Where's that gate?

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn,
I thought I'd check in to let you know where I'm at. I think the core of it is that, very simply, my relationship to thought is changing. It is perhaps best illustrated by the famous first stanza of the Dhammapada:

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

I've read this many times over the years, first encountering it decades ago. I "got it," or thought I got it, but now it is different, in a subtle way that I'm still exploring the ramifications of. I can only describe it as this taking on a greater reality...a recognition that my thoughts are all fantasies. They are mirages, yet I feed them, I focus on them, I identify with them. "I", in this sense, not being the I that is a gestalt of thoughts, the person I identify as being in all my roles and masks, but the "I" that is the simple, pure awareness that witnesses the thoughts as they arise.

Awareness identifies with the thoughts that arise in reaction to whatever is occurring. I stub my toe, "Oh fuck!" That is what I am - that is the world thought has made, the Oh Fuck I Stubbed My Toe World.

Thoughts arise, and I get swirled into them...I become them, identified with them, lost in them. Then I "wake up," as if from a dream, and realize that I was lost in thought...or a bubble, in the analogy from before.

So this is where I am. I am what I think. All that I am, or perceive myself to be, arises with my thoughts. With my thoughts I make my world. But this world of thoughts is a bubble, and thus empty and impermanent. It is a contraction, a finite representation. There is nothing wrong with whatever thoughts arise, the "problem" only comes when I make them real by getting lost in them, forgetting that they are just thoughts: vaporous, not solid or truly real. They are simply tiny worlds that represent reality in a particular, finite way. The suffering I experience is directly caused from thinking that thought-world is real.

So where I'm at is popping bubbles as they arise! I can still explore them, because they are beautiful in a way, but right now it feels like I need to pop them.

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

Great to hear from you. I apologize for the delay getting back to you. You are ready, so let’s look at this.

There is a lot of theory about awareness in your post. Let's scrap all that, forget all you know, have heard, read and seen so far about awareness and simply look. See colors; see that you are aware of the colors. Is the awareness of color and the color something separate or is it the same thing, being described with different words? You can also say the same thing about the word, “seeing.” So seeing, color, seeing color, awareness of seeing, awareness of color, the knowing of color, knowing of seeing, all describe that which is perceived visually. Can you see that color is not in awareness, color is not in seeing, not in knowing, it's all just words, but in your actual experience, it’s all one and the same?

So experiment with words, see how the word “awareness” doesn't refer to a container, is not a theory and there is nothing to understand! Awareness is not separate from its content, it's only words that create an idea that there is awareness and there is content. Does this make sense? Test this with smell and sound and taste. Awareness of the taste, knowing of taste, taste –– the same thing!

So is there awareness sitting behind registering anything?
Tell me what you learn.

I look forward to hearing how this goes for you.

Warmest regards, Robyn

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

How are you doing? I left you with a lot in my last message and just thought I'd check in with you.

I look forward to hearing how it's going.

Sending love,

Robyn

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn,
I apologize for not replying - I've been traveling and visiting with family six time zones away, so haven't had the chance to respond. I read your post not long after you wrote it and wanted to reply, but wanted to really "do" what you spoke of and not just give a heady reply. So give me a day or three, and I'll get back to you!

Regards,
Jonathan

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

It's nice to hear from you. No apology needed -- just thought I'd check in. I hope your visits were lovely.

Take your time. I look forward to finding out what you see.

With love,

Robyn

[jbardo]

OK, let's get back into this. I feel it necessary to share that I'm going through a bit of a personal (marital) crisis which makes it strangely both hard to focus on this kind of inquiry, but also deeply necessary and more real, perhaps because the stakes are higher. In other words, I'm not some carefree spiritual hobbyist sipping prosecco on my houseboat in Marin County! ;) I'm going through an intense process of personal growth, which of course relates to the personal self, ego, or "I-complex" of thoughts and emotions. But I don't think it is antithetical to this kind of work, because I'm faced with rather intense thoughts, fears, and anxieties, so all of this is quite palpable and immediate.

I don't want to get into too many details, but very short version is that my 17-year marriage has had the usual ups and downs, but over the last 5-6 years has gradually spiraled downward, with crises of increasing frequency and intensity. We're at a kind of breakdown/breakthrough point where all seems lost and we're on the verge of separation. On the other hand, in a way it is also a blessing because it is forcing me to face a lot of deeply rooted psychological patterns, in particular my fear of aloneness, which I am finding is directly related to the work of "liberation." I feel raw, with alternating bouts of intense egoic suffering and blissful experiences of expansiveness and "oneness." One moment I feel deeply agonized by fear of marital loss and aloneness, but then I open up and feel that I am all that I see. It almost feels like an inversion process: on one hand, contraction, like I am separate and "inside" myself; on the other, openness, like I am the entire world looking at itself through this particular bodymind organism. Neither experience is new to me, but what is moe intensely felt is how intrinsically related the two are.

So I mention all of this because it is all part of what I'm experiencing, and will inform my responses to your questions and inquiries. I am happy to answer more questions if you feel it is relevant, but am also happy to leave this to the side. I do think it is all related, especially because I am now seeing how I have used relationship--both my marriage and previous long-term relationship--as a way of avoidance, avoidance of aloneness and some early glimpses into "voidness" that I had when I was 19 or so, and that scared me deeply. I jumped into a long-term relationship and then when that relationship dissolved, I jumped to another - my marriage. So now I am faced with that terrifying aloneness again...yet also finding in glimpses that the aloneness leads to something quite profound and vast, and I sense is directly related to what we're talking about here.

So while all of this is front and center for me right now, I do want to respond to what you wrote. But understand that what I am experiencing will strongly color my responses...but I share all of this with you because I think it is important for you to understand what is going on "behind the scenes," so to speak.

There is a lot of theory about awareness in your post. Let's scrap all that, forget all you know, have heard, read and seen so far about awareness and simply look.

I will do my best! ;) Perhaps one of the useful results of the crisis I'm experiencing is that all theory is out the door, or at least seems so vaporous and frivolous compared to what I'm actually experiencing. That said, I do recognize that I have a tendency to go "out there!"

See colors; see that you are aware of the colors. Is the awareness of color and the color something separate or is it the same thing, being described with different words? You can also say the same thing about the word, “seeing.” So seeing, color, seeing color, awareness of seeing, awareness of color, the knowing of color, knowing of seeing, all describe that which is perceived visually. Can you see that color is not in awareness, color is not in seeing, not in knowing, it's all just words, but in your actual experience, it’s all one and the same?

Yes, I can. Absolutely. It is impossible to tease out separate parts: a seer, seeing, and what is seen. It seems like they are separate, but in actual experience I cannot separate them. I + see + blue = three conceptual parts of one happening of "blueness."

So experiment with words, see how the word “awareness” doesn't refer to a container, is not a theory and there is nothing to understand! Awareness is not separate from its content, it's only words that create an idea that there is awareness and there is content. Does this make sense? Test this with smell and sound and taste. Awareness of the taste, knowing of taste, taste –– the same thing!

Yes, what you are saying is irrefutable in actual non-conceptual experience. On the other hand, I notice that there is a continuity to awareness that exists beyond specific content. I look at my cellphone and I cannot separate my awareness and the cellphone, but when I turn away from it I know it is still there, but my awareness is elsewhere, "not-two" with some other content. Meaning, while awareness is not separate from content, it "exists" without any specific content - it is "free" of any specific configuration of what is going on. Actually, something in this is teasing, like there's something more here that I can't quite grasp...

So is there awareness sitting behind registering anything?
Tell me what you learn.

What I perceive is that while we cannot separate awareness and the content, we also cannot reduce the "happening" I mentioned above to one or the other. In other words, I cannot note any kind of awareness "sitting behind," yet on the other hand there is no stuff or content without awareness. I mean, I assume it still exists, but even that assumption is a variation on awareness.

So my actual experience is that there is no awareness, just stuff - just the world. But on the other hand, there is no world without awareness, without this revealing activity. So I think it is more accurate to say that there is a "happening" which is comprised of both awareness and content, but they cannot be experienced--or happen--without the other.

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

I appreciate your sharing with me what you're going through. I'm sorry it's such a tough time yet am glad that you're also appreciating the opportunities for growth.

Jonathan, here's the Bahiya Sutra. Please play with it for a few days and then write what you notice.

In the seen, there is only the seen,
in the heard, there is only the heard,
in the sensed, there is only the sensed,
in the cognized, there is only the cognized.
Thus you should see that
indeed there is no thing here;
this, Bahiya, is how you should train yourself.
Since, Bahiya, there is for you
in the seen, only the seen,
in the heard, only the heard,
in the sensed, only the sensed,
in the cognized, only the cognized,
and you see that there is no thing here,
you will therefore see that
indeed there is no thing there.
As you see that there is no thing there,
you will see that
you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
betwixt the two.
This alone is the end of suffering.

Sending love,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn,
I just wanted to check in briefly. Times have been tumultuous here - lots of painful stuff, but also some important self-growth. I do enjoy working with you and wish to continue, but it may not be for a bit. But I will get back to this lovely sutra soon and reply with more when I can.

Regards,
Jonathan

[Artst]

Dear Jonathan,

Thank you for touching base. If there's anything I can provide for you, please let me know.

I'm happy to know you like working with me; it's mutual. Take your time and let me know when you're ready to proceed.

As far as the Bahya Sutra goes, maybe it can provide a calming influence along the way.

Sending love,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Thanks, Robyn. One thing I'd like to share is that there's a kind of incongruency I'm experiencing, between the "realness" of marital dissolution and the resulting anguish, which feels very psychological and physical, and the "spiritual" work of awakening, which seems almost...frivolous by way of comparison. I know it shouldn't, and perhaps that is something to work with, but it is hard to inquire into the nature of phenomena when the phenomena is so palpably painful and oppressive.

On the other hand, maybe this is the best time to do it? I'm in a place of intense vulnerability and rawness, so maybe this is all part of the same process.

The last month or so has been incredibly painful, but also incredibly "awakening." I feel like I have glimpsed the entire complex of how I create suffering for myself in a new way, how I've "cocooned" myself in a kind of chrysalis of half-life, engaged in surrogates and "false refuges," addictive and avoidant behavior, etc - and kept the future continually at bay. I'm 43 years old, and I feel like I'm just coming out of a cocoon I first created for myself 20-25 years ago, and it is quite painful! As I wrote in my journal, its like the harsh realization that despite what I tried to believe and portray to the world, I'm not actually butterfly yet, but have been a caterpillar dreaming and pretending to be a butterfly. My suffering has increased over the years as I've kept myself cocooned, which has built up intense pressure. Now I'm faced with a situation in which I have no choice: the cocoon is breaking, and I have to unfold my new and delicate wings that I've never used before, and may not even be fully formed. Its like years, decades, of growth in just a few weeks.

On the other hand, I'm also feeling more alive than I have in memory. While it feels like my marriage may truly be ending, I also feel like I'm just starting to live more fully and in alignment with my soul. So while I cannot say that separating with my wife is a good thing (especially because we have two daughters), I do feel like the process I'm going through is a necessary transformative experience.

I mentioned the "soul" above, which might be a concept at odds with the approach of LU. Indulge me as I explain where I'm coming from. I tend to take a variant on the "integral" view of the human being: that we are sensing bodies, feeling beings, thinking minds, souls with a deeper calling to actualize our potentials, and spirit/pure awareness...or however you want to slice the cake. My point being, we are all Russian dolls with different layers or bodies, and each has its own needs and development, and we cannot reduce the needs of one to another, even though they are all part of a whole and thus influence each other. I mention this because I don't think "liberation"--which deals with spirit recognizing itself--is antithetical to other forms of development, so that I can both recognize and listen to my "soul's calling" AND recognize the truth that there is no thinker, only thought (etc). In other words, I wouldn't want to reduce the needs of the body, heart, mind, and soul to that of spirit, which is a kind of avoidance and repression (in my view).

It could be that I'm going through a process of very necessary "re-capturing of lost potentials," healing the bodymind, so that--perhaps--it is more porous to awakening. An example of what I'm talking about are all the things that I've struggled with over the last couple decades--the feeling of un-actualized potential, the gradual and incessant self-neglect (especially of my body), etc--need to be addressed before or at least alongside any kind of spiritual process.

Ultimately I don't know, and am just trying to be more present and open to the unknown. I continually find myself trying to grasp to old patterns and ways of relating, but nothing works anymore...again, my path is a choiceless choice, which is kind of a relief but also sometimes hard to accept!

But all of that is more mind's eye view. In a more experiential live, right now my experience is one of intense emotional pain, fear, and insecurity; yet on the other hand, I feel a growing sense of strength and confidence and a desire to live more fully. I am taking much better care of myself in a physical sense, and engaging in life and soul affirming practices rather than time-wasters (like endlessly surfing the web, watching movies, etc). It is a balance, but for most of the last two plus decades, I have spent a huge percentage of my free time--maybe 80-90%--doing things that didn't nourish me; now I'm trying to reverse the ratio, so that while I can still chill out and enjoy a good flick or surf the web, it is only a much smaller percentage of my life.

Sorry for the inundation (again!). I know this veers out of your pay-grade, but it is what is real for me now.

And thank you again for engaging with my process!

Jonathan

[Artst]

Dear Jonathan,

Thank you for sharing with me. I get the intensity of what you're experiencing.

You can take a break and focus on what is most important now, look after yourself and come back here when you are ready to continue.

No matter how long it takes, I will be here. :)

Sending lots of love,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn, remember me?! ;-)

I thought I'd check in. What a crazy last six months it has been...I won't go into all the gory details, but I've been in some extreme catharsis...if you know tarot, my life has been the Tower! It has been a wild and woolly process - with intense bouts of emotion, suffering, contraction and release...but also feeling more and more free from old entanglements and identifications as I let go of my old marriage, and sense of self. The "old me."

But I feel like I am coming out "the other side"... and a lot of this spiritual work has really been "clicking" for me of late, so thought I'd re-engage.

On one hand, it is nothing drastic, but sort of like a chiropractic adjustment--yet in perception, not posture--in which everything is subtly shifted, become....less solid? All mind patterns, thoughts and emotions, still exist, still arise and pass away, yet now there is more of an ongoing sense that there is an underlying "skyness"...that all phenomena, inner or outer, are passing ripples, and are simply and only the different forms that empty awareness takes. More transparent, vaporous, but not necessarily less vital or real. I still love my daughters as much as every before - even more, in a way, because it is less clouded, less grasping and more just...them as self-luminous manifestations? Hard to explain.

It is so hard to talk about this without getting abstract, but it really isn't abstract at all. There is clear awareness. Luminosity. Awareness as pure, open, and empty "sky" - and thoughts/emotions/mental formations as weather patterns that pass through. Just empty, spacious awareness, and different "modifications" of that awareness. Yet even the sense of "I" is just a ripple, a form, that arises and passes.

The "skyness" is sometimes overcast. I might wake up in the morning a bit groggy, awareness a bit "gray" like on a misty day. But the skyness is still there, foundational to whatever is occurring. It is more...ever-present...than before. Or rather, it has always been there as the foundation of experience, but not it is more...luminous.

There is a sense of intimacy with the life process, as if I am breathing life in, and breathing out into life, like an ellipsis of inner and outer.

As for "I," the only way I can describe it as a kind of variable knot or focal point in awareness, as if the fabric of mind itself contracts but then releases, and knots again - always shifting, never solid. Flowing, contracting and releasing. No solidity, no permanence. Pulsating, breathing like everything else.

There simply doesn't seem to be a problem at all. Just arising and passing away, and a kind of soft enjoyment and embrace of whatever arises. When phenomena occurs that I associate as negative, I don't struggle with it - at least not as much as before - and it passes away.

OK, I'll leave it at that for now.

Hope you are well!

[Artst]

Dear Jonathan,

It is wonderful to hear from you! I have thought of you often and wondered how you're doing.

What you describe sounds lovely, like a much greater sense of freedom.

I apologize for the brief answer, but I wanted to get back to you quickly and I have to get ready to leave shortly.

Do you want to resume guidance or are you simply letting me know where you are?

Sending lots of love,

Robyn

[jbardo]

Sure, yes, I'd like to resume. Un-pause ;-).

What now? ;-)

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

Let's resume!

Yet even the sense of "I" is just a ripple, a form, that arises and passes.

Is this "sense of 'I'" a separate something that sees and is aware? If so, please tell me where it's located, not as an idea/thought or body sensation but as an actual thing.

Love,
Robyn