good place

[daisyrain]

Oh, what remains without thought is everything as it was. Somehwo that feels suprising

[daisyrain]

Before the thought "I am arriving" there is arriving.
Before the thought of being, everything just is.

it's like I can listen to the gap without a gap in a way.

I'm not sure this has been understood.
Becca, I'm never sure of anything, do you know what helps? It feels like it comes into play here.

[daisyrain]

It felt like not just listening, but also experiencing sight more directly was only possible, if I somewhat let go of maintaining myself. Anyway, I tried and quickly felt like I was absolutely suffocating. Breathing worked, but it felt absolutely like I'm running out of oxygen

[graceabounds]

Oh, what remains without thought is everything as it was.

Yes exactly. Nothing changes.

Before the thought "I am arriving" there is arriving.
Before the thought of being, everything just is.

Exactly. And does this exist even with the overlay of thoughts coming and going?

Becca, I'm never sure of anything, do you know what helps?

Just keep looking… doubt is also just a thought arising and passing. Who is identified with this thought?

It felt like not just listening, but also experiencing sight more directly was only possible, if I somewhat let go of maintaining myself. Anyway, I tried and quickly felt like I was absolutely suffocating. Breathing worked, but it felt absolutely like I'm running out of oxygen

This is the doorway…
THERE WAS NEVER A SELF TO MAINTAIN. That was always an illusion. The system is trying to maintain something that doesn’t exist and never existed and is losing equilibrium. This is normal. Keep looking.

What is here that is not a thought?

[daisyrain]

Does this exist even with the overlay of thoughts coming and going?

It's not gone

[daisyrain]

It seems to me a little like a pendulum; I feel completely disconnected from the practice, then the practice works wonders, and then I feel like I'm back at square zero. (Each day is a little like that)

Today I think the ego here is really driving up. I feel annoyance at so many things.
It pushes me back in the senses, but I'm writing this, because I think there is a connection to the practice, and frankly, I don't know why. I want to communicate that I'm trying, even though it feels so much like failing a lot. There's so much feeling of failing.

[graceabounds]

Today I think the ego here is really driving up. I feel annoyance at so many things.

Great, how is annoyance known? What happens?

it feels so much like failing a lot. There's so much feeling of failing

where is failing in the body?

[daisyrain]

How ist annoyance known?

I can find a thought saying "this feeling is annoyance".

This feeling seems to be composed of various physical sensations.
Pressure on the face and body. Like Touch.
I can feel relaxation in my heart feeling my face.
No proof of annoyance found.

The feeling still lingers.
There seems to be a much smaller and less obvious thought saying "I'm annoyed"

[daisyrain]

failing in the body?

In the legs. The sensation seems to be the skin. It's pleasant. There's a thought as well, but they are not connected

[daisyrain]

So I found a thought saying "there is annoyance", but it was just this referencing mechanism, this extrapolating and going on a search on my part that made it annoying.

Without me doing work to glue it to anything, it's just empty and silent here.

The thought comes, "But what if I'm not seeing this tomorrow?" And upon inspection, it's the same.
It hints at something that isn't here, but by falling for it and looking, I'm doing mental gymnastics to make it seem true and logical.

"But why am I losing this?", huh, this feels true.
Oh, "this feels true" is holding it in place.


- "I should apply myself here"
- "I'm not applying myself here"
- "that's true"
body sensation
- "but what if Becca thinks I AM not applying myself here"
- "oh no"
sensations

it goes on, it's interesting

[graceabounds]

Yes, nothing found, just sensations, emptiness. Very interesting these sabotage thoughts when there was some clarity, right?

When the thought says “I should apply myself,” notice that movement:
Do you do something to make it about you? Or is it just a thought with a flavor, a sensation, a habit of sticking?
What’s actually required for that stickiness to seem real?


Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?
Let me know how you go and what you notice.


When you don’t reach out, don’t glue, and don’t chase What’s left?
Anything left to “apply yourself” to?
Any self left to “do better”?
Or is it just… not here? Not anywhere?

Don’t let any answer form as a concept.
Look.
If a sensation comes, just stay with the rawness.
Stay right at the edge of that urge to glue.

Where is the “you” in any of it, except as a story told afterward?

[daisyrain]

very time you have a thought, make a mark on the sheet.

So far I have a little over 30 thoughts in total, 2/3 are on the self side.
This left me wondering. I'll repeat the exercise.

A lot of thoughts on the "other" side were difficult to tell from self thoughts.
"this is easy" came occasionally. I think some of that might be self related (e.g. this was easy for me).
Then again some thoughts felt objectively about other things ("these crosses are pretty").

my back hurts

It sure does.

Do you do something to make it about you? Or is it just a thought with a flavor, a sensation, a habit of sticking?
What’s actually required for that stickiness to seem real?

It seems thoughts can trick into looking what the thought refers to and creating new thoughts seeming connected.
Today I notice a tiredness and unwillingness to play this game, and am left with this slightly coarse or sticky sensation.
Huh, body shakes.

[daisyrain]

Do you do something to make it about you? Or is it just a thought with a flavor, a sensation, a habit of sticking?
What’s actually required for that stickiness to seem real?

Oh maybe there is no glue at all, maybe it's all just the assumption of glue, and the habit of going along with thoughts and laying the groundwork for them to seem more connected, than they are.

When the thought says “I should apply myself,” notice that movement:

There is a sensation in the body, it's small and not of importance, but enough for a thought to claim it as proof!

[daisyrain]

Trying to stay on the edge starts to feel like the same exercise as listening to the gap between thoughts.

Also worries were driving me crazy today. But really, all of them were about "me".

[graceabounds]

Very good.

I think some of that might be self related (e.g. this was easy for me).

Yes exactly. There is an implied (and imaginary) self who is taking credit for it being easy.

Today I notice a tiredness and unwillingness to play this game, and am left with this slightly coarse or sticky sensation.
Huh, body shakes.

When some of this illusion begins to fall there can be resistance. Glad there was continued engagement.
Also the body shaking is a natural part of the process.

Here is an exercise which examines the way in which the mind labels experience - it takes about 20 minutes and you will need a pen a paper.
This exercise is broken into 10 minute lots. For each 10 minute period pay attention to any bodily sensation ie is there any tightening, or any relaxing?

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.
For example: I am sitting on a chair, I am hearing a clock ticking, I am looking at a computer screen, I am feeling hungry. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just a plain description of your experience right here and now.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs. For example: sitting on a chair, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the clock. (Again, watch what is happening in the body.)

At the end of the twenty minutes compare the two ways in which the experience was labeled and answer the following four questions:
1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?