The Gate

Good morning, Vivien :)

Is there an expectation here that Dion should stop appearing?
Or that thoughts/images about me/Dion should be gone?

Hahaha. Not exactly that. But I see what you mean. Am I just overlooking it?
I woke up at 2am last night, when the toilet door slammed. Was wide awake for an hour. And everything I could see was me.

Or is there any other expectation how seeing no self should be like or feel like?

Actually, yes. I’m expecting there to be a point of ‘aaaah!’
That might be what I’m having now. :) I can’t help but laugh.
Actually I was also expecting that I would see everything, consciously, (that is to say with the constant recognition) or idea that as this is only one. There is no division.
However, I can verify it anytime just by looking.
Still can’t find any ‘dion’, so I thought the idea might disappear, although I might not have recognised that before now.

Everything is as it has always been, except that there is no me, and I no longer believe in division. And everything takes care of itself.
And I just glide now. Nothing sticks.
Haha. Other than that, everything is just the same.
Oh, and the mind has lost it’s venom, it’s potency.

Haha. What a dumbass!

I sort of want to keep exploring, though. That’s ok, isn’t it? Keep looking... that sounds silly. How could I do anything but look.
ah, one more expectation. That there would be total relaxation. Just floating... which I am. But it doesn’t fit the image...
I had plenty of images left. I didn’t realise.
I can just let this be now.

Hi Dion,

All expectations, no matter what you expect is not what it is going to be like. Anytime you feel stuck, come back to expectations, if there is something that you think that should be happening, but it isn't- there is an expectation behind it. They are not useful but in the way.

I’m going to ask you lots of questions this time. But please don’t rush through them. Really look at each of them very thoroughly one-by-one.

Actually I was also expecting that I would see everything, consciously, (that is to say with the constant recognition) or idea that as this is only one. There is no division.
However, I can verify it anytime just by looking.

WHAT is it that wants to see everything continuously? What wants this?

Still can’t find any ‘dion’, so I thought the idea might disappear, although I might not have recognised that before now.

Dion has never ever been there. Not even before this investigation.
It’s never been any other way. So just because it’s seen that Dion is imaginary, why should its appearance change at all?

Oh, and the mind has lost it’s venom, it’s potency.

Is there a kind of entity called "mind" that has venom and potency?
Can you point to it now?

Can you observe what you call ‘mind’ here and now?
What is it in this very moment as you observe it?

That there would be total relaxation. Just floating... which I am. But it doesn’t fit the image...

Ohhh… so you are after a special state/experience where most of the emotions (especially the unpleasant ones) are gone, and you are just floating in STATE of peace and ease and relaxation?

WHAT is it that wants total relaxation?
What is it that could FEEL this total relaxation?

I woke up at 2am last night, when the toilet door slammed. Was wide awake for an hour. And everything I could see was me.

How do you know that everything was you?
Is there you that could be everything?

Vivien

Hi Vivien,

WHAT is it that wants to see everything consciously? What wants this?

It’s a thought. A believed in thought.

Dion has never ever been there. Not even before this investigation.
It’s never been any other way. So just because it’s seen that Dion is imaginary, why should its appearance change at all?

Yeah, of course. I see. I understand.
Soon after ‘Dion’ ‘disappeared’, I could see that it only ever existed as a belief. A set of ideas and images, believed in. Thank you for the clarification, and refocusing.

Is there a kind of entity called "mind" that has venom and potency?

No, there isn’t.

Can you point to it now?

No, I can’t.

Can you observe what you call ‘mind’ here and now?

No.

What is it in this very moment as you observe it?

I can’t observe it (the mind), but when images or ideas or concepts emerge, I see them. I had imagined that the conglomeration of these over time were like an entity of their own, named ‘the mind’.

Ohhh… so you are after a special state/experience where most of the emotions (especially the unpleasant ones) are gone, and you are just floating in STATE of peace and ease and relaxation?

I see your point. Because life has become smoother and deeper and lighter, I expected that it was a transition, or a movement towards the ever gradual increase in the sensation, until everything was ultimate peace and relaxation. I see now that I had had that expectation for a long time.
Thank you for pointing this expectation/ illusion out to me :)

WHAT is it that wants total relaxation?

It’s a remnant of one of the ideas tied up in ‘dion’, the idea of being overwhelmed, anxious, resistant, and the idea of wanting and needing a certain state in order to find rest.

What is it that could FEEL this total relaxation?

I don’t know how to answer that. Do you mean, what is it that could feel total relaxation, were it to occur? Then, it would be felt, but not by a thing, or an it. Just felt.

How do you know that everything was you?
Is there you that could be everything?

I see. No, there is no ‘me’ that could be everything.
I just mean that it occurred to me that wherever I looked, whatever I looked at... um... there was no feeling of locality. Just an identity with everything, equally. The realisation just occurred, without any feeling of attempting to see it. Or looking for it.

Thank you Vivien :)

Hi Dion,

I just mean that it occurred to me that wherever I looked, whatever I looked at... um... there was no feeling of locality. Just an identity with everything, equally.

So there was no feeling of locality.
And this experience is interpreted by thoughts as ‘identity with everything, equally’.

But WHAT is it that could identify with everything, equally?

WHERE is this thing/self/entity/me/I that could identify with everything equally?

Please REALLY LOOK at these questions. Don’t just reply back with an automatic thought conclusion that ‘of course there is no self/entity that could identify’. But rather ACTIVELY SEARCH for anyTHING that could be the one that identifies.

So there was everything with no feeling of locality. Can anything else be said?

What is the experience of identifying?
How the act of identifying is perceived? By which of the five senses?

Vivien

Hello Vivien,

The looking was powerful and strong today. The focus on existence. The 5 senses. The day started with a feeling of despair and dismay, because ‘I’ had lost ‘my’ truth.
‘I’ was lost. As the day went by the physical and mental condition lightened and simplified. After work, at a cafe, the looking was strong and focused.
It was seen that ideas, when focused upon, are like going down a rabbit’s hole of illusion. One leads to another. More complexity and the addition of fears and complications and other illusory accessories. With the movement of the seeing (although it’s not really movement, it’s more like the presentation of images on the seeing) back to pure experience, the rabbit’s hole disappears, and the simplicity of the now is seen. Although conversely, when moving into the rabbit’s hole of ideas, the world of the 5 senses also seemingly ceases to exist.
‘I’ only exists as a thought. As does ‘mine’, which can only exist in thought. When looking at ‘my’ bag, I recognise the bag as a bag, but to call it truly ‘mine’ seems ridiculous. More than that. It just isn’t. It can’t be ‘mine’, because there’s no-one to claim it.
When there was a feeling of leaving the cafe, the idea of ‘me’ arose with the idea, ‘if I leave here, I might lose this’. Then immediately the ideas of, ‘how can I lose experience of the senses?’, and ‘’I’ can’t lose anything, (if there was anything to lose, because there is no ‘I’’. ‘I’ only exists in thought. It’s only an idea. It Seems both the world of the 5 senses, AND the world of thought are both transitory. Neither are eternal.
And that brings me to what is perceiving it all. Zero. Blank, empty nothing. A silent, still, zero. So nothing that it can’t be perceived.

But WHAT is it that could identify with everything, equally?

The ‘me’. An idea. A concept. Only ‘I’ can identify with something.

WHERE is this thing/self/entity/me/I that could identify with everything equally?

It only exists as a transitory idea.
It only exists as an idea. When attention is fixed on direct experience, there is no me, no centre of position. Just experience. It’s super simple. Simple is even too difficult. It just is. It’s simpler than simple.

So there was everything with no feeling of locality. Can anything else be said?

I’m sorry, I can’t remember the experience very well. It would require reconstructing a scenario in based on a memory image. I’m not sure what the question means.

What is the experience of identifying?

It’s like an extension of ‘me’.

How the act of identifying is perceived? By which of the five senses?

None of the senses perceive it. It is only an imagination. Like an extension of ‘I’.

Thank you Vivien :)

Hi Dion,

‘I’ only exists as a thought. As does ‘mine’, which can only exist in thought. When looking at ‘my’ bag, I recognise the bag as a bag, but to call it truly ‘mine’ seems ridiculous. More than that. It just isn’t. It can’t be ‘mine’, because there’s no-one to claim it.

Yes, beautiful.

When there was a feeling of leaving the cafe, the idea of ‘me’ arose with the idea, ‘if I leave here, I might lose this’. Then immediately the ideas of, ‘how can I lose experience of the senses?’, and ‘’I’ can’t lose anything, (if there was anything to lose, because there is no ‘I’’. ‘I’ only exists in thought. It’s only an idea

Losing can happen only, if experience is owned by something / someone.

So please check it now.

So the bag is not owned by a ‘me’, but the experience is happening to me?

Is experience (whatever it is) is owned?
Does this experience is belong to someone, something?

Look at the display before you.

The everyday assumption is that there are:
1. Seer
2. Seeing
3. Seen

Can you find all three? How many are found?

Vivien

Hello Vivien :)

Right now I’m sitting in the shade, in the countryside, next to a stream, surrounded by mountains.
It’s so delicious. Especially the sound of the running water. It’s hot, but there’s a soft cool breeze. So idyllic.

So the bag is not owned by a ‘me’, but the experience is happening to me?
Is experience (whatever it is) is owned?
Does this experience is belong to someone, something?

There is no me. Only seeing. There is no me for experience to happen to. No-one to own it. No one to claim it.

Look at the display before you.
The everyday assumption is that there are:
1. Seer
2. Seeing
3. Seen

Can you find all three? How many are found?

That’s hard to describe. But it’s very simple to see. There’s no seer. And the seen and the seeing are one.

Thank you, Vivien

Hi Dion,

Right now I’m sitting in the shade, in the countryside, next to a stream, surrounded by mountains.
It’s so delicious. Especially the sound of the running water. It’s hot, but there’s a soft cool breeze. So idyllic.

Where are you? I’m in Australia and you are replying in my waking hours, so I assume that we are in same or in close to same time zones.

That’s hard to describe. But it’s very simple to see. There’s no seer. And the seen and the seeing are one.

Nice :)

Is there any doubt? Or can you say with a big fat YES that it’s clear the I, as a separate self is an illusion?

Vivien

Hi Vivien :)

Where are you? I’m in Australia and you are replying in my waking hours, so I assume that we are in same or in close to same time zones.

I’m in Japan :) You and I are one hour apart.
I used to live in Australia. In Perth. About 25 years ago. But I’m originally from New Zealand. Where are you in Aussie?

Is there any doubt? Or can you say with a big fat YES that it’s clear the I, as a separate self is an illusion?

There’s no doubt. I haven’t experienced any doubt yet. It’s right there to see, should doubt arise. But I want to spend more time looking. It’s still only freshly seen.
Does it sound weird to say I’d like to become more accustomed with it?

Hi Dion,

Where are you in Aussie?

I’m in Brisbane.

There’s no doubt. I haven’t experienced any doubt yet. It’s right there to see, should doubt arise. But I want to spend more time looking. It’s still only freshly seen.
Does it sound weird to say I’d like to become more accustomed with it?

Is there a fear or a concern that it might be lost?
Look for the one that possible could lose it. Who could lose it?
And what is it that could be lost?

Only an experience or a state can be lost.

Is there an assumption that seeing that the self is just an illusion a state or an experience?
Is it a state, or the fact of reality?

Seeing through the self is NOT an experience. Is not a different experience than what we are normally having.
Seeing through the self is a fact. And it has nothing to do with any experience or state.

Check it.
Is it a fact that the self is just an illusion or a state?

Vivien

Hello Vivien :)

Is there a fear or a concern that it might be lost?

Yes, there is. When attention moves into thought. I tried to see this evening, and felt sleepy, and couldn’t find the simplicity of just resting in the 5 senses.
Turmoil. Mild panic. Feelings of dismay.
Then later stillness and attention moved to the 5 senses, and everything was seen again. Feelings of relief and peace.

Look for the one that possible could lose it. Who could lose it?
And what is it that could be lost?

Once I was back to the simplicity of the 5 senses, I could see again.
See that ‘I’ only exist in thought. Attention seems to swing between thought and existence at a whim.

Is there an assumption that seeing that the self is just an illusion a state or an experience?

In illusion, it seems so distant. Unimaginable. But when it is seen that the self is an illusion, it’s like remembering, going ‘oh, yeah’.
Is the illusory self trying to worm its way into reality? When ‘I ‘ was in thought earlier, and tried to see the illusion, and couldn’t slow down enough, couldn’t relax enough to do so, there was a feeling of panic.

Is it a state, or the fact of reality?

I feel like I’m on a pendulum, swinging between peace, simplicity, reality on one side, and confusion, unease etc on the other.
I want to say I can't control it. Immediately I see that saying ‘I’ is counter to what ‘I’ve’ experienced. ‘I’m’ speaking from a state of illusion.
As this is written, clarity is beginning to return.
When there is a feeling of being lost in illusion, and seemingly not being able to get out, I figure I should just be patient until clarity returns.
Is that so?
Is this wild swinging to and fro just growing pains?
An energetic adjustment? Something like that?
Whatever it is, I’ll stick with it. And I’ll do my best to follow your pointing and guidance.
Thank you, Vivien :)

Hi Dion,

I am going to give you lots of questions this time, but all the questions essentially are the same. Please read very carefully each questions, and look at them one-by one. Don’t rush through this.

Yes, there is. When attention moves into thought. I tried to see this evening, and felt sleepy, and couldn’t find the simplicity of just resting in the 5 senses.

Ohhh… so there is a YOU that couldn’t find the simplicity of the 5 senses. Interesting.
And YOU WANT to rest in the simplicity of the 5 senses.

WHERE is this YOU that wants a better or more pleasant experience?
WHAT is it EXACTLY that could REST in the simplicity of the 5 senses?

Is there SELF/YOU that could rest anywhere?
Is there the ‘simplicity of the 5 senses’ AND YOU?

Turmoil. Mild panic. Feelings of dismay.
Then later stillness and attention moved to the 5 senses, and everything was seen again. Feelings of relief and peace.

OK. So you there is a YOU that had a mild panic and feelings of dismay who almost desperately wanted to get out of that unpleasant experience and wanted to go and rest in a different state of the ‘simplicity of the 5 senses’. And when YOU finally got there, there was just the feeling of relief and peace.

WHERE is the YOU that had was running away from the turmoil and the feeling of dismay and then finally it could rest in the relief and peace of the simplicity of the 5 senses?

Can you see that there is still a belief that there is a ME/self which both the pleasant and the unpleasant experiences happening to?
And this me/I wants to get a more pleasant experience?

Is seeing through the self is about ‘resting in the simplicity of the 5 senses’?

What could rest there if there is no YOU?

Once I was back to the simplicity of the 5 senses, I could see again.

YOU was back to the simplicity of the 5 senses?
WHERE is this you that can come and go into this simplicity?

See that ‘I’ only exist in thought. Attention seems to swing between thought and existence at a whim.

If the ‘I’ exist only in thought, then HOW could YOU be in and out of ANY state?

When ‘I ‘ was in thought earlier, and tried to see the illusion, and couldn’t slow down enough, couldn’t relax enough to do so, there was a feeling of panic.

There is still a belief here that there is a YOU that could be in thought or in experience. Can you see this?

I feel like I’m on a pendulum, swinging between peace, simplicity, reality on one side, and confusion, unease etc on the other.

This also shows that there is still a belief in a self/YOU.
Only an entity could be on a pendulum, swinging between peace and confusion. Can you see this?

I want to say I can't control it. Immediately I see that saying ‘I’ is counter to what ‘I’ve’ experienced. ‘I’m’ speaking from a state of illusion.

This also shows that there is a YOU which sometimes talk from the state of illusion and some other times talks from the state of simplicity/peace.

When there is a feeling of being lost in illusion, and seemingly not being able to get out, I figure I should just be patient until clarity returns.

So there is a YOU that is sometimes lost in the illusion, and sometimes it’s outside of the illusion?
WHERE is this YOU that could be lost in illusion?

Vivien

Hello Vivien :)

I think there was a belief that the 5 senses are truth and thought is fantasy, therefore the movement of attention into fantasy is undesirable. It should be resisted. Movement into fantasy = bad.
Also, attention seems to move where it pleases. ‘I’ can’t control the movement of attention. (I can see while writing this, that ‘me’ is all over it.)
If reality moves as it pleases, how can there be seeing of the 5 senses ‘on cue’.
That can’t be controlled, can it?
When you say, ‘Look hard’, it doesn’t seem possible to just sit down and immediately ‘see’. Thoughts may be racing in streams. Should the thoughts themselves be looked at? Or should there be an effort to direct attention to the 5 senses. Or, should there be a letting go, and allowing attention to slow? (If that’s possible).
Today, it didn’t seem possible to just look on cue. So I let go. And stopped wrestling with attention. (‘Me’ again).

WHERE is this YOU that wants a better or more pleasant experience?

I can’t find the ‘me’.

WHAT is it EXACTLY that could REST in the simplicity of the 5 senses?

There have been moments of quiet and stillness today, where it is seen there is no me. Just emptiness and ease.

Is there SELF/YOU that could rest anywhere?

Not that I can see. No.

Is there the ‘simplicity of the 5 senses’ AND YOU?

There’s only an image, a shadow, and idea of ‘me’. It’s like ‘me’ has become a habit.

WHERE is the YOU that had was running away from the turmoil and the feeling of dismay and then finally it could rest in the relief and peace of the simplicity of the 5 senses?

It was imagined. It’s like ruts in a dirt road that steer the cart.

Can you see that there is still a belief that there is a ME/self which both the pleasant and the unpleasant experiences happening to?
And this me/I wants to get a more pleasant experience?

I see it. I understand. As I was writing the message, I could see it, but felt I was unable to extricate ‘myself’ from it.

Is seeing through the self is about ‘resting in the simplicity of the 5 senses’?

No, it’s about seeing the illusory nature of the ‘me/ I’.

What could rest there if there is no YOU?
YOU was back to the simplicity of the 5 senses?

It was an image that the ‘me’ assumed based on the memory of the ease of existence. ‘Me’ created an image in which it was there in that simple time of ease. That it was present.

WHERE is this you that can come and go into this simplicity?

It isn’t.
If the ‘I’ exist only in thought, then HOW could YOU be in and out of ANY state?

There is still a belief here that there is a YOU that could be in thought or in experience. Can you see this?

I see. That’s an important point for me to look at. The ‘me’ in thought is only an image, a shadow, an idea without any substance.

This also shows that there is still a belief in a self/YOU.

I don’t want to admit it. But yes, there’s still a feeling of a ‘me’ arising, and it is believed in.
Only an entity could be on a pendulum, swinging between peace and confusion. Can you see this?
Yes. I see.

This also shows that there is a YOU which sometimes talk from the state of illusion and some other times talks from the state of simplicity/peace.

Talking from the place of ‘no me’, there is no ‘me’ to claim anything.
Once it was truly seen clearly that there is no ‘me’, nothing claimed it.
Right now just seems like a resurgence of illusion. I felt that more time spent in the seeing of existence would help to weaken and dissolve the belief in the ‘me’

So there is a YOU that is sometimes lost in the illusion, and sometimes it’s outside of the illusion?

I feel like the lesson, the power of the seeing just hasn’t hit the core. There is certainly no ‘me’ in the seeing of simple existence.

WHERE is this YOU that could be lost in illusion?

Can’t find it.

I’m going to try to spend the evening just looking. Looking hard, if possible.
If the intention is sufficiently strong, is it possible to see existence on cue?

Thank you Vivien :)

Hi Dion,

The problem is not with your looking. The problem is with your expectations.

I would like to ask you to sit down, and write me list of ALL your expectations how ‘this should be like’, all the assumptions, even the most insignificant ones.

Once you have the list, go through them one-by-one, spending lots of time with each, investigating them carefully.

How do you know that X should happen?
How do you know that if X happened then it means that the self is seen through?

What desires X to happen?
What could benefit from X happening?

So please post your list of all your expectations and assumptions and also what you have found after investigating them.

Vivien

Hello Vivien :)

Yes you are right.
I had expectations.
I knew what they were earlier today, but right now I can’t remember. :)
If you’d like to hear them, I can mail you again when I remember.
There have been some interesting experiences though.
Last evening after mailing you, I felt exhausted. (Do you prefer I say ‘there was a feeling of exhaustion’?).
I walked down stairs and was about to say, ‘man I’m tired’, but before it could be uttered, the thought was seen and questioned with, ‘who is tired?’.
Immediately, the tiredness disappeared, and crisp clear energy emerged.
Generally an awareness of the falsity of the ‘I’ is permeating experience.
Whenever ‘I’ is thought, it immediately stands out, there’s a pause, and it’s questioned.
There seems to be an automatic ‘oh’ or ‘ah’ when ‘I’ arises.
Thank you so so much for your help, Vivien :)
You’ve been a powerful catalyst and guide for this seeing.
Dion