Help!

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Right now, close your eyes for a moment.
Notice sensations, sounds, thoughts. Let them appear and disappear.
Now, turn attention toward what you’ve been calling “the watcher.”
Where does awareness begin? Where does it end?
Sit until it expands again like yesterday… boundary-less, without edges.
Is there a “you” that has awareness?
Or is there JUST THIS, and everything — thoughts, sensations, sounds, even the sense of a watcher — appears within it?

Thats a really good question!
At first if I listen to a sound, only the sound is there, with some awareness, then that witness or a sense of more awareness steps in and I notice an expansion of sensation. If I turn my attention to seeing at first that watcher is not apparent until I look for it!
Once found it is there while I do the sensation exercises and stays on! When I get back to the thinking stage it is gone, temporarily. It's like a switch being turned on and off.



The "you" is getting less and less apparent with sensations, almost like its fading away. The awareness is there because when I begin to think, I say to myself, there's a thought and I go to a happy more relaxed place, a fishpond located in my building. All of the thoughts that come and go, have not consciously been put in my head. They come from someplace else.
A lot of times If I hold my breath or chant OHM, I can stay in no thought for a while and just experience sensations without thought. Correct me if I'm wrong but that chant is useful in quieting the mental noise.

My perspective on everything has been slowly changing, accepting "What is" and not fighting the flow, being the watcher has initiated more a feeling of everything just is! The awareness of content of thought including judgement has been very interesting and has gotten my attention. If my thoughts are of a judgmental kind, I now notice most of them! Some escape because so many thoughts enter the mind while not asleep.
Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Really lovely looking!

All of the thoughts that come and go, have not consciously been put in my head. They come from someplace else.

Exactly. This is one of the simplest but deepest recognitions : thoughts just happen. They’re not “yours.” They appear, stay a bit, dissolve. Same with sensations, sounds, feelings.

Here’s the thing though…
If the thoughts just happen, and there why go to such lengths to quiet them?

You don’t need no thought to recognize no self. :)
OM is useful because it slows everything down to do what is happening now: LOOKing directly and seeing through all these stories.

It's like a switch being turned on and off.

So if the watcher can be turned on and off, what then?

At first if I listen to a sound, only the sound is there, with some awareness, then that witness or a sense of more awareness steps in and I notice an expansion of sensation. If I turn my attention to seeing at first that watcher is not apparent until I look for it!

Even when the “watcher” hasn’t been “found,” the sound is still known.
SO…
Awareness was already there before the watcher appeared.

This points to something important: the watcher isn’t the awareness — it’s a subtle mental construct, an intermediate stage. Pure knowing doesn’t come and go.

My perspective on everything has been slowly changing, accepting "What is" and not fighting the flow, being the watcher has initiated more a feeling of everything just is!

Is there actually a “watcher” separate from what’s watched?
Or is there just one seamless field of knowing, with no center, no edges, no “someone” behind it?

just seeing … without a seer…
just hearing … without a hearer…
just thoughts arising … without a thinker…

Everything just is indeed.

[Porky]

Exactly. This is one of the simplest but deepest recognitions : thoughts just happen. They’re not “yours.” They appear, stay a bit, dissolve. Same with sensations, sounds, feelings.

Here’s the thing though…
If the thoughts just happen, and there why go to such lengths to quiet them?

Because that is not what the me/I want to concentrate on. If I let them bombard my mind and I don't put a stop to them, then Prescence no longer exists, and I'm lost in the past or future.

So if the watcher can be turned on and off, what then?

I have become attached to the watcher, and now whenever I experience presence, it is there. Last night when I was BBQing by the fishpond, it was a completely new experience. I had never seen the colors, fish, plants, ripples of the water in such a way, and the watcher was there assisting me. Now I realize more and more the watcher will not be needed and I will be on my own. Yet it's like a teacher is there showing me the way. It's not there 100% of the time and I continually slip into judgement and thought as I go about my day. When the chores are done and I concentrate on sensations, that's when the lessons begin.

Is there actually a “watcher” separate from what’s watched?
Or is there just one seamless field of knowing, with no center, no edges, no “someone” behind it?

The watcher. at times, feels like energy of some sort, not connected to anything, just seems to emanate from itself. This description is hard to put into words, as I said above, I am in new territory here!

That does feel right. That there is no center, no edges, no someone behind it!

[graceabounds]

If I let them bombard my mind and I don't put a stop to them, then Prescence no longer exists, and I'm lost in the past or future.

Can presence actually vanish? Or is it simply overlooked when thought-stories are believed?

Is there anything here besides:
sensation in the body,
sound, sight, smell, taste,
and this thought about “past/future”?

Other than thought saying so, are you lost anywhere at all?

It's not there 100% of the time and I continually slip into judgement and thought as I go about my day. When the chores are done and I concentrate on sensations, that's when the lessons begin.

Who exactly is slipping? Can you actually find that one? Or is there only thought claiming a slip, after the fact?

This very moment—whether folding laundry, typing, or judging yourself—is it lacking the same raw immediacy as fishpond ripples?

Take a few relaxed breaths to let the dust settle for a while, and then:
Look on your right.
Then look on your left.
Finally, bring your head back to centre, close your eyes and look in front.

Okay, so when you look on the right, the view on the right is seen (whatever that is).
When you look on the left, the view on the left is seen (whatever that is).
And then, when you look in front of you with eyes closed, the view in front is seen (ie ‘black space’).

So, when the view on the right is seen, do you have the ‘choice’ not to see? I’m not asking can you ‘choose’ to see something else like another view or ‘black space’ if you close your eyes. The question is; can you turn seeing off? Can you NOT see what is seen?
Same thing with the view on the left, can you NOT see the view on the left?
Same thing with the view in front with closed eyes, can you NOT see the ‘black space’?
Can you turn off seeing?
What did the 'chooser' choose? Did a 'self' choose something?
If you are unable to choose what you're aware of, then what else is there to choose?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Can presence actually vanish. Or is it simply overlooked when thought stories are believed?

Prescence cannot vanish. As you are saying its overlooked when thought stories take over consciousness temporarily.

Is there anything here besides:
sensation in the body,
sound, sight, smell, taste,
and this thought about “past/future”?

Nope, there is nothing else. There seems to be nothing but this moment. If I think about the past, I am experiencing it in this moment.

Other than thought saying so, are you lost anywhere at all?

No, not really lost, just temporarily unconscious.

Who exactly is slipping? Can you actually find that one? Or is there only thought claiming a slip, after the fact?

It's really what I'm aware of that slips. Yes, it's only thought claiming a slip.

This very moment—whether folding laundry, typing, or judging yourself—is it lacking the same raw immediacy as fishpond ripples?

Watching the fishpond ripples and the quality of the seeing was different than I've ever seen it before. I'm not sure words can describe the sensation. It was definitely different then typing.

Take a few relaxed breaths to let the dust settle for a while, and then:
Look on your right.
Then look on your left.
Finally, bring your head back to centre, close your eyes and look in front.

Okay, so when you look on the right, the view on the right is seen (whatever that is).
When you look on the left, the view on the left is seen (whatever that is).
And then, when you look in front of you with eyes closed, the view in front is seen (ie ‘black space’).

So, when the view on the right is seen, do you have the ‘choice’ not to see?

No, with eyes open, seeing is happening, I can close my eyes and that's the only way I can't see what I was looking at.

The question is; can you turn seeing off? Can you NOT see what is seen?

No, you cannot turn seeing off. No, once you have seen it you cannot unsee it!

Same thing with the view on the left, can you NOT see the view on the left?

No, once I've looked to the left the image is there, and I have seen it.

Same thing with the view in front with closed eyes, can you NOT see the ‘black space’?

The black space is there. I can't NOT see it!

Can you turn off seeing?

No

What did the 'chooser' choose? Did a 'self' choose something?

No, seeing just is. There wasn't a choice of what was seen.

If you are unable to choose what you're aware of, then what else is there to choose?

Nothing

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Perfect. You see it.
Presence can’t vanish. Not even for a nanosecond.
You don’t fall out of this. You get addicted to the movie. You forget it’s a movie. That’s all.

it's only thought claiming a slip.

YES.

Now keep digging there:
Right now, can you find a “you” that slipped?
Or is there only a narration happening (after the fact) about “a slip”?

Go back into the most recent moment of apparent “unconsciousness”. Revisit it.
Where is the actual point where presence left?
Not imagined. Not a story.Where is the actual absence?

It's really what I'm aware of that slips

That’s just a shape-shifting version of the seeker identity.
You’re still assuming there’s a “you” somewhere in the mix… behind awareness, or owning awareness, or managing what “you’re aware of”.

Right now, without using memory or imagination:
Where is this “I” that is aware of?
Pinpoint it.

Where exactly is the center of awareness?
Where is the knower?
Where is the one doing the looking?
Where is the “inside”?


Look right here:

seeing just is. There wasn't a choice of what was seen.

Then what’s left to claim?

If no one chooses what’s seen,
If no one chooses what is present,
Then what is this “you” that claims awakening, seeking, slipping, or watching?

Where is the doer?
Where is the one that is practicing presence?
Where is the one that thinks it needs to maintain presence?

If no self was ever doing any of it…
Why are you still rehearsing the story of waking up?
Who is “having” awakening?
Isn’t that just more narration?

Let it go quiet for just a second.
Right now.
Nothing to do.
No one to be.
Just this.

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Now keep digging there:
Right now, can you find a “you” that slipped?

No, I can't find a "you" that has slipped. It's more of a shift from conscious to unconscious, briefly.

Or is there only a narration happening (after the fact) about “a slip”?

Yes, that's correct. A narration happening.

Go back into the most recent moment of apparent “unconsciousness”. Revisit it.
Where is the actual point where presence left?

There is no exact point. My mind starts to wonder into thought. It feels like a drift and then presence is gone.

Not imagined. Not a story. Where is the actual absence?

Because I'm not sure where it begins only ends, not really sure where the actual absence is. It's just there and noticed when I say something like, "Aha, lost in thought, come back to the moment. This sequence can go on for hours or days, depending on my mental and physical condition. If I'm in pain (which has been intense at times these days) staying in the moment becomes more difficult.

Right now, without using memory or imagination:
Where is this “I” that is aware of?
Pinpoint it.

I'm not sure what to look for! This "I" is an assumption. There is no proof, just theory. Most people believe in an "I" and does it exist? Cannot really find anything like that!

Where exactly is the center of awareness?

There is no center of awareness. It just is! When you ask that question, my being feels the energy of awareness. It doesnt seem to have a beginning or end.

Where is the knower?

No where to be found!

Where is the one doing the looking?

There is no one looking.

Is there someone doing the looking?

Nobody doing the looking

Where is the “inside”?

There is no inside or outside.

Look right here:
seeing just is. There wasn't a choice of what was seen.
Then what’s left to claim?

Nothing

If no one chooses what’s seen,
If no one chooses what is present,
Then what is this “you” that claims awakening, seeking, slipping, or watching?

It appears there is no 'you". Sometimes this is apparent, and when I look in the mirror and ask that question, the answer I get is '"blank" I don't know where 'I" is anymore or who claims anything!

Where is the doer?
Where is the one that is practicing presence?
Where is the one that thinks it needs to maintain presence?

Ah a very good question. If there is no doer or one that needs to maintain presence, then where does this awareness come from? All that is? God? The idea of searching for presence, is not something my human mind would have thought about.
It just happened!

If no self was ever doing any of it…
Why are you still rehearsing the story of waking up?
Who is “having” awakening?
Isn’t that just more narration?

Continuing rehearsing stories has been part of my programming as long as I can remember.
Yes, it is just narrative and how do I "Let that Go?"

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Great, Porky!

Sometimes this is apparent, and when I look in the mirror and ask that question, the answer I get is '"blank" I don't know where 'I" is anymore or who claims anything!

So… let that really sink in. No answer. No separate self. Staring you in the face so to speak.

Now take the mirror away.
Right now, without eyes, mirrors, or concepts:
Where exactly is the one who would “look”?
Where is the one who claims realization?

If there is no doer or one that needs to maintain presence, then where does this awareness come from? All that is? God?

Unanswerable.

Except in thought…. God is a story. Awareness is a label. “Presence” is another concept you learned somewhere.

Strip it all away.
What’s actually here?

Continuing rehearsing stories has been part of my programming as long as I can remember.

Perfect. Now stop right there.

Can you find the one who has programming?
Can you find the one being programmed?
Or is that just another story appearing, and claiming it happened to someone?

If there’s no doer, no one maintaining presence, no self slipping, then tell me—what is left to hold onto?

What is “awakening” now?
What is “you” now?

Be brutally honest. Not with ideas. Not with theory.
But with what’s right here, before the thought arises.

What’s actually here, right now, without a narrator?

[Porky]

Aloha Becca,

Now take the mirror away.
Right now, without eyes, mirrors, or concepts:
Where exactly is the one who would “look”?
Where is the one who claims realization?

Except in thought…. God is a story. Awareness is a label. “Presence” is another concept you learned somewhere.

Strip it all away.
What’s actually here?

Went to a park today with lots of birds, trees and people. I could see how people were lost in thought as they wandered around. But the birds, they seemed oblivious to what was going on around them until they were frightened by a man and they flew away until he left then they came back to eat insects. I know this is a story. Yet it was my experience that the birds had awareness. They got scared and flew away indicating an emotion, fear! Instinct! A primordial emotion

Then I watched a cat poop and cover it up with dirt! Smelling the dirt to make sure all scent was covered up. This is instinct. Survival, so a predator isn't able to track her down and eat her or her children. Another story!
Yet this is Life!
So yes, I agree these are all stories of what is! And being in the moment watching this without a watcher without a self! These events are just happening without a ME directing. It's just happening.
Because we use language to express ourselves labels are somewhat necessary. How else would I be able to tell you what's going on, Grunt.... Oh, that's a label as well. Yet it is a form of communication.

Can you find the one who has programming?
Can you find the one being programmed?
Or is that just another story appearing, and claiming it happened to someone?

Yes, I can. I won't call it me. but it is an entity of some type of energy. How else would we experience life on this earth if we didn't have childhood programming to set us on our way, good or bad. I agree it is an illusion of some kind. A very complex one that is very involved with the evolution of mankind. I know another story, but that's what life is, full of stories of past, present and future. What will letting go of the stories bring? Being in the moment? There is only this moment, I can feel and see that!

If there’s no doer, no one maintaining presence, no self-slipping, then tell me—what is left to hold onto?

What is “awakening” now?
What is “you” now?

I don't know how to put this into words, as there are no words that can express this experience.

Be brutally honest. Not with ideas. Not with theory.
But with what’s right here, before the thought arises.

What’s actually here, right now, without a narrator?

Before the thought arises is silence!

Thanks so much for your help,
Porky

[graceabounds]

Aloha!

Beautiful, Porky.

Right here. this. Before thought. Before commentary. Before the birds and the cat and the idea of fear.

Silence.

This whole thing is not about the stories disappearing, it is about seeing that they ARE stories.


Continuing to look underneath the labels, what is “this moment” and what is “entity of energy”?

Can you find these things? Are they definable?

I don't know how to put this into words, as there are no words that can express this experience.

Yes.
Because there’s no one to experience it.
Only this (the inexplicable, non-happening happening).

No location. No self. No distance. No inside. No outside. No time.
Just the insubstantial suchness of all appearances, ungraspable.

So now, look:
Right now, is there anything missing?
Is there anything that needs to be resolved?
Or is everything, absolutely everything, already included, without effort?

Even the thought “I can’t describe it.”
Even the sensation of “entity.”
Even the impulse to “be in the moment.”
All included.

Nothing to add.
Nothing to hold.
No one to hold it.

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Continuing to look underneath the labels, what is “this moment” and what is “entity of energy”?

As I have said, words cannot express these experiences. They are just happening.

Can you find these things? Are they definable?

No, they are not definable

So now, look:
Right now, is there anything missing?
No
Is there anything that needs to be resolved?
No
Or is everything, absolutely everything, already included, without effort?
[/quote
Without any effort it's all included.

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Lovely.

Is seeking still present?

[Porky]

Is seeking still present?

If you mean, am I still looking? The answer is YES!

[graceabounds]

:)

What is right in front of you as you read this? Sensations, thoughts, images?

If there’s nothing, notice again: Is anything missing?

[Porky]

What is right in front of you as you read this? Sensations, thoughts, images?

Yes, That's it! Only 5 senses and thought.

If there’s nothing, notice again: Is anything missing?

There is nothing missing.