The Gate

Keep exploring the sensations in direct experience, what is actually here beneath each label?

There is more attention to the sensations now, and the pressure in the chest has been noticed more clearly. However, descriptions immediately come up, as pressure, warmth, localized and constant contraction. and it's associated with the label anxiety.
It has been very uncomfortable, and I know this cannot be described as direct experience, and it's so uncomfortable that there is a desire to be distracted from it, by eating or drinking something or watching a movie, scrolling...
I have seen Ilona doing an exercise where you look at the unpleasant sensation and you ask questions like what you want to tell me, what is your msg..I tried that and it felt so deep, closed, hidden, it didn't want to say anything, just to hide, not to be seen. Not sure if I shouldn't be doing this by myself or if that was the real message. And clearly this is not just direct experience as you had suggested I focused on. But even so, I've been focusing on it, on the direct experience, which again has been uncomfortable.
When you asked me about the sensation in the body while trying to sleep, it was unpleasant as well. There was the mind trying to calm the body down, trying to control it and not being able to it, wanting the body to relax to sleep and the body was agitated and not responding to the mind, which made it freak out"

Notice what is present in the body and other senses when it is used and when it isn’t used… is there a difference?

Yes, when I don't use the "I" it feels more impersonal. Every time you ask me about the sensation in the body it's kind of tricky, I do notice a difference, but now I'm trying to figure it out as direct experience.... I guess the body gets more relaxed...

Let me know how it goes and what you notice.

I did the exercise, and I marked all the thoughts in the self column. There were thoughts like "did I understand the exercise right?" this I knew what a "self" thought, but "what would be considered an "other" thought?"I also marked as a self, because it was a question related to "me" understanding the exercise ( but I'm not sure now). Also in a moment where I heard someone coming, there was a thought "who is coming?" that I wasn't sure if it was self thought, but in the end it was associated with someone coming and interrupting me doing the exercise, so I added it to the self column... But besides those questions I could notice how much thoughts are associated with me me me. it was interesting

Very very good looking Daniela.

There is more attention to the sensations now, and the pressure in the chest has been noticed more clearly. However, descriptions immediately come up, as pressure, warmth, localized and constant contraction. and it's associated with the label anxiety.

Is the contraction protecting something? Is there anything behind or underneath it? Take a look.

It has been very uncomfortable, and I know this cannot be described as direct experience, and it's so uncomfortable that there is a desire to be distracted from it,

Yes. Are you able to be with it, without it needing to change? Not needing anything to be different… to sit in the gap a but longer before reaching for a distraction. Will it actually cause harm? or is there only the thought of harm?

Yes, when I don't use the "I" it feels more impersonal. Every time you ask me about the sensation in the body it's kind of tricky, I do notice a difference, but now I'm trying to figure it out as direct experience.... I guess the body gets more relaxed...

The body is more relaxed with I or without? Where in the body is the relaxation noticed or occurring?

besides those questions I could notice how much thoughts are associated with me me me. it was interesting

Yes. This is the purpose of the exercise. :)

Do you have any control or agency over all these me me me thoughts?

PS. Ilona’s exercise is a very good one. Feel free to continue to explore that with the contraction in the chest.
One thing I like to mention is that any answer given is usually not in words. It could be a memory, an emotion that reminds you of something, or it could be the absence of an answer. The important thing is not what comes but the practice of sitting with it, sending love and gratitude, and allowing it to be seen.

Thank you very much Becca, Your guidance has been crucial.

Is the contraction protecting something?

Yes, there is a deep pain underneath, but I cannot tell what. This weekend I had a sound healing ceremony with magic mushrooms - just a small dose, so I was "high" but still "rational" - and I was asking this contraction what it was about, there was a deep looking into it, however, it was so closed, so hidden, it didn't want to open up at all. Actually it felt like it was being threatened and scared with this deep looking. During the session, what came to me was a situation I'm going thought with my stepson, who has depression and anxiety, and just wants to be locked in his room. I feel very anxious about it because I want to help, I want him to come out, and I want him to know that he doesn't have to hide from us, that we're here to support him. But he can't, doesn't want to, isn't ready for it. and pushing him isn't helping. So understood that respecting his time and being compassionate about it is the best I can do. Looking at my stepson's pain, was like looking at this contraction in my chest, it wants to hide, a deep pain that's scared of being seen, and I was trying to just be with it and be compassionated about it, letting it be there.
I know this's very psychological rather than objective observation, but it's related to your last msg about Ilona's exercise.
Besides that, during the trip I was just asking for liberation from the illusion of self - lol, I was praying and trying to apply what you have been teaching me . Besides the fact that there is determination to see the truth, that there's no way back, and maybe this's good, but at the same time it's kind of an obsession that comes with frustration. Maybe it's another pattern of mine - that things have to be hard, painful, instead of light and fun.

to sit in the gap a but longer before reaching for a distraction. Will it actually cause harm? or is there only the thought of harm?

Yes, there is now a bigger gap, there's more attention to the discomfort. It doesn't' cause harm, but there're only thoughts of harm and the thoughts are associated with the discomfort.

The body is more relaxed with I or without? Where in the body is the relaxation noticed or occurring?

The body is more relaxed without the "I". I notice it when typing is happening, like now, the immediate thought of writing "when I type" , and the change to "typing is happening" - there's already a lightness . Same when reading is happening with the intention to pay attention to the sensations.

Do you have any control or agency over all these me me me thoughts?

not at all, and that's becoming clear.

Yesterday I went to the park to watch the sunset, with the intention to just be present and observe things - thoughts, everything happening by itself. I was relaxed and it was much easier to just be with the flow: thoughts were happening, sensations were being felt, movement was happening. It was quite beautiful. There wasn't any big realization, but there is a perception or acceptance in thinking about this non-self, thoughts like this make sense, obviously there is no thoughts' controller, or movement's controller, the harmony in which everything occurs can't have an "I" controlling it, things are just happening. And besides the thoughts, the noticing from my senses about everything else happening too.

The body is more relaxed without the "I". I notice it when typing is happening, like now, the immediate thought of writing "when I type" , and the change to "typing is happening" - there's already a lightness .

Yes, ‘I’ is a lie and the body knows the truth, which is expansive and open. So the body is a lie detector.
Check this out in the everyday world… as events and thoughts pass by, what happens in the body?

The same with the contraction. What lie is it made out of, what does it feed on?

Yesterday I went to the park to watch the sunset, with the intention to just be present and observe things - thoughts, everything happening by itself. I was relaxed and it was much easier to just be with the flow: thoughts were happening, sensations were being felt, movement was happening. It was quite beautiful

More of this too… :D

events and thoughts pass by, what happens in the body?

I have been trying to be more attentive about sensations in the body. It was interesting to notice the difference how I feel when I write as I or as things happening by themselves, but still challenging to identify what and where in the body.It's clear that one feels better, lighter, good, the other feels tense, anxious, but what exactly I'm feeling in the body, how I can tell that this isan anxious feeling or a relaxed feeling still subtle , but regardless I'm putting some attention to that.

The same with the contraction. What lie is it made out of, what does it feed on?

Yesterday I felt this contraction and I had this urge to have a drink, I needed to relax. Again, there was the contraction in the chest, but I couldn't tell exactly what else the body was doing that I could tell that I was tense. But before I went to the park just to be present, and to stay with the discomfort. I could notice that there is a big fear or avoidance of the "emptiness" or not be doing something. And I think I brought this here before. I came back from work really tired, no energy to do anything else, but doing nothing just freaks me out, as if I can't even conceive this idea, as if it's impossible not to be doing anything, the mind immediately comes with a plan to do something, even if it's going to the park t o just be in nature - even that was a goal, a practice, one more checkmark on things done - and at the park, what you gonna do next? I brought a book - I want to finish the book, reading in English helps to improve my vocabulary, checkmark - and keep going like that the whole day. Even now in the morning, I wake up and immediately comes the thoughts about what can I do while in bed, or in the time I have before leaving for work....And I guess eating and drinking is a way to literally fill this emptiness that scares me so much.

You noticed no activity, then contraction, then urge to fill the space.

So next time it happens, just stop. FEEL the contraction without doing anything about it.
What happens before the next urge to do something?

When you say, “doing nothing just freaks me out,” what exactly is present in the nothing before the words “freaks me out”?
Is there actually an “emptiness” there? Or is there sensation + an immediate cascade of thoughts about what should happen next?

If you stay paused right there, suspended, what actually happens to the sensation?
Does it remain exactly as it was? Does it intensify? Move?
Disappear? Change into something else?

That was one of the first times that I could really stay with the sensation without the impulse to do something or eating something. It was interesting just to notice that, amplifying the gap. And once the attention was on the contraction, it became more perceptible, I don't think it intensified or I was just taking a good look at it, and what subsided was the impulse to do something. I could see that it was just a contraction and then I got distracted with something else.

Is there actually an “emptiness” there? Or is there sensation + an immediate cascade of thoughts about what should happen next?

Yes, that is it. And the sensation is this contraction that sometimes is just in the chest and sometimes it expands through my throat.
I noticed that in some circumstances there are just thoughts happening, as everything else, and they seem random and there is no identification. However, when it's about this type of thoughts, about the emptiness, what to do next, the urge to eat something, I'm so identify with them, that the reaction and perceptions are so different, even "trying to practice" just observing how they occur spontaneously, for these ones it really feels that I'm that and I should be doing something about it. As if I wanted to have a different response, - don't eat - but "I can't control myself ", but I should be able to.

Very good. So taking a closer look, is it that these voices (thoughts) are controlling these behaviors in any way? Try this out.

Get two foods you like, one that is a 'bad' food, like a piece of chocolate and the other a 'good food,' like a piece of apple. Thoughts might come up while looking at them saying stuff about eating one or the other. Eventually one of them will get eaten first.

Look carefully for any evidence in direct experience to see if those thoughts controlled the behavior rather than just guessing and commentating what might happen.

it that these voices (thoughts) are controlling these behaviors in any way?

No, and I guess I wish! lol I'm saying this because the thoughts are that I should be eating natural, healthier food, doing fasting, not drinking, eating less junk,... if the thoughts were controlling it, in this case I would have a very balanced diet.

Look carefully for any evidence in direct experience to see if those thoughts controlled the behavior rather than just guessing and commentating what might happen

I need to do this again. I was sitting with carrots and a croissant in front of me, trying to pay attention in direct experience, but I knew I would pick the croissant. Then at some point during the meal I decided to grab a carrot, just to test what is controlling what and what I was experiencing. I couldn't find a controller, but I was also not sure if I notice anything in my senses.
This thing with food is so interesting because the impulse is so fast and automatic that there isn't much space for observation. It's Interesting how challenging this topic is for me. But another thing that I notice is the pleasure I feel while chewing , how satisfying it is (though it's followed by guilt).
Also, I wanted to share that yesterday I went for a road trip with my family, my husband was driving and I was just observing what was happening in my body. I noticed the contraction in my chest, I wasn't stress, irritated or anxious, but the tension in the chest was there the whole trip. I was calm and just noticing it. I noticed its constancy, maybe if I keep my attention on it , I can notice it presence for most of my day, maybe the whole time, not sure..
And a question I have about it is: should I just focus on the direct experience or should enquire what it has to say? I've tried both, but when I start to enquire, the thoughts take over and I became too cerebral and confused.