1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. I can honestly say that there is no I anywhere at all now. I don't understand really how this happened from looking but there is no I. Interestingly this morning I noticed something missing and it was "I". haha. There never was an I. I have kept a diary for many years, particularly when I when to theological college, and I realised that "stuff" was always happening but I had a different story that was layered on top of this life that gave me a sense of control and personal agency. However, as life continued the same stuff of life would continue to happen but there would be a different interpretation of this stuff. It is obvious that there never was an I controlling anything in life.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of a separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
[quote3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.[/quote]
It seems to me that the separate self is just a collection of thoughts. These thoughts develop as we grow up based on a stimulus-response to our environment and our genetically inherited dispositions. Probably develops as language develops and is reinforced by our family. As a child, there seems to be a biological and psychological imperative to separate from our parents. Possibly this separation is the beginning of the development of an I. In my experience, this I became very angsty, struggling with meaning and purpose which resulted in quite a dense feeling. This feeling was sensed as bodily sensations of depression and futility. This focused attention upon those external events that reinforced these thoughts and so it became a self-perpetuating cycle. This made it very difficult to observe at what was ACTUALLY happening in life.
It seems difficult to believe that this was how life was for me for many many years. Now life seems to happen without a controller. I find it difficult to use words to describe this shift as it was so subtle, yet profound. There is a psychological space. what I mean by this, is it feels like I have more bandwidth available in my broadband. The psychological burden of an intense sense of I has been relieved and life seems to happen with little effort. It doesn't mean things aren't frustrating, but the frustration, anger, annoyance seems to flow through and dissipate very quickly. (No fuel from the I story to keep those emotions going). My personal experience had been a reduction of anxiety at work. Having to run groups and teach unfamiliar content has been very stressful at times. I am guessing that because there is no I, I can't be embarrassed - embarrassment may happen but there is no I to be affected by it.
There have been moments of compassion for others (?) Its not that there was not compassion before, but it was only handed out to the "deserving". I noticed that individuals that usually provoke a negative or ambivalent reaction there was a compassionate response. It's interesting because my response to "seeing" almost doesn't matter. It's like that old Zen story about the farmer who indicates that life events aren't good or bad they just are. " oh (mild surprise) of course (complete mundane acceptance )."
But even as I write this, I realise this too is just a story and life is happening all on its own :)
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I think your relentless questions!!!! :) The constant pressure I felt to respond kept me accountable. This helped me keep focus remain looking day after day. I really found the exercises helpful. For some reason, the hand flip exercise seemed to convince "my stubborn mind" about control over my body, despite the fact my body completes millions of tasks per day without "my" consent.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
b) What makes things happen? How does it work?
c) What are you responsible for?
d) Give examples from experience.
a) Life just flows. There is no control of thoughts, emotions or responses to the environment. This just happens. There is the "appearance of choice" when 2 or more options are given but subconsciously outside of conscious control decisions are made probably based on biological, social, environmental and neurological responses.
b)I have no idea where motivations or interests come from so it hall happens by itself with no input from an I. I don't know what makes anything happen, and it doesn't matter because that is just another thought.
c) this is an interesting question ...... I immediately want to look towards philosophy however in my experience I am responsible for nothing
d) This morning, choosing breakfast. Multiple options were available, I chose quinoa porridge, I don't know why. It tastes good (particularly with berries on top), I don't know why it tastes good to me, I had no control over that preference either.
It has been a very interesting and challenging time. The perception shift was ever so subtle but it occurred. I realised I probably had more expectations than I thought. Life is just the same, but no sense of enlightenment as I imagined. But even that doesn't matter. There never was a gate and there never was an I to go through. so its back to carrying water chopping wood (with a lot less bitching about)
Thank you very much for your ongoing support and challenge through this process. Can't thank you enough.
deeply gratefully yours
b