Hello

[Tan]

Honestly, now that I've started this investigation, they're just experiences now. No good or bad, just was. I can still look back
and feel love or feel hate, but there's a sense of peace that comes with it as well.

Beliefs and thoughts say whether something is good or bad. They come from parents, taught at a young age. It doesn't really always make sense but they were taught the same thing at a very young age so it makes sense to pass it down.

[Jadzia]

Yes, experience is just experience.

Beliefs and thoughts say whether something is good or bad. They come from parents, taught at a young age. It doesn't really always make sense but they were taught the same thing at a very young age so it makes sense to pass it down.

It is learned, yes.

Over the day have a look at the Arthur story. Observe it.
There are the stories about the 'past', telling who Arthur has been, what he experienced, what he learned or didn't learn from it, the people he knew, the interactions happening, school and what else appears.
There are the stories of the 'future`, dreams of what could or should happen.
There is the now in which all stories are produced, woven, moment for moment, each bit getting special significance by being related to the character Arthur.
Now there are even stories woven about Arthur being no self, no extra entity!!!! ;-)
Just watch all this. It is good to be able to see how the story is built and kept up.

Share what you find.

Love,
Jadzia

[Tan]

I've been on this site called blahtherapy, listening to people's problems. Observed the actions, and the sensations that came with it. From helping people and lightening their load, there's a sense of purpose, of fulfillment. Where does that come from? I don't know. Maybe because I've always wanted someone to do the same to me, to listen without bias or judgement, and merely welcome me with open arms. To give me a safe bubble where the other person actually listens, instead of just waiting to say their lines.

And since I've had the opportunity to experience that with the friend that showed me this site, and from you, I feel happiness I could give the same sense of safe space to others.

From the emotion, comes thoughts. There's an idea of the future where Arthur's a therapist, juggling a 9-5 with school again. And of course, doubt and expectations trail with it. There are no expectations of grandure, of changing the world, or anything of the sort. But expectations of being a positive impact on other people's lives. Then there are doubts that maybe I'll become jaded in the future because, of course, there will be failures that will tell me that I'm not a good therapist. From the doubts are fears, that since I've been talking to people around 30 to 35, and since I'm only 21, there's fear that I too will become jaded like they are.

But to see that it's all a story, that it's all a fabrication of the thoughts makes me okay. I become present. The thoughts are there somewhere at the back, but all that matters is now. And there's happiness that I actually know what I want to do with my life for the very first time.
---------

I look back at the past, wondering if I'd even be on here if I never broke my leg, if I never reconnected with my friend. It's pretty interesting how everything that leads up to now seems perfect, like it was all meant to be. I remember times when I broke my leg, that I'll look back at it in the future and feel gratitude for the experience, but at the time, it wasn't so clear to me how much that whole part of my life was needed.

I don't know if what I wrote makes sense, but there's no emptiness here, which I half-expected, rather there's happiness and gratitude. I could feel it on my brow and jaw.

[Jadzia]

Ok, you see it is all story but you followed it instead of looking how it is done, this story.

Lets have a look together.This is about seeing how a story is built and given credibility, ok, no judgement of what you wrote. Read this with a twinkle in your eyes and a smile.

I've been on this site called blahtherapy, listening to people's problems. Observed the actions, and the sensations that came with it.

Ok, something happened.

From helping people and lightening their load, there's a sense of purpose, of fulfillment. Where does that come from? I don't know. Maybe because I've always wanted someone to do the same to me, to listen without bias or judgement, and merely welcome me with open arms. To give me a safe bubble where the other person actually listens, instead of just waiting to say their lines.

Here comes the explanation why it happened an what it means. This we could call filling out the story, giving it reason and rhyme so to speak and make it easy to follow and understand. Smart, right?

And since I've had the opportunity to experience that with the friend that showed me this site, and from you, I feel happiness I could give the same sense of safe space to others.

Ah, the try on cause and effect, one can always be on the lookout to it.
What does cause and effect need?
Doesn't it need the idea of time? something happens and something follows somewhat later, or? Time???

There's an idea of the future where Arthur's a therapist, juggling a 9-5 with school again. And of course, doubt and expectations trail with it. There are no expectations of grandure, of changing the world, or anything of the sort. But expectations of being a positive impact on other people's lives. Then there are doubts that maybe I'll become jaded in the future because, of course, there will be failures that will tell me that I'm not a good therapist. From the doubts are fears, that since I've been talking to people around 30 to 35, and since I'm only 21, there's fear that I too will become jaded like they are.

Thoughts most fun function - daydreaming!
Plus looking for seemingly pros and cons, good stuff, doubts. Oh, this does fill out the story doesn't it, adds the juicy meat and fat, right? ;-)

I look back at the past, wondering if I'd even be on here if I never broke my leg, if I never reconnected with my friend. It's pretty interesting how everything that leads up to now seems perfect, like it was all meant to be. I remember times when I broke my leg, that I'll look back at it in the future and feel gratitude for the experience, but at the time, it wasn't so clear to me how much that whole part of my life was needed.

A looking for the red line, connecting events, gives a sense of meaning, very good, this strenghtens the idea of purpose.
Can you see how the story is woven? Isn't it amazing? It is so well done, it's genius at work!
One has to believe that this Arthur exists, right?

But to see that it's all a story, that it's all a fabrication of the thoughts makes me okay. I become present. The thoughts are there somewhere at the back, but all that matters is now.

Yes, it is all in the story, all story.
There is nothing wrong with the story at all. It will go on and it can be cherished.
But here is the but: It is good to know to check again and again for a while that it is story.
Does Arthur decide what he will do in the future?
Does he know it?
Or will just happen what happens and thoughts explain while going?

but there's no emptiness here, which I half-expected, rather there's happiness and gratitude. I could feel it on my brow and jaw.

What is emptiness, does it exist like emptiness or is it more emptyness/abundance something we only have two words for not one?
Happiness and gratitude is good, right?

Mull this over and share what you come up with.

Love
Jadzia

[Tan]

Does Arthur decide what he will do in the future?
Does he know it?
Or will just happen what happens and thoughts explain while going?

It will just happen and thoughts fill the blanks in between to make sense of it, fashioning answers as to why he's there and how he went there. Furthermore, thoughts strengthen the illusory sense of self, giving reasons to everything, and making the character believe in the idea that he chooses and decides what to do.

As that last sentence was written, there was a quick pang of denial, like in a quick instant, a flash of memories and a flash of the future flickered, telling me that what I do has no rhyme or reason, and that means I'll eventually return to past Sisyphean habits. Then a bit later, sort of beautiful? Like whatever happens happens. There's a fight here, between one thought that fears this is a good excuse for complacency - since if I can't choose or decide what to do, then why not just not do anything -
and another thought where - and this stumps me because it's not really a thought, but a feeling that says "it's okay". I don't really know. There's a sliver of beauty in the fact that there's no one that decides behind the eyes or any doer, but there's also a sense of melancholy. Like all these things I'm writing, they're just happening, while thoughts make me think there's someone inside my head doing it all. It's a bit jarring to see the words pop up as fingers type.

What is emptiness, does it exist like emptiness or is it more emptyness/abundance something we only have two words for not one?
Happiness and gratitude is good, right?

Yes happiness and gratitude is good. Emptiness is an absence of something, whether it be thoughts or sensations from emotions.

[Jadzia]

Beautiful, Arthur.

There's a fight here, between one thought that fears this is a good excuse for complacency - since if I can't choose or decide what to do, then why not just not do anything -
and another thought where - and this stumps me because it's not really a thought, but a feeling that says "it's okay".

Good thing is that neither is an Arthur doing something, nor isn't he doing something, right?
Life is life-ing, nothing is in the way.
And often there is a feeling/conviction showing the way. :-)

How do you feel with the Arthur is not an entity and controler of his life right now?

Love,
Jadzia

[Tan]

How do you feel with the Arthur is not an entity and controler of his life right now?

I can honestly feel love here. I kept coming back to this question, making sure I'm not rushing it, making sure I'm actually feel it. And everytime I read the question, there's joy and a sense of coziness? Like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

What was written on the last post was funny too, since that whole thought vs feeling thing is also in and of itself a thought staged to be real and is just merely part of the story, not me since there is no me anyway.

There's gratitude too in the sense that I'm glad I started this whole process. I love myself. Damn, those three words were really hard to write, like there's shame there, and then there's the feeling of it being undeserved,

I did some emotional work like you said right now, I feel at peace and still. It's good. There was love and shame, heavy, just focused on them two, felt my heart beat and my back vibrate from it. There's still a sliver of gratitude there but all in all I feel good.

I took a walk before this whole thing was typed out, it was nice, I was in every frame and every moment, just watching myself walk and open doors and look at silhouettes of branches like black spider webs against magenta skies. It was nice. These brief moments of stillness really just come out of nowhere, there was a thought of writing a post for you too but it was just watched and observed from far away.

Thank you.

[Jadzia]

I love myself. Damn, those three words were really hard to write, like there's shame there, and then there's the feeling of it being undeserved,

Love is good.
The feeling of being undeserved, have an eye on it, as other stuff it might be habitual thoughts, demeaning the character Arthur, feel it, sit with it, see what else is there and never forget: That what you are isn't Arthur. :-)

Lets check if every thing what is good to have seen is seen.
Here are some questions for you:
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Love,
Jadzia

[Tan]

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

None at all. And there was never any separate entity that chooses to do anything.

Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion of separate self is when we believe we're the characters - that inside Arthur is another entity controlling thoughts, emotions, and then the actions from what we believe are to be because of those thoughts and emotions. This whole illusion starts from thoughts, making other characters believe they are the ones in control when things happen. Thoughts pop up that explicitly say "I this" or "I that" when really they just happen just because. There's no I that wants something, or an I that chooses to do something, it's all just a Now.

Moreover, thoughts create a well-written story through the use of time. The movement of now doesn't exist but thoughts make it so and create the past to present to future so that it can fully layout how and why a character is in that position, all the while strengthening the idea of an "I" since thoughts give believable reasons in favor of the character being in control.

How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

There's definitely a shift in perspective, and it's easier to be aware of what's currently happening, and detaching from thoughts and what not. Before, and to be honest, it's really hard to remember, but it felt as though my head was stuck underground, and now that I've started this whole process, it's like the head's unstuck and I can breathe again. Just to see things for what they truly are is calming and reassuring, there's clarity here too.

Hard to remember honestly. Everything seemed to happen in an instant. Even the fact that this is 56th post is weird and surprising haha. Time doesn't mean much really. Now is what all that matters.

It's a bit contradictory too: Arthur's just a character and there's really no one here inside - no one controlling - yet it feels as though there's so much more control? Like being aware of thoughts and detaching from them to see them for what they are, being aware of the physicality of each step, being aware of buildings and whatever's in the field of vision bob with each lumber, just being really mindful of sense inputs and feelings and experiences.

[Jadzia]

Thanks.

yet it feels as though there's so much more control? Like being aware of thoughts and detaching from them to see them for what they are, being aware of the physicality of each step, being aware of buildings and whatever's in the field of vision bob with each lumber, just being really mindful of sense inputs and feelings and experiences.

There is a focus, yes, but is it Arthur choosing it?
Or is it just happening and how exactly it happens is a mystery?

Here some more questions:
What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Anything to add?

Any questions lingering around?

Love,
Jadzia

[Tan]

What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

I really don't remember. It just happened. There are thoughts that pop up to give reasons to it but they aren't true.

Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

They're all just thoughts. Just labels stemming from thoughts to strengthen the belief that we can choose. Things just happen, and I'm aware of this gnawing sensation that wants to know why but I understand it's also an innate thing thoughts bring up because they want a sensible story, a why, a cause and effect for every thing.

There's no responsibility really. The characters can continue to be responsible though, if they have that as one of their defining personalities.

Any questions lingering around?

I remember when you talked about how there's no separation at all at the very beginning. I do remember when we talked about the body. How there's just sense inputs really. Is there a connection there?

Also sorry for not replying yesterday. I got a flu. I'm better now.

[Jadzia]

Oh, I am glad you are better.

They're all just thoughts. Just labels stemming from thoughts to strengthen the belief that we can choose. Things just happen, and I'm aware of this gnawing sensation that wants to know why but I understand it's also an innate thing thoughts bring up because they want a sensible story, a why, a cause and effect for every thing.

Could you write something to all four of them, decision, intention, free will, choice and control?

There's no responsibility really. The characters can continue to be responsible though, if they have that as one of their defining personalities.

Yes the personality stays on and the character will 'act' in the same way than before.

I remember when you talked about how there's no separation at all at the very beginning. I do remember when we talked about the body. How there's just sense inputs really. Is there a connection there?

What exactly do you mean?

[Tan]

Could you write something to all four of them, decision, intention, free will, choice and control?

When an event happens, say I smoke a cigarette, thoughts fill inbetween the cracks and make me believe that I decided to do that. Simultaneously, it gives a cause and effect, a why, a reason, and then from there, an intention. These two kind of build on each other, and a lifetime of not realizing that thoughts aren't thought up from a thinker, it leads to the very strong illusion of free will, choice and control.

What exactly do you mean?

Well I don't fully understand the whole lack of separation. I've read around and stuff, but I haven't fully realized it.

I think this was written before but in the same way that bloodcells need a body to exist and a body needs bloodcells to exist, we need each other to exist and since that's the case we're all one?

[Jadzia]

Well I don't fully understand the whole lack of separation. I've read around and stuff, but I haven't fully realized it.

The realization that self is not a separate entity is step one.
1.
Here are two little excercises for you:
Sit or lay down with eyes closed.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

Is there an inside or an outside?


2.
Lie on your back and relax. Have a look at the ceiling.
There is thought to be a distance between that what is thought to be known as ‘body’ and that what is labelled ‘ceiling’.

Close your eyes. Now focus on the space between body and ceiling.
Take your time, breathe in and out and simply look. Keep the eyes shut.
What do you notice?
Is there a body? Is there a ceiling? Is there a distance?

Please answer all questions.

Love,
Jadzia

[Tan]

Can it be known how tall the body is?

No. With eyes closed no.

Does the body have a weight or volume?

No

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

None at all. Just sense inputs. There are mental images of it though, thoughts painting a portrait.

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?

With eyes closed, no. There is the direct experience of cloth on skin, but there's no distinct separation.

Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

No, there's only hardness.

Is there an inside or an outside?

Not really. It's hard to describe. The sensations have no boundaries, there's no inside or outside, it's just there.

Close your eyes. Now focus on the space between body and ceiling.
Take your time, breathe in and out and simply look. Keep the eyes shut.
What do you notice?
Is there a body? Is there a ceiling? Is there a distance?

With eyes shut, no celiing, no body, no distance exist. Just sense perceptions.

---
I took a walk before I finished this up. Since there's no separation, it means everything is connected right? I was walking, looking at the buildings, trees, and realized everything's linked together. I know it's not much of a realization but never really felt it before. It was pretty scary, like the sensation echoed how it felt the first week I started the process - a sense of a grand expanse.

It was raining too - I don't feel my face but I only feel sensations on it - itches, the raindrops.