It has been an interesting few days :) Answers below.
No. Only thoughts constructing a self. Which is rather amazing actually. There has never been a self or I.1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
The illusion of the separate self begins in childhood (maybe around age 7 it really solidifies), where there is a recognition and belief of thoughts stating "I", "me" "you". As if an illusive separation has been created with thoughts. This sense of an "I" gets stronger as attention on I-generating thoughts increases. Somehow, I'm not sure how, thoughts begin to narrate a story that there is a someone in charge of a body/mind and its experience. It shows up as if there is a someone able to do something, as if there is a bunch of separate entities living a life rather than life (sensations, thoughts, movement) just happening.2) Give in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
Through inquiry, I realize now that 10 years ago, I turned to look at the how thoughts work. So much work was done on seeing this ego or character and it was fascinating and I didn't realize I was not in control of this 'discovery'. I thought I was the one interested. That I was the one who decided to embark on this journey. Now I can see that no one was doing anything. And like magic, it truly felt like magic, two years after this exploration that seemed like the most important thing in the world, the question arose "Who hears this bird chirping?" And "Who is thinking?" And the questions were answered - there was a significant shift where I knew it was not me, but for some reason I still believed there was an "I". Like "I" was awareness. That part I don't understand, and probably I am not explaining it well, but now with your help (Thank you!!!), the final piece seems to have been put into place. It was like a limbo before I didn't grasp. But now I know there is no I. There is thought, there is sensation, there is life happening, and no self watching it or doing anything.
It feels subtle. Before I began this dialogue, I see now I was trying to recreate this initial awakening I explain above. That initial awakening felt incredible and amazing. And... I think I was trying to find that feeling state and not see the obvious. I was so reconvinced there was an "I" it is almost laughable now, but I guess that is what needed to happen to get here now. It was all in thinking anyway. So this unfolded over a few days... Funnily (I'm sorry I haven't been more funny in my writing with you because I was really believing I was going to suddenly vanish or something and not be able to function, and I wasn't sure why I was compelled to get 'myself' to a place of non-functioning. I am not sure why this needed to be so confusing in the thought process. I need a gold star in Over-Complicating things!) ... anyway, a thought arose that I was not going to write you back until I had this sorted out. It was like a battle in the mind where I said you are going to figure this out or die. Like some action movie where failure was not an option and I was straining and getting all worked up, but somehow the command of 'figure this out now!' worked and a very subtle sensation came over my body and I kept reading over our dialogue and some of the gateless gatecrashers dialogue, and all of the words starting really making sense. There was a feeling of 'of course'. And then I realized that over the course of our dialogue larger and larger spaces between the "I - identification" had been happening, and I wasn't even aware of it. I wasn't realizing that that is what I am. I just could not see it, but the spaces were getting longer and longer, and then I woke up the next day, still with the subtle feeling of 'of course I know', and then it sort of clicked and I finally saw fully the body as just the body (a little like the initial awakening but without the warm and fuzzy feelings). Also, the belief had been dropped previously that there would be no bells and bliss. That needed to happen to see this. And then over the course of the day I went hiking and watched thoughts go in an out of identifying with an "I" but there was no longer an attachment to the "I". It was fine. That "I" could hang out as long as it wanted. And I realized I was believing that the "I" was supposed to disappear. Then fear came and as I wrote earlier, I suddenly felt frightened of dying. Because I think I was also believing the whole death thing was going to be understood entirely, and I was rather confused throughout the next day with waves of fear going through the body. And then after that day, I woke up in the middle of the night and the thought just came "you don't remember ever not being here" which I must have read before, but that thought triggered me to examine that space again where there is no "I" identification or at least, where it can see the "I" as a thought without believing in it. And it was the understanding again that that is what I am and with that the fear of dying (or whatever that fear was) left. Also, I walked around looking at people and thinking "everyone already knows this" and it felt very funny but also strange that they also "don't."3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Explained above :)4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
Decision occurs when the need for a decision arises.5) a) Describe decision,
intention,
free will,
choice and control.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Intention occurs when the need for intention arises.
Same for free will, choice and control. When a need for them arises, then they occur.
I have no idea what makes things happen or how it works. It is just happening. It is life happening, and this body/mind responds or 'comes up with things' as the need arises. Which just seems to arise on its own volition. I think I understand the non-spiritual saying 'get out of your own way' now. For example, it is almost like I can understand what the Jenny character wants much better than before. When the sensation for hunger arises, a decision on what to eat arises based on what's available and what the body prefers in that moment. There was a woman who couldn't figure out a ticketing kiosk, and I happened to be there and was able to help her figure it out because I already knew how to use it. It seems very simple, and again the over-complicating thing is ridiculous.
I am not responsible for anything. As things arise, a response or action is taken, and with the personality/preferences of Jenny, which change or happen on their own accord.b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
Thank you very much for being my guide. I am very grateful that Liberation Unleashed is able to help so many people get clarity and peace. And I feel very grateful for all of the people who help others on this journey, which for me at least felt quite complicated and confusing.6) Anything to add?
All the best to you,
Jenny
