Pre-Awakening

[Bananafish]

A slight tingling in the back of my throat.

What about this?
Please be sure to actually feel it carefully, and don't answer automatically.

[Statum]

What about this?
Please be sure to actually feel it carefully, and don't answer automatically.

The sensation at the back of my throat can become more intense when emotions like sadness or anger are present. As it is felt now, it’s just the breath brushing up against it, the sensations at the back of the tongue where the throat begins. Nothing that signifies a doer.

There is a feeling of control when the breath is manipulated; when I observe it and breathe deeply or breathe faster than the breath would otherwise go. There is a thought that says “I am doing that” when there is something in my experience which is observed and seemingly changed by efforts. I don’t know by whom the effort comes other than the thought of effort, but the gut feeling is one of control and manipulating the contents of reality.

[Bananafish]

Great observation, Statum. Feels like there's something worth investigating: control.

Take up the breath as the object of investigation again, and please see if there is a controller of the breath.

Note that there being control doesn't meant there is a controller that is
controlling ... a kind of little creature in the head that is giving orders to the body. :)

Please see everywhere to find if that "controller" resides somewhere.

Be thorough in your search, and experiment with body movements and thoughts.
Try to control thoughts and see whether thoughts are different from that "controller"
that claims control.

Best wishes,

Kento

[Statum]

Take up the breath as the object of investigation again, and please see if there is a controller of the breath.

Please see everywhere to find if that "controller" resides somewhere.

Be thorough in your search, and experiment with body movements and thoughts.
Try to control thoughts and see whether thoughts are different from that "controller"
that claims control.

I don’t find a controller of the breath; there is just the breath changing. Still coming and going, sometimes faster sometimes slower. Sometimes more deep, sometimes more shallow. Funny enough, when I was at breakfast this morning, the water that I was drinking went down the wrong way and I began to cough. As I was coughing, I noticed that it was completely on its own. There was definitely control, but absolutely nothing was controlling it and when it stopped it stopped. Just very simple and involuntary.

And the same was with thoughts. After a time in silence, the mind goes to imagining things like what to have for lunch or how long certain sensations will last. It’s like an involuntary convulsion. No one doing it; just changing the foreground and background of attention.

[Bananafish]

Great observation and nice discoveries! :)
How does it feel to find that out? Any change, or fundamental shift in perception?

[Statum]

Great observation and nice discoveries! :)
How does it feel to find that out? Any change, or fundamental shift in perception?

It’s a bit of relief to be honest. There’s also strangely a sense of gratitude and innocence. The perception remains the same only with different emotions.

[Bananafish]

NIce. :) What about the sense of being a separate entity apart from others?
Any change? How is it felt?

[Statum]

NIce. :) What about the sense of being a separate entity apart from others?
Any change? How is it felt?

Existence still appears to have a center here the way that it did before. Nothing has changed aside from the recognition that there doesn’t seem to be anything behind control.

[Bananafish]

Existence still appears to have a center here the way that it did before.

Ok, let's have a look. :)

Where exactly is "here" in the quoted sentence?
Could you point to it with your finger and tell where you pointed to?

[Statum]

Where exactly is "here" in the quoted sentence?
Could you point to it with your finger and tell where you pointed to?

Oh wow what a great question! So if I point to my eye that is looking, that leaves out the “here” in the sensation of my foot against the floor. And if I point to my stomach as I breathe in and out, it leaves out the “here” of sound coming in at the ears. Anywhere I point to is “here”, but also excludes “here”. I can’t point to anywhere.

[Bananafish]

Haha, strange, isn't it? :)

Please keep inquiring the same way for a bit longer,
and please share what you noticed.

Remember, don't think about it; instead, observe with curiosity.

Best,

Kento

[Statum]

Please keep inquiring the same way for a bit longer,
and please share what you noticed.

Remember, don't think about it; instead, observe with curiosity.

The only thing that I could point to is “is-ness”, and I’m not able to point to it or describe it. It’s the most intimate sense of self while also being totally beyond what could be considered any sense of myself. I can’t say how big it is, I can’t say how long it lasts, I can’t say what it’s made of, and I can’t determine anything about it aside from “is-ness” just is.

The feeling that correlates to it, if I could put it into words might be something like “yes” or “close”.

The more I talk about it, the more I have to think about it which is not what we are trying to do here. So for now I guess this is the most that can be said.

[Bananafish]

Hi. :)

Is that "is-ness" the doer of the deeds, apart from the deeds themselves?

[Bananafish]

Please try raising your hand, and see whether "is-ness" is doing it.

[Statum]

Please try raising your hand, and see whether "is-ness" is doing it.

No. No one is raising my hand. It just starts and stops when it starts and stops. It still doesn’t feel right to say that it is doing it by itself though.

Ok… the reason that it didn’t feel right was because I had a thought that said it wouldn’t be raised if you hadn’t asked, I hadn’t understood, and I didn’t have control over the limb to lift it up. But that was a thought and a a story that was told explaining away the obvious sensation. The arm didn’t say what moved it or why. It just moved with all the sensations that accompanied it. That was what actually happened. What actually happened is that the movement happened on its own.