The Gate

Hey Bill … Happy Sunday :) It’s a beautiful day in Edinburgh … when the sun comes out in Scotland, AND it’s warm, it’s what’s known as a ‘momentous’ occasion ;)

Thanks for your latest - I'll work my way thru these exercises and report back as I do them. First up, 'The Chair'.

Look at a chair. Do you see the chair? Look at your self. Do you see a self?

I look at a chair - there is a 3 dimensional shape, colour, texture - it’s an object being seen that the mind has labelled ‘chair’. It looks and feels as the mind describes it. If someone were to tell me it was a candle, the mind would object because there’s an idea/thought of what a chair is. Really, all there is, is a solid mass - and even that description is something the mind has given to what is seen, because as we know, the mind is The Great Labeller. There is the seeing ... then ... the seeing of a chair, a golden colour, 1970s, my Nan's, I remember it from her house, I probably shouldn't let the dog on it .... the big story.

Similarly for the ‘self’. There is a solid shape, a body, that exists that has been given the description of Pauline - my self. All kinds of circumstances seem to have come together to reinforce the Pauline-ness of this specific body. There is the calling of this body ‘Pauline’, not just by Pauline but by others too. And yet, looking, Pauline can’t be found - the body is no more Pauline than the chair is. There are thoughts arising ‘about’ Pauline, that seemingly describe Pauline - she’s 5’8”, has blonde hair and green eyes and long fingers and lots of other physical attributes. Similarly, Pauline went to art school, likes daffodils, taught English in Mexico, wants to live by the ocean and has a fear of deep water. These descriptions of Pauline are descriptions, thoughts. I can point to myself and shout, “ME!” - and this feels very real, very ‘me’. I’m me! ME! Pauline! Helloooo?! But …. all that’s happening is just ‘’happening - there’s no one doing it. No one owning it. The body belongs to no one, the description of Pauline belongs to no one. Pauline is nowhere to be found - all there are, are thoughts arising about Pauline. There is no ‘self’ there. I stop and look at my hands of the keyboard. The sensation of the cushion on my knees, the sound of the river outside … then trying not to think - here she goes! ‘Trying’ to just look again. Back to the senses … more space. Quiet for a moment. Nice.

Stop thinking! And 'don't think, look', next :) Watch this space ...

Thanks Bill!

Hello Pauline,

Im glad you're weather is nice, I hope you had the chance to enjoy it. We have had such a rainy wet winter here. Im in the Pacific NW USA and our winters are normally wet... but this one has been much more so than normal. I'm waiting for the sun.. I know its on its way. :)

I think I was not clear in what I wanted from you with these...
Your detailed explanations of the chair and self are excellent and shows your knowledge of it.
What I'm really looking for is just your reactions.... almost a yes or no type answer.
To give this requires just a quick look, and not much thinking.
Some of those don't require any response, but just to do them, by reading and then looking.
Too much detail takes us away from the real (the actual looking) and puts us back in the mind (thinking about looking)

Only if something really jumps out do you need to go into a lot of detail.

heres a few more:
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When you forget to look during the day (which will probably be most of the time), it doesn’t matter. The “I” doesn’t become real only because you don’t think of it.

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Don’t try to look for what isn’t. Instead, turn your face to the truth, to the obvious. What is here right now?

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Start looking, and by seeing reality you will answer your own questions.

Hi Bill - yep, I hear you re wet and cold winters ... that's pretty much the weather here 9 months out of the year ... I hope the sun's on its way to you :)

I think I was not clear in what I wanted from you with these...
Your detailed explanations of the chair and self are excellent and shows your knowledge of it.
What I'm really looking for is just your reactions.... almost a yes or no type answer.

Disappointing! I really gave it my all there … ;)

To give this requires just a quick look, and not much thinking.
Some of those don't require any response, but just to do them, by reading and then looking.
Too much detail takes us away from the real (the actual looking) and puts us back in the mind (thinking about looking)

OK - I get that ... easy to fall into analyzing and thinking.

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When you forget to look during the day (which will probably be most of the time), it doesn’t matter. The “I” doesn’t become real only because you don’t think of it.

Agreed. A dream doesn’t become real when you’re dreaming. The I doesn’t become real when you’re I-ing. Would it be true to say that it appears as real tho? I find your sentence quite frustrating and the irritation arises ... because it feels like it matters when I forget, and that brings me to that old nut of 'something will change' when the direct experience of no I is had. And you've as much told me nothing changes, and it certainly seems that nothing should or would, but I'm still expecting something to change and will keep coming back to that until that expectation disappears (or at least until I see the expectation is just the thought arising!)

P.

Hi Pauline.. oh at least we have a nice warm (not hot) summer... it does make up for all the winter rains.
(I'm ready for it this year!)

I think I was not clear in what I wanted from you with these...
Your detailed explanations of the chair and self are excellent and shows your knowledge of it.
What I'm really looking for is just your reactions.... almost a yes or no type answer.

Disappointing! I really gave it my all there … ;)

I think you're teasing here.. but in case you're not.....
Yes.. you did.. and the analyzation was excellent..
but I would not call analyzation the kind of looking Im after.
Just stop that brain for a sec.. and take a look.
You already do it many many times a day.. just notice it.


About this 'getting something'...
Yes I get it that its hard to see that this is not about getting something.
Just trust me that its not, and do your best to 'drop' this expectation (and any other) as best you can.
This will probably be nothing like what you expect. We are not looking for an experience or an altered mind-state.
We are looking for a simple recognition of reality. That is all.

Its been said this looking is similar to looking for lost keys...
What do you do when you cant find your keys? You look here.. you look there.. you continue to physically look until they are found... Not really a lot of thinking goes into it... you just look.
Its the same with looking for a self.. Look here.. . look over there.. or under this rock...
Look physically. with the eyes, ears, and other senses. Can one be found?

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Look at it. How much of a self is truly needed in everything you do this day? That’s how you see through the illusion of a separate self that runs things. You look at how life actually is. In each moment. Not “about” life. Not the chatter in your head. What is happening moment-by-moment in real life? Hand moved. Eyes followed. Thought happens. Don’t let the voices in your head talk you out of it. Look!

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Look for your “self,” and what do you find? Body and mind sitting here. Is the body real? Yes. Would “you” exist without thought? No. Is the body you? No. What is the “self”? A concept. What produces the concept? Thought. Are thoughts real? Yes. Is the content accurate? Sometimes. Is it real? No. Do you exist as a separate self?

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There’s no “I” — just what’s going on, right here and now. But how we complicate that. Seeing the “I” as only being just another thought among many thoughts is the key. And everyday life is still here and goes on.

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Do this little exercise. Close your eyes and imagine you are holding a watermelon in your hands. Imagine it so vividly that you can feel its weight, the shape and texture of the skin. Hold it there, sensing it, and open your eyes. What happened to a melon? How about the sensation that was so believable? That which is real can be sensed in one or more ways. That which is imagined exists only in the mind.

Hi Bill :)

Disappointing! I really gave it my all there … ;)

I think you're teasing here.. but in case you're not.....
Yes.. you did.. and the analyzation was excellent..
but I would not call analyzation the kind of looking Im after.
Just stop that brain for a sec.. and take a look.
You already do it many many times a day.. just notice it.

I was only teasing a wee bit :) Mainly teasing myself tbh - I realise I went off on one of my now-becoming-infamous analyses, and spent some time getting into it … only to be told it wasn’t what you needed, and I definitely get that! From now on, just a quick check :) It does seem that most of the day goes past without looking, which I could kick myself about ... and then when I’m outside just sitting down somewhere, looking seems to be much easier … the trees are tree-ing on their own, the river is river-ing, and the houses and house-ing - and there’s checking, and no self for any of that to happen. Then - ‘Well ‘something’ is aware of all that … tempting to call it ‘me’, but can see that’s nonsense. More looking, and more trying. It’s frustrating the trying - but it seems like autopilot, like there’s just no stopping it. Anyway …

About this 'getting something'...
Yes I get it that its hard to see that this is not about getting something.
Just trust me that its not, and do your best to 'drop' this expectation (and any other) as best you can.
This will probably be nothing like what you expect. We are not looking for an experience or an altered mind-state.
We are looking for a simple recognition of reality. That is all.

K.

Look at it. How much of a self is truly needed in everything you do this day? That’s how you see through the illusion of a separate self that runs things. You look at how life actually is. In each moment. Not “about” life. Not the chatter in your head. What is happening moment-by-moment in real life? Hand moved. Eyes followed. Thought happens. Don’t let the voices in your head talk you out of it. Look!

AAAARRRRRgggghhhh! I can feel this is so simple!!!! Why can’t I hear it?! Why can’t I see it?! Too much trying I guess. Stop trying. Forgetting. Remember to look, trying again.

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Look for your “self,” and what do you find? Body and mind sitting here. Is the body real? Yes. Would “you” exist without thought? No. Is the body you? No. What is the “self”? A concept. What produces the concept? Thought. Are thoughts real? Yes. Is the content accurate? Sometimes. Is it real? No. Do you exist as a separate self?

I totally get all of that … that’s what’s so frustrating. I understand that self and I and any other thing I think or believe is nothing more or less than a thought. Yes, it feels like the body is the self, tho I know it’s not - the body is real. Is it mine? Well, no. It feels like mine but that is just a thought about 'my body'. OK ... so maybe it’s the ‘if the body is gone, do you exist?’. No. Is there existence without the body? I can’t answer that. Is there existence without thought? That seems easier - but again, I can’t answer that. I can see the self is a concept. Either way, more thinking getting in the way of the looking ... yeah, I know!

What's hard to 'keep in mind' is that looking is about the direct experience through the senses (for what else)... and oddly enough, I just didn't get this until very recently. I thought I had to think myself into looking (that can still feel like the case sometimes) - as we know. Now that I finally understand this direct looking through what my senses are receiving, it feels like that's very hard to do, because my mind is so used to doing everything (or it certainly seems that way) - the looking, the labelling, the experiencing, the analyzing ... and so on and so on ... the 'me' doing everything. Now to stop and just experience, to look without the analyzing ... that's actually quite hard for me to do, though I'm sure it's the most simple thing in the world :) Well, I'll just keep at it!

That's my stream of thought right now ... and even when I'm doing that, I know I'm talking nonsense. All that I'm doing is getting caught up in the thoughts .... and more thoughts ... and more thoughts....

You've given me quite a few questions over your past couple of posts, Bill ... shall I keep looking at these?

Thanks! P

Hi Pauline, hope you're doing well...

I really like what you wrote in your post. I'm getting the feel you are really starting to see this. But what I think about it is irrelevant. Its what you are feeling and seeing that is important. The importance of the physical looking and seeing how dominant thinking is big and that is becoming clear to you. You may have to prompt yourself into looking as you've always come from the thinking aspect but I can guarantee you that you have the ability to see this just like everyone else that has seen it. And know we dont advocate you stop and look as some kind of therapy or ongoing practice. Its just a training aid here and can be used whenever you might need it.

Just had a thought for you..
Every time you feel frustration coming up from not seeing this.. see if you can take a quick look instead of being frustrated. Who knows?

Please do this one about the watermelon.. also if any of the others seem significant.. discuss. Otherwise just do them for you, and take a fresh look with each one. Its very important to actually do them as its practice in focused looking.

Do this little exercise. Close your eyes and imagine you are holding a watermelon in your hands. Imagine it so vividly that you can feel its weight, the shape and texture of the skin. Hold it there, sensing it, and open your eyes. What happened to a melon? How about the sensation that was so believable? That which is real can be sensed in one or more ways. That which is imagined exists only in the mind.


What is real?... and what is imaginary?
(please answer this) Conventionally speaking

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Nothing changes after awakening. It is just a way to see things differently, without a “self” involved, and without thoughts gripping the mind for hours about who and how you are. This is a peace.

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The aim of this inquiry is not to give security. It is to see through illusion to reality. And in that process, we find that the person looking for security doesn’t exist. Then the need for finding security and the need for answers falls away, too.

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The wish for a final “done” is — surprise, surprise — a story of the final carrot to be reached, a reason for the fictional “I” to try to get “somewhere.” Everything is constantly changing, moving, and interacting. There is no “done” in the real world. If you want to be at home, be at home in the flow.

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The substance of a story is ideas, thoughts, and habits. Do you see that? Can you get a clear view of that?

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What are stories made of? Look more closely at this question. If someone just met you on the street, could they know any of your story except the part where you were meeting on the street? They could see your body, but not your story. What tools would you use to convey to them the supposed reality of a self, with a past, a present, and a future?

Hi Bill :) Just wanted to check in - I've not been well the last couple of days with a chest infection - but I'm still looking! Will be back tomorrow to give you a proper update on where I'm at ...

Hope all's well!

P.

Hi Bill - Happy Friday! I'm feeling better so thought I'd show up at the keyboard while the going's good.

I'm not sure I can properly explain though I’ll try … there seems to have been some shifting of some sort over the past couple of days. It’s funny, because looking seems to have been happening more and more (conscious looking, that is :) and I’m noticing a shift in the ‘ideas’ around the ‘I’/self. It’s like something seems a bit clearer … there’s less stickiness around the I thought (I) guess ;) Like it’s becoming more obvious/is more obvious that the I’s a nonsense. That all there is is what’s happening and no self needed, no I required. I catch myself thinking something in the ‘I’ context and see it for what it is … just a thought, somehow conditioned, but nothing to do with anything that’s happening ‘for real’ in that moment. Things are being experienced, and yes, it can feel like the I is experienced, but on looking, I is again seen to be the unreal thing in all of it. Real in the thought, as far as the thought is real, but just another thought, no need to identify.

This is something that I’m seeing clearly at some points, then getting back into I mostly … but the looking and checking is doing it’s thing. I don’t know if it’s possible to make sense when I say that I feel like I’m getting really close, but whatever, I feel like I’m getting really close!

You posted some exercises … we can look at a couple of them

Do this little exercise. Close your eyes and imagine you are holding a watermelon in your hands. Imagine it so vividly that you can feel its weight, the shape and texture of the skin. Hold it there, sensing it, and open your eyes. What happened to a melon? How about the sensation that was so believable? That which is real can be sensed in one or more ways. That which is imagined exists only in the mind.

I did the exercise …

What is real?... and what is imaginary?
(please answer this) Conventionally speaking

Exercise-wise, the sitting on the chair is real... the feeling of the chair beneath the body which feels real (though my eyes are closed). All bodily stuff is real - the breathing, movement, what is felt and what is heard while sitting. Anything experienced by the senses is real ... Thoughts arising about the watermelon, feeling, seeing the watermelon in the thoughts - but all imagined. Thoughts real. Content of thought not so.

What I can touch, hear, see, smell and taste is real … and so on … The I, the self, the watermelon is imaginary!

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Nothing changes after awakening. It is just a way to see things differently, without a “self” involved, and without thoughts gripping the mind for hours about who and how you are. This is a peace.

Sounds freakin awesome, I can’t deny it, but no grasping.

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The wish for a final “done” is — surprise, surprise — a story of the final carrot to be reached, a reason for the fictional “I” to try to get “somewhere.” Everything is constantly changing, moving, and interacting. There is no “done” in the real world. If you want to be at home, be at home in the flow.

I think about this … I realise there is this ‘I’m nearly there!’ type thing going on … I see a line of time before me and think ‘soon’, in the future this will happen. Of course - I look closer and see there’s no line of time, no future, no soon. Frustration arising. Back to looking again.

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The substance of a story is ideas, thoughts, and habits. Do you see that? Can you get a clear view of that?

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YES

What are stories made of? Look more closely at this question. If someone just met you on the street, could they know any of your story except the part where you were meeting on the street? They could see your body, but not your story. What tools would you use to convey to them the supposed reality of a self, with a past, a present, and a future?

I’m not sure I understand the question. I get what you’re saying about stories … they’re made of thoughts, layers of thoughts, building on other thoughts (apparently), creating stories - or seeming like there’s stories - making up Story of Pauline. That’s probably why I hate small talk actually - I always knew it was bullshit! I guess I don’t know what you mean when you say what tools would I use to ‘convey to them the supposed reality of a self, with a past … “? Can you elaborate?

Bill, I'm enjoying these exercises - they seem to be doing something.

Gratitude for your guidance arising :)

P.

Hello. Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Yes, I really like how you are looking Pauline... I feel you are seeing things more clearly.
As you can see this is not magical or mystical...or anything like that.. its simply noticing and seeing what is here.
And what's startling is that things have always been like this..... we just have not noticed. Its always been right under our nose but not noticed as we've been hypnotized in a sense by the mind.
When all of this starts to seem very simple.. that's a good sign.
You can see this is not about changing, fixing, becoming anything different or better.... but again... just seeing things as they are now. Its certainly not about trying to be enlightened or anything on that order. All we can be ever is what we are, whatever that is, nothing needs to change to be ok.
Oh, dont worry about that last question on the previous post.. something got mixed up in the last part of it as it doesn't read correctly.

The wish for a final “done” is — surprise, surprise — a story of the final carrot to be reached, a reason for the fictional “I” to try to get “somewhere.” Everything is constantly changing, moving, and interacting. There is no “done” in the real world. If you want to be at home, be at home in the flow.

I think about this … I realise there is this ‘I’m nearly there!’ type thing going on … I see a line of time before me and think ‘soon’, in the future this will happen. Of course - I look closer and see there’s no line of time, no future, no soon. Frustration arising. Back to looking again.

Yes, this epitomizes our dilemma, and shows our normal response to it. This 'thing' is going to happen... out in the future.... with the next post, the next page in the book, the next 'tip', tomorrow, when this or that happens..... on and on.
This is the power of the mind keeping us stuck in 'hope' and missing what is actually happening in front of us.
When does life happen? When can anything ever happen? When has anything ever happened?? Its clear if this is truly seen. LOOK.


All of these pointers are meant to induce you to look. Look.. don't think.
I've bolded the ones I'd like an answer/response on.... feel free to do so with any of the other ones if your attention is piqued.

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If you just look at the bad feelings that arise without the story — the “I” story — then they dissolve. If the story is believed, the feelings go on for hours or days. But without the story — that is, seeing the story as a story — the feelings and sensations in the body hang around for a much shorter time. There is more freedom in that — more ease, more space, more peace.

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The answer to the great yearning of life for fulfillment and satisfaction is not in the mind. It is right here and now, in seeing through the false, apparent reality of the controller “me.” Without that story, life flows more easily, more freely, and it is free of psychological suffering through apparent good times or bad.

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Imagine a child totally immersed in the belief of a tooth fairy. Everybody around her thinks tooth fairies are real. She doesn’t have a chance to discover the truth. Every “sane” child believes there is a real tooth fairy. As soon as she catches the tooth fairy — her mother — in action, the belief disappears. The story is revealed to be a story. The child can’t believe in it anymore, even if she wanted to. Now let’s investigate how much substance is there to self. You just have to catch the “self” in action, that is, observe the processes as they concoct the illusion of self in real time. Then you’ll know the truth.

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THERE IS SOMETHING HAPPENING. Please re-read this a hundred thousand times. This is it. There is something happening. All the rest is story.

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Look at a university. All it is, is a bunch of buildings, with certain types of people, with certain things being thought there. The label “university” is put on this area, and the feel of it being a university becomes very real, almost like an entity in itself. But there is only a bunch of buildings there. Now take your life, your limbs, head, brain, blood, guts, memories, thoughts, and feelings. All this stuff very much exists and is very real to us, but when all this stuff references itself and uses language like “me,” “myself,” and “I,” over time something that seems real appears, a feeling of ownership over all that — a feeling of control, a feeling of “I am my name,” “This is me.” But truthfully, there’s nothing more there than the brain, the blood, the guts, the thoughts, the memories, and so on.

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It is not the “I” that is looking. Thinking that there is “I” that is looking is an illusion — just an assumption that you must question.

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Notice the sounds you’re hearing, like the chirping of the birds. Notice the habitual thought “I hear that.” Now just pay attention to how sound happens. Take your time with it. Are you doing the hearing, or is it just happening?

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For the time being, just look at how feelings, thoughts and labels show up. Don’t try to change what is. Don’t try to be “not me.” The “me” you are talking about doesn’t exist anyway.
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Can you see an absence of something? Let’s say there is a pen on your table. Look at it. Now take it and hide it behind your back. Look at the table again. Can you see an absence of pen?

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Keep looking at your daily experiences. Look for the moment the “I” label gets attached to a movement, to “doing-ness.” There is an experience, and the thought comes up, “I” did it. Watch out for this. Be like a detective, ready to spot it! Experience happens, and a thought labels it.

Hi Bill - hope you had a good weekend :)

Yes, this epitomizes our dilemma, and shows our normal response to it. This 'thing' is going to happen... out in the future.... with the next post, the next page in the book, the next 'tip', tomorrow, when this or that happens..... on and on.
This is the power of the mind keeping us stuck in 'hope' and missing what is actually happening in front of us.
When does life happen? When can anything ever happen? When has anything ever happened?? Its clear if this is truly seen. LOOK.

It’s pretty easy to get lost in the timeline … I’m still doing it - “I’ll get this soon.” I can see it’s a nonsense, a habit, and can see that it takes away from what’s going on right here and right now. Such a frustrating habit!!

Can you see an absence of something? Let’s say there is a pen on your table. Look at it. Now take it and hide it behind your back. Look at the table again. Can you see an absence of pen?

No, I can’t, I just see the table. Pen is gone … pen only exists as a thought now. I’m not entirely sure where we’re going with this - presumably the absence of ‘I’. Is there an absence of I, or just what’s happening? Even that doesn’t make sense.

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Keep looking at your daily experiences. Look for the moment the “I” label gets attached to a movement, to “doing-ness.” There is an experience, and the thought comes up, “I” did it. Watch out for this. Be like a detective, ready to spot it! Experience happens, and a thought labels it.

I’ve begun doing this more … I see that I’m labelling everything. It’s interesting to observe … someone walking towards me is suddenly labelled with a thousand labels at 100mph. In the workplace I’m talking about a project and everything is just label after label after label. I’m going to carry on doing lots more of this … it feels relevant, and it’s new for me to really investigate this. Beliefs start to look unstable, ideas about things look less reliable … ah, but the stickiness again!! How quick the mind is to do its labelling … to weave the story … but …. the noticing of it all reveals the game….I like this one … will keep investigating and report back very soon :)

Hope all's good! P

Hello Pauline,

Im sensing a bit of a letdown.. and that's ok if that's whats happening.
The important thing on this is to just keep looking.
We will go with what we got. :)

It’s pretty easy to get lost in the timeline … I’m still doing it - “I’ll get this soon.” I can see it’s a nonsense, a habit, and can see that it takes away from what’s going on right here and right now. Such a frustrating habit!!

My thoughts on this is just to notice these kind of thoughts happening and not try consciously to change them or 'be in the now' or any other such thing like that. We are always here now, whether its in our conscious awareness or not. Try to be easy on yourself (as much as you can).

Keep looking at your daily experiences. Look for the moment the “I” label gets attached to a movement, to “doing-ness.” There is an experience, and the thought comes up, “I” did it. Watch out for this. Be like a detective, ready to spot it! Experience happens, and a thought labels it.

I’ve begun doing this more … I see that I’m labeling everything. It’s interesting to observe … someone walking towards me is suddenly labelled with a thousand labels at 100mph. In the workplace I’m talking about a project and everything is just label after label after label. I’m going to carry on doing lots more of this … it feels relevant, and it’s new for me to really investigate this. Beliefs start to look unstable, ideas about things look less reliable … ah, but the stickiness again!! How quick the mind is to do its labeling … to weave the story … but …. the noticing of it all reveals the game….I like this one … will keep investigating and report back very soon :)

Seeing the labeling is good. It shows you are looking. Noticing this is enough. We can't really not label, as its just a part of what we do (at least here it is). We are not trying to change anything, or not do something, we just want to be aware of what's happening, and see how thought has hoodwinked us into thinking it is the supreme truth. Thoughts are simply thoughts.. they come and go. Try holding onto one for very long.... its as impossible as trying to predict the next thought's content.

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All thoughts, feelings, and emotions are impersonal. Absolutely everything that is experienced is conditioned and changes. This mind-state that is experienced right now is changing. Wishing for it to be constant — trying to make it constant — is stressful.

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Drop this clinging to a control you never had.

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See the trap of continuing to look in the mind for what you already are.
Follow your direct experience instead of letting the mind take over the search.
You are already present prior to concepts.
Stop looking in the mind
Who is searching for what, when we are already THAT?

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Who are you? Now look behind that. And behind that. And behind that. Which is more real: the first answer, or the way beyond answer?

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How about not fabricating anything for a moment, and simply looking at what’s present right now?
Is there a separate from life “you” that exists?

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The “you” that you think you are is just that — thinking, thoughts. Not real. Not in control. Does a “you” do the breathing, or the thinking? Is a “you” really in control of anything? Examine thoughts and actions. What is really here? What is real? There is an experience of aliveness, but does that need to be labeled “me”? This identification with all these thoughts feels normal and familiar, but it is ultimately not real and is the cause of suffering. And it is so simple that it is overlooked.

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What is happening in this moment? With your five senses, what do you experience? Sights, sounds, tastes, smells, tactile sensations, even thoughts. Just list up what there is, don’t draw conclusions.


Please respond on the next two.
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Close eyes and sit quietly, wherever you are, and notice what is real: body, furniture, feelings, thoughts, sensations, surroundings. Can you find an “I” here? Or are there just thoughts, feelings, sensations?
When you open your eyes, what happens? Is there a “you” looking out of two holes in your head? Are you “doing” seeing? Or are the sights just here, without any boundary? Just clear unobstructed seeing. Check it!

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Without 'thinking' and pondering about it...
Right now... LOOK. Quickly....
Is there an "I" here to be seen or found?

Hi Bill - hope all’s well!

Please respond on the next two.
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Close eyes and sit quietly, wherever you are, and notice what is real: body, furniture, feelings, thoughts, sensations, surroundings. Can you find an “I” here? Or are there just thoughts, feelings, sensations?
When you open your eyes, what happens? Is there a “you” looking out of two holes in your head? Are you “doing” seeing? Or are the sights just here, without any boundary? Just clear unobstructed seeing. Check it!

There’s no ‘I’ to be found anywhere. No separate self - that’s apparent when it’s noticed. This is frustrating me because there’s the seeeing that there’s no I. This is experienced, frequently, when the looking is done. Walking along … no I doing the walking, no I necessary to do the walking. The label appearing ‘I’m walking!’ - then ‘Ah come on … there’s just walking’ :) Same for anything that’s being done … driving, cooking … more and more seeing that there’s no self doing any of that, no I driving the car. It’s seen. So there’s the checking of it over and over and over again, and there will be the same answer each time you ask ‘Check it!’. When the checking happens, it’s very simply seen - and not my ‘me’ ‘I’ may add ;) That’s what I find frustrating … this asking me to check then my coming back to say that I did and that no self was found or can be found. It’s like, ok, so that’s seen, so …. Just keep looking to find the same thing over and over again? There’s sensations, things happening, things seen, felt, heard, touched, tasted … no self/I doing any of it when looking. I was getting in a funk yesterday about work stuff … feeling irritated, bored, unhappy (I need a new job! ;) Then asked ‘who’s feeling all these things?’ Saw that it was just thoughts (again!), body sensations, labelling … then a bit of space. There’s no me feeling that shit! More looking at that and seeing there’s never been any self to be upset, frustrated, happy, excited … just the feelings and the thoughts coming and going.

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Without 'thinking' and pondering about it...
Right now... LOOK. Quickly....
Is there an "I" here to be seen or found?

Well, like I said above, there’s no I to be seen or found. There’s the body, and the feelings of wherever the awareness rests (the visual, the felt … ), thoughts randomly arising. I’m not sitting here - there’s a body here on the chair, hands are typing, there’s seeing and hearing happening …. And not an I in sight - no self doing any of anything that’s arising in awareness ...

What else?

Hello Pauline...

what else?

What more is it that is wanted? What's missing Pauline?
Who is it that is wanting 'more'? Find the one who wants this. Can you?

Only you can answer this.
Seeing thru the illusion.. that is what Im pointing to.. yes and thats why I keep asking if you have...
Being that you are frustrated and still seeking 'something'.... it leads me to believe you have more that you want to have figured out. Or a deeper look. I dont know.. I can only go on what you are writing to me.
But as we have discussed many times.. this is not a 'figuring out' process.... its a looking and seeing thing.

It feels to me if you could just let go a bit... let go of the control.. and relax, this could help with the looking.
I think it would be good if you could drop the seriousness of trying to get 'someplace' with this and just have fun with it.
I understand its frustrating and I know that you are very intelligent...but thats not the way to this.
What do you expect from this that is not already here?

Hi Bill - Happy Weekend :)

I got really frustrated with this ‘stuff’ the last few days. I looked and saw the I and the self and the me are all just thoughts (could go on with lengthy description but no point). Looking right now, there’ s no I typing, no I looking out the window. There’s seeing that there’s no one doing anything, no self required to do anything.

So you ask, What else am I looking for? I really don’t know - you keep telling me to look so I guess I need to keep looking because seeing that there’s no self and no I is not what you’re pointing at, right? If that’s the case, then I’ve no idea what I’m doing, I really don’t - and that’s what’s frustrating me. I look at the frustration (or any feeling) and see that there’s just a physical feeling … then in an almost imperceptable space of time (apparently!) the mind jumps in and straight away, I’m frustrated instead of just frustration being there. That's by-the-by - all I'm doing is pre-empting any question about who's feeling frustrated. Who's feeling this, wanting this, doing this ... The answer is always going to be the same.

What more is it that is wanted? What's missing Pauline?

Certainty.

Who is it that is wanting 'more'? Find the one who wants this. Can you?

No one, just a feeling, and No.

Thanks, Bill ... with gratitude as always.

I thought more about this 'what more do I want/what more am I looking for?', when I was out walking earlier. Realised how ridiculous it seemed to say, 'I want certainty!'. Thing is, there's no doubt at all that there's no I or me, no separate self running the show. It's seen that there's no one to see, or get, or do. No one to be certain, or frustrated, or ...

The 'stumbling block' seems to be that there is an expectation of something else - a 'is that really it?'. The knowledge that of course that's it ... then the expectation that there's surely something that's being missed. That's the best way I can describe it. Frustration arises because it feels both like the seeking is done - there's no looking to see the falsehood of the I/self - and the feeling (thought? I don't know ... probably) that something else needs to happen. You will say, who feels that? I'll answer, no one! And round and round it goes ... Thing is, I don't know what else is expected ...we talked about this before and I'm clear that I don't expect any great happening, occurrence, bolt of lightening ... anything. But I do expect a noticeable shift in perception. Maybe it's more subtle that I expected, I don't know. Maybe there's the expectation of something less subtle. Maybe you're right when you mentioned in a previous post that you felt a sense of my being let down. Maybe that is it ... who (indeed) knows ...