There is no self. I saw that before we met. But now I see that there never was. That poem I wrote doesn't make any sense. Jeff isn't dying. He was an illusion. When there is no relating sensations to this story and fitting everything into a plan for Jeff, the vividness of everything is like living in a whole new world. So surprising! I'm beginning to "take it off the cushion".1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
The illusion of the separate self starts when I wake up from sleep and the story of "my life" starts to assemble itself. If I sit in natural meditation, as I have begun to do first thing each morning, I tune in to sensation (sound at first, then feeling, then sight). Soon, the self-thoughts subside and I find awe and wonder in sensation. Often, I gasp and make a sound! Previously, when I arose from meditation, I immediately re-entered the world of planning for Jeff's future, even something as simple as planning to refill my coffee cup. But this morning, I remained aware. Just standing and turning in place revealed a rich, surprising world of shifting shapes. When I'm planning, though, the vividness and richness of sensation is not apparent. But it must still be there!2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self consists of imaginings and plans for the future of Jeff, intended to change what will be. This is both resistance to, and separation from, Presence. Another aspect of self is point of view, which is now seen to be illusory. The future is also illusory, but there is a practical need to keep it in view, so it's tricky. There's the social Jeff, who wants to manage his reputation and manipulate other people into accepting him. These other people are also illusory! At the bottom, self is a strategy to resist feeling helpless. But reality is intrinsically fluid and spontaneous. There is no controlling it, and inventing a fictional character doesn't help.
Before, I believed there was no separate self. In the last few days, with the help of this dialogue, I've seen more clearly that there are different components to this belief in the self, which are: point of view, planning for the future, agency, resisting feeling helpless. To see this feels light, free, relaxed, and happy.3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It continues, so there's no last bit. But a significant shift happened when point of view was seen to be an illusion. (I had just assumed, unconsciously, that there was some place in space where seeing occurred, and I suddenly saw that this place is no place. The funny thing is that I didn't believe in the reality of point of view to begin with, yet I was still holding the belief at an unconscious level.) I came to understand then that any future progress would be a matter of seeing through some illusion, which is there just because I never looked closely enough or in the right way.4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I'm sitting in meditation and the thought arises to get up. Sometimes I do, but often I don't. Whether I do or don't, the reason and timing are a mystery. A decision is a thought. Action is spontaneous, not caused by thought.5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
I understand "intention" to refer to a long-term plan. I have an intention to reduce my weight. From experience, I know that not eating until at least 2 pm works for me. For a long time, I stuck to that routine. Lately, I have the thought, "I won't eat until at least 2 pm". Nevertheless, most days, I eat around 9 or 10 am. The intention (thought) is there, but it is not strong. It gets stronger when I consider that, if I don't restrict my eating, I will continue to gain weight until I suffer negative consequences (such as chewing my cheeks). Right now, I'm not chewing my cheeks, so the intention is not strong. Reflecting on this, I understand that I don't control the strength of my intention. Circumstances create motivation. I pretend to intend even though the actual (motivating) intention waxes and wanes. I don't control it. Visualizing chewing my cheeks has been motivating in the past, but I don't choose to visualize chewing my cheeks. Either it happens or it doesn't, and there is no self who is in control. (Reflecting on the last sentence I wrote, I wonder what kind of self has no power to control anything? If this self never existed, obviously it would have no control.)Describe intention & give examples from experience.
I have not believed in free will for a long time. In any circumstance, I will or will not do something, and then I might explain my action as my choice, but that is a lie. Example: Visiting a national park, I went to look down into a chasm from a high plateau. I imagined that I might jump and fall, but realized that doing so was not remotely possible. Example: I decide I'm going to be present. Very soon, thoughts arise and hook me, and I'm completely lost in thought and unaware of anything else. Example: I tell myself that I will tell a friend who has a habit of interrupting me that I want to finish what I was saying. When, predictably, he interrupts me, I keep quiet and feel hurt and helpless.Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Choice is when the thought arises that there are alternative possibilities for action. Further thoughts arise, accompanied by body sensations for each alternative imagined. A final thought says, "this is my decision". Usually, the corresponding action follows. Recently, a friend asked me to join an orchestra. I had already been thinking that I didn't want to join any orchestra, but she told me that they were playing a piece of music that I really like and that I was needed. I felt excitement and compassion. I thought of the reasons I had previously decided not to play in orchestra and noted the feelings that arose when I imagined those unpleasant aspects. Then, I heard myself telling her I would join. It seems that the process is automatic in the sense that no self is directing the sequence of thoughts and feelings.Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Control is the ability to influence outcomes. The best example I can think of is when I'm successful in sticking to my dietary routine. I postpone eating until at least 2 pm. Hunger arises with the thought, "I will tolerate it and it will go away". It goes away and a period of anorexia follows. When 2 pm arrives, I'm not hungry and I don't overeat. Then I stop because I've decided in advance that I will follow that procedure. What's happening here? Thoughts arose that I need to lose weight, and I've learned what doesn't work, and what does. I've also learned different strategies: when I feel hunger, I think, "If I eat, I will have just a moment of pleasure, and nothing more. It's not worth it. I can get the pleasure just by imagining eating. If I abandon this routine, my weight will increase to the point where I will have to do something more drastic, such as surgery." When I am successful in postponing eating, I feel a sense of accomplishment, which is a reward that reinforces the desired behavior for the next time. So this is choice again, but more elaborate and with many iterations. Nobody is choosing, but patterns, many of the learned over time, are playing out. In the end, there is control, but no controller.Describe control & give examples from experience.
Another example of control is driving a car. When I see another vehicle approaching, or an obstacle looming, I swerve. It is automatic. When I'm considering a route, I either follow my habit or I "decide", which means that thoughts and feelings of alternatives arise, and then there is a decision (thought) and action, but none of this is directed by anyone.
Everything arises spontaneously. There may be thoughts that there is some pattern, or a doer, but none is found in direct experience.What makes things happen? How does it work?
Conventionally, people hold me responsible, and I hold myself responsible, for every action of "my" body. But responsibility is a thought within an elaborate system of thoughts which include "right" and "wrong", "reward" and "punishment", "deserving" and "undeserving", "guilty" and "innocent", "wise" and "foolish", "selfish" and "generous", "cruel" and "kind". It's a practical tool of social control. To practically navigate the (relative) world, I need some sense of responsibility, some sense of control, some sense of choice, and some idea of a future, and some sense of self (as a useful fiction). None of this appears in direct experience. Example: When I was working as a pathologist, I learned that I made a misdiagnosis on a biopsy that was consequential for a patient. I felt fear and shame that only got worse with time, and I retired as soon as I could. This was unnecessary and irrational, because my actual diagnostic accuracy was comfortably within what my peers deemed acceptable. Now I see that, in a career in which I made 130,000 diagnoses, it is nearly certain that I made more mistakes than I'm aware of, and that everybody else does as well. Every day I worked, I had to decide whether I thought I knew enough to make a diagnosis or whether the case should be referred to an expert subspecialist. Now I see that what is, is. There is no way it could have been different. There is no Jeff who has something called "responsibility". I am not a "good person" or a "bad person". These are just thoughts.What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Whew, that was a lot! Gratitude, Stacy, for you and for Liberation Unlimited, and for this amazing life.6) Anything to add?