The Gate

Hi BlakeBlue. :) Nice to hear from you!

I must admit I've had a very busy week with little time to watch. I felt I was living in a storm of (social) obligations and life practicalities (not by choice, but by unwanted circumstances and necessity), and I survived on auto-pilot (little room for consciousness). I also dropped into some old destructive coping patterns that led me away from the enquiry, from seeing the illusion, and from our conversation. This is the first time since I wrote you last time, I actually sit down quietly to contemplate and observe myself. The calm I experience now, feels like coming home.

Welcome home. :) Let's start it again.

Can we please continue our conversation - would you please guide me again?

Of course I will. :)

Let's start with something fresh and fun. Please point at yourself and
tell what the finger is pointing at.



Warm regards,



Bananafish

Hi Banafish,

Thank you for the continuation.

Please point at yourself and tell what the finger is pointing at.

My finger points at the concept of body.

Good night,
BlakeBlue

Good evening from Japan!

My finger points at the concept of body.

Can a concept be pointed at?
Could you do it again and report what is pointed at?



Best wishes,



Bananafish

Hi Bananafish :),

Can a concept be pointed at?

No, it can not.

Could you do it again and report what is pointed at?

It points no-where. It doesn't point. It isn't. No-thing.


Good night,
BlakeBlue

Hi BlakeBlue. :)



Now, please do the same with thought, images and sensations.
Can you point to thought, images and sensations themselves?



Best wishes,



Bananafish

Evening Bananafish,

Now, please do the same with thought, images and sensations.
Can you point to thought, images and sensations themselves?

No, I can not. Thought, nor images, nor sensations can not be pointed at.

Thank you :),
BlakeBlue

Good morning from Japan. :)



How are you feeling now?



Do you have anything you want to
explore further?



Warm regards,



Bananafish

Hi Bananafish,

How are you feeling now?

I'm afraid I haven't fully grasped the illusion of I. You said I'd know if I had realised... I feel I understand it rationally, but I've noticed being identified with the old story and the actress, her thoughts and behaviours this week again, with little distance to see their illusionary nature. So I feel I'm not living it, and I feel I've slipped back into the old skin to cope with this hectic, sleep-deprived and emotional period in my life.

I'm tired of seeing 'BlakeBlue' the movie, have seen it too many times, and I don't like BlakeBlue's character (anymore). Yet while the character's lines and behaviours are predictable, this week I was not conscious or strong enough to realise it's only a movie, BlakeBlue an actress, and to take distance.

So BlakeBlue starred this week. And while she revelled in this week's glitter and drama, I'd like to remove the make-up, strip the character, and burn the script. For good. (I'm disappointed to have dropped back into ignorant 'bliss').

Do you have anything you want to
explore further?

Are these fall-backs part of the process? And is a loss of consciousness and direction to be expected in stressful periods with little sleep? Does it mean I haven't understood?

Warm regards,
BlakeBlue

Hi BlakeBlue. :)



Yes, the fallbacks are a part of the process, and it’s not even a fallback. It’s more like a spiral growth.



When an issue pops up, you look at the reality of what popped up, with a new understanding on reality.
The basic point is to really see that there is no one to whom that issue is a problem.



Some issues that hadn’t felt to be a problem might appear out of blue as something intense,
which may be a sign of your understanding having started to unfold,
not being tolerant of the false view on reality.



It is important to be gentle when looking at these issues,
and not to try to push them off; instead, question the beliefs around them,
for which the primary question is “to whom is this a problem?”



And you can actually search for the “I” that is supposed have a problem.



Along the way, there would be a need to also cope with bodily sensations
(I personally have worked with this a lot), and there are some methods that work really well.
I can also tell some tips for becoming familiar with here and now and resting there
(hopefully in the next Skype session!).



Now, please look again and see if there is a concrete entity called “I.”
When you look for a car key that’s supposed to be on the sofa and
you don’t find it anywhere on the sofa, the understanding that there is no key is not intellectual, right?



Please look for the “I” in the same way and tell me if you found any. :)



Warm regards,

Bananafish

And wishing you a good night’s sleep. I don’t feel it has something to do with seeing through the illusion. Please be gentle to yourself, and if you find this inquiry too intense, feel free to have a little break.


Bananafish

Hi Bananafish,

Yes, the fallbacks are a part of the process, and it’s not even a fallback. It’s more like a spiral growth.

Thank you for this, I found comfort in these words.

Some issues that hadn’t felt to be a problem might appear out of blue as something intense,
which may be a sign of your understanding having started to unfold,
not being tolerant of the false view on reality.

I have experienced this in diverse manners, but I feel like I'm in some sort of storm, and I can not clearly feel / see what's what yet. I do feel that writing / talking has become somewhat of an issue: I find it increasingly difficult to elaborate on personal experience, and I keep deleting personal details. I feel a new mode of speech is arising, but the recalibration-process is unsettling, and it is energy-consuming. (I also seem to have a persistent low lever headache - a tension - don't know if it is related to our process).

It is important to be gentle when looking at these issues,
and not to try to push them off; instead, question the beliefs around them,
for which the primary question is “to whom is this a problem?”


And you can actually search for the “I” that is supposed have a problem.

This is very useful advice. Thank you.

I'm trying it now, since I'm in a new environment and there are new noises I'm not used to, and this gives emotional tension. I'm trying to look for the "I" that is irritated with the noise, but can not really find one.

Along the way, there would be a need to also cope with bodily sensations
(I personally have worked with this a lot), and there are some methods that work really well.
I can also tell some tips for becoming familiar with here and now and resting there
(hopefully in the next Skype session!).

I would love to hear, and I'd like to have another Skype-session.

Now, please look again and see if there is a concrete entity called “I”

I can find none.

When you look for a car key that’s supposed to be on the sofa and
you don’t find it anywhere on the sofa, the understanding that there is no key is not intellectual, right?

Right.

Please look for the “I” in the same way and tell me if you found any. :)

I've granted myself a day to meditate on this (had a good night sleep and had a quiet day) and found no "I" most of the time. Only with the irritation of the noises, the sense of "I" became stronger again and I was washed with fears of having made a bad decision to move to this place... In these moments it's hard to realise no-self.

Let's see what the night brings...

Wish you a nice Sunday,
BlakeBlue

Hi BlakeBlue. :)

Only with the irritation of the noises, the sense of "I" became stronger again

Can you describe what the sense "sense of 'I'" is?
Is it something that becomes strong or weak? How do you directly (without interpretation)
perceive it?

I was washed with fears of having made a bad decision to move to this place...

Could you describe it further? What kind of thoughts, sensations, or images do you perceive?

In these moments it's hard to realise no-self.

Do you have to "realize no-self" all the time?



Warm regards,



Bananafish



p.s. Let's arrange another session sometime around this weekend.
I will send you a PM regarding it.

Hi Bananfish,

Can you describe what the sense "sense of 'I'" is?

Yesterday there were mainly thoughts and judgements.

Is it something that becomes strong or weak?

Thoughts well up like waves in an ocean throughout the day. When the thoughts are strong, or related to me personally, there is an inclination, an old habit, to identify, and to think in terms of 'I'.

Could you describe it further? What kind of thoughts, sensations, or images do you perceive?

It was a flurry of:

a). thoughts about wanting to get out of the situation, wanting to break the contract (I actually called the landlord to tell him within 5 min of entering the appartement), thoughts that I will again not be able to sleep, fear of more sleep deprivation, and thinking that sleep deprivation decreases productivity, emotional stability, which increases social uneasiness, (yet the thoughts were much less coherent)
b). bodily sensations - raised heartbeat, contracted tummy, anxious voice.
c). No images this time.

I can see now it was a panic reaction in which I projected past experiences, and the idea of a stable 'I', onto the new situation in the form of thoughts, thinking this situation would be the same (I heard a door bang in the hallway).

Off course I slept badly, but by thinking about our process, the question arose if I really am a light sleeper, or that the identification with the 'I' of the light sleeper programs my mind to listen for noises that wake me up - chicken or egg? Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Realising that the identification with the 'I' of the light sleeper might be the cause for 'my' sleeping problem (that 'my' says it all), I spent this Sunday looking for the light sleeper, and the one who is tired. I found sombre thoughts and physical discomfort (headache, drowsiness etc), but no entity of 'I'. The distance made me calm, and quiet and I managed to just watch relatively well.

Be well,
BlakeBlue

PS I will reply the PM.

Hi BlakeBlue. :)

When the thoughts are strong, or related to me personally, there is an inclination, an old habit, to identify, and to think in terms of 'I'.

Could you tell me a bit more about thought being “strong?”
Is it about the relation to the image of “you?”

The distance made me calm, and quiet and I managed to just watch relatively well.

Nice! :) Please be friends with that quietness.
Observe the reaction when something similar happens, and
see if you’re responding to it differently.



And you don’t necessarily do it well.
If it doesn’t go well, that’s also good.
Be gentle to yourself, and keep on observing. :)



Warmly,



Bananafish

Hi Bananafish,

Could you tell me a bit more about thought being “strong?”
Is it about the relation to the image of “you?”

Thoughts being 'strong' indeed means strongly related to the image of 'me'. 'Weaker' thoughts are random thoughts that are less related to the image.


A note on our process: by your continuous pointing, I seem to be training a reflex of seeking for the 'I'. Before this week I feel I didn't really understand it entirely and it was hard to do it consequently. Just to tell you what pointing really helped (maybe it can help others too):

When an issue pops up, you look at the reality of what popped up, with a new understanding on reality.
The basic point is to really see that there is no one to whom that issue is a problem.

It is important to be gentle when looking at these issues,
and not to try to push them off; instead, question the beliefs around them,
for which the primary question is “to whom is this a problem?”

And you can actually search for the “I” that is supposed have a problem.

That, to me, really hit home. (surely it was not a singular realisation - this couldn't of happened without the previous pointing, but it was strong)

About today: I managed to watch a conversation with someone who touches me deeply in a more detached manner, without really being detached or cold, but closer in a way, because thoughts and emotions didn't drag me away as much as they used to. While he spoke, I listened, but I was looking for the I that listened. I found none. Then I looked for the I that 'felt emotional'. I found 'emotional' was strong bodily sensations, but then I found no body. Then it became a meta-reflection as I watched thoughts about the process here, on Liberation Unleashed, and I felt a smile, but I found no thinker and no-one smiling. When I replied, the words didn't really feel like they were mine, as if they came from nowhere, and I found no speaker. And I was content, as all just drifted by, like an orchestra of happenings of which I was the watcher, and I found a deep beauty in the experience. No words can really do it justice now :).

Nice! :) Please be friends with that quietness.
Observe the reaction when something similar happens, and
see if you’re responding to it differently.

Not having seen this person before starting the process here, and knowing how our encounters stirred me emotionally before, it was remarkable to see how my perception of reality changed and how quiet I was. So yes, I believe the response / reaction is changing.

And you don’t necessarily do it well.
If it doesn’t go well, that’s also good.
Be gentle to yourself, and keep on observing. :)

The advice on gentleness is much appreciated, I come from far.

Please keep on pointing - I feel the experience is deepening every day and I'm grateful.

A warm thank you,
BlakeBlue