kristawalter

[kristawalter]

Everything is just happening. Awareness--whatever we call it--doesn't have preferences or opinions. There is no problem with thinking. It never stops as far as I can see, while I am conscious. If it is happening, it is happening. No right or wrong. It is. Believing thoughts are true is the problem.

[apolsk]

It never stops as far as I can see, while I am conscious.

What is "never"? Is there anything besides now? How long is now?
Who is conscious? How do you know that there are any gaps in consciousness? Can there be anything which is not in consciousness? How can it be, in direct experience?

Believing thoughts are true is the problem.

Isn't this also a thought?

You are right at the gate. Focus on what is not a thought. Pinch your skin. At the moment of pure sensation of pain, does anything else exist?

Let "Krista" and every other idea go. Don't be afraid. Just let go and jump. It's OK.

[apolsk]

Hi Krista,

How is it going? I've looked through your past responses and noticed almost complete lack of references to physical bodily sensations and feelings. We can't ignore the body. Without involving it everything becomes just an intellectual exercise that won't have any lasting effect.

Please state silently and clearly: "There is no me." What physical sensations arise? Do you feel a sense of resistance to this claim in the body? Can you describe where it is located and how it feels like?

[kristawalter]

I experience all kinds of pains and twinges in the body. A constant flux of sensations. Right now my feet ache. When I say there is no me, nothing new arises right now. Often during meditation I experience a racing heart or chest tightness.

[apolsk]

OK, of course there are all sorts of feelings in the body, but the ones that are interesting to me come as a response to thoughts. They may feel like resistance, like fear, or like mind numbness, which is one of the forms of fear response.

You wrote this in the beginning:

Intellectually I understand (and I feel acceptance for the understanding) that there is no self, but when I "look inside" nothing happens. All looking feels like ego.

Does it still feel like this? If yes, can you describe from direct experience what "feels like ego" refers to?

[kristawalter]

I really don't know what it is to "look inside," truthfully. I can't actually look inside, so the visual metaphor isn't going anywhere for me. I am aware of the sense of self, the inner voice, that talks to itself. I hear that inside, somehow. Right now, when I contemplate there is no me, no Krista, I feel nothing out of the ordinary. Although I do sometimes feel lightheaded or slightly dizzy.

[apolsk]

It is not different than our very first exercise. That's why I asked you to do it. You get a taste of looking at a thought, then looking at not a thought, and from that point on to stick only with what is not a thought, i.e. direct experience.

You imagine a hand, then look at the real hand and call that a direct experience. You then imagine a Santa Claus, then look for real Santa Claus and realize that he does not exist in direct experience.

Similarly you look for the "I" in direct experience. Did I say "look inside"? Look everywhere. Literally, use your 5 senses to detect an "I". No "I". That is looking, all there is to it. You look, you see nothing, and that is the point. To turn belief "there is no I" into an actual first-hand experience that there is indeed no you. If you honestly look and see this beyound a doubt, then how can there be any problem? Whose problem is it? Can there be any problem without an owner?

[apolsk]

I am aware of the sense of self, the inner voice, that talks to itself. I hear that inside, somehow.

Which "I" are you referring to? Describe it in terms of five senses, please.

The "sense of self" - is it the self itself, or just a feeling that you label as "the sense of self"? Describe that "sense" in terms of five senses please.

Can the inner voice talk to itself? Can the voice hear?

Who is "I" that you say hears it?

[kristawalter]

When I wrote sense of self I meant the imagined feeling of self, yes. This is thought. It is thought only, even if it seems like there is talking and listening. It isn't sensed, yet it goes on. There is no "me."

[apolsk]

Ok, great! So is there anything that still feels unclear, or a problem? Any issue that you's want to work on?

If not, we ask few traditional questions here and other guides then take a look and suggest additional questions to ask if necessary. Would you like to see them now?

[kristawalter]

Thank you so very much. It is challenging to stay with the senses, to not get caught in the dreaming. Yes, the traditional questions now.

[apolsk]

It is challenging to stay with the senses, to not get caught in the dreaming.

How is it important? Is there a dreamer, or just a state of dreaming?

[kristawalter]

Just dreaming.

[apolsk]

So who wants the dreaming to stop?

[kristawalter]

Dreaming is happening, seemingly without stopping. Its only a thought that says don't get caught in thought. But what are we doing here?