The Gate

Hi Michele,

How are you doing, are you ready to continue with investigating?

With love,

Rowena

Hello!

Yes. I am ready. My father is currently in the hospital, but there is always something, right? Isn't that just life? :-) If you don't mind, I would like to back up a little and maybe repeat a few or review a few exercises before continuing.

Thank you!
Michele

OK, no problem about backing-up.

Looking back to what your wrote in the beginning:

It means there is no separate self from oneness. That we think we are a separate being with our own actions, thoughts and experiences. It is a hard concept to grasp, yet there is nothing to grasp.

Please look/feel into the above quote.
How does that passage resonate with you when you read it now?
Can a separate, independent, autonomous self be found other than as a thought or concept?
What makes this a hard concept to grasp?
Can you see that this is a belief?

What is a belief, other than a thought with identification attached?
When there is identification attached to a thought there is ALWAYS a self-contraction taking place in the body!
The selfing mechanism (for want of a better explication) grasps onto thoughts that appear to be of interest and attaches a post-it that reads: "that belongs to me!"

LOOK into the five sense gates for evidence of an "I" : Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching/feeling.
Is there an "I" that sees, hears, smells, tastes, feels or do those wonderful arisings simply seem to happen?

Consider the visual field and say out loud to yourself:
"I am seeing", and now........ "simply seeing"
Which of the two feels freer?
Practice this with all the senses throughout your day. Keep it very simple, ordinary and practical.

Report back what you find.

It's difficult for me not to be a "doer" yet I want to relax into the calmness of oneness, which, ironically, is where we already are, but yet here I am, seeking still.

The calmness of oneness is where we already are and it is the seeking that takes us out of it. How does that happen?

Right now you have the ability to touch that calm effortless of your true nature (oneness) by noticing what is arising with no effort or doing on your part. Just as you did when you were an infant.

Here is a little exercise:

Take a moment and sit comfortably, eyes open or closed as you prefer. Take a few deep breaths.

Are there any thoughts arising in this moment?
Did you do anything to make those thoughts appear, or did they appear effortlessly?
Notice the thoughts impersonally; simply, thinking happening.

Are there any sensations or emotions arising?
Notice how they, too, are arising effortlessly.
You are not doing anything to make those sensations appear, they are simply happening.
Allow them to arise and be felt, effortlessly, without resistance, without attaching any label or story.

Notice any sounds arising, sound happening effortlessly
Let the sound be without identification.

Has the calmness of oneness, your true nature without the self-contraction and thought, been disturbed in any way with these arisings?


With love,
Rowena

Looking back to what your wrote in the beginning:
It means there is no separate self from oneness. That we think we are a separate being with our own actions, thoughts and experiences. It is a hard concept to grasp, yet there is nothing to grasp.
Please look/feel into the above quote.
How does that passage resonate with you when you read it now?

When I first read this again, I got immediately anxious and had the thought “I don’t have time for this shit” and then thought “if you don’t do it, your guide will leave you and you will have nothing left to try” I go back to the idea that I understand the concept, but don’t experience it.

Can a separate, independent, autonomous self be found other than as a thought or concept?

This is where the idea of “I” is just a concept. And that autonomous self is a lie, that all my actions and thoughts are just happening with no free will. This is so difficult for me to grasp. I’m guessing that is my fear of letting go into oneness. But when I look into this, No, it is all an idea. We have this body and this life and we put the label of “I” onto it. We put all the concepts onto all the actions.

What makes this a hard concept to grasp?

Because if I am not a separate, independent, autonomous self, what is this body of flesh and bones walking around? What are the thoughts that arise that only pertain to my individual experience? The decisions I make just happen? The planning I do is just arising? My actions are nothing more than automatic movements? Those thoughts are what makes it hard to grasp. Gosh, I feel snarky today about all this. Ugh.

Can you see that this is a belief?

Yes, I can see this is a belief, but what is beyond the belief? I think that is where the fear lies.

LOOK into the five sense gates for evidence of an "I" : Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching/feeling.
Is there an "I" that sees, hears, smells, tastes, feels or do those wonderful arisings simply seem to happen?

They just arise, but I put the label of “My brain is doing the seeing, hearing, etc” Then I realize that the hearing happens THEN I say I am hearing after the fact. But if no one is hearing, what is this experience? What is this “person?”

Consider the visual field and say out loud to yourself:
"I am seeing", and now........ "simply seeing"
Which of the two feels freer?

“Seeing” feels much freer.
The calmness of oneness is where we already are and it is the seeking that takes us out of it. How does that happen?

I think we have been so conditioned into the “separate I” that it feels like death if we let that go. We create a problem so we can find a solution. The ego needs to stay alive. We always need the next thing, etc.

Take a moment and sit comfortably, eyes open or closed as you prefer. Take a few deep breaths.

Are there any thoughts arising in this moment?

Yes

Did you do anything to make those thoughts appear, or did they appear effortlessly? No, they just appear.
Notice the thoughts impersonally; simply, thinking happening.

I get stuck when a thought arises about something I have to do. “I have to pay that bill” and then I do the action. That is just arising? All my actions just appear? It seems so strange to me. Even when I say “thinking happening” I still have an action to do.

Are there any sensations or emotions arising?

Yes

Notice how they, too, are arising effortlessly.

Yes
You are not doing anything to make those sensations appear, they are simply happening.
Allow them to arise and be felt, effortlessly, without resistance, without attaching any label or story.

Notice any sounds arising, sound happening effortlessly
Let the sound be without identification.

This is easier for me. I can just sit and allow ‘hearing to happen’

Has the calmness of oneness, your true nature without the self-contraction and thought, been disturbed in any way with these arisings?

Well, considering I haven’t experienced the calmness of oneness yet, I can’t tell if it has been disturbed.

Thank you for your continued patience and love with me.
Michele

Hi Michele,
Well done in getting back to investigating!

When I first read this again, I got immediately anxious and had the thought “I don’t have time for this shit” and then thought “if you don’t do it, your guide will leave you and you will have nothing left to try” I go back to the idea that I understand the concept, but don’t experience it.

I would like to present a slightly new angle for you to look at. Instead of using "I" all the time, we can sometimes use the phrase "There is / was awareness of....." This will create some distance for you from the identification entanglement of using "I".

Upon reading this again, there was awareness of anxiety arising and of thoughts which said "I don't have time for this shit."
There was then awareness of the thoughts "If you don't do it, your guide will leave you (I won't!!) and you will have nothing left to try". There is awareness of understanding the concept, but not awareness of experiencing it.

This is where the idea of “I” is just a concept.

Yes, but rather than the word concept lets keep to thought, its more simple.

And that autonomous self is a lie, that all my actions and thoughts are just happening with no free will.

Im sorry I gave you the exercise about truth/lie. I think it was misleading. Lets forget the word lie and use the word illusion instead. The autonomous self is an illusion, it is not what it seems to be.

This is so difficult for me to grasp. I’m guessing that is my fear of letting go into oneness.

Yes, it would be, under the present system that has been working under the illusory assumption that there is an autonomous, independent self or "I" in charge of the show then this can bring up sensations of fear. Letting go into oneness is a thought that the mind cannot get its thoughts around!

But when I look into this, No, it is all an idea. We have this body and this life and we put the label of “I” onto it. We put all the concepts onto all the actions.

Yes, there a lot of thoughts, ideas, assumptions etc. about life. We have a body for sure, but look closer, what is a body exactly? What comprises it? The outer skin, the internal organs, skeleton, structures, cells, microbiome, it is an ever-changing process that we take to be a solid thing. The mind does this with everything, nice and tidy and easy to understand.

Here is something else to think about. Anything that you are aware of is not you.
Can you be both subject and object at the same time?

Because if I am not a separate, independent, autonomous self, what is this body of flesh and bones walking around? What are the thoughts that arise that only pertain to my individual experience? The decisions I make just happen? The planning I do is just arising? My actions are nothing more than automatic movements? Those thoughts are what makes it hard to grasp. Gosh, I feel snarky today about all this. Ugh.

Awareness of lots of thoughts arising. So many that we can lump them into: thinking simply happening!

Yes, I can see this is a belief, but what is beyond the belief? I think that is where the fear lies.

A belief is a thought that is identified with. It is part of the defense mechanism that has been created in order for us to survive.
The personal mind is a survival tool and so any perceived threat will bring up sensations of fear.

The invitation is to go into the fear....
Feel the sensations,
Allow them to be present in the body.
You know that right here, right now you are safe, there is no tiger hiding under the bed or behind the chair!
Nothing is going to change, we are looking at an illusion, a mirage, it has never been, and so it doesn't even need to be removed!

They just arise, but I put the label of “My brain is doing the seeing, hearing, etc” Then I realize that the hearing happens THEN I say I am hearing after the fact. But if no one is hearing, what is this experience? What is this “person?”

Wonderful, yes! You say no one is hearing......but hearing is happening, effortlessly, isn't it. Does this experience need to be looked at and examined closer, unless you are an ENT doctor or a neurologist, can you allow for hearing to simply happen? Yes, I know you can! Hearing happens to persons, to dogs, to cats, anything with a body and a brain to process the sound waves.

I think we have been so conditioned into the “separate I” that it feels like death if we let that go. We create a problem so we can find a solution. The ego needs to stay alive. We always need the next thing, etc.

Yes, so true. The ego thinks it is being got rid of and it wants to stay alive, but the ego is not a thing...it is a developmental process of thoughts and feelings, neuronal activity. There is nothing to get rid of, only entertaining the idea that this ego, self, "I" that is not a thing is not what it seems.

Did you do anything to make those thoughts appear, or did they appear effortlessly? No, they just appear.
Notice the thoughts impersonally; simply, thinking happening.

I get stuck when a thought arises about something I have to do. “I have to pay that bill” and then I do the action. That is just arising? All my actions just appear? It seems so strange to me. Even when I say “thinking happening” I still have an action to do.

I can see that you jumped straight into paying attention to the content of your thoughts and all the things that they were telling you you should do. This is normal, especially since life has been so busy for you.

No look again:
Did you do anything to make those thoughts appear or did they appear effortlessly?
Can you simply see thoughts arising without paying attention to them?
Say to yourself: Yes, there is awareness of thoughts arising, no need to act on them at all.

I am going to send you the awareness exercise again, but with a little variation on the next page.

With love,
Rowena

Awareness is prior to thought, it is prior to perception. Everything arises in awareness.
We are aware of thoughts, sounds, visual images, colors, smells, tastes.
This is direct experience approached from a slightly different perspective.

Think of a baby that has no idea about things being separate, all the senses are happening with no thought overlay.
Just awareness of the sounds, colors, shapes, darkness, light, smells etc. arising effortlessly.
Effortlessly being, as awareness.

Right now you have the ability to connect with the effortless of your true nature.
When I say effortless, there is no doing at all, just happening.

The important thing is to take time to relax and give yourself permission to put all the things that need to be done aside. If necessary make a list of everything prior so that thoughts are on paper and not swirling around trying to attract your attention.
As awareness, you can choose whether to grab onto a thought or whether to leave it. Try it and see!

Sit comfortably, let your eyes stay open. You can put on some music if you like. Take a few deep breaths.
Let all the content of thought float by, however tempting it might be to hold onto one.
Imagine them floating by as little trails of smoke.

Become aware of what is arising effortlessly in direct experience.

Is there awareness of simply being, effortlessly. Yes / No ?
Is there awareness of breathing, effortlessly. Yes /No

Is there awareness of thoughts arising, effortlessly appearing. Yes / No ?

Is there awareness of a visual field of colors and shapes effortlessly appearing. Yes / No?

Is there awareness of sounds arising, effortlessly. Yes / No?

Is there awareness of emotions or sensations arising. Yes / No?

Can you see that you can simply be aware and that this awareness is unchanging.

All the content is in flux, ever-changing, but awareness never moves.

Awareness is our natural state, prior to all the ever-changing complexities of life.

Are you able to get a feel for resting in awareness?

Please let me know how you get on.


With love,

Rowena

I would like to make one disclaimer about the above investigation. Effortlessly arising includes loud noises, bright lights flashing, being stung by a bee, and smelling something burning on the stove!

It doesn’t mean that you will necessarily have a calm and serene experience but to see that the nature of awareness is unchanging, attentive without effort, and without any intrinsic qualities.

R xx

Sit comfortably, let your eyes stay open. You can put on some music if you like. Take a few deep breaths.
Let all the content of thought float by, however tempting it might be to hold onto one.
Imagine them floating by as little trails of smoke.

I enjoy this exercise and I would like to keep doing in over the next day or so. I've dont it a few times and I can feel myself soften each time, but I don't want to just rush to the next thing. I am noticing the feelings of desperation arise that say "if you do it right, you'll "get it" and you'll see. and then the fear as I allow the fear to arise. (no tigers) I love they way you explained not using "lie" but rather it's real, just not what it seems and the illusion is nothing to be afraid of.

I just wanted to let you know, I'm working. :-)

I enjoy this exercise and I would like to keep doing in over the next day or so. I've dont it a few times and I can feel myself soften each time, but I don't want to just rush to the next thing.

Perfect!

I am noticing the feelings of desperation arise that say "if you do it right, you'll "get it" and you'll see. and then the fear as I allow the fear to arise. (no tigers)

A little correction to point out here.
You talk about 'feelings of desperation' arising that say "if you do it right.....

Can a feeling think or talk?

This is an important distinction to make. We have learned to talk in this manner and it is actually incorrect.
Thoughts arise, effortlessly. Sometimes they are identified with personally and in this case there are always emotions associated. But even an emotion can be looked at closer, for an emotion, like a feeling, is a label attached to a sensation.

So the way to go is to notice .... ah there are feelings of desperation here, now what does desperation feel like in the body?
and then, ah, now there are feelings of fear arising, what does fear feel like in the body? Can you see this. How simple it is once you've got the hang of it. And you are getting the hang of it! :)

I love they way you explained not using "lie" but rather it's real, just not what it seems and the illusion is nothing to be afraid of.

Yes, thanks for the feedback, I don't think I will use the exercise with those words anymore.
Instead of lie: Contraction
Instead of truth: Expansion, Lightness, Openness.


Keep up the good work!

With love,

Rowena

Good morning!

A little correction to point out here.
You talk about 'feelings of desperation' arising that say "if you do it right.....

Can a feeling think or talk?

What a wonderful little correction to this pattern. I have become so aware of just how often I do this. Learning to just be with the sensation is so different, but I get the difference!

Here is from the last exercise.

Is there awareness of simply being, effortlessly. Yes / No ?

Yes. It started as "I am just here, being" but I removed the "I" and tried to just be

Is there awareness of breathing, effortlessly. Yes /No

Yes. Although when I became aware of breathing, I noticed I tried to control it. lol

Is there awareness of thoughts arising, effortlessly appearing. Yes / No ?

Yes. Difficult to not attach to them. Just to let them appear and leave is challenging.

Is there awareness of a visual field of colors and shapes effortlessly appearing. Yes / No?

Yes. There was some difficulty with the word "appearing" for vision. As if I expect things to appear out of nowhere but they are already here. "there is a couch here" nothing "appearing" It could be that when I actually set my eyes on something, it appears in my visual field.

Is there awareness of sounds arising, effortlessly. Yes / No?

Yes. sound is so simple for me to just be aware of effortlessly.

Is there awareness of emotions or sensations arising. Yes / No?

yes. I am learning to separate sensation/emotions from thoughts.

Can you see that you can simply be aware and that this awareness is unchanging.

I am starting to see this. Still not sure what it is that is aware.

All the content is in flux, ever-changing, but awareness never moves.
Awareness is our natural state, prior to all the ever-changing complexities of life.
Are you able to get a feel for resting in awareness?

I believe I am beginning to be aware of this awareness, however faint. I have so many thoughts everytime I try to rest in awarness. It is a process to just be aware of those too and not follow them ad nauseum

Thank you for all your work with me. I really enjoy this journey.
Michele

Hi Michele,
Great work!

What a wonderful little correction to this pattern. I have become so aware of just how often I do this. Learning to just be with the sensation is so different, but I get the difference!

It takes time to install new habits!

Is there awareness of breathing, effortlessly. Yes /No

Yes. Although when I became aware of breathing, I noticed I tried to control it. lol

Which feels more contracted, a) what you have written above? or,
b) "When there was awareness of breathing, there was also noticing (awareness) of trying to control it?"
How did it feel when there was trying to control it?
Was there a thought: "I must try and control this breathing?" or
Was trying to control it simply happening as some kind of reflex?
Did sensations of contraction arise?


Is there awareness of thoughts arising, effortlessly appearing. Yes / No ?

Yes. Difficult to not attach to them. Just to let them appear and leave is challenging.

Yes, it takes practice.

Think of thoughts as pop-ups arising on a screen. Practice watching them arise, trying to catch your attention.
Make sure that there is nothing that actually does need your attention as a priority!
Watch the thoughts arise and say: " Thinking happening."
If a thought does get grabbed on to, then hold on to it and repeat that thought again and see what happens.
Is it followed by another thought and then a whole string of thoughts? or are you able to look at the original thought and then let it dissolve ?
Notice any self-critical thoughts about this practice. A self-critical thought will always point to a contraction in the body!


Can you see that you can simply be aware and that this awareness is unchanging.

I am starting to see this. Still not sure what it is that is aware.

Can you accept not knowing what it is that is aware?

There are different names given to awareness, for example, consciousness.
There are also ideas about what comes prior, consciousness, or awareness.
Right now, I would like you to think of a baby in the first few months after birth.
It knows no names, or concepts. It is simply aware of sounds, shapes, colors, smells etc. happening in its surroundings.
No identity has been developed that could allow thoughts to arise such as "I am aware".
Simply, awareness of sounds, shapes, colors, smells, sensations etc.

Please let me know when you would like to have another inquiry exercise.
I am thinking it is a good time to start looking for the existence of a separate, autonomous self or "I".
What do you think?

With love,
Rowena

Which feels more contracted, a) what you have written above? or,
b) "When there was awareness of breathing, there was also noticing (awareness) of trying to control it?"
How did it feel when there was trying to control it?
Was there a thought: "I must try and control this breathing?" or
Was trying to control it simply happening as some kind of reflex?
Did sensations of contraction arise?

Maybe "control" was too strong a word. I guess fixated on my breathing is a better term. There was an acute awarness of each breath and how I was able to "breathe on purpose" as opposed to just breathing. I didn't feel any sense of contraction. I noticed I still "was just breathing" but it seemed as if I was breathing, but it was still just happening.

Think of thoughts as pop-ups arising on a screen. Practice watching them arise, trying to catch your attention.
Make sure that there is nothing that actually does need your attention as a priority!
Watch the thoughts arise and say: " Thinking happening."
If a thought does get grabbed on to, then hold on to it and repeat that thought again and see what happens.
Is it followed by another thought and then a whole string of thoughts? or are you able to look at the original thought and then let it dissolve ?
Notice any self-critical thoughts about this practice. A self-critical thought will always point to a contraction in the body!

this will take some more practice. a lot of thoughts that arise are "doing thoughts" things I have to do. I think keeping busy is definitely something I use to not sit in difficult feelings that may need to arise and be felt. Sometimes I don't even give myself the chance to say "thinking happening" before I notice myself doing the action (and they are very rarely things that are priorities that need to be taken care of immediately) A few times I was able to repeat the thought and let it dissolve. Yes, self-critical thoughts arose quickly. "you suck at this, you have too much pain in your body to release, just give up, peace isn't yours to have" etc. Yes, a contraction in the body. a tightness in my core area and a desire to shake my hands (which I did to help move some energy) the sensation of tightness arose and then dissipated.

Can you accept not knowing what it is that is aware?

There are different names given to awareness, for example, consciousness.
There are also ideas about what comes prior, consciousness, or awareness.
Right now, I would like you to think of a baby in the first few months after birth.
It knows no names, or concepts. It is simply aware of sounds, shapes, colors, smells etc. happening in its surroundings.
No identity has been developed that could allow thoughts to arise such as "I am aware".
Simply, awareness of sounds, shapes, colors, smells, sensations etc.

Imagining this experience as a baby seems so beautiful, relaxed, and peaceful. I resonate with that. I can soften into that not-knowing and just experiencing. It is so lovely. It is brief, but I can get tiny glimpses of what that must be like for a baby. To just be and experience.

I am ready to continue, however I leave tomorrow for a much needed 10 day vacation with my family. I will be home June 30th. I will be ready to continue then!
So much love to you!
Michele

Maybe "control" was too strong a word. I guess fixated on my breathing is a better term. There was an acute awarness of each breath and how I was able to "breathe on purpose" as opposed to just breathing. I didn't feel any sense of contraction. I noticed I still "was just breathing" but it seemed as if I was breathing, but it was still just happening.

This sounds good, keep playing with this.

Try repeating these words by Tich Nhat Hahn as you breathe:
In, Out; Deep, Slow; Calm, Ease; Smile, Release.......repeat for as many times as you can in a sitting.
This can be very calming for the body and the mind.

this will take some more practice. a lot of thoughts that arise are "doing thoughts" things I have to do.

Yes it will take some practice. Making a list of things to do can offload some mental pressure.

I think keeping busy is definitely something I use to not sit in difficult feelings that may need to arise and be felt. Sometimes I don't even give myself the chance to say "thinking happening" before I notice myself doing the action (and they are very rarely things that are priorities that need to be taken care of immediately)

Congratulations that you have seen how much diverting happens in order to avoid difficult feelings. This is a kind of automatic, self-soothing mechanism, which has really served us in the past, but now it is time to see through it (which you have done) and
begin to connect with the difficult feelings (which you are now doing). I think you have already seen that feelings/sensations do not have to be avoided, it's just we got into the habit of not connecting with them through our conditioning.

A few times I was able to repeat the thought and let it dissolve. Yes, self-critical thoughts arose quickly. "you suck at this, you have too much pain in your body to release, just give up, peace isn't yours to have" etc. Yes, a contraction in the body. a tightness in my core area and a desire to shake my hands (which I did to help move some energy) the sensation of tightness arose and then dissipated.

Great! :)

Imagining this experience as a baby seems so beautiful, relaxed, and peaceful. I resonate with that. I can soften into that not-knowing and just experiencing. It is so lovely. It is brief, but I can get tiny glimpses of what that must be like for a baby. To just be and experience.

Beautiful! And this is what can be called our original nature, or our natural state of being.

I hope you enjoy your well-deserved 10 day vacation.

With love,
Rowena

Hello Michele,

It has been quite a while since we were in contact, I hope you had a good vacation. Are you ready to continue with the exploration?

With love,
Rowena

Hello Rowena,

My father died the day I returned from my vacation. :-( It's been quite a crazy couple of weeks. I would like to continue, but maybe really slowly? an excercise every couple of days? See how I am adjusting? I am in charge of his estate and there is so much to do, but that is life, isn't it? It's all part of it. <3

Thank you,
Michele