Hi Dora,
Thank you for having the courage to look into thoughts and acknowledge the actual felt sensations of direct experience. If you are still up for it, let’s continue to be courageous and look into this further.
It felt in my body like resistance at first, then more resistance….acceptance for a moment but not really…
What I invite you to do now, is to go back to that quite, safe place where you can be alone and focus on ‘resistance’ being felt in the body. Welcome the ‘resistance’, noticing that it is a faithful friend that has come to protect you. Allow it to stay as long as it likes. If you notice that you are resisting ‘resistance’, then simply notice that, without any need for it to go away. Notice that on some level it is already accepted, in that it is already here, correct? Just notice, with intense curiosity, what that faithful friend ‘resistance’ is protecting. After spending time doing this, then please answer the following questions:
1. What is resistance itself?
2. What is it protecting?
3. What needs to be protected?
4. What is it that feels threatened?
5. What is resistance trying to tell you?
6. What is behind the resistance? What is behind that?
7. If there is no separate entity ‘Dora’, ‘I’, ‘me’ then there really isn’t anything that needs to be protected, right?
and finally crying like a baby.
Perhaps there is the courage to list out all of the thoughts that were behind the tears? Get a pad of paper and a pen and please list, in detail, the thoughts arising as crying occurred. Mark each thought as (T). Then under each thought, list out the felt sensations that are being experienced and mark these (DE) for direct experience. For example, one of the thoughts on your list might possibly be “I feel guilty for leaving my mom because she needs me”. If this is one of the thoughts that are behind the tears, then it would be included on your list like this:
(T) I feel guilty for leaving my mom because she needs me.
(DE) queasiness in the stomach, pressure behind the eyes, tenseness in jaw muscles (or whatever sensations are actually being experienced).
When you are done with your list, please send it to me.
or feelings of shame and unsureness, as if I was a child and this feeling comes up "any time I feel "under attack" ( a thousand times).
It is common to assume we are ‘feeling’ when it is actually just a thought. Take a close look, when you say, ‘feelings of shame and unsureness’ do you really mean ‘thoughts of shame and unsureness’?
1. If it is FEELINGS of shame and unsureness, please tell me how ‘shame’ and ‘unsureness’ are experienced.
2. What sensations are felt?
3. What is it that determines those sensations translate into ‘shame’ and ‘unsureness’?
4. What is it that is there to receive ‘Shame’ and ‘unsureness’?
this feeling comes up "any time I feel "under attack" ( a thousand times).
Same as above. Is there actually a ‘feeling’ or is it really just a ‘thought’? Is it more true in direct experience to say: “anytime I feel under attack’? Or does it feel truer to say “anytime I THINK under attack”?
1. Again, If it is FEELINGS of being under attack, please tell me how ‘being under attack’ is experienced.
2. What sensations are felt?
3. What is it that determines those sensations translate into ‘being under attack’?
4. What is it that is there to be ‘under attack’?
P.S. mostly when I Look I see either nothing
It is nothing that can be attacked a thousand times….it is like if a Look while is happening whatever is “happening “lose all importance…
Beautiful. How does it feel to experience ‘nothing’?
and then when I get involved again I get troubled again…till I Look again! But, while I am Looking, at that moment…nothing has ANY importance.
Hehe. Yes, when the contents of thoughts are being believed to be true, it causes all sorts of suffering, doesn’t it? So why not LOOK every time it is noticed that the contents of thoughts are being believed? ;-)
I have given you a lot to look into in this post. Feel free to take as much time as you need. If you prefer, you can also do one exercise at a time and post your response as you complete the exercise. I will wait to reply until all responses have been posted.
With Love,
Linda
