Thanks Stacy! This is a long one, I appreciate all your time.
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I can't find a separate self in my experience, only the field of awareness which contains sensations/experiences from the five senses, and thoughts. All of that is one flowing whole. There was never a true separate self, only the illusion of one
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.,
From the perspective of the thinking mind, the illusion of the separate self has always been there. It was reinforced/maintained by family, wider culture and by language (subjects, objects, verbs). The separate self illusion is made up of thoughts, beliefs, habits. It has no substance and cannot be found either in the body or in direct experience. The illusion perpetuates itself through worries/thoughts about an imagined past and future, neither of which exist.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I feel the same yet different, difficult to describe! When closing my eyes in meditation, I notice a new full emptiness, it feels infinite. While I can still feel the skin, there feels to be a flowing continuation of sensations that used to be clearly labelled as inside me and outside 'me'. I feel no longer fully contained within the body. I am more tired than usual which may be some resistance.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
One morning the difference between thinking about the exercise vs feeling/looking into them seemed to 'click' and I felt a real difference between buying into thought which felt so contracted, and the spaciousness of not identifying with thought. I had some moments of complete freedom recognising that no story about 'me' was ever true, and ever referred to anything really - either 'my' own stories about me, or anyone else's.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decision is mysterious , various thoughts occur and a course of action is undertaken. Decision is not mental, as a 'decision' sometimes feels mentally set, and then in the moment the body does something else. Actions which feel aligned / resonant with an expansive/ joyful /true seeming feeling become more evident - so going with the flow of life feels better /easier
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention is a story fitted to past action / future wants to make them 'make sense' to the mind, to reassure the mind that it has an aim it is working towards
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
There is no I to have free will. Life and actions occur. Whatever happens is the thing that happened. Everything is linked /part of a whole so there can't be any independent actor somehow outside it all.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Thoughts occur and courses of action are taken. One thought (about a course of action) can feel more deeply true / resonate energetically within the body, so that course of action is sometimes taken.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Ultimately, control of the physical world or health of the body is an illusion. Anything could happen at any time
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Nothing makes things happen, they just do - creation, continuation and death/dissolution are observable inherent properties of the universe. There is a flow to things which can be tuned into
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I cannot be responsible for any specific outcome as control does not exist. Contributions to people / activities occur intuitively in a way that feels 'right'.