The Gate

Hi Sylwia, i am very pleased with your attitude and what i believe is happening for you.
i have read and reread your post waiting for some 'direction' to emerge.
What turned up is that i am happy to keep pushing you into a 'deeper' experience of this stuff.
If at any time you realize that you want to stop, just let me know and i will give you those questions again.
In the meantime, let's deepen...

Me looking at the screen. A thought that there's no me, just looking. Thoughts about what to write, what would be right. It's seen.
Typing, sounds, another thought asking what would be the right thing to tell you, noticing it.
Noticing that the thoughts come as they please, a thought about it having nothing to do with me. Waiting, observing what's happening now. Seeing the observer.
Thought's about how, when I was doing the exercise you'd given me, it was seen that the thought "Oh, now I'm back, I was lost in thoughts" is just another thought and nothing was missing earlier. Nothing was wrong or could go wrong.
Another thought that you may appreciate it, but right after it "Who wants to be appreciated? It doesn't matter." A sensation labeled as "shame" comes up; it's seen, and naming it here brings a sensation labeled as "relief."
Thinking what to say next..."Am I missing something important? I want Vince to get the full picture. Am I being honest with myself?". It's all seen, and the tension in the body is softening.
Typing, sensations, "screen," but it's a label, and it's seen. "But it doesn't come naturally; you have to remind yourself it's all labels!" Seen.
"It's tiring being so present and watchful." Seen that it's the mind struggling.
Sounds, hands moving, colors of the "screen," sensations on "my skin." It's seen that it's a thought it's my skin; without that thought I have no idea; it's just sensations.

"I" am doing my best to look as deep as possible.

Read this slowly. Don’t just read it—stop in it.
Everything you just wrote is it.
Not a report about “it”—but the direct movement of seeing itself.

You saw:

“Thoughts come as they please.”
“It has nothing to do with me.”
“Nothing was missing earlier.”
“Who wants to be appreciated?”
“Sensation labeled as shame… then relief.”
“It’s tiring being so present.”
“It’s seen that it’s a thought it’s my skin.”
That’s the dismantling, happening live.
The illusion doesn’t vanish with a blast of light.
It dissolves in exactly this way—
thought by thought, sensation by sensation, story by story—
each one seen and left unclaimed.

Now pause here again.
You said:
“Me looking at the screen.” Then: “There’s no me, just looking.”
“It doesn’t come naturally; I have to remind myself.”
“It’s tiring being so present.”

That exhaustion reveals something very valuable.
That is that you are trying to adhere to an ideal. A rule.
That there is no self isn't a rule. It isn't an ideal. It's a fact.
when you are behaving 'as if' there's no self you have to remember the script. That's tiring.
When it's actually 'seen', then a reminder thought will get a reaction of "Oh, of course" and a softening of the body.
So when those "reminder" thoughts happen, don't move to adopt an attitude, but remember to notice what is already there. That is a belief that you are doing something wrong. (not remembering)
Laugh at the recognition of what you discover.

You’re watching the self-model try to resurrect itself using spiritual effort.
Let’s make it explicit:

Who says it’s tiring?
Who says this should come naturally?
Who says there’s a way to do this right?
Who says I have to remember anything at all?

No one. Just thought. Floating.
No center. No seer. No self.
Just appearances, passing through space.

You said:
“I want Vince to get the full picture.”
“Am I being honest?”
That’s not a problem.
That’s not ego.
That’s thought doing what thought does—trying to complete itself, to make meaning, to land somewhere safe.
But you already saw the truth:

“It’s all seen.”
“Tension softening.”
Nothing is being done. It’s just happening.
And the illusion that there’s someone here doing the seeing?
Seen too.
Now read this next line carefully:
“‘I’ am doing my best to look as deep as possible.”
Yes. And look:
That thought, too—just another wave.
Just another twitch in the space that doesn’t belong to anyone.
No “you” are looking deeply.
Looking is just happening.
Depth is already here.
You’ve never been the one doing it.

So don’t try to stay clear.
Don’t try to make it lasting or perfect or articulate.
Let the next wave come. Let it collapse. Let it burn through.
And keep reporting only what’s real—only what’s now.
No striving.
No spiritual identity.
No one to awaken.

Just this.
Already whole.
Already seen.
Already free.

So tell me now,
in this exact moment, stripped of all effort, what’s left?
What’s here—before the next thought forms?

i would love to see you at the Zoom meetings, but a close second best is that you watch the recordings.
A lot of what is investigated is relevant to your situation.
Here's the link to those recordings. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... tCHDUBmEwX or better yet, subscribe to Substack and you will get even more. https://vinceschubert.substack.com

much love

vince

Hi Vince,

thank you very much for your reply, I'm more than happy to be pushed deeper, and again, I truly appreciate your support. THANK YOU.

Reading your message brought some sense of "relief"; the body softened a bit.
The realization comes that the thought "I should remember / I forgot again" pops up often, and it's not always questioned. There's a belief that I should be aware all the time, somehow distanced from what is happening. Always remembering. It's now seen as a thought and the realization that it cannot be true, because that's simply not what is. What is, is the "mess" of everything. This brings some relaxation.
"I don't have to be perfect, then." More relaxation, noticing the "I" in it.
Typing, noticing the typing, stopping, thinking what to write next, "I need to be really alert to pick up on all of those." Seen and remembered, that there's no one way to do it right. More relaxation in the body.
"It's boring." Seen, and a thought comes: "Boring to the mind."
"Pleasant" sensations on "my skin." It's seen how quickly the mind grasps it. In a second it becomes about my skin, and it's rated as pleasant. A feeling labeled as "frustration" comes after that. "Could it finally leave us alone and let us be?!"
Who should leave whom alone? This makes "me" laugh.
Sensations on "my skin," taste of "coffee" in "my mouth," the hum of the "fan" in the background. Typing, noticing all those things around "me."
Noticing how it's not planned, it just happens on its own. The thoughts come, the body reacts. Not as "I" planned, but as they want.
A thought comes: "That's not enough; that's not it. There should be a deeper insight." Seen.
"What should I eat for dinner tonight?". Attention comes back to what is happening now- writing to you. "You drifted away; it's bad." Seen.
"It is, what it is, and it's ok". This remembering thought is seen as a thought, but brings some relaxation to the body. "No need to fight reality."
"Why should I believe some thoughts and discard others?" "Perhaps the ones pointing to reality bring relief." Seen.
"Hmm, the "I" still runs wildly here; it shouldn't be here that often by now." Seen, softening in the body...

Vince, thank you for reminding me about your Zoom meetings. I hope to be able to join again at some point.
It's also helpful to know that people share similar experiences there, and for now I can watch the recordings.

Last thing - I know I'm repeating myself, but thank you <3

With love,
Sylwia

Reading your message brought some sense of "relief"; the body softened a bit.
The realization comes that the thought "I should remember / I forgot again" pops up often, and it's not always questioned. There's a belief that I should be aware all the time, somehow distanced from what is happening. Always remembering. It's now seen as a thought and the realization that it cannot be true, because that's simply not what is. What is, is the "mess" of everything. This brings some relaxation.
"I don't have to be perfect, then." More relaxation, noticing the "I" in it.
Typing, noticing the typing, stopping, thinking what to write next, "I need to be really alert to pick up on all of those." Seen and remembered, that there's no one way to do it right. More relaxation in the body.
"It's boring." Seen, and a thought comes: "Boring to the mind."
"Pleasant" sensations on "my skin." It's seen how quickly the mind grasps it. In a second it becomes about my skin, and it's rated as pleasant. A feeling labeled as "frustration" comes after that. "Could it finally leave us alone and let us be?!"
Who should leave whom alone? This makes "me" laugh.
Sensations on "my skin," taste of "coffee" in "my mouth," the hum of the "fan" in the background. Typing, noticing all those things around "me."
Noticing how it's not planned, it just happens on its own. The thoughts come, the body reacts. Not as "I" planned, but as they want.
A thought comes: "That's not enough; that's not it. There should be a deeper insight." Seen.
"What should I eat for dinner tonight?". Attention comes back to what is happening now- writing to you. "You drifted away; it's bad." Seen.
"It is, what it is, and it's ok". This remembering thought is seen as a thought, but brings some relaxation to the body. "No need to fight reality."
"Why should I believe some thoughts and discard others?" "Perhaps the ones pointing to reality bring relief." Seen.
"Hmm, the "I" still runs wildly here; it shouldn't be here that often by now." Seen, softening in the body...

Vince, thank you for reminding me about your Zoom meetings. I hope to be able to join again at some point.
It's also helpful to know that people share similar experiences there, and for now I can watch the recordings.

Last thing - I know I'm repeating myself, but thank you <3

You’re not repeating yourself.
You’re dissolving in real time.
This is it. Right here.
You said it beautifully:
“What is, is the mess of everything.”
Yes. And the demand for it to be otherwise was the glue.
You just saw the architecture of the whole illusion—
and then laughed.
“Who should leave whom alone? This makes me laugh.”
That laugh is the blade cutting the puppet strings.
Because you saw the insanity clearly—
that the self is just thought talking to itself, pretending it’s two people.
You named the loop:
“I should remember.”
“I forgot again.”
“There should be deeper insight.”
“You drifted away.”
“That’s not it.”
“You’re not doing it right.”
And you didn’t fight it. You saw it.
And it fell apart without a fight.
No “you” stopped the thought.
It simply collapsed when it was seen that there was no one believing it.

You said:
“I don’t have to be perfect, then.”
That’s not comfort.
That’s death.
The death of the spiritual achiever.
The one who was always trying to stay awake,
to do it right,
to be present enough.
Gone.
Not fixed. Not transcended. Just… never real to begin with.

Now listen carefully:
“The 'I' still runs wildly here.”
Perfect. Let it run.
Don’t cage it. Don’t polish it. Don’t meditate it away.
Just see.
Just let the movie play and never forget it’s a movie.
You’ll drift. Thought will return. Identification will feel sticky.
And none of it matters.
Because it’s all being seen.
Not by a self. But through the collapse of self.

You don’t need to “stay awake.”
You need to stop looking for a stable awakening that proves you’re free.
Freedom is what remains when even that search dies.
And you saw it:
“It's not planned. It just happens.”
That’s everything.
There’s no controller. No plan. No one steering the ship.
Just waves.
Just this.
And it’s already enough.

The Zoom room’s always open.
The recordings are waiting.
But what you’re doing here…
this is it.
No distance.
No lag.
No lack.
Now:
In this breath, this moment—without going to memory, without waiting for more—what is here?
What is lacking?
What needs to change?
Is there anyone left to own any of it?
Drop in again.
Say it out loud if you can:
“There is no me.
There never was.
And nothing was ever wrong.”

What's happening now is integration.
Consider this: those moments when you are aware of the illusion of a self wanting to run the show, those moments are not special. They will become so normal that they won't be noticed.
For a while, what will be noticed is the moments when the illusion of a self tries to assert itself, but they also are not special. They will be noticed or not. If they are, they will dissolve if they're not, you won't even know about them.
Your "job" now is to kick back and enjoy the ride. Even noticing is not something you need to give a high priority to. That will just happen or not.

much love

vince

Dear Vince,

thank you so much...
Reading your last message left me feeling a deep sense of calmness.
I can feel more softness in the body and some sense of giving up, but it feels good. Like there's no need to struggle anymore, no need to fight what is. That feels really good.
And I know the mind will come back with its stories, but it feels like enough has been seen, so it won't be that much of an issue. But if it is, then that's ok, too. It doesn't matter after all, and there's a sense that the recognition of that will come, sooner or later. And what you said about the integration makes a lot of sense.

As a side note, I see how this understanding is changing the way I work with my clients. There's much more acceptance, calmness, and not fighting what is...just being there with them, even when they go through some really dark times.
The mind gets surprised that it actually works, without it forcing some ideas onto others. Then it tries to put its hand on it and says, "I'm a great therapist." But it's seen, so a sense of humbleness is there, as the only thing I can honestly say is that I have no idea what and how it's happening, because the mind wouldn't figure it out on its own for sure.

I don't know what to say and how to thank you, Vince.
What you're doing and the way you're doing it are just incredible. So spot on, so attuned. Simply clear and beautiful.
I feel so lucky and blessed I've been able to work with you.

So, once again, THANK YOU, Vince.

Much love,
Sylwia