frakifiknow -- search for enlightenment

[Anastacia42]

Hi again, Ryan,

That feeling of "flow" and synchronicity is the shift we're looking for. But it isn't going to be 24/7 and it may be subtle.

This can also come & go as we adjust to what is true.

Watch these, please:

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w

and

https://youtu.be/PUDzrCLlrj4

Reading Gateless Gatecrashers will give you several examples of how others shifted.

Much love
Stacy

[frakifiknow]

I had forgotten I printed out Gateless Gatecrashers -- I started reading it today. One of the stories inspired me to write out my feelings. This started as more of a journal entry and morphed into a stream of consciousness poem of sorts. I'm most definitely not a poet, I don't read poetry, and I haven't written a poem since middle school. I'm not sure why I'm sharing but I'm hoping its insightful for someone, you, me, no one, whatever. Maybe it's more seeking, but I'm feeling frustrated and felt compelled to get it out.

i'm here to vent. i'm tired of looking and seeing that there's no "me" there. there's no boundaries between inside and outside, the only thing i truly experience are thoughts, sights, sounds, sensations, tastes, and smells. "ryan" is just an organism with a brain and ideas and thoughts and weaknesses and strengths and habits and a family and a history and i just seem to be along for the ride. i am a continuous presence in ryan's world, using his eyes and ears, mouth and nose, body and brain to experience life. using implies driving, but there doesn't seem to be any mechanism to do so. i'm fearful of the idea of just "letting ryan do his thing" but simultaneously see that there's nothing to be done.

but i'm stuck here, almost continuously feeling like i'm ryan, and i'm making decisions, and i'm watching and reading and i'm a dad and a husband and i suffer and i fail and i feel guilt and shame and anger and resentment. i'm tired, i'm lazy, i'm smart and i think and i stew and i worry and i fear and i'm sad and i'm grateful and i'm preachy and i'm a little shy. i don't always tell the whole truth but i hate to lie, i want to do good but have no idea what i want to do. i see beauty in ugly and i judge and i get lonely and i get itchy for alone time. i mean well but i'm an ass and i know nothing but good luck getting me to admit that, because i gotta get it right dammit or i'm not worthy of something. no idea what, but i'm never going to get there without something changing, because i'm never good enough and i'm never driven enough and i'm never cool enough and i'm forgetful and i'm impatient.

i hate being celebrated but secretly crave it. i'm proud of my humility, and feel great about my empathy. i fear my body failing and me leaving my family but i drink that away and make sure my senses are regularly enhanced to catch all the drama. i dread aspects of the future and detest aspects of my past. i'm terrified by spiders and my inability to put that obviously pointless and illogical and erroneous phobia to bed. i love my family and pretty much hate myself for not loving them better or loving myself. i feel positively torn that i'm unsure about what to do and while i'm typing this up i realize -- i'm really not doing it. these words are coming from within before i get a chance to look them over, i'm trying not to self edit but there's some things you just don't say, amiright?

so what am i missing? what's the little trick? the flip of the switch? a tweak of the mind? i know all the facts (of course) but it feels like college chemistry and i got a fucking A. how can i let go of the lies i've been taught and allow myself to feel my true nature of self and see i'm not here and i never could be and i'm stuck here just waiting for things to be seen. something in the nothing, a thing without a thought, a sight within my seeing, a feel within my feeling. a be within my being.

i can sense it's right there, like, i see what i mean, but i don't know how to let go to sink into that being. or maybe i stop trying, maybe i'll try that. it's a mess and a melody that i'm barely keeping up with cuz the rhythm is so funky and it just doesn't stop. it's meshuggah in reality and beautifully devastating how brilliantly pure and naturally i need to understand it so i'm gonna analyze it, model it, and measure it, so i can cut it, slice it, glue it, and make it my version of what i want to make so that i can lose interest in it. as a serial hobbyist i love learning new things so i can apply what i've learned to confuse myself about the next curiosity no matter how simple i unmake it. it's my brand, my style, my weakness, and my pride. it's my shame and my fate and my drive to stay awake. i'll sleep in with good excuses so i can do it all again the next. i'll seek help when i need it which is when i've tried everything i can think of and some that i can't. unless i don't really care in which case i'll put more energy into pseudo caring than making it real. i seek the truth through whatever info i find but i'm skeptically aligned with the other opinion, the one that's practical and wise.

i don't know what i'm doing, what's happening or what's here, but if someone can tell me i'd be here i guess, but maybe more peaceful and clear

[Anastacia42]

Hi Ryan,

Sure, it's kind of poetic, but that's a very long example of exactly what is NOT helpful here. It's stories, content of thought, nothing useful.

Remember Colored Socks?

This is how to LOOK for no self in the exercises - we call them "pointers' - that we will be doing here:

Colored Socks

There is a big difference between knowing that there is nothing to give up and seeing that there is nothing to give up.

Here is an example to illustrate the difference:

If I ask you what color socks you are wearing right now you have two ways to come up with an answer:

• You can think about it, you can think back to this morning and try to remember putting your socks on, and you can probably tell me what color you think they are.

• Alternatively, you can take a quick look at your socks and tell me what color they actually are!

Hopefully you would agree that you can only be 100% certain by looking.

For the purpose of seeing this "no self" idea, it is very important that you are clear about this difference.

Knowing is about knowledge which is all in the mind and we are not interested in that

We are only interested in looking at and seeing what is actually going on in your present moment-to-moment experience. We are only interested in your Direct Experience in the moment..

Direct or Actual Experience is

Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (Sensation, not emotion. Emotion is Sensation plus made-up thoughts & labels)
Tasting
Smelling
Thoughts Arising (but not their content)

Please let me know if you are clear about this or if you would like any further clarification.


That's no "trick." Simply LOOK with your eyes, as the pointers guide you to do. That's all it takes. These are meditations.

"Enlightenment is an accident. Meditation makes you accident prone."

~ Sunryu Suziki

Please send me your email address in PM top right above & I'll connect you to a dozen recorded pointers in my Dropbox. Listen to the Introduction first.

Keep reading "Gateless Gatecrashers." We've had clients SEE just reading that.

RELAX. No one SEES when they are tense.

Loving,

~ Stacy

"Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion."

~ Rumi

[Anastacia42]

Just to add a little compassion here, I do hear that you're frustrated, but all of those made up stories about the non-existent "you" are only making it hard, impossible, really, to LOOK at Direct Experience.

Much love,

Stacy

[frakifiknow]

Please let me know if you are clear about this or if you would like any further clarification.

All clear. Need to practice.

Keep reading "Gateless Gatecrashers."

I am and will. Every story I've read so far has been highly relatable. I'm hoping I'm one of those that see from reading it.

RELAX.

This is getting harder to do, but I know it's necessary.

Just to add a little compassion here, I do hear that you're frustrated, but all of those made up stories about the non-existent "you" are only making it hard, impossible, really, to LOOK at Direct Experience.

Thank you. I hear what you're saying, and I am hyper aware that grasping this truth experientially is the ticket. It feels like I need to find an orientation or a layer or a point of view or something to settle into. Maybe this is erroneous too. I'm sure I'm making it harder than it needs to be, I'm really good at that when it comes to simple stuff. I'll focus on colored socks and buttchair and Gateless Gatecrashers.

[frakifiknow]

Gateless Gatecrashers is being read. Feelings of frustration are present. Thoughts swirl over and around and whirl and crash. There is no "I", that is apparent from every line of questioning, but it is still not clearly seen. Frustration is so prevalent. The stories bring up inclinations, ideas, thoughts -- but just more frustration. Passive voice is being used to cover up ignorance.

How could anything break off a piece of Life and call it "mine"? The dog labeled "Geordi" is still just a dog. The human named "Ryan" must still just be a human. Why is this unclear? Why is there struggle? Things happen, they just do. Typing happens. Thinking happens. Frustration happens. So who is there? What controls anything? There's nothing but the happening. Yet still, there is confusion, there is introspection, there is sensation, and there is far too much thought. But there isn't clarity.

[Anastacia42]

Did you miss this?

Please send me your email address in PM top right above & I'll connect you to a dozen recorded pointers in my Dropbox. Listen to the Introduction first.

Thanks!
Stacy

[Anastacia42]

Ryan,

One of the things that might help is remembering that there is a difference between relative reality and absolute reality. In relative reality we use the convenience of language and the idea of self and all that's fine. But an absolute reality it doesn't exist. Still, even after we see we continue to use it in relativity for convenience.

How's it going?

Loving
Stacy

[frakifiknow]

Hi Stacy,

I appreciate that clarification. I think I know that, and maybe I'm just expecting too much, too soon, and too vividly. "I" is one of those types who likes to pick at words and semantics so that part of this is something "I" probably put too much weight on.

Maybe I already "get" it and "I" just don't realize it. I don't know. I'm tired though. I may have to take a day or two off and focus on spending time w my family, but we'll see how things go and what comes up.

How's it going?

I haven't gotten into the meditations you sent yet. I started the intro but got cut short, but from what I heard I am very interested in going through the course -- past the intro, is there an order I should go in?

I went to a concert with my wife last night and tried to rest in awareness, but it was tough in that environment. Still reading GG. Still finding things that resonate. Still feeling frustrated.

Your kindness and patience are greatly appreciated. I can feel your compassion and it pulls me forward. Thank you.

Ryan

[frakifiknow]

A difficult conversation brought up strong feelings of sadness, and when looking, there was no one who was sad, just sadness. And some resolve, and some love. But they just were there, and they were sat with, and they moved on. There are thoughts, but they are helping rather than distracting, processing rather than telling. It feels authentic. Is this what we've been talking about?

[Anastacia42]

Emotions, as you have read at least twice in Colored Socks, are only the DE of Sensation with a made-up label or story attached.

We do not "process" anything here. We LOOK.

If you need to "process," I recommend The Work of Byron Katie at www.thework.com

There you will find all you need, including a helpline for free.

Much love,

Stacy

[Anastacia42]

And yes, if you're feeling frustrated and desperate, take a break. You cannot see like that.

Loving,
Stacy

[Anastacia42]

Hi Ryan,

It's been a week. What's going on?

Much love,
Stacy

[frakifiknow]

What's going on?

Hi Stacy. I've actually started up a couple of drafts throughout the week but each time felt self-conscious about what I started to write and bailed out.

Nothing much has changed. There was a long period of time yesterday where it was clear there is no "I" in here and maintaining that perspective was simply a matter of noticing thought arising and recognizing it as such. It was subtle, and pretty much a non-event, almost nothing really, but it was clear.

Richard's story in GG really resonated with experience. In contemplation, buttchair, meditation, hearing, whatever -- it's clear that in an absolute sense, there is no self. No one driving, no one owning, no one doing anything. As soon as the relative story begins to reference the past or future, either for necessary continuation of work or the history of relationship with others, that clarity collapses pretty quickly. Repeated "remembering" seems to help, and has been getting more natural throughout the week. It's unclear how to naturally and continually sustain that.

Thanks for your patience,

Ryan

[Anastacia42]

Hi Ryan,

We do not try to continuously sustain seeing. Don't you remember those 2 videos on August 18th? You're not going to sustain seeing. That expectation itself will prevent seeing, because seeing happiness now, not in the future where that expectation tries to take you.

But the joke is on you - there is no "future."

Only now... and now... and now.

There was a long period of time yesterday where it was clear there is no "I" in here and maintaining that perspective was simply a matter of noticing thought arising and recognizing it as such. It was subtle, and pretty much a non-event, almost nothing really, but it was clear.

That's it! You're SEEING.

Try this:

Time Exercise

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?

Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

How long does the ‘now’ last?

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?


~ Stacy