So many different glimpses, so little shifts

[luxapro]

It's like every single issue, seeking, not waking up, me, my life and body are thoughts that are just somehow assumed to be real. And this realness of thought is the illusion. It's like in some moments, they are partially seen through and in others not.

[Ilona]

Yes! Very good. These were questions to poke you and see what you answer.

Ok, so is it clear that there is no separate self running the show?

[luxapro]

No, it’s not clear :’(

[Ilona]

Ok, can you tell me what is not clear precisely?
Are you separate from life?
Are you running the show?
What is your doubt?
And what are you looking for?

[luxapro]

Hey! These are like analysing answers and I feel like it’s not the right way.

What is not clear exactly?
- That there is no one running the show, some of these aspects that you’ve pointed to have been seen at moments but like forgotten afterwards.

Are you separate from life?
- Sometimes it feels that way, and sometimes it seems like there is no ”me” to be found to be separate and a moment of clarity comes
- It seems like all questions like ”am I” or ”are you” cause this massive confusion and frustration. And the feeling of separateness. They cause me to forget what actual looking is. It’s like a program.

Are you running the show?
- If I ask ”is there someone running the show” life shows itself to be free partially, and it feels great, but it’s momentary. Then if I ask ”am I running the show” it supposes a me that could and the mind is like fuucckk I can’t make this work and the ”I” seems more real.

What is your doubt?
- my doubt is that I’ve gone through these steps with you too quickly without ACTUALLY seeing truth to a ”good enough level”

What are you looking for?
- again, the same frustration thing. Feel hopeless, feel like I’m going backwards, feeling like I’m not doing it right, feeling like losing the process I’ve made so far. It’s like a stress reaction that comes as soon as I ask something about myself.

[Ilona]

I hear you about frustration, it’s very much part of the process. Su just feel it fully and allow it to express.

Let’s go back to Santa. Santa is a fictional character. It’s not real. And no matter how long you look for him, there is nothing to find there. And still there is feeling of Christmas, there is feeling of joy receiving presents. There is playing Christmas game, even thought it is clear that Santa is not a magical creature. The point of this, that life continues as it did. Nothing changes, illusions continue to show up. But there is knowing, that it’s not real.

Let’s ask this question: is there I as a separate entity running life?

Write your immediate reaction. What arises as you ask this?

Don’t worry, it’s impossible to fail.

With love.

[luxapro]

Is there a separate self running life? - No,

but it’s only in reference to memory that I can answer this. It’s a thought about having seen what I believe to be that there is no separate ”me” in the head. It’s like I believe that I might have seen what you refer to but I’m not sure.

[Ilona]

Right here right now, in actual experience, is anything separate from life happening? Is so, what? What is the evidence of separateness?

It is all very very simple.
Life is happening versus I am making life happening. Which is true?

[luxapro]

Is anything separate from life happening?

- There is no evidence of such in actual experience, that which is.

And life is happening is true, the ”it is all very simple” is the best reminder for me to see this.

[Ilona]

Wonderful.

Now let’s connect to your own sense of being. There is being, existence, life, aliveness or whatever words. It’s here now.
Is anything missing or incomplete right now?

What do you notice when you ask this?


With love.

[luxapro]

Is anything missing or incomplete right now?

What do you notice when you ask this?

- No, only thoughts can make it seem like that. But I don't know it this is a belief or real experience

- I notice more calm I guess.

[Ilona]

Let’s distinguish the difference between experience and a belief.

There is clearly experience. Colours, sounds, sensations, smells, taste, feeling that is here right now. You don’t need to believe that it’s here, you see it, directly.

And a belief is thought that say what it is, how it is, why that is and so on.
Do you need to believe that you hear sounds or do you hear sounds?

So in real experience right now is anything missing?

All you need is to look and see. What is obvious, self evident and actual.
Are you aware right now?
How do you know?

With love.

[luxapro]

Do you need to believe that you hear sounds or do you hear sounds?

- Obviously not, but to answer to some of the questions, I first experience, then the interpretation arises and it's bought into and then answered here. I don't know if that makes sense to you?
- The sounds just are there, it doesn't require belief other than that they're "sounds"

So in real experience right now is anything missing?

- In real experience, no. And I notice I'm more and more in real experience.

Are you aware right now?
How do you know?

- It doesn't require thoughts to know, sometimes it requires a thought to point to this to notice this.
- I know because it's evident in everything.

[Ilona]

Very good!
We need language to communicate and wrap up experience into words that hold meaning.

And can you see that there is experience and there is interpretation of experience?
The interpretation is made of concepts, symbols and words. While experience itself does not need words to be known.

Like words “aliveness, being, knowing” are pointing to experience but that’s all they can do- point.

There is much more going on than words.

:)

How are you doing today? What are you noticing?
Is there a doubt or a question that is making you feel frustrated?

With love.

[luxapro]

And can you see that there is experience and there is interpretation of experience?

- Yes, but sometimes it's easier sometimes harder, effortless and effortful, but I feel the effort itself is what makes it hard.

How are you doing today? What are you noticing?
Is there a doubt or a question that is making you feel frustrated?

- I'm doing better, I really felt you asking that question, thank you! I've been absolutely all over the place, sometimes feeling completely at peace and sometimes depressed af. I notice these crazy mood swings that happen and my perspective on life and everything can just shift in a few minutes and then back again. It's pretty mad and painful. I'm a bit sick right now as well so that probably has an effect too.

- I'm clearly more in real experience right now, when I'm sitting here, I definitely notice lightness and "presence" in a way where I can more easily notice the lack of a distinct self somewhere.

- Nothing is frustrating right now, what came up with that question right now is the doer thing, I still seem to be doing the things and thinking the thoughts.

Thank you so much!