Guiding beyond gate

[Anne71]

Hi John,

How do you know to answer 'Yep'?
Where do you go to check if you're here or not?

There’s sound and colours and other sensations. So i go into the body to check. And there is thought.

Ok, yes, it's given.
Were you in the given, or were you the given too?
Drop any idea of being separate from what is given.

I am both. I am surrounded by the given and i am given, too. What else would i be?
In that sense i am not seperate.
Separation comes with sensation and thought. I can not feel what a flower or a bird feels. I do not know what an other person thinks.

Imagine the possibility that everything you had ever known about yourself was wrong.
Everything.
So, in sitting here, you have nothing to refer to, but what is. No time.

Memories (history) and dreams (future) are only thoughts anyway. Memories might be true or might probably be not (bc of filters).
So what is left, is this moment.
I intellectually get it but i need to feel into this. I ll do this in my meditation practice i started again.

Here's one interpretation. You have held onto your world view for so long, it is parked. The world view is not dancing to your tune, and in the end, drops away whether you like it or not.

Interesting interpretation.
The most profound thing was for me of feeling no fear but couriosity the first time.

So, continue to loosen any hold on how it should be, or how you want to be.
More and more open to how it is, whether you like it or not. :)

You know, a while ago i felt not very much. Since writing with you there are some sentences, that make me cry. Even walking in the forrest and wind stirring up some leaves make me cry. Although i m not particularly sad.
I guess it’s a big cleaning up.

Thank you for writing to me :-)

Greetings from Anne

[s-p-a-c-e]

How do you know to answer 'Yep'?
Where do you go to check if you're here or not?

There’s sound and colours and other sensations. So i go into the body to check. And there is thought.

How do you know?
Step back into, "Am I here?"
No particular sound, colour, sensation, body, thought will help.

Once you sense, I am here, follow it all the way.

Ok, yes, it's given.
Were you in the given, or were you the given too?
Drop any idea of being separate from what is given.

I am both. I am surrounded by the given and i am given, too. What else would i be?
In that sense i am not seperate.
Separation comes with sensation and thought. I can not feel what a flower or a bird feels. I do not know what an other person thinks.

Feel the giveness. All here. Consider the sheer miracle of all this, here, and you, here. This slice of moment, endlessly gone, never to return.

Imagine the possibility that everything you had ever known about yourself was wrong.
Everything.
So, in sitting here, you have nothing to refer to, but what is. No time.

Memories (history) and dreams (future) are only thoughts anyway. Memories might be true or might probably be not (bc of filters).
So what is left, is this moment.
I intellectually get it but i need to feel into this. I ll do this in my meditation practice i started again.

Each time you settle on an answer, set it aside.
Each time afresh.
Only go as far as feels ok to go.

Interesting interpretation.
The most profound thing was for me of feeling no fear but curiosity the first time.

Good. Add some courage in there to give the curiousity some juice.

So, continue to loosen any hold on how it should be, or how you want to be.
More and more open to how it is, whether you like it or not. :)

You know, a while ago i felt not very much. Since writing with you there are some sentences, that make me cry. Even walking in the forrest and wind stirring up some leaves make me cry. Although i m not particularly sad.
I guess it’s a big cleaning up.

It's a softening of the heart, yes, a cleaning, and a brave willingness to face the things you have avoided looking at for so long - without judgement or blame, but with warmth, kindness and some compassion for yourself.

Thank you for writing to me :-)

It's a pleasure.

Warm wishes,
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,

Step back into, "Am I here?"
No particular sound, colour, sensation, body, thought will help.

Once you sense, I am here, follow it all the way.

Imagine the possibility that everything you had ever known about yourself was wrong.
Everything.
So, in sitting here, you have nothing to refer to, but what is. No time.

Each time you settle on an answer, set it aside.
Each time afresh.
Only go as far as feels ok to go.

Good. Add some courage in there to give the curiousity some juice.

So, continue to loosen any hold on how it should be, or how you want to be.
More and more open to how it is, whether you like it or not. :)

It's a softening of the heart, yes, a cleaning, and a brave willingness to face the things you have avoided looking at for so long - without judgement or blame, but with warmth, kindness and some compassion for yourself.

Thank you for the helpful instructions.

No breakthrough during meditation.
Just anger coming up bc of neighbours intruding. It tried to handle that distractions like birds or wind (did not work very well).

Ill keep practicing.

Greetings from Anne

[Anne71]

Hi John,

today i realized, that i put a whole story around the stuff happening with my neighbours.
Next time i just want to feel the sensations without adding too much tought.

Even during the day i sometimes ask my self: "am i here?" It has a calming effect.

Greetings from Anne

[s-p-a-c-e]

today i realized, that i put a whole story around the stuff happening with my neighbours.
Next time i just want to feel the sensations without adding too much tought.

Excellent. You can practice by seeing that such a story has nothing to do with you whatsoever.
Give it zero value, no attention, just brush it off, each time.

Even during the day i sometimes ask my self: "am i here?" It has a calming effect.

Nice one. Yes, it has a reflexive effect. When we get hooked into story, or being away with the fairies, 'Am I here?' brings it back to knowing without knowing how you know, or needing to.

Cooling wishes on this hot day :) (at least it is here)
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,

nothing spectacular happened, besides finding some money (1 eur) and getting pooped on by a passing bird :-)

Am I here?' brings it back to knowing without knowing how you know, or needing to.

I am not sure if i know or if i just think i am here.
Trying to feel more than think.

Yeah, pretty sunny here, too.

Greetings from Anne

[s-p-a-c-e]

nothing spectacular happened, besides finding some money (1 eur) and getting pooped on by a passing bird :-)

It comes down to lifting a hand.
If you look at a hand and ask it to lift, it won't.
If you look at a hand and think for it to lift, it won't.
You might wonder when it will lift.
You might wonder what it is that causes it to lift, if anything.
When it lifts it seems to just happen, all by itself.
There was no-one to lift it.
That's the story isn't it.
And a very good one it is too.

What do we mean by 'there was no-one to lift it?"
Well, we couldn't find one.
How did we go about finding one?
By observation, by looking.
But what were we looking for?
A self capable of lifting a hand?
And do we know what that might be like?
No we don't.
So, rather like a Heffalump, we didn't find one.

But what if we missed a trick?
What if I am un-observable?
Like an eye seeing an eye.
What if instead of looking for a self to lift a hand, I see...
That I am lifting the hand, and I don't feel myself to be doing so.
Perhaps having been so identified as a self in the head, I've forgotten I am?
Maybe not.

Entertain the possibility that you lift the hand.
You are not 'Anne' or the story of Anne.
You can lift a hand and count to ten, amongst your many skills. :)

Imagine, you are lifting the hand.
Rather than putting observation in the middle, a spanner in the works.
Just imagine, humour me :) - that you lift a hand, walk, speak, and eat.
Imagine, that.

As a child you got up to all sorts.
Did it ever occur to you that you were not swinging on a swing?

Warm wishes,
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,

Mind is very greedy and always shouting for attention.

Like an eye seeing an eye.
What if instead of looking for a self to lift a hand, I see...

The last sentence seems to be very important but i dont know why. Its like this headless thing or turning around to stare into my own face.

During guiding last year i stared into a mirror for maybe 20 minutes and after a while my face seemed like the one of a robot - eyes focusing and stuff. 'This is not my body', i thought.
Later when meeting other ppl i thought 'who is in there?", 'do they know?'
When looking at some reflecting surface like a puddle, windows or the mirror of a motorbike i alsways thought that the real world would be in there, behind that reflection.

As a child you got up to all sorts.
Did it ever occur to you that you were not swinging on a swing?

I still cant remember how it was back then.
Its very confusing to read what you write bc you seem to use 'you' in different kind of meanings.


Greetings from Anne

[s-p-a-c-e]

Like an eye seeing an eye.
What if instead of looking for a self to lift a hand, I see...

The last sentence seems to be very important but i dont know why. Its like this headless thing or turning around to stare into my own face.

Often we tend to act from the head, as if our 'me', if it was anywhere, was located there.
Often in the centre, behind the eyes.
If you sense that 'Anne' in the head, you can directly imagine looking straight at this 'Anne', to 'see' what's there.
You can imagine seeing straight through the head and out the other side.

Give it a bash.

During guiding last year i stared into a mirror for maybe 20 minutes and after a while my face seemed like the one of a robot - eyes focusing and stuff. 'This is not my body', i thought.
Later when meeting other ppl i thought 'who is in there?", 'do they know?'
When looking at some reflecting surface like a puddle, windows or the mirror of a motorbike i alsways thought that the real world would be in there, behind that reflection.

Yeah, it's great fun that. When I do it my face morphs into one stranger after another. :)

Most people are, like ourselves, not especially conscious, and fixated on the song of self.
It doesn't occur to folk to ask the question.
Anyway, I let others do what they do. :)

Its very confusing to read what you write bc you seem to use 'you' in different kind of meanings.

I do indeed.
Usually, when I write you, I'm referring to the conventional you as in everyday conversational speech.
So it's not any grand statement about the nature of self.
For example, when you lift a hand.
Now, of course, this can be taken in several different ways.
As a conventional point, as mentioned above.
Or suggesting a you that lifts.
That suggested you that lifts could be seen as a synonym for self.
It could be a you that has nothing to do with self.

In lifting a hand, does it require a lifter, a you to lift?
What if you are the lifting?

Best wishes,
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,


Thoughts are strange things. You can not see them. Maybe animals sometimes have them too, like ‘miaouw’ or ‘woofwoof‘.

On the other hand, stuff is being done without thought. Like breathing, chewing, digesting, dreaming, sleeping.
Its not necessary to say that other stuff like talking, thinking, working, is done by a ‘me’. It would happen without thoughts, too. So: no self necessary.

When doing the mirror-exercise i started crying but i just kept staring and then something switched.

Sometimes when looking a stuff i am overwhelmed and there are no thoughts, just tears.

Maybe the tears are a kind of sign that says ‘keep going, dont turn away’.
Hopefully i’ll remember it next time.

One of these moments was, when i was in the museum of modern arts in edinburgh. I turned around a corner and saw a huge painting by Bridget Riley ‘Vespertino‘. My mind was totally confused and there was no place to settle for my mind. Like trying to make sense of the painting and not being able to.

As i am writing this i remember reading on ‘allaboutheaven.org’ about gateways to mystical experiences. One gateway is that of overwhelmment of the senses (is that a word?). I cant find the exact page again. The site is quite confusing.

I guess you had several ‘glimpses’, too, before the way of seeing stayed?

In lifting a hand, does it require a lifter, a you to lift?
What if you are the lifting?

No lifter
No thought
No you
No self required

I am not the thoughts, not the body, not the sensations
But i am the movement?

Maybe there is no i.
How can there be movement in the now?
Movement is a comparison from before to after (time).
There is no time in now.

Greetings from Anne

[s-p-a-c-e]

On the other hand, stuff is being done without thought. Like breathing, chewing, digesting, dreaming, sleeping.
Its not necessary to say that other stuff like talking, thinking, working, is done by a ‘me’. It would happen without thoughts, too. So: no self necessary.

When doing the mirror-exercise i started crying but i just kept staring and then something switched.

Sometimes when looking a stuff i am overwhelmed and there are no thoughts, just tears.

Good.

Maybe the tears are a kind of sign that says ‘keep going, dont turn away’.
Hopefully i’ll remember it next time.

One of these moments was, when i was in the museum of modern arts in edinburgh. I turned around a corner and saw a huge painting by Bridget Riley ‘Vespertino‘. My mind was totally confused and there was no place to settle for my mind. Like trying to make sense of the painting and not being able to.

As i am writing this i remember reading on ‘allaboutheaven.org’ about gateways to mystical experiences. One gateway is that of overwhelmment of the senses (is that a word?). I cant find the exact page again. The site is quite confusing.

I guess you had several ‘glimpses’, too, before the way of seeing stayed?

Seeing doesn't stay as much as evolve.
As it is doing with you right now.

In lifting a hand, does it require a lifter, a you to lift?
What if you are the lifting?

No lifter
No thought
No you
No self required

Given self is a story, 'no self required' is moot. A story can't lift.

I am not the thoughts, not the body, not the sensations
But i am the movement?

Maybe there is no i.
How can there be movement in the now?
Movement is a comparison from before to after (time).
There is no time in now.

Having seen that self is a fiction. What I hope you don't plan on doing is making up a whole new fiction based on some non-duality drivel.

'Anne' is a fiction. You get this. Being a fiction 'Anne' is not a she, a me, or an I.

So you sit without this identity. It's gone.

What now.

Let's leave this open space as it is.

Yes, things are done, words are spoken, body moves.

Place the focus on being conscious of this. Notice how conscious you are.

With warm wishes,
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,

Having seen that self is a fiction. What I hope you don't plan on doing is making up a whole new fiction based on some non-duality drivel.

Thank you for speaking frankly. I have no plans on making up a non-duality-story :-)

I am just trying to peel of layers that are not me.

I dont understand what we are doing here. But maybe it is not the goal for me to understand.
Are you trying to confuse me, till my mind gives up? :-)

My point where i am now is:
I understand what i am not.
And to see what i am, i have to be concious.

Maybe you think i havent got it yet.
You write me and all kinds of thoughts come up and i write them down.
Or do you want me to focus only on what i observe?

There are thoughts of going in circles.
Please tell me what to to.
I meditate every day and i can write you what was happening.
If you want, i can surrender and just keep answering. I really do enjoy writing with you.
I dont want to criticise. And i do trust you. Yet i feel drawn to write down my thoughts to answer you and i start guessing about ‘conciousness’ and ‘me’ bc i only can make up a concept as long as i havent seen yet.
Maybe i just should drop the stories of ‘doing something to achieve something’ and ‘purpose’.

Seeing doesn't stay as much as evolve.
As it is doing with you right now.

Ok, i am looking forward to that. At the moment seeing is quite rare.
Or maybe i expect to much, by thinking the awesomness will be seen more often.

Given self is a story, 'no self required' is moot. A story can't lift.

'Anne' is a fiction. You get this. Being a fiction 'Anne' is not a she, a me, or an I.

So you sit without this identity. It's gone.

What now.

Let's leave this open space as it is.

Yes, things are done, words are spoken, body moves.

Place the focus on being conscious of this. Notice how conscious you are.

Yes, practice this every day.
What do you want me to write about?

Greetings from Anne

(I'll go now and notice how concious i am)

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Anne,

Having seen that self is a fiction. What I hope you don't plan on doing is making up a whole new fiction based on some non-duality drivel.

Thank you for speaking frankly. I have no plans on making up a non-duality-story :-)

Oh good. :)

I am just trying to peel of layers that are not me.

I dont understand what we are doing here. But maybe it is not the goal for me to understand.
Are you trying to confuse me, till my mind gives up? :-)

The thought did cross my mind. :D

My point where i am now is:
I understand what i am not.
And to see what i am, i have to be concious.

It helps. The less conscious we are, the more we yoyo between seeing and 'self'.
Then again, if you're ok with that, no problem.

Maybe you think i havent got it yet.
You write me and all kinds of thoughts come up and i write them down.
Or do you want me to focus only on what i observe?

You saw what you saw, and then seek to make it persistent. That indicates there is more to see.
For what could persist?

Also, my intention is to open up possibilities for you. Whether you explore them is up to you.

There are thoughts of going in circles.
Please tell me what to to.
I meditate every day and i can write you what was happening.
If you want, i can surrender and just keep answering. I really do enjoy writing with you.
I dont want to criticise. And i do trust you. Yet i feel drawn to write down my thoughts to answer you and i start guessing about ‘conciousness’ and ‘me’ bc i only can make up a concept as long as i havent seen yet.
Maybe i just should drop the stories of ‘doing something to achieve something’ and ‘purpose’.

That would be a very good thing to do. There is nothing to achieve or gain. So best to give up on that.
Having given up, the body, mind, relaxes. There's tension in attempting to reach some in-definable goal.
So yes, let it go, give up.

Seeing doesn't stay as much as evolve.
As it is doing with you right now.

Ok, i am looking forward to that. At the moment seeing is quite rare.
Or maybe i expect to much, by thinking the awesomness will be seen more often.

Drop the expectations too, give them up with the achieving, purpose thing.

So you are left here. Breathing, being, smiling at a push. ;)

Yes, practice this every day.
What do you want me to write about?

What is awesomeness (for you)?
And what isn't?

A few examples would be great.

Warm wishes,
John

[Anne71]

Hi John,

your answer makes me feel good.
:-))

I'll take sometime to explore and get back to you tmrrw.

Greetings from Anne

[Anne71]

Hi John,

thanks again for your answer.
It felt like armes being opened for me.

I have no plans on making up a non-duality-story :-)

But please let me know if s.th. smells like nonduality.

It helps. The less conscious we are, the more we yoyo between seeing and 'self'.
Then again, if you're ok with that, no problem.

I’d like to change the balance towards being more concious as a default and choosing self if i might need it.

You saw what you saw, and then seek to make it persistent. That indicates there is more to see.
For what could persist?

Why would seeking to make it persistent indicate, that there is more to see?
Maybe seeking is just a story.
Or does seeking stop, when i saw everything that there is to see?

Also, my intention is to open up possibilities for you. Whether you explore them is up to you.

Yes, i love that - possibilities and exploring.
In exploring you might get lost
but you also might find something that is new.

Maybe i just should drop the stories of ‘doing something to achieve something’ and ‘purpose’.

That would be a very good thing to do. There is nothing to achieve or gain. So best to give up on that.
Having given up, the body, mind, relaxes. There's tension in attempting to reach some in-definable goal.
So yes, let it go, give up.
Drop the expectations too, give them up with the achieving, purpose thing.

Ok, that is very relieving.
There were enough goals i tried to achieve. The journey sucked quite often and reaching the goal was not as rewarding as i expected.

So you are left here. Breathing, being, smiling at a push. ;)

Yes, practice this every day.

What do you want me to write about?

What is awesomeness (for you)?
And what isn't?

A few examples would be great.

Alright…

Delete
Delete
Delete

I wrote some examples about what i thought was awesome. But i deleted them, bc it was all mindstuff and ideas. Here is my original sentence:

Or maybe i expect too much, by thinking the awesomness will be seen more often.

With this awesomeness i mean seeing without thoughts and judging and comparing and fear.
Just being overwhelmed by beauty.
Well, this might be a bit too much to have this all the time. :-) And i enjoy thinking and making up stories.

So, some balance and ease and recognizing would be nice.
But i am willing to drop that too and take just couriosity.

And what isn't? (Awesomeness)

Well, here’s the trick.
I guess everything is awesome if you look closely without concepts.
Just seeing without trying to understand.

Let's leave this open space as it is.

Yes, things are done, words are spoken, body moves.

Place the focus on being conscious of this. Notice how conscious you are.

Its hard to quantify conciousness.
I d say there is focus but conciousness is not very deep.
Actually, i am not sure what conciousness is. I know what awareness is.

During a silence retreat i learned anapanasati meditation. I focus on breathing and watch colours and forms moving in front of my inner eye.
After i while i usually do not feel my hands any more. When meditation is getting deeper shoulders are moving down and backwards and the spine is getting straighter. My spine starts swaying a little bit with the heartbeat. Thoughts slow down but there is still some mental notetaking of stuff i want to describe you, as if without this thoughts, what happened, will be forgotten.
Thoughts focus on commenting on what i see in front of my inner eye, but they do not stop.
Once i took a deep breath as if i had stopped breathing for a while, but i guess i just stopped noticing i was breathing.
Afterwards i feel at peace and there is no need to move fast.
Conciousness i picture like a big bowl that contains body, thoughts and senses.

So ‘awesomeness’ could be feeling like after a long meditation retreat during daily life.

Greetings from Anne