Bodymind in the works

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

Thank you so much for your very interesting message today. The I/self is a very powerful thought, it transpires on all the other thoughts.

...and even it can't do anything, it sure seems to do a lot all the time... at least that is how we think about all the stuff that is happening. It is happening to us and we are the ones that made the decisions that provoked these happenings...
Sounds familiar?

Yes, us, me, them. If we don't believe in "me", there should not be a belief on the existence of other people's selves, either. It is difficult to quit seeing the world this way.

Thought seems to be so much more powerful than sound... why? Simply because there are thoughts of identification happening. If there would be no I/self taking ownership of these thoughts, then they wouldn't be any more special than a sound, would they? The only thing that makes them seemingly special is another thought stating that these thoughts, memories and decisions belong to a me. The solution to this impasse is not to annihilate every single thought of ownership and identification but the root of the problem - the belief in a separate self.

Yes, I try to see these thoughts as a system, identify which ones seem to support this belief. I'm also aware that thoughts ought to be accepted and seen for what they are, the same as emotions.

Yes, just seeing that it is only a belief and not a real entity is all that is required. When you saw through the belief of Santa being the real thing, finding out that he is just a fat guy in a red jump-suit, did this annihilate all Santas? Or do you still see them in all these shopping malls? So, you still see these guys in red, but you know without doubt that he is not a holy, mystical figure, but just a commercial fake so your children drag you to the mall to buy more presents :-)

Haha, yes, I see.

Have you seen through this belief? If not, what keeps you from it? Where are your doubts? What questions remain?

I've not seen through the belief. I agree that the self is fictional, that thoughts support it, that there's a tendency to identify with a "me", etc. I see all this, but I don't live it yet. I don't know what keeps me from seeing it. Is it fear, habit, lack of imagination? I suposse I hold the belief in a separate self to heart, although I do not wish to. I understand it on an intellectual level, and I think I'm doing my best to see through the cracks, but the proof is in the pudding, and I'm afraid I'm still driven by emotions, anxieties, doubts, the future, wishes, etc. I'm sure it will happen, but I don't know when.

I'm sure there are still questions, but I don't even know which ones now. I even wonder if I'm being honest about this issue. Maybe I can't be at peace with not knowing what else to be or do besides the I/self belief. Perhaps I trust that human lives are precious and their efforts valuable, and I can't fully accept that there are no real selves behind all those collective wishes and suffering. I'm sure you can work out more questions to evolve in this seeing, Alex. Will you??

Thank you again.

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

I've not seen through the belief. I agree that the self is fictional, that thoughts support it, that there's a tendency to identify with a "me", etc. I see all this, but I don't live it yet.

Ok, thats a good start...
How would you live this understanding? What are your expectations of how life will change when you live it fully based on this understanding?

Who is the one living this life? Are these thoughts owning this life? Is the body owning it?
When did "you" start to live? When this body was born? When the baby was conceived? What was there before? The cells that combined to "start a new life"... have they not also been alive? How far should we trace life back until we see that there really is no beginning... Is life more than a conceptual idea based on the formation and disintegration ("death") of the physical organism?

When something dies, is it forever lost? Or is it simply reforming? Is there simply change happening..?
Thought says "I am afraid to die!"... but what dies is only this thought based identification, isn't it? The "you" dies every time you go to sleep... was anything lost?

So, what is living this life? Is there anything separate from "life" - can any life-form ever be a separate entity at all, living in isolation from the rest of creation, or is this just a fancy idea?
When you live your life, do you think "you" can live it in the wrong way? Who would be the one that does something that is "wrong"? Maybe life, exactly as it flows right now, is perfect as is - maybe you just have to turn away from the shadows on the back of the cave and face the light...

Sit down and simply look, hear, smell, feel... The hints are everywhere... Is there a separate "you" looking, hearing, feeling? Where is the separation in pure sensual perception? Can you find it? Or can you only think about it?
Maybe direct experience already reveals what is real/true - you only have to drop the idea that thought is the right tool to reflect experience in an accurate way. It reflects it in the same way as you have been taught over the years. You have been told that you are a separate being making its own decisions - that you are in here and the world is out there... Is any of that reflected in this experience? If not, why buy into it? Is thought always right?

Alex

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

Thank you so much for your thorough battery of questions :) I'll answer your questions in all honesty.

How would you live this understanding? What are your expectations of how life will change when you live it fully based on this understanding?

I just imagine that I'll be more aware of the freshness of all experiences, and I won't judge them from memory so much. There will be less fear and aversion about things not happening a certain way dictated by the mind, and the flow of time will be seamless, not presided by an overbearing past or future. There won't be so many barriers between the bodymind and everything else, as a feeling of unity amongst all things and beings will be sensed.

Who is the one living this life? Are these thoughts owning this life? Is the body owning it?

Experience is living this life. Thoughts make up claims of ownership of it. The body doesn't own this life; life is expressing itself through this body at this time.

When did "you" start to live? When this body was born? When the baby was conceived? What was there before? The cells that combined to "start a new life"... have they not also been alive? How far should we trace life back until we see that there really is no beginning... Is life more than a conceptual idea based on the formation and disintegration ("death") of the physical organism?

Life as experiencing is real. A life, the idea of an individual one bestowed on a physical body is a concept. Life as the accumulation of experiences past is also a concept.

When something dies, is it forever lost? Or is it simply reforming? Is there simply change happening..?
Thought says "I am afraid to die!"... but what dies is only this thought based identification, isn't it? The "you" dies every time you go to sleep... was anything lost?

I don't understand the concept of reforming ... Yes, change happens. I'm afraid to die, which means that there are thoughts that identify as "me" happening here right now. I have to say that I also have a childish aversion to falling asleep and losing this identification. Waking up everyday and noticing that there's still a "me" is a miracle. I guess I shouldn't feel afraid.

So, what is living this life? Is there anything separate from "life" - can any life-form ever be a separate entity at all, living in isolation from the rest of creation, or is this just a fancy idea?
When you live your life, do you think "you" can live it in the wrong way? Who would be the one that does something that is "wrong"? Maybe life, exactly as it flows right now, is perfect as is - maybe you just have to turn away from the shadows on the back of the cave and face the light...

Life makes more sense as being one with all, and not a separate one for each. I feel the energy of life manifesting, not being curtailed by the limitations imposed by thought. I can sense the wholeness of whatever happens, and the resistance lessening. Acceptance is the key to being connected to the wholeness. There's still a strong sense of what an ethical life should be, wishes, desires, and there is still recoiling from suffering, etc. I know that there is light, and that I'm facing the shadows.

Sit down and simply look, hear, smell, feel... The hints are everywhere... Is there a separate "you" looking, hearing, feeling? Where is the separation in pure sensual perception? Can you find it? Or can you only think about it?

It's all really thinking about it. Perception testifies on the wholeness.

Maybe direct experience already reveals what is real/true - you only have to drop the idea that thought is the right tool to reflect experience in an accurate way. It reflects it in the same way as you have been taught over the years. You have been told that you are a separate being making its own decisions - that you are in here and the world is out there... Is any of that reflected in this experience? If not, why buy into it? Is thought always right?

Very true. I rely on thought for everything. I'll keep on trying to pay attention to life behind the shadows of thought. It's not easy for me. If I don't manage to come to conclusions about things, I feel stupid. Thought seems to help me clarify the nuances of perception, but I know I'm missing out because thought is not immediate, it's prompted, and experience is real behind thought. It's faulty software, I know, but it's still running the machine :)

Thank you, Alex! I'll keep being watchful and present.

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

I just imagine that I'll be more aware of the freshness of all experiences, and I won't judge them from memory so much. There will be less fear and aversion about things not happening a certain way dictated by the mind, and the flow of time will be seamless, not presided by an overbearing past or future. There won't be so many barriers between the bodymind and everything else, as a feeling of unity amongst all things and beings will be sensed.

Sounds nice...
What would happen if you drop all these ideas of how things should be? Would you still think you have to achieve this special state? Wouldn't this moment stand out as it is - without being judged, without being considered imperfect..?
The ideas you express above are all based on the belief that there is a "you" that can have this "better" experience... But.. Is there one? Can you find it?

If there is no separate experiencer, just the experience, why would it be not already perfect? What could make it better or worse? Its only ever a thought that talks about an experience, right?
Thought states that it is good or bad, but does this in any way affect the experience itself? Or is this only a story that other thoughts pick up to form a specific belief-system?

The body doesn't own this life; life is expressing itself

Yes, ok.
Can "you" - this ego-thought - change life so it fits the criteria that thought itself defines as the perfect conditions of bliss and harmony (as above)?

Thought seems to help me clarify the nuances of perception, but I know I'm missing out because thought is not immediate, it's prompted, and experience is real behind thought.

Well... experience can never be un-real, can it?
When you hear a sound, it doesn't matter if you think in positive or negative terms about it - the sound itself won't change... the only thing that changes are the thoughts that follow... your attitude towards it...
Its the same with all other experiencing, its always clear and fresh, it has never been veiled, it just seems so from the point of view of the I-thought... (not that a thought could have a point of view :-) its more that there seems to be a point of view, which is identical to the beliefs that are expressed as thought)

Alex

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

Thank you again for your lovely response. I'm very happy to be able to dig deep on the issue of thought and expectations on reality.

What would happen if you drop all these ideas of how things should be? Would you still think you have to achieve this special state? Wouldn't this moment stand out as it is - without being judged, without being considered imperfect..?

Yes, there is a possibility of this happening at every moment. In fact, I'm working on that, on sensing each moment as it is, including the thoughts and emotions that gravitate around it as just parts of the scenery, not the defining strokes. I know that this is the way to go, just be with the reality of the moment as it is, accompanying it. It's essential to drop all expectations and judgements as you clearly point out.

The ideas you express above are all based on the belief that there is a "you" that can have this "better" experience... But.. Is there one? Can you find it?

Are they? I guess I'm still sticking at this I/self. It's about the experience not about any beliefs. I keep on enquiring about this I/self, and I see the idea, the gravitational pull, the tendency to express thoughts of self through it, but not the object.

If there is no separate experiencer, just the experience, why would it be not already perfect? What could make it better or worse? Its only ever a thought that talks about an experience, right?

Yes. The thing is that it's not only thoughts that colour an experience, it's also emotions felt about it, even prior to thought coming up to express what's behind emotions. I know that these emotions, specially the conditioned ones such as fear and aversion, those which are automatic because they were recorded after similar past events, are also part of the experience. So I'm trying to feel it all afresh, raw and wholesome. I read that this has been called "walking on the razor's edge".

Thought states that it is good or bad, but does this in any way affect the experience itself? Or is this only a story that other thoughts pick up to form a specific belief-system?

This belief system is very powerful. The brain needs proper hacking ;-)

Can "you" - this ego-thought - change life so it fits the criteria that thought itself defines as the perfect conditions of bliss and harmony?

So far it has not been possible, that's why I don't believe in this anymore.

Well... experience can never be un-real, can it?
When you hear a sound, it doesn't matter if you think in positive or negative terms about it - the sound itself won't change... the only thing that changes are the thoughts that follow... your attitude towards it...
Its the same with all other experiencing, its always clear and fresh, it has never been veiled, it just seems so from the point of view of the I-thought... (not that a thought could have a point of view :-) its more that there seems to be a point of view, which is identical to the beliefs that are expressed as thought)

Yes, Alex. It seems that there has to be a change on the point of view, the angle, which is radical. Dropping the belief on the I/self and everything that comes along with it entails looking at experience without the feeling of ownership, without creating an experiencer who is the centre of attention.

Thank you, Alex. I'll keep at it :)

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

I'm working on that, on sensing each moment as it is

OK great. So what do you find? What does this (or any other moment) reveal?

You mentioned a feeling of "ownership" that arises alongside the experience... Can you describe this sensation? Where is it located? What makes it a feeling of ownership? Does the sensation tell you that this is how ownership feels like?

It's essential to drop all expectations and judgements

Yes... but don't get frustrated if thoughts about expectations and judgements arise. Thats also perfectly fine.
Dropping "expectations and judgements" does not mean that no thought about this may come up anymore - it rather means that there is no attachment to these thoughts. See them and let them pass through. Don't get upset if they show up - they are just like any other part of experience.

Alex

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

Thank you again and always for accompanying me on this journey and generously keeping up with the workload!

ssplash wrote:

I'm working on that, on sensing each moment as it is

OK great. So what do you find? What does this (or any other moment) reveal?

What I mostly feel is a deep space (somewhat untapped) for understanding, the huge challenge of standing face to face with the world and its vastness and solidity, a world and reality that is totally unaware of my whims and thrills. I feel that I can take refuge in another dimension of being which I can't entirely grasp, an space that is inviting, there for the taking if I want it. In this moment time is not needed, as the quality of reality is not dependant on my positioning in time, my anticipation of what's next to come, because I can only experience real feelings about this instant, on close contact, and relating to this moment in time is not adding to the experiencing.

You mentioned a feeling of "ownership" that arises alongside the experience... Can you describe this sensation? Where is it located? What makes it a feeling of ownership? Does the sensation tell you that this is how ownership feels like?

This sensation if harboured by thought and the belief in an I/self that can comment on an experience, relate to it personally, keep it in memory, add information to the initial flow of information. It isn't located anywhere in particular, but it's being held by thought. This feeling of ownership becomes operational because it can be added to other pieces in the narrative of self, and what that self is doing and has been through. The experience does not refer to ownership, but the thoughts that spring up and accompany it do.

Don't get frustrated if thoughts about expectations and judgements arise. Thats also perfectly fine.
Dropping "expectations and judgements" does not mean that no thought about this may come up anymore - it rather means that there is no attachment to these thoughts. See them and let them pass through. Don't get upset if they show up - they are just like any other part of experience.

Yes, actually, I was thinking of that yesterday as I saw them arising. Attachment is the key word here, the conditioning of the bodymind organism is always going to flush out opinions and desires. So it is in attachment that we can ask "who is attached", and I find myself doing this more and more often.

I should be able to reply tomorrow, if you do get a chance to write, Alex, but not on Sunday. If I don't hear from you until Monday, have a lovely weekend, Alex, and thank you once again. We are doing great work, and everything is more clear now :)

Paloma

[Alexw]

Thanks Paloma!
Yes, let's have a little break over the weekend. I will answer on Monday.
Have a great weekend!
Alex


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

How was your weekend? Hope you enjoyed the little break from my nagging questions :-)

the huge challenge of standing face to face with the world and its vastness and solidity, a world and reality that is totally unaware of my whims and thrills

It might seem that some-one is facing a world that is separate from this some-one... but is this really the case?
Does seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling define a separate "one" that is facing a world out there?

When seeing happens, what is it that is doing the seeing? Is thought able to see?
Look... there are pictures - colours in certain shapes - showing up, but is there any more to it? Is there a separate entity seeing these colours? Are these colours in any way distant from "you"?

When you are dreaming, you see many things - pretty similar to when you are awake, right? Is there any real distance in a dream? Is the dream character a separate entity that is seeing a dream world? Are there any separate entities at all or is there simply the dream... is there a difference between the dream and the experience at all..? or is the dream and the experience identical, just different words for the same thing..?
What do you find?

The experience does not refer to ownership, but the thoughts that spring up and accompany it do.

Yes, well seen!
If this experience does not belong to anyone, maybe the feeling of ownership is also just an experience, belonging to.. no-one?

This does not mean that there is nothing there at all... but maybe the one that you identify with is just a construct of thought...?

Alex

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

I had a lovely weekend, thank you, and I missed our exchange :) I kept on pondering on all the questions that you throw at me.

It might seem that some-one is facing a world that is separate from this some-one... but is this really the case?
Does seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling define a separate "one" that is facing a world out there?

Yes, that is true. There's no other world than this, and it includes the idea of a some-one, however fictional. The senses bring immediacy to reality, and experiencing the world equals being the world.

When seeing happens, what is it that is doing the seeing? Is thought able to see?
Look... there are pictures - colours in certain shapes - showing up, but is there any more to it? Is there a separate entity seeing these colours? Are these colours in any way distant from "you"?

No, thought doesn't see, the seeing is the experience, and it simply happens. No one is doing the seeing. There aren't distances either between reality and what's being communicated by the senses. There's an immediacy and a closeness inherent to experiencing that preclude separateness.

When you are dreaming, you see many things - pretty similar to when you are awake, right? Is there any real distance in a dream? Is the dream character a separate entity that is seeing a dream world? Are there any separate entities at all or is there simply the dream... is there a difference between the dream and the experience at all..? or is the dream and the experience identical, just different words for the same thing..?
What do you find?

What happens in my dreams is that there is a character usually called "me" who is doing things. I have very vivid dreams, and many of them are nightmares where my fears and anxieties flesh out. I can see what you are saying about the dream being impersonal at times too. Reality in this sense has started feeling more like a dream of that kind.

If this experience does not belong to anyone, maybe the feeling of ownership is also just an experience, belonging to.. no-one?

This does not mean that there is nothing there at all... but maybe the one that you identify with is just a construct of thought...?

Thought constructs the "experience" of self and ownership, yes. Pain, suffering, pleasure and yearning maintain it, but I've started to try to just feel suffering and pain as emotions, letting them run their course, paying attention to the self they refer to that's having a rough time and seeing it for what it is: a thought with a very strong pull, but a thought nonetheless. It's transformational, but it's only the beginning. I go in and out of attachment to the self, there are many thoughts about this person that's going through the motions.

Thank you, Alex. I'm looking forward to your reply :)

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

No, thought doesn't see, the seeing is the experience, and it simply happens. No one is doing the seeing.

Yes, great observation!

I've started to try to just feel suffering and pain as emotions, letting them run their course, paying attention to the self they refer to that's having a rough time and seeing it for what it is: a thought with a very strong pull, but a thought nonetheless.

Yes, perfect!

It's transformational, but it's only the beginning. I go in and out of attachment to the self, there are many thoughts about this person that's going through the motions

Yes, it is only the beginning. Its a constant process of looking and dissolving, but the great thing is that it becomes easier and easier as it turns from a seeming effort into natural functioning.

What now? Which questions remain? Are there any doubts about what has been seen?

How would you answer these three questions:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

[ssplash]

Hi, Alex

Thank you so much for your message and for being there for me.

What now? Which questions remain? Are there any doubts about what has been seen?

Dear Alex, I don't feel as if I've seen ... I feel the same as always, I just think I understand there's no ego on an intellectual level because it makes sense to me, but I feel just as trapped as before. I believe that my I/self is a construction of thought, but it still runs my life and my interactions with people.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

I don't think that the I/self is real.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The separate self takes ownership of actions, desires, wants, feelings, and it makes the person feel that his/her life happens in its own separate world of experiences.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

I understand it, but I wouldn't say that my perception has changed, Alex. I am now certain that we have the ability to perceive the world differently, without paying attention to "our" pain, our suffering, our decisions, but I don't feel I have managed to do that yet. I told you I go in and out of attachment to the self, but it is only in very brief moments that I'm able to say: "I feel this, but it is not "me", I'm not this someone". Please, tell me how you feel about this, as I believe you think I've crossed the gateless gate, but unfortunately it's not the case. Thank you, Alex!

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

Dear Alex, I don't feel as if I've seen ... I feel the same as always, I just think I understand there's no ego on an intellectual level because it makes sense to me, but I feel just as trapped as before. I believe that my I/self is a construction of thought, but it still runs my life and my interactions with people.

It seems the biggest obstacle for nearly all seekers are their expectations as well as their doubts.
At first people expect that passing the gate would be a great experience, something that the I/self will experience - it should be something that will make the I/self feel better, happier and blissful... this is especially so, because the search has been initially started with a certain goal in mind - the goal to become something that you are not yet... enlightened, or whatever we might call it.

Now you slowly realise that this separate I/self is just a construct of thought... it feels threatening, doesn't it? So it might be better to hang on to expectations and doubts... What would happen if you would really drop them..? Would you still have to look for something? No! You would be already there, wouldn't you?

So... How would you feel once you have seen? Once you pass the gate? What exactly would it be that passes it?

Now daily life continues and you don't feel different... your body is still the same... thoughts still show up and even self centred thoughts still show up. Doubt arises... this can't be it! Can it?
What can you do? Well, all you can do is relax and observe. Look. See how things are happening throughout your day. Be alert, be consciously aware of how thoughts work - how the illusory I/self works. The more you see it in real life the more you will see its falseness. Thinking about it won't cut it, you have to look, observe and see! The more you do this the more you will embody this realisation.
When a doubt arises really look at it honestly and see if it has any truth to it. There is work to be done, yes... Often putting things to paper helps, note what is being observed... Let me know what you find...

I am now certain that we have the ability to perceive the world differently, without paying attention to "our" pain, our suffering, our decisions, but I don't feel I have managed to do that yet

Pay attention! Don't ignore your pain and suffering. Drag it into the light and find the sufferer! You will have to face it to dissolve it. At the end its not the suffering that dissolves, but the one that seems to be suffering is found to be non existent...

The separate self takes ownership of actions, desires, wants, feelings, and it makes the person feel that his/her life happens in its own separate world of experiences.

What exactly is the "separate self"? What is it "made of"? Can it really do anything, like take ownership?
When it seems that this process is happening, look at it, observe it. What is really happening?

Alex

[ssplash]

Dear Alex

I'm the classic textbook example of the seeker, aren't I? :) Thank you so much for challenging my assumptions and helping me dig even deeper. It's very refreshing.

Yes, I do have expectations about what it would feel like to drop the I/self thought for good. I do envisage more freedom and less identification. I'm not so sure about my expectations on a particular awakening experience, as I also imagine it to be a gradual process of loosening the reliance on the ego thought. The thing is that "I" still feel trapped by the belief that there is a self.

It seems the biggest obstacle for nearly all seekers are their expectations as well as their doubts.
At first people expect that passing the gate would be a great experience, something that the I/self will experience - it should be something that will make the I/self feel better, happier and blissful... this is especially so, because the search has been initially started with a certain goal in mind - the goal to become something that you are not yet... enlightened, or whatever we might call it.

The seeking empowers the I/self thought even more! It's a catch-22. No wonder ...

Now you slowly realise that this separate I/self is just a construct of thought... it feels threatening, doesn't it? So it might be better to hang on to expectations and doubts... What would happen if you would really drop them..? Would you still have to look for something? No! You would be already there, wouldn't you?

You are so right. I better believe that I already have the tool, sort of speak, just that I should learn how to use it. The most encouraging thought of all is knowing that we are not this I/self construct, but what holds it, that it arises in us. That is the only understanding.

So... How would you feel once you have seen? Once you pass the gate? What exactly would it be that passes it?

I just think that I wouldn't experience so much suffering and anxiety, but then again that might be wrong and things would stay the same, just that a more permanent understanding that I am not the I/self thought would bring about improvement, some relief, and a way to deal with those feelings better.

Other stories of awakening lead me to believe that it's also possible to come to a sudden realisation that would make me feel lighter, instantly unburdened. If that doesn't happen, it's also ok. I just want to learn more and more each day, become more aware, more able to handle the I/self thought in action without believing that it's me.

The passing of the gateless gate would mean knowledge, really being able to see the treasure held by my humanness, experiencing life as it happens with all my senses without being plagued by opinions and judgements on what it should be. And if I'm plagues by these opinions, see them as what they are and go deeper.

Now daily life continues and you don't feel different... your body is still the same... thoughts still show up and even self centred thoughts still show up. Doubt arises... this can't be it! Can it?

Well, I think that my seeking attitude is actually doing the opposite of what I'm after, because of the reinforcing of the I/self.

What can you do? Well, all you can do is relax and observe. Look. See how things are happening throughout your day. Be alert, be consciously aware of how thoughts work - how the illusory I/self works. The more you see it in real life the more you will see its falseness. Thinking about it won't cut it, you have to look, observe and see! The more you do this the more you will embody this realisation.

Wonderful advice as always, Alex. Thanks for emphasising the importance of awareness in this process.

When a doubt arises really look at it honestly and see if it has any truth to it. There is work to be done, yes... Often putting things to paper helps, note what is being observed... Let me know what you find...

What do you mean by a doubt arising, Alex?

What exactly is the "separate self"? What is it "made of"? Can it really do anything, like take ownership?
When it seems that this process is happening, look at it, observe it. What is really happening?

Yes, it's true, I'll try to observe it as a process rather than as an entity. This is very helpful. I'll keep on asking this question, as it clarifies things for me. The separate self idea stops me from focusing just on the experience, as this is what I want to do (including seeing the I/self thought in action as an experience of the mind).

Thank you, Alex, for letting me see more clearly that expectations are stopping me from experiencing fully.

Paloma

[Alexw]

Hi Paloma,

The thing is that "I" still feel trapped by the belief that there is a self

How does this being trapped manifest itself? Is it apparent in direct experience or only in thought about it?
Can a thought be trapped by anything? Or is this just another thought that states "Oh no, I am still held prisoner by this belief!"?

When these thoughts happen, try to be aware that they do and simply see that there is nothing solid behind them. See that it is only a belief. Do this again and again... until... you don't have to do it anymore :-)

I just think that I wouldn't experience so much suffering and anxiety

Well... experience will always be good/bad/happy/unhappy/blissful/suffering... it always comes in pairs. If something bad happens there will be what we call suffering, but once it is seen that there really is no one there that suffers, no sufferer, then also suffering is something that simply comes and goes. Nothing special about it and no self to hold on to it.
When you experience "suffering and anxiety" try to find the one that suffers. Can you? What do you find?

Other stories of awakening lead me to believe that it's also possible to come to a sudden realisation that would make me feel lighter, instantly unburdened. If that doesn't happen, it's also ok.

Sure, there are many experiences that make you feel this way. It might happen through excessive meditation, drugs, a sudden "mystical" experience (temporary loss of the identification with a central observer)... what do they all have together? The are temporary and thus they are not worth chasing.
Its actually better if these experiences don't happen as then you are not inclined to repeat them just to get another blissful experience. Experiencing is not meant to be always blissful - its meant to be as it is.

The passing of the gateless gate would mean knowledge

For who?

experiencing life as it happens with all my senses without being plagued by opinions and judgements on what it should be

There is no other way but to look at each opinion and judgement and see the falsity in each. Pick one, look at it, see what its based on - a false point of view. Let it go. Pick the next one...

I think that my seeking attitude is actually doing the opposite of what I'm after, because of the reinforcing of the I/self.

Don't seek what is not here - look at what is here right now. There is nothing to find that is not available right now.

What do you mean by a doubt arising, Alex?

When it is perfectly clear that there is no separate I/self at all, it will still happen that thoughts of doubt arise stating that all that has been seen is nonsense and that I am back - here I am - I haven't seen anything - I have been kidding myself... These doubts arise but you will have to look at them and see that they are just harmless thoughts that have no power.

I won't be able to write tomorrow. So have a great Christmas and enjoy the time with your family!

Alex