsolete. Secondly, was seeing through "I"-thoughts, and simply recognizing them as just another thought-content, but a tricky, powerful one that keeps the illusion re-affirming itself. Looking at the first two now, they seem to be seeing through the 'object' and the 'subject' of the illusion and how these mutually condition themselves. Thirdly, there was what I call 'worry-energy' which habitually kept (and still keeps) visiting me, undermining my experiencing, in a way a kind of nagging doubt, questioning whether I was really sure about what I saw. By seeing through this something shifted towards simply trusting direct experience and coming from 'there'.


6) When you say "I", what are you referring to?

Using language as way of communication is bound to be dualistic and imply separation. So it depends from 'where' talking comes from. In the illusion of separate self "I" refers to that illusionary self, believing that there really 'is' a self, be it fixed or fluid or permanent or temporary or whatever. When talking from direct experience, having seen through the illusion of separate self, saying "I" no longer refers to that illusionary self. However, in order to communicate with words I still have to use those words, though within that it is possible to use words in a more poetic way to point beyond the literal 'meaning' the word usually carries. When I say "I" a 'summarizing' is happening, of all the sensations experienced, into conventionally recognizable labels, describing a process that 'this' body-mind with a certain name/label is going through, and exchanging it with 'other' body-minds. Language is invaluable when it comes to the practicalities of life, but has a price that comes with it resulting in the belief of a separate self and all its implications - unless seen through.


7) Is there an experiencer experiencing, or is there only experience? Actually look. Does experience belong to the body, or does the body belong to experience?

In direct experience there is no experiencer and within that there is no 'body', there are only sensations experienced that get lumped together into thought-labels, for example 'body'. Even 'experience' is a label, all that 'happens' is presence / awareness, and, stretching language to its limits, 'experience' is awareness 'awaring itself'.


8) What did you experience at the moment you awoke?

I can't tell an exact moment, it was gradual. I realised it only afterwards, when I felt this sense of relief as if a weight was lifting from my shoulders. The days before I had a sensed that keep looking from direct experience would probably 'take over'. And there was this sense of confidence and trust that was growing independently of any reference points. At some point I 'knew' I had 'crossed a line' - it was so incredibly simple.


9) Describe your experience in the hours and days following awakening

Realizing that I had crossed a line was accompanied with joy, not very bubbly but still, and also lots of gratitude welling up. Tears were rolling over my cheeks when taking in the amount of relief. In the following hours and days I simply enjoyed the sensations experienced, in a way celebrating them and experiencing them at times more intensely. Especially the first days felt like looking at life around me afresh - just looking with curiosity - with a somehow shifted 'perspective'. Now, some weeks later, the sense of calm and peace and gratitude hasn't left. As has the sense of trust, it seems to be growing still. Much of what I do probably looks like before. I find myself still doing more or less the same things, many habits keep habiting and worry-energy is sometimes stirring. Noticing habitual energies at work makes me aware of their circular power, they tend to go round in circles, and 'invite' selfing. This can feel quite uncomfortable at times, but in direct experience they loose their power.

[jowate]

Dear Ana,

This is really beautifully expressed - much appreciative happiness 'here' <3

I'll check in with Shell & I'm sure we'll submit this for confirmation soon.

Much love, T 'n Shell

[Ana]

Dear T. 'n Shell,

just a quick hello to say that I'm back in Christchurch - until I'll leave for India on 20th February.
Dear Shell, I decided to respond to your last post in a private message, auf Deutsch.

Much love and gratitude

Ana