...But I’m not yes awake

[ty0]

Well, what is consciousness in your experience? Does it exist apart from as a concept?

[Tleela31]

Just a concept.

[ty0]

How do you feel?

[Tleela31]

Well, mostly good, much calmer and not feeling, for once, that I am needing to fix everything and fix myself or trying to figure out what I'm missing or doing wrong or whatever. Just calm and happy. Except yesterday I felt really horrible and I just sat there unable to make myself do much of anything, And I saw this question, and I didn't want to just say 'horrible' because I hadn't been. It seemed at least partly about my mind deciding that because I got upset, briefly, about something that was very reasonable to be upset about, that I've obviously just made all of this up, or I wouldn't have got upset. And I spent too much of my day questioning myself, while also telling myself to just stop it because I knew it was just about thoughts that I am not actually thinking. And I I know nothing has been made up, I tend ro question myself about everything but this I can say for sure. (Also I keep noticing I keep changing or wanting to change the tenses of what I'm writing or the possessive forms of pronouns, etc because I can't decide which applies or what still applies or who or what I'm describing, I feel like I'm seeing duality more now than before or something. I don't know. It's confusing).

Today I'm much better, and I ran across something that seemed to helped me make sense out of it: my mind was throwing a tantrum; it didn't like being ignored and it didn't know what to do with itself. I think ignoring tantrums is usually the best way to go. This is very much a first step for me, vs. some instant and massive transformation, But at the same time, it absolutely feels permanent and does change everything.
Ok I am going to spare you from the next two paragraphs where I compare myself to the head unit I just installed in my very old car lol, thanks and have a good day, or evening or whatever time it is for you!

[ty0]

It seemed at least partly about my mind deciding that because I got upset, briefly, about something that was very reasonable to be upset about, that I've obviously just made all of this up, or I wouldn't have got upset.

Looks like you're buying into the narrative that something special has happened and since you're now "awake", certain things should work a certain way instead of how they have been working. This is another source of judgement and suffering. It's a spiritual story, but it's still just a story that has nothing to do with what's going on outside of thought. Let it go.

[Tleela31]

Thanks yes I would have sworn I knew better, but why else would I be upset about being upset? Mostly things have felt easier and without all of the extra weight my mind seemed to want to add to everything.

Except when I'm...I mean my body...is extra tired, which is fairly early and fairly often, comparitively. I think when this happens, I seem to be thinking of my body more as 'my' body still, which also seems to lead to my ego wanting to join in and decide what I should be able to get done or handle or whatever.

So maybe if I could just be sure that I'm viewing things as they actually are, tired or not, I can just stay above it all and then I would actually be able to handle things better. But since this is also what any expectations amounted to, I may be at least partly joking but I'm honestly too tired to be sure.

[ty0]

No need to be sure of anything. If there's something you're sure of, that's probably something worth questioning hahah. What do you mean by being able to handle things better?

[Tleela31]

No need to be sure of anything. If there's something you're sure of, that's probably something worth questioning hahah.

Ok good, I'm ahead of the game then.

What do you mean by being able to handle things better?

I do not want to be so reactive to everything especially towards my children and in ways that typically have nothing to do with anything actually going on in the moment. This, I didn't expect to just 'happen' , though yeah I probably wouldn't have minded if it magically did anyway, but I it feels like going in the direction, turning towards truth and what is real is what I want to do for this to happen. Even though I REALLY don't like it sometimes. But continuing to be stuck because I'm doing the opposite and just hiding, which I was, is way worse. So I...well I'm facing things I may not particularly enjoy facing more willingly I think. Also, everything I write I feel like it's true and then I read it over and feel like I'm full of crap and have no idea what I'm actually talking about. Which I guess goes a long with the first thing.

[ty0]

It's a good sign if you read what you previously wrote and it all sounds like crap, hahahah. If you're facing things you previously would have avoided, I don't think there's much more for you to do better. Take it easy

[Tleela31]

Haha well thank you, and thanks for your patience with me, I appreciate your time! And keeping me on track when I was going all over the place.

[ty0]

This most recent post may be relevant to you

viewtopic.php?f=4&t=9253&p=402404#p402404

[Tleela31]

Oh no I may have just posted in the wrong place, I'm sorry can this be moved if so? I meant to post here, did I reply at that link instead, as I dont see my reply.
Thanks,
Amy

[ty0]

No you haven't posted anything

[Tleela31]

Oh lol well somewhere I wrote some long thing. I guess I've done that a few times, somehow not completely submitting whatever I wrote. Oh maybe I'm hitting preview and thinking I submitted it.
Anyway I mainly said yes, I can relate to that post, I'd just came across something within the same day about the answer to 'am I doing 'it' right' or is this whatever label I put on it and the answer basically being that you're doing whatever you want to call it right when you quit asking that and quit labeling it. Which I think went along with what you sent the link about, and helped clear that up.
I think my point with whatever I'd written before was that I finally understood that whether or not I wanted to believe I had any expectations, the fact that I don't really like that everything seems much more difficult lately, and that, ok fine, not what I was expecting, I'm also realizing why, and that it is actually what I wanted. Or that it's at least the only way to get there, (Though I don't know what mean by 'there' other than wherever I can be not to feel like all this crap is just falling on my head constantly. Or that I just don't mind it so much even. And anything beyond that is a 'bonus'.) The 'crap' is mostly referring to the results of no longer avoiding things, the things I wouldn't admit to or think about or realize, and so that's all getting cleared out, Amd I can't expect to have that happen without being at all affected by it right? And I can at least do it now, apparently, even though I am not particularly enjoying it. And labels really do not matter at all. And will all this crap in the way I couldn't see anything else anyway. I honestly don't know if this is making any sense but I don't know any other way to say it. Or if my previous version was any different.

[ty0]

Take some time to gaze at the sky. Is it freezing where you are?