How do I return to Pure Awareness?

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Only this morning I understood what you meant by the following:

You write: If experience is unmediated by concepts, it is direct. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean the self-view has gone, in itself.

So here I am. Back to "Start" , taking stock of what is:

Stillness and Peace fills the present Moment and dissolves.

When I ask - where is Angelika? - I sense what can be called "No-Thing".

For the last few days, a physical sensation which could be called "anger" has come up for hours, has been followed by resistance, and has returned to anger.... dissolves and arises once more.

It is like being helpless in a storm.

Thank you. for listing!

I am very grateful!

Will return later to report further.

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

It is like being helpless in a storm.

It is! No-one is angry, no-one is 'doing' anger. No 'you' to do that or anything. Notice ... it just arises of its own accord, and ceases of its own accord. Life just happens. That's all you need to notice. No 'you' there ... ever.

Warm wishes,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John!

Thank you very much for your reply.

"Life just happens. That's all you need to notice. No 'you' there ... ever."

"I" have plenty arisings taking place which I could name "The End Of My World."

Old structures are breaking down, and so do relationships.

A pile of ruins is growing daily.

I keep on focusing and observing "Life happening".

As as I mentioned before . . . a storm happens.

I look for ego self.

Will return later to report further.

Thank you very much for your guidance!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[Angelika]

Hello John,

The storm has ceased. Peace and Stillness arose and is Now.

When the storm was the strongest I kept asking the question, "where is the self?". The answer was a sensation of Nothing, like when I ask, "Where is Angelika?"

Feeling tired Now.

With deep gratitude and appreciation for your guidance,

I remain,

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

This is good. Are you through with the self-belief? Is there any remnant of that at all, any doubt, or any lurking belief that it must be around somewhere?

Warm wishes,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Thank you for your answer! :)

Your question: Are you through with the self-belief?

On the conceptual level of knowledge and acceptance "I " fully see that there is no "I" = ego self = persona, ever.

When ever Peace arises in the present moment there is no self belief experienced.

. . .

However, if turbulent life situations arise in the present moment, it takes a while to return to "NoThing" no-self.

A few minutes ago I took a break to sit outside.
We live on a hill in a forest area.
Where I sit outside I look at a set of trees.

The oak tree is the highest tree.
One moment I looked at the oak tree and the treetop was slightly hidden by waft of mist.
Next moment the air was clear and I could see the crown of the tree clearly.

In the very next moment the waft of mist returned and also passed once more.

. . .

Let´s say that the oak tree stands for the NoThing, the no-self,

sometimes wafts of mist ( ego self ) pass by and the view to NoThing is less clear.

As the mist passes by the view is clear again.


My question is,

Is there self belief hiding somewhere in me?

My answer is, Yes most probably.

Ego self appears as the mist appears and it passes by as the mist does.


Can you help me with this?

Will return later for further report.

Thank you very much indeed!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

I think there is a significant point here that would benefit from some more focussed and direct looking:

When the self / self-view is seen through, it’s known to be non-existent even though experiences or behaviours associated with ‘self’ are still happening.

These experiences and habitual behaviours are what ‘self’ has always been imputed onto. In Buddhist terms, they are sankharas. Seeing through the self-view doesn’t stop these behaviours in their tracks, so to speak. They continue, often just as before, but the seeing through of the existence of any separate ‘self’ cuts them at the root. And eventually they will run out of ‘juice’ and dry up – fade away.

Is there self belief hiding somewhere in me?

It seems to me you need to question this again. Really question it: Is what appears really what you call ‘ego self’ or is it just an appearance that the mind labels ‘ego self’. As if the mist takes a certain shape, and the mind labels it ‘animal’ or ‘bird’ … but it’s nothing but mist!

Likewise, what appears is nothing other than sensations, perceptions, feelings and thoughts in a certain familiar configuration, but the mind labels it ‘self’ or ‘ego’ or 'me'.

Can you see that whatever it appears to be, it is never, ever ego or self? It can’t be – there never is or was such an entity as ego or self.

If you suppose that the appearances of ‘ego’ or ‘self’ have to stop altogether and forever, you’ll miss the point of the gate completely, you’ll never ‘get it’. The gate is initial awakening (or stream entry in Buddhist terms) – not full awakening (or Buddhahood). What you’re looking for is more or less what would characterise full awakening.

The gate is seeing through the view (that there is a real self) not the complete cessation of 'selfing' or the kinds of behaviours upon which the mind imputes 'ego-activity'

Read and consider this very carefully and then look directly at your experience. What I’ve just written is what you have to see - it's very, very close, just look!

All good wishes,

John

[Angelika]

"If you wish to practice then let the seen be merely what is seen,
the heard be merely what is heard,
that sensed be merely what is sensed,
that conceptualized rest merely in the act of conceptualization.

Practicing in this way with no grasping, no holding on,
you will see that you are not ‘because of that’,
that ‘you are not in that’,
then you will be neither here not beyond nor in between the two.
Just a never ending awareness of a forever changing field of experience.
Just this is the end of suffering.

And then, and then…well …then there’s the empty joy of not knowing, the ability to love in equanimity."

. . .

Hello John,

The Sutra above I received this morning.

This is what you are telling about, isn´t it?

Will return later to answer properly.

Thank you for Every Thing and No Thing!

With deep appreciation,

Angelika

[jowate]

Yes, that's one of my all time favourite teachings from the Buddha. It expresses the essence of all that's needed to be seen / looked at / seen through. Here's another translation of it which I find very clear:

"Then, Bāhiya, you should train yourself thus: In reference to the seen, there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard. In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. In reference to the cognized, only the cognized. That is how you should train yourself. When for you there will be only the seen in reference to the seen, only the heard in reference to the heard, only the sensed in reference to the sensed, only the cognized in reference to the cognized, then, Bāhiya, there is no you in connection with that. When there is no you in connection with that, there is no you there. When there is no you there, you are neither here nor yonder nor between the two. This, just this, is the end of stress [dukkha, unsatisfactoriness, suffering]."

Warm wishes,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Since yesterday we are in the center of a rather huge family crises reg. my daughter (skipping) school. Will write back as soon as I can.

Thank you so much!

Very Sincerely, Angelika

[jowate]

Hi Angelika,

Don't be concerned about not being able to write at the moment. Sorry to hear you have a crisis on hand, hope you can resolve things relatively straightforwardly. Just get back when you are good and ready.

Wishing you well,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Thank you for your kind reply from yesterday.

Today I experience the aftermath of the crisis, less emotions & less thoughts come and go.

My daughter and I spend as much time as possible just sitting with each other and earlier today she came up with a few possible solutions.

In the last few days that what was felt inside my body had a strong, partly violent quality. Anger, fear, rage, etc. alternated with feelings of resistance.

Will rest this evening and do some yoga next.

Tomorrow I ´ll reply to your posts from Oct, 25th and 28th.

Thank you very much for listening and responding,

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

I hope things are settling down at home. Take your time with responding - do whatever is needed. I'm checking for notifications daily and I'll be here when you're able to post.

Warm wishes,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Thank you for writing to me. :)

One matter clears up, dissolves and the next matter appears.

My daughter feels better, we are looking for other possible school options.

Now an old matter / conflict pattern with her father (and I) appears once more and along come strong feelings of sadness, fear, anger, rage and desperation.

What helps is to work barefoot in the autumn garden. :)

Will return to report further.

Thank you so much for listening!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

PS: Living happens.

[jowate]

Living happens

Indeed it does. And that is all!

Kind regards,

John